by Tici Pontes
Putting into words just what that meant to me was complicated. Trying to express how I felt, knowing that Alice had been responsible for all that, was difficult. All I knew was that my admiration for Alice had tripled. Even though she was young she was a determined person who knew what she wanted.
When she told me she could get me a bone marrow I never imagined that she would organize an event of this size. That she would mobilize so many people to help my cause.
“Are you okay, Leo?” she asked, touching my arm.
“I... I don't deserve all this, shorty.” My voice was low and I was overwhelmed with emotion.
“It's all for you, Leo. All because of you.” Alice's eyes were also bathed in tears and I pulled her into a hug. She wrapped my body in her arms and sank her face into my chest.
We stood there not wanting to get away from that comforting touch. I felt safe in her arms and I was sure that Alice felt the same. Meanwhile people started to recognize me and when we least noticed a round of applause began. Soon everyone was applauding. The sound of the band stopped playing and the singer announced my presence in the place.
“I still can't believe you did that.” My face was starting to warm up. Everyone was looking at me and I was already starting to get shy. “You don't exist, Alice.”
“I think everyone must know your story, Leo,” she said and pulled me into the middle of the square, where the band was waiting for me.
God, I wish they wouldn't ask me to speak.
“Attention everyone, our dear Leonardo is here and we would like to invite him to say a word to everyone.” The singer of the band was pointing directly at me and I started looking at the ground, looking for some place to hide.
She didn't do that.
“Come on, baby!” Alice started to pull me towards the stage. “They want to hear you.”
“But, Alice. I-I... I don't know what to say...” I tried to resist, but everyone was looking at me with smiles full of expectation.
“Cut the crap.”
We'd already gotten to the staircase that led to the stage and my hand was already wet with sweat. When I finally stood in front of the microphone the silence dominated the whole place. Everyone was looking in my direction, waiting for me to speak.
Alice held my hand and gave my arm a little nudge so I could say something.
“G- good afternoon everyone,” I spoke in a weak voice. “It was a surprise to me the whole thing here. I had no idea that this campaign was gonna happen.” I looked at Alice who gave me a soft wink. “I-I... I wanted to thank everyone for being here. You have no idea how important this is to me or anyone else waiting in line for a bone marrow transplant. My sincerest, most grateful thanks.”
A round of applause followed at the end of my speech and when I got off the stage several people came towards me to shake my hand and wish me good luck.
The band resumed the show and me and Alice started to walk through the place of the campaign.
“Leo... I think you better use this.” She stretched a face mask out towards me and I took it with relief. Even though I was in good health there were a lot of people together and I was already starting to worry about my immunity.
“I... I thought that maybe with this event we can increase the number of people registered in the RENOME and who knows... who knows find your donor,” she spoke while throwing in my hand some alcohol gel.
As much as I believed that my donor could really come from Mar de Areia I knew it was something extremely difficult. However, it didn't diminish at all the emotion I felt for the whole commotion.
She had done it for me and it was much more than a search for a marrow donation. It was proof that she really cared about me and wanted to be by my side.
Regardless of whether or not that event was responsible for finding a donor compatible with me, I would be eternally grateful to Alice for the gesture of love.
And anyway, if it didn't help me, maybe it could save the lives of thousands of people who were eagerly waiting for a compatible donor.
“Leo?” I felt Alice's touch on my shoulder as I tried to pull myself together from the emotion that had taken over me.
“No one ever...” My voice faltered. “No one ever did for me what you... Look at that.” I pointed to the huge event she had organized.
“I may not even get what I want, Leo, which is to get your donor and save you from this sickness,” she looked at me with a straight face “but I'll fight as hard as I can to help you, even if it's just a little bit.”
“I'm very proud of you, shorty.” I wrapped Alice's body in a hug, feeling the warmth of her skin and the scent of her hair. I pulled the mask that was on my face down from my chin and gave her a chaste and slow kiss on the lips. “And what you did was far beyond merely trying to help me, I'm sure you're saving the lives of many people.”
She held me tight, sank her face into my chest and I heard when she started to cry.
“We're going to save you, Leo," she said amidst the sobs.
“You already saved, Alice.” I held her tight against me. “You already saved.”
Our little moment was interrupted when a reporter approached, asking if she could record an interview with me.
I wasn't expecting that one. It had been difficult for me to talk on stage and now a camera?
Alice wiped her residual tears and forced a smile on the reporter. Unconsciously I looked at my clothes to see if they were presentable and ran my hand through my hair to make them the least messy possible. I handed the mask to Alice and turned to the reporter.
“Er... I think it's OK,” I answered a bit shy.
After the interview we walked around the stands a bit, I took some photos, as I had become a local minicelebrity. The mayor of Mar de Areia himself came to see me, greeted me and wished me luck in the treatment.
