Good Enough to Share (Good Enough, Book 1 - Christmas)

by Zara Stoneley

  And maybe she was right, maybe I was mucking around with Dane. I’d moved closer to Charlie to protect myself from Dane, because I knew there would never be a ‘me and Charlie’. He was safe. And I knew that I’d been trying to do what Sophie had told me to, have fun, prove I didn’t need James any more. But I missed Dane, he sparked something inside me, made me want to do stuff I’d never done before, stuff I hadn’t been brave enough to even think about. But I still wasn’t brave enough to take another step. And who said he wanted me to?

  Chapter Nine

  “I don’t think you should. Going backwards is a mistake, it never works, all those things that were wrong come back and it’s ten times worse.” I wonder what and who the hell Sophie is talking about, because it can’t just be Anna and Charlie. She’s twisting her jumper between her thumb and finger so fast that she’ll have a hole if she carries on.

  “There wasn’t anything wrong though.” It’s obvious that Charlie has made his mind up, he’s got a kind of quite measured confidence about him, a hint of Dane.

  “Well why…?”

  “We only split because of the baby, there was never anything else wrong.” He put a hand on top of hers and stilled her fingers. “I still love her, Soph and if I don’t do this I’ll never forgive myself.” He glanced my way then and I couldn’t stop the small smile. Laid-back, easygoing Charlie suddenly had a purpose and I loved him for it.

  “What if she’s lying?”

  “Then I’ll find out.” He didn’t seem put out by Sophie’s challenges.

  “What the fuck’s wrong with going back anyway?” It was the first time Dane had spoken since I’d arrived at his place for the fun, yeah it looked like it was going to be a laugh a minute the way it was going. He had, I think, grunted a kind of greeting, or had it just been a nod? Then he’d settled back into his chair and gone back to overseeing the Charlie and Sophie debate. It looked like I’d come at the wrong time, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be drawn into a dispute about the rights and wrongs in a relationship, because I was crap at them. Apparently I’d fucked mine up because I hadn’t been loving enough, open enough or had enough willing orifices. James was more than a one man job. And Dane didn’t appear to be talking to me, and Charlie was, well Charlie was missing Anna from the looks of things.

  Sophie scowled at Dane. “Making mistakes is one thing, going back and doing it again is just stupid.”

  “But maybe he didn’t make a mistake?” Dane seemed to be stirring Soph up from what I could see.

  “Well even if it wasn’t a mistake, you just move on don’t you? You don’t mope over it and try to change things back.”

  “Do you? Do you just move on, Soph?”

  I want them to stop, I really do. I hate all this stirring up of emotions. Talking through problems isn’t my way, I’d rather work stuff out on my own. “Look can’t we just drop this? It’s up to Charlie what….” They don’t look at me, or stop, they’re too busy locking horns. Dane all laid-back and smooth voiced, Sophie all agitated and losing control. I just have a horrible feeling that the pair of them are prodding at something that is better left alone, that everything is starting to disintegrate and if they carry on nothing will ever be quite the same again.

  “Yes, you do Dane.” The way she says Dane makes me wince.

  “So that’s worked for you, has it? Just pretending that nothing happened and you can just move on?” Sophie is all flushed and I wonder what he’s talking about. Is this about him and Soph? Something I know nothing about, or should I say something else I know nothing about.

  “Oh, you’re a fine one to talk, aren’t you? What the hell did you do with Sal? I don’t remember you manning up and trying to sort things, you just walked out and never looked back.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” His voice was still soft, and he hadn’t moved, but everything about him seemed to have tightened a bit. From his eyes, his jaw bone, right down to his hands.

  “And nor do you.”

  “Maybe not.” He gave a tiny shrug of his shoulders. “But I don’t think you’re in a position to be telling Charlie what to do after what you—” He stopped short as though he’d realized he was close to saying something he shouldn’t, and I was glad. I wished they’d just shut up now, but Sophie couldn’t.

