by Tici Pontes
“I love you, shorty.”
She hung up without answering. I wasn't upset because I knew if she answered, a new wave of crying would start.
I put my feet out of bed feeling the icy ground. My body shook with the temperature shock. I sighed deeply thinking about Alice and what I would do to make her understand that we were one and nothing, not even death, could keep us apart.
I took a quick shower, my head filled with a thousand things, not knowing where to start.
What would I tell Alice?
How could I convince her not to worry about these things she was dreaming of? I smiled when I realized exactly how to make her understand that we were one.
It was scary.
Seeing Leonardo inside that coffin, eyes closed, a lifeless face, was the worst thing I could ever witness.
Why was I dreaming about him like that?
Was it some kind of sign?
It couldn't be. His anemia was under control and his immune system was normalized. From everything I'd already found out about aplastic anemia, I knew the disease could paralyse for periods, but at any moment it could manifest itself, but now he was fine...
“He's fine,” I whispered softly when he turned off his cell phone.
The relief I felt from hearing his voice on the other end of the line was so intense that I couldn't hold on and after the call ended I cried again. Especially after he said he loved me. My whole body was shaking and the fear was installed in my chest.
I loved him too and wouldn't bear to lose him.
Leonardo appeared in my life quickly and suddenly all the anger and frustration of living in an unknown city, far from friends, turned into hope. He made me feel completely alive and loved. His calm and serene way of being combined 100% with my loud and somewhat, just a little, electric way.
We were each other's balance.
After the call I couldn't get any sleep and the solution was a cold bath to wake up for good and be ready to meet him. But it was still early. I knew his parents were leaving for work at 7:00 in the morning.
“Did you fell out of bed?” my mother asked when I showed up in the kitchen early.
I let out a yawn and sat in a chair next to her.
I started eating some dry toast and had to take a sip of the orange juice so I wouldn't choke. However, it wasn't the food's fault, much less the lack of appetite. The cake that was still in my throat didn't ease it.
Flashes of the nightmare I had invaded my mind all the time.
It was so real.
“What happened, hun? Did something happen?” My mother noticed my silence and the mother's nose was activated.
I tried my best to hold back the tears, but they invaded me when I told my mother that I had dreamed of Leonardo in a coffin.
“Every day I wake up in fear for him, mom,” I confessed. “I'm afraid something's going to happen.”
“Alice, you can't suffer for something that might not happen.” My mother put her hand on my shoulder. “Daughter, life is a gift we receive and it can be taken from us at any time. If we think about how and when this will happen, we will stop living in the moment and worry only about the uncertainties of what may happen.”
“Mommy, but what if...”
“You can't live your life based on ‘what if,’ my love,” she interrupted me, caressing my hair.
“It's so hard to live in the uncertainty of tomorrow, Mom.” I looked up to her. “Every day I wake up thinking it might be the last day.”
“So live intensely, dear, as if the whole day were really the last day beside him. If everyone did that, people would care less about other people's lives. Sometimes we spend so much time looking at other people that we forget to live. So enjoy every moment beside Leo, because nobody knows when it's gonna be the end.”
My mother's words brought with them the memories of Leonardo and the good moments I had spent beside him.
“You're right, Mama.” I opened a smile full of relief when I realized I was being silly.
My mother was right. I couldn't waste my time being afraid.
I had to dive into my relationship with Leonardo and enjoy his company for as long as life would allow.
And I knew exactly what to do to become, once and for all, completely his.
At 8:30 I was knocking on his door, my heart racing and anxiety consuming me. I knew he was alone and it warmed my cheeks that should be red by now because of the expectation. I felt a slight tingling in my intimate region, which, I suspect, was caused by the butterflies that danced cheerfully in my stomach.
They say that the flapping of a butterfly's wings can influence typhoons on the other side of the world, so the butterflies in my stomach should be the cause of what I was feeling... well... down there.
When Leonardo opened the door, the smile taking over his face, I melted. I practically jumped into his arms and squeezed him tight, like it was the last time I was gonna hug him.
Yes.
From now on that's how I'd live next to him.
“Hey...” He walked away from me after the hug and wrapped my face in his hands. “Is everything okay?”
He seemed to feel all my urgency to be there.
“I love you, Leonardo,” I said what had been stuck in my throat for a long time. “It took me a long time to tell you that, but I only have one thing to say... I love you.”
The statement came along with a flood of tears. I sank my face back into his chest, feeling the movement of his thorax as he breathed, hearing his heartbeat.
He was there.
Alive.
And he was mine. Only mine.
“I'm here, shorty,” he whispered in my ear, placing a kiss on my head. “And I'm not going anywhere.”
Leonardo picked me up in his arms, which made me scream because of the fright I took.
“Leo, what are you doing?”
“Making you mine.” He went up the stairs to his room and when he got there, he put me in his bed. “Well... ...if you want to, of course.” I realized he was embarrassed.
Oh, my God! Is this really gonna happen?