Even after seeing everything Alice had organized, I still had no idea of the dimension of her actions.
*
When I got home I was exhausted. After my shower, my parents and I sat in front of the television and we watched the coverage of my story and my need for a bone marrow transplant and, to my amazement, the video was not only on local television, but also in the state capital.I looked at my parents knowing that they had their finger on that story too. But I was grateful.
Already lying in my bed, I went over all that day and only one person was responsible for starting it all.
Alice.
It was then that I realized that the fear that I had nurtured inside me had come true.
The greatest fear I had ever felt since I met Alice came true.
I was not only in love, I was already completely sure that what I cultivated in my heart was the purest love.
And contrary to what I had feared, it did not make me even a little afraid. On the contrary, I knew that all my happiness had been transformed into one face and one name: Alice.
The event was an absolute success.
The whole city mobilized to give full support to Leonardo and his cause and not only the whole city was present in the event, I knew that people came even from other regions to join the Campaign for bone marrow donation.
We were informed later that the demand for registration has increased and we were even known throughout the state.
Things couldn't go better.
Leo and I were more united than ever, and the time we had free, we spent together.
I still kept my study routine and he always stayed by my side. Whether it was just to read one of his books or to help me with what I was struggling with.
But I was already getting impatient.
After two months of the event nothing had happened yet. I no longer had a head for any subjects, I was starting to slow down my online classes and I wasn't even able to read. It was hard to keep my mind focused when so many things were at stake.
His life was at stake.
I felt small.
With my hands tied.
Incapable.
What
else could I do to get what Leonardo needed so much?
Nothing, Alice, I thought bitterly.
“You must be patient, Lice.” Leo always told me when I complained about the lack of news. “I warned you it wasn't that easy to find a compatible bone marrow donor. Those things sometimes take years.”
“I know, but...” struggling not to be overwhelmed by frustration, I let one sigh escape. “Deep down I had hopes, you know? That maybe... the donor was so close to you and that... That maybe you'd find him living, maybe, on the same street.”
“Shorty, I think you're reading a lot of romance books. It doesn't work that way in real life.”
“Yeah, but it should work,” I said resignedly. “How long are you going to stay in these comings and goings between Mar de Areia and Fortaleza?”
“The last transfusion I did was that time we had a fight, Lice. I'm fine.”
“For now, Leo,” I snitched.
“Relax, shorty, there's no reason for you to be like this. You're more anxious than I am, the sick one.” Leo smile at me. “You need to calm down, you're creating a lot of expectation on this. Look...” He came up to me and took my hand.
The warmth of his touch radiated through my body and I took his hand to my lips and placed a kiss. He did the same and then leaned over and gave me a little xo go on:
“As soon as I discovered my disease, I first tried immunotherapy, had a good time, without any recurrence of anemia, but I had a relapse and that's how I got into this odyssey of going in search of a compatible marrow. I was also irritated when the months went by and I had no reply, but then I realized that the time I was spending worrying about this disease was a precious time that I could be enjoying with other things.”
“But I want to see you 100% well, Leo.” I tried to argue. His tranquility was making me nervous.
“And who says I'm not 100% fine?” He returned the question. “Alice, being okay doesn't mean you don't have any diseases. In those two years I've been sick, I've never felt as good about myself as I do now. I have you in my life... And look what we've achieved...” he paused and smiled at me. “What you've achieved.”
“But you're still without a new marrow,” I murmured. “And all I did was to try to find a donor for you, Leo. For YOU.” I underlined the last word.
I know it might seem petty of me to care only about my boyfriend, but who cares?
What I meant was... I had done it for him and cuz of him. If the side effect was to get a donor for someone who was sick, fine, I wouldn't complain, but the main goal was Leo, just Leo.
I wasn't that much of a Mother Teresa of Calcutta. Judge me.
“It was a wonderful campaign where you were able to mobilize hundreds, thousands of people for a cause. And not only my cause, Alice,” he seemed to guess my thoughts “but the cause of several people who suffer from various diseases and who need a little hope in their lives.”
Even though I knew Leonardo was right, it wasn't easy to accept everything in a passive way. So many articles had been read where the words high mortality were highlighted that I had a tremendous fear of not being able to find it on time. Leo didn't have all the time in the world and at any moment he could be taken away from me and I don't know if I could stand that loss.
“I-I'm scared, Leo,” I moaned softly.
“Of what, my love?” He surrounded my face with his hand, which made me lean my head towards his touch.
“Of not having time.” My eyes were already filled with tears. “I can't lose you.”
“Hey... hey...” Leo brought his face closer to mine and kissed my lips. “You're not gonna lose me... I may have a serious health problem, but I take care of myself and you know it.”
I knew it.
But it didn't diminish the fear that seemed to consume me every time I thought about that possibility.