  “I didn’t—” She was still glaring at him but there was a telltale shimmer to her eyes that scared me. Sophie didn’t cry, Sophie was the one who knew everything, who solved everybody else’s problems. “She was bloody pregnant and she never told him.”

  “So what? What the fuck is it about you women and bloody babies? Oh, for Christ’s sakes I’m going to get another drink.” He stood up and his chair screeched against the wooden floor as it was forced back.

  I looked at Charlie and he looked as shellshocked as I felt. He lifted his eyebrows and gave me a ‘I haven’t got a clue’ kind of look.

  “I just need to…” Sophie’s voice had a tremble in it as she got up and headed in the opposite direction to Dane and something told me that she needed space, time.

  “Go and find out what rattled his cage, go on.”

  “What about Soph?” It was wrong to go and talk to Dane when he’d upset Soph, but there again they’d both been doing the upsetting. I flinched at the sound of Dane crashing about in his tiny kitchen.

  “Sophie needs some thinking time.” Charlie grimaced. “But Dane needs someone to stop him trashing his house.” He grinned as I stood up reluctantly.

  “What about you, Charlie?”

  “Don’t worry about me, I know what I’m doing.” And I believed him. Sophie had always told me he was the vulnerable one, but you know what? He had it more together than the rest of us put together. The only thing holding us together was Charlie… and Anna.

  Dane didn’t even turn round when I went in the kitchen. He was stood at the sink, his back to me, staring out the kitchen window. His arms ramrod straight so that the muscles in his forearms were contracted, as clenched at the rest of him. Even in winter he only had a T-shirt on, Dane the tough guy through and through.

  “You’re angry.” Okay, maybe not that clever, but the first thing that came into my head. I stepped up until I was right next to him and dared to hook my thumb into the waistband of his jeans.

  “I am.” His voice wasn’t angry though, more resigned.

  “Why?” This could be a mistake, and wasn’t normally my style, but I wanted to know. I really wanted to know what had made him stomp out of there.

  “Sophie thinks she can tell us all what to do, but she doesn’t know natch.”

  “Natch?” I heard the hint of nervousness in my laugh. “She’s only trying to help Dane.”

  “I know. But sometimes she interferes a bit too much, she seems to think that she can hide her own fuck-ups by meddling in other people’s.”

  “I don’t think that’s entirely true. She cares about you, and Charlie.”

  “I know.” He half turned and my heart rate went up a notch as his hand came down on my waist. “She cares about everyone except herself.”

  “Meaning?” He shook his head just the slightest bit and I knew that he wasn’t going to say a word about whatever it was he’d been baiting Sophie about, fuck-ups or otherwise. “Dane?”

  “Mm.”

  “What did she say to make you that angry?”

  “Nothing, she didn’t say anything.” He was staring at me as though he was deciding whether to kiss me or not. It would be quite nice if he did, but I hadn’t come in here to let him distract me, I’d come to find out what the matter was.

  “Well, what was that comment about women and babies all about?” He withdrew then, his hand stayed in the same place but he wasn’t there any more if you know what I mean. There was a cold empty gap between us.

  “Why the fuck does she have to make such a big deal about the whole baby thing? It’s not important.”

  “Well it is, it’s why Anna left isn’t it? Because she was pregnant.” I
felt like I was missing something obvious. “But what’s it got to do with anything now? I don’t think Sophie’s obsessed with the baby thing.”

  “You all are.” Oh yeah, the women and bloody babies comment.

  “I don’t think that’s entirely true.” There was something very brittle about his jaw line when he tensed up like he’d just done. Something that said the shutters were coming down fast. I took a deep breath and ploughed on like some out of control train. “Was Sally?”

  He picked up the bottle of beer that he’d opened but not started. Half raised it to his lips then stopped. Held it between us like a barrier. “Was Sal what?”

  “Obsessed with babies?” He was looking in my direction, but seeing straight through me.