“Of course I want to...” I spoke at the same time as I covered my face with a pillow. “But... you? I mean...” Oh, my God, how was I gonna ask that? I knew my face was getting flushed, because I felt the heat on my cheeks.
He looked at me in a funny way, which didn't help at all the fact that I was dying of shame.
“Do you want to know if I can do it?” His question came with a laugh that came out easy, welcoming and that left me a little calmer.
I nodded yes.
“My tests are normal, shorty, so...” He shrugged. “I think I have enough blood to…” Leo looked down... “you know.”
Please, help!
“Stop, dumbass!” I took the pillow and threw it towards him. “I didn't mean that.”
Breathe, Alice! Breathe! Breathe!
“And what exactly are you trying to say?” he asked, with a mischievous smile on his face.
I knew he was messing with me. He knew exactly what I meant, but he was finding all my bewilderment with that particular subject amusing.
But then again.
I never...
It was the first time...
Okay, okay... I'll use the word.
I was a virgin and I knew I was about to...
A new wave of heat went up my face and I sank into bed.
Oh, no, Mr. Leonardo! If you think you're going to make fun of my face and I'll take it quietly, you're very much mistaken.
I took a deep breath and tried to control my nervousness.
I faced Leonardo and searched within myself for the femme fatale that usually exists in the books I read. I made a sensual pose — at least I expected it to be sensual and not weird — and spoke with my most seductive voice.
“What I want to know, Toinho Leonardo, is are you going to be able to handle this right here.” I ran my hand through my body.
Bingo!
It worked!
He was disconcerted.
“I-if I can handle it?” The stammer confirmed he was a little out of it. I smiled inside, but I kept my fatal gaze on him. “Oh, Miss Alice, you have no idea how much I want you.”
He started coming toward me, and this time it was my turn to widen my eyes. Not of fear, but of expectation. I didn't even have time to think.
Leonardo laid on me and took my mouth with eagerness and urgency. Our tongues mingled in a kiss full of desire. He then turned me over and made me stand upon him.
Lying in bed, Leo looked at me with hunger. Standing on top of him, I spread my hands on his chest, feeling his breath panting and his heart now racing.
“Are you sure?” I asked, afraid it might be too much for him.
Absolutely,” he answered as he ran his fingers through my hip, my belly, my breasts. It was an unprecedented feeling. I'd never been in such intimate, special, unique contact with anyone before.
It seemed that each touch of Leo on my skin stimulated my nervous system and shivers ran all along my dorsal spine, ending the journey with a tingling and pleasurable pulse in my intimate area.
I wished he touched there.
A groan came out of the bottom of my throat when Leo started to spread kisses on my neck.
I put my hands on my face, again ashamed!
“What happened?” His eyes were filled with worry. “If you want we can stop.” A kiss, this time chaste, was deposited on my lips.
“No!” My voice was almost a scream. My breath was panting, my enlarged nostrils sought the air that was lost with every touch Leonardo gave me. “I... I want you. I need you,” I spoke in one breath. “I just...” How would I say that to him? “I... I am...”
“Virgin?” Leonardo put a loose lock of my hair behind my ear and gave one of those smiles that warmed my heart.
I said yes, and he sat me down, still holding me in his lap.
“Guess what, shorty? So am I.” He put a kiss on my lips.
My breath got stuck in my chest when I heard those words.
I didn't expect that one.
Well, to a certain point I did, but...
Bullshit!
I didn't really expect that.
“V-virgin, Leo?” My mouth was dry and it was hard to talk without me sounding hoarse.
“Every last strand of hair,” he joked. “Now come here, I wanna change that status.” He gave me a broad smile and pulled me closer to him. I literally stood on top of him, my hip positioned on top of his...
I felt that Leo was very happy to see me, because I felt a volume in his lower abdomen, making a new wave of pleasure emanate from my intimacy.
“That... that's so good, Leo.” Unconsciously — or not — I started swinging my hip which caused him to lean his head back, close his eyes and let out a groan of pleasure.
That made me excited. Knowing that I was giving him pleasure.
“That's nice, huh?” He tightened me up, increasing the contact between us. “Let's do this together, shorty. You'll be mine, I'll be yours, forever.”
“Forever,” I whispered in his ear.
Leonardo intoxicated me. Intoxicated by his scent. Intoxicated with his taste. I was totally into his kisses, his touches, his love.
And so we became one.
From that moment on, it was all for him.
Everything for him.
The first time between Alice and me was simply unforgettable. It was new sensations experienced both by me and by her. As cliché as this may sound, our first time was special, it was magical, it was memorable. We were young, but we already had such an intense connection that it was as if we had been together for years.
From then on a veil of tranquility hung over us. We did not speak much of my illness and we let the time take care of the rest. We still hadn't had any response about finding a donor compatible with me, but we decided not to worry about it.
Enjoy each day as if it were our last.
That was our motto.
Time flies and I wouldn't waste another minute worrying about things I couldn't handle. As Pitty used to say: ‘If time goes by and goes fast, it's not in my hands, every minute interests me, whether I solve it or not’.