As much as I showed strength and security alongside Alice I also had my concerns. Not about the donor, because I knew I would have to wait, regardless of the campaign or not.
The gesture she had made was grand. Although it was unlikely that my donor would be in Mar de Areia, this type of campaign would end up touching hearts where it went and the increase in the number of people registered meant an increase in chances, both for me and for those in need.
My concerns were about what was happening between me and Alice.
She was afraid of losing me and for God, I too had the same affliction. Not of losing her, but of leaving her. Alice's distress when she confessed her concern to me left me dismayed.
To imagine that she would be devastated if I... If I were gone. It left me thoughtful and made me do the same reflections as when our relationship began.
I knew I couldn't have started this relationship. I was irresponsible to put her in the middle of this hurricane that was my life.
But letting Alice in was inevitable. I was already surrounded by so many uncertainties that she appeared as a kind of safe haven, to put a little balance in my existence. When I was next to her I felt complete and I also felt that she shared this feeling with me.
How could something like that be wrong?
Again this flood of feelings clashed within my chest. Living this love or allowing Alice to be free to find someone more... healthier than me.
What a hypocrite, I thought when I remembered everything I'd said to my girlfriend about me not being just an illness. That I was much more than that.
Yet I was acting exactly the opposite of what I believed. I needed to start taking my own advice and enjoy the moment. And that was exactly what I was going to do.
I was going to live today and now with Alice.
It's not that I was about to die.
It wasn't that.
My health was fine. Within my limits, of course. I'd had tests that showed my anemia was under control, my immune system was within acceptable standards, and at least for now, the disease was not a threat.
At least for the time being.
But the future is an uncertainty that affects everyone. Who here knows the next day?
Exactly. Nobody.
And when we spend too much time planning what we're going to do tomorrow, we forget that what we have now is today. And most of the time, we stop doing both. If you're looking too hard, you don't find anything.
And I wouldn't waste a second at her side.
I needed to grab that thought and focus on that. I needed to put aside my fears, my anguishes and my uncertainties and propose to do what I've always wanted since I decided to have her by my side.
That was to make Alice happy.
I woke up with the phone ringing and Alice's name appearing on the phone screen. I looked at the wristwatch that had timed 5:12.
What happened to her?
“Alice? Did something happen?” I asked alarmed.
“Oh, Leo!” she started an uncontrolled crying on the other side of the line. “I'm sorry if I woke you... I just needed to hear your voice.”
“What happened, shorty?
“I had a terrible dream where... where you...” her voice was muffled by the hiccups that came back on.
“Hey... nothing happened. I'm here. Steady and strong,” I talked, trying to convince her I was okay.
“Promise you won't ever leave me?” she asked softly.
Oh, God! Don't ask me that, Alice.
As much as I knew that my health problem could be bypassed with treatments and that I could live for years and years without any problems, I knew that it was something serious and that from one hour to another I could...
I shook my head refusing to think about it. But then what did she ask me? It wasn't fair to make a promise that I could break, but hearing her in that state was eating me alive.
“I'll never leave you, Alice,” I whispered. “No matter what, I'll always be with you.”
I closed my eyes, ran my hand through my hair and cursed myself in silence.
It might seem a bit morbid, but I needed to prepare her for the worst. Not like
that was gonna happen. And honestly I don't think it would, because I was closely followed by the doctors and also took every possible precaution, so the chances of me dying from that disease, at least for the moment, were minimal.
But once I was diagnosed I was prepared for the worst. At first I was angry, denied, and refused to accept, but in time I got used to the idea of finitude.
And the reality is that we all have to get used to it, because death will one day come. Our passage on earth is short and unfortunately people don't take advantage of what they have today. They are always searching for what they could be, instead of living what they already are.
One day I want...
No.
The right word is "today I want"...
Today I want to tell my parents that I love them.
Today I want to look at that girl I've always been in love with and declare myself.
Today I want to be happy.
Tomorrow, no. Today I want to be happy.
And it's funny that most people only value life when it's threatened in some way.
Most people just exist. And I included myself in that large part, at least until I was diagnosed with a chronic and potentially fatal disease.
I began to see life differently, to value small gestures more and that's what I needed to show Alice. To make her see that when the time came to separate us, we would look back and realize that we had lived it all intensely. That we enjoyed every minute... every second...
Every look. Every touch. Every kiss.
“Come to my house today.” It wasn't a question.
“W- what time?” The crying was ceasing, but Alice was still stuttering a little.
“Now, in the morning,” I said in a quiet voice. I didn't want to make her apprehensive. “Now try to calm down, okay? Nothing happened to me, I'm fine, okay?”
“It's okay.” she warmed up.
Her voice was more serene, which reassured me.
“See you in a bit.”
“Okay, I'll see you in a little while.” I heard a sniff on the other side of the line.