  “Yeah.” The bottle clattered back down and I waited. Men like Dane didn’t like being questioned, he was like some stubborn mule, if I pushed him he’d kick out and run. “Yeah, I guess she was.” He surprised me then because he put both hands on my waist and pulled me in a bit tighter between his thighs. I let my head rest against the broad chest, felt the warmth of him through the T-shirt against my cheek, could hear the beat of his heart strong against me and my heart seemed to change its beat to sync with him. He rested his chin lightly on the top of my head and I could feel as well as hear his words. “She wanted babies, lots of babies. Her and me didn’t seem to matter anymore, at first it was all about getting married and then I hardly had time to breathe before she started talking baby talk.” He sighed and my arms wrapped round him of their own accord. “I wanted to have some fun together and worry about kids later, but it seemed to matter to her so I said yes.” He wrapped me in a bear hug and it could have been because he wanted to hold me, or it could have been so that he didn’t have to look at me. “But saying yes wasn’t enough because she didn’t get pregnant. At first it was a joke, we both laughed, then it started to be that every time we had sex it was just about making babies. She started a fucking spreadsheet and telling me exactly how I should do it and when.” The bark of a laugh jarred me. “I couldn’t fuck her if it was the wrong day, we couldn’t just have a quickie stood up, I couldn’t touch her here, couldn’t touch her there, all she wanted to do was stick her feet in the bloody air and time me.”

  “I’m sure…” I was going to say something like it couldn’t have been like that but he stopped me.

  “It was exactly like that, it was a fucking joke, I’m a man not a bloody machine.” His grip was tight and I was scared I’d stop breathing if he carried on, he was making a joke of it, but he certainly didn’t find it funny.

  “So she didn’t?”

  “Nope. No baby. I went for the tests she wanted, changed my bloody underpants, the lot and nothing. Nada. I thought I still loved her, even when she told me it was over and she needed to move on before she got too old, I still thought that maybe there was something worth saving. But not for Sal. I’m a good shag apparently but not a good husband.”

  “But…”

  “It’s not good when your wife starts telling your parents that their son is a crap fuck and she wants someone better.” I wanted to say to him that making babies and fucking were too different things, but something told me that now was not the time. I might get crushed to death.

  “So you can’t have kids?” I was just trying to distract him from the ‘crap fuck’ statement, but I’d said the wrong thing.

  He pulled back and the look he gave me was a mix of disappointment and anger. “See what I mean, that is all you’re bothered about, marriage and babies.”

  “I didn’t say…”

  “You didn’t need to. What the hell does it matter if I can or can’t have kids? I reckon Charlie had a lucky escape Anna buggering off like that and an even luckier one that she lost it.”

  Something hard lodged itself in my throat. “You don’t mean that?” I couldn’t believe he’d said that. It wasn’t him—he couldn’t be so bitter and so angry about it that he’d wish an unborn baby dead. Not the Dane I knew, the Dane I’d slept with.

  “Oh yeah, I mean it. You know what? If falling for someone is really just all about getting a ring on your finger and having babies then I’m well out of it.”

  I stared at him as the knot in my throat spread across my chest, he couldn’t mean it. He couldn’t wish a child dead, however inconvenient it was. How ever much it wasn’t wanted. “Tell me you don’t mean that?” But he didn’t, he just looked at me like he’d had enough.

  I tried to swallow away the pain, to ignore what he’d said and concentrate on the present. “Is that why’ve you been avoiding me, because you’re frightened I’ll want more?”

  “I’ve not been avoiding you. Okay maybe I have.” He grimaced. “Holly, I’m just here to have fun and you’re not.”

  “Yes, I –”

  “It’s my fault, I got carried away, I thought you wanted the same as me then I realized…” He pushed his hands in his pockets.

  “I don’t know what I want Dane, but you know what? It isn’t a man like you. My mistake.” I had thought, in some stupid way that I knew him, that we were on that same perfect wavelength, and I’d just found out I knew sod all. He was a selfish, self absorbed idiot who didn’t give a monkey about anyone or anything else as long his life was drifting along just fine with no women or babies interfering. I didn’t even look at him, I couldn’t because it would have made me cry. Because I had been so bloody silly thinking I could play his game.