So me and Alice had given in to that philosophy.
“I don't like all this mystery at all, Leonardo!” Alice was blindfolded and I was guiding her through a small street of dirt and stones, helping her to get away from the holes and mud that had formed due to the rain that had fallen during the afternoon. “I can't see anything with that blindfold!”
“That's the intention, shorty.” Smile at her reaction. “Now be quiet,” I ordered while carefully guiding Alice along the tortuous path.
When we arrived at the end of the road, a sand road began and just ahead a dune of considerable size rose imposingly.
“Where are we, Leo?” she asked and I could feel the anticipation in her question.
“We're almost there.”
As I knew that my physical conditioning was not the best, I had made sure that we would not need to climb it on foot. A yellow bugger was waiting for us by the dune. I carefully helped Alice to climb and then I also settled in the vehicle.
Gilvan, the driver of the tourist buggy and also my friend, guided us to the top of the dune. The afternoon was already nearing its end and the sky was beginning to dye orange. Soon the sun would set.
“Leo, I'm getting nervous,” she complained.
“Go, impatience girl, take off your blindfold.” I faked impatience.
When she finally took off the blindfold, she saw where we were. On top of a dune, with a perfect view of the sunset. There were several buggies parked on the spot. One of the attractions of Mar de Areia was the walk along the dunes, salt lagoons, cliffs and as a grand finale, the witness of the sunset of the highest dune in town.
“Ah, Leo, it's beautiful!” She smiled, turning her face to face me and then staring at the horizon in front of us.
We took off our slippers and sat on the sand. I wrapped my arm around Alice, leaning my hand on her shoulder and pulled her towards me. The evening brought with it a melancholic and even a little nostalgic feeling, difficult to explain.
Although the place was crowded with tourists, the noise was almost non-existent. All we heard were the waves of the sea, the sound of the seagulls that were circling the rafts of fishermen arriving from the fishery and the murmuring of one or other tourist, amazed at the beauty of the place.
“I always dreamed of the day I would share this moment with someone special,” I whispered in Alice's ear, when the sun was about to say goodbye. “Finally this day arrived.” I leaned towards her and gave her a little kiss in her mouth.
Alice didn't answer with words, but her gaze told me everything. Her eyes were sparkling, the smile drawn on her face transpired the emotion she felt at that moment.
And so... without speaking any more, we finished that evening side by side, watching another day of Mar de Areia come to an end.
When you're with the one you love, time seems to fly. And that's the feeling I got when I realized that in the blink of an eye I was already witnessing Alice going crazy, because it was only a week away from the ENEM test and in her head she hadn't studied anything.
“For God's sake, stay calm, creature!” I scolded her when she decided she was going to go over the whole year's material in just one week. “Trust me, it's no use. What you've learned, you' learned, what you haven't learned, you´ll have to guess.”
Alice looked at me as if she wanted to strangle me.
“Guess?” - she asked, narrowed her eyes at me. “You can't be serious.”
“Or try looking at the exam of the person in front of you.”
“You're not helping me at all, Leonardo!” Alice threw an angry look in my direction.
“What do you want me to say, shorty? That you'll be able to see in a week what you've studied all year
? Of course you won't.”
This time I thought if one look could kill me, I'd be dead hard on the ground.
We were in the library and I was careful to sit on the other side of the couch or I could be the victim of a murder.
“Easy for you to say, huh?!” The finger lying in my direction made it very clear that I was really at risk for my life.
“Alice," I said cautiously, "you've been devoting yourself to this test all year, it's not going to be a week that will make a difference in the outcome.”
I closed my eyes hoping for a book in the middle of the face, but nothing happened. I just felt Alice's body sticking to mine and her arms enveloping me.
“What if I forget everything?” she cried.
“Then you'll have another whole year at my side.”
Alice rolled her eyes.
“I don't know if this reaction of yours is good or bad.”
“Stop it, dumbass!” she slapped me on the shoulder. “You know damn well what I mean. You talking like that just makes me feel more guilty. I know that getting into college means going back to Fortaleza and well... staying away from you. That's what's killing me.”
“I'm sorry, baby. That's not what I meant. I just think you're too nervous about something you're gonna kill it,” I said honestly. “And I've been thinking about you and me, about everything that's going on and... well... all my treatment is in Fortaleza and this whole traveling from there to here thing is tiring and I thought...”
“Stop it, Leo.” I could see expectation in Alice's eyes. “You don't mean to say that...”
“Well...” I interrupted her. “I talked to my parents and they also think that maybe... just maybe... we should have a house there in Fortaleza.”
“That's a lie.” - exclaimed Alice, full of skepticism.
“I'm not saying we'll live there, but I can certainly convince them to let me spend a good season in Fortaleza, at least that way we'd spend less time apart.”
“You don't exist, Leo.” Alice nested herself in my chest and only moved away from me when Maria and Neide's piggery indicated that we were in a public space and such closeness was not appropriate. “You don't exist!”