  Sophie was sat next to Charlie in the lounge. They weren’t quite touching, but close enough for me to think that they’d almost made up their differences. They both looked at me as I clenched my fists and bit my lip to try and stop the tears coming.

  “Oh, Holly. Oh shit, Holly I’m so sorry.” Sophie jumped up and gave me a hug, which made it all harder. “This is all my fault isn’t it? I am sorry, really sorry.” She had her hands on my shoulders and was looking into my eyes and we were both on the verge of tears.

  “No, it’s not. Don’t be silly.” I bit my lip to stop it trembling. Sophie was good, and kind and right now she was sad. Whatever she’d done it had been with good intentions, even if it felt like we were all standing like lemmings about to jump off some cliff. “I’ll be around if you want to chat, you know.” Just not now.

  She gave an awkward smile. “I know, thanks. I’ve got to think some things over on my own. I hate him for it, but Dane was right.”

  I knew he was stood behind me, because I could sense him there and I half expected to hear him say he was always right, but he didn’t.

  So, I just picked up my bag and set off home, well back to Charlie’s place. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself, I didn’t want to cry, but all I could think about was Mum and wonder why the hell she’d adopted me. My real mum hadn’t wanted me, I’d not been good enough so she’d given me away. But at least there hadn’t been a Dane around to wish me dead. Then there had been Mum, the woman who had brought me up, the woman who’d shown me that it was sometime easier to keep your distance, to not let yourself get hurt any more. I pulled my coat tighter around me. The year was just about to end with the type of pathetic fizzle and pop that just about summed up my life. Flat.

  ***

  “We’re going to have a chat.”

  “Good.”

  “Just a chat. It’s just—” Charlie looked slightly embarrassed.

  “Ah, you want me out of the way?” I gave him a hug and wished the whole Christmas and New Year holiday thing was over and it was time to go back to work and normality. All this ‘having fun’ business was killing me. A few more days, only a few more days. “Of course, I’ll get out of your hair.” Though I wasn’t quite sure a brisk walk would do it, I’d be back and they’d be… well maybe carrying on where they left off a few years ago. “Maybe you should text me when I’m allowed back.” He laughed a carefree but dirty laugh and I knew I would miss Charlie when I moved out and into my own place. Something that was top of my list for the year. And even more top now that Ann
a was back on scene, being a gooseberry was so not my scene.

  “How come she came back, not as in back at all, but why now?”

  “She said she saw me in town and was about to speak when Dane appeared and she ducked out, then she came here and thought she’d made a mistake when Sophie answered the door.”

  “She came back though.”

  “I know.” His blue eyes shone, a weird mix of little boy innocent and dangerous man and I could see why a girl wouldn’t want to let him go. “I’ve got to give it a go haven’t I?”

  “You have, or you’ll never forgive yourself.”

  “Scary.” He grinned.

  “Wimp.”

  “What’s up with you and the cowboy?” I laughed and gave him a playful punch in the ribs, I’d made the mistake of telling him about my cowboy fantasy one evening when we’d had a few drinks—a day that seemed so long ago now.

  “I think he’s a lone star that one.” It hurt, but I knew now that Sophie had been wrong about me and Dane. We’d just about got to a bend in the road and I’d almost taken it, but he never would.

  “He misses you.”

  “Rubbish.”

  “He’s just a big softie under that strong silent image. Is this all about Sal?”

  “A bit. He doesn’t want a relationship Charlie, so we kind of reached the end of the road, the next bit is a bit too rocky.” And he isn’t the type of guy I thought he was.

  “He wants you.”

  “He wants fun.”

  “Sal hurt him you know, really, she made him feel like he wasn’t good enough for anyone that he’d always been a letdown. That’s why he ran away from his family and started up here. He loves kids, is great with them, comes from a big, huggy brood.”

  “Really?” I’d never really thought about Dane as a big family man, he’d always struck me as a bit of a loner.

  “I ran away from my folk’s money and Dane ran away from all the lurve.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the way he said it. “He thinks he’s let them down. He gave Sally her divorce because —”

  “Hang on, she finished it.”