by Blake Nelson
But then the manager came over and you were only allowed fifteen minutes and he kicked us out. So we went back down the escalator and then they left and Carla waved to me and I couldn’t believe how all this time I thought she was a bitch. And then I looked down at my stupid outfit and it was so embarrassing but they didn’t even care! And it just proved how suburban I was and how image-conscious and shallow and how cool they were to not laugh at me. And then I went to Poor Boy Records and I felt totally energized and so cool because I had just had coffee with Todd and Carla and I was looking at posters and smiling at everyone and just having the best time!
On Christmas Eve Rebecca came over during the day and we baked cookies with my mom and Emily while James and my dad watched football on TV. Rebecca did most of the talking and Emily argued with us about feminism and said we were “young women” and not “girls” and I was like, I’ll just stay a girl as long as I can, thank you very much. But I didn’t say it. And then James came over and snuck cookie batter with his fingers and Emily whacked him with her spoon like he was a dog. And then she smiled at us like, See how you train them? But I was like, Someone should train you!
After that I walked Rebecca to her car and we had a long talk in my driveway. I told her about seeing Todd and Carla and I asked her if we could ever transcend our suburban upbringing and be as worldly as they were. She said of course we could and she gave me this little pep talk about how our lives were just beginning. Then we discussed what a creep Emily was and what was James thinking marrying her? Rebecca said she’d love to meet an older man and we talked about sex and how Hillside guys were too boring but Outer Limits guys were too scary. And then she gave me a big hug and said Merry Christmas and she said how glad she was that we were best friends now and I said, “Me too.”
That night James got totally drunk and almost fell over the coffee table and my parents pretended not to notice. And then Emily was whining to my mom about her hard life and I swear, just the sound of her voice gave me a headache. And then Kevin called and wished me Merry Christmas and told me Doug was home for Christmas and would me and Rebecca like to do something? I said, “I guess.” He said, “You guess?” And then we had a fight because he didn’t think I wanted to but of course I did, I was just thinking about other things.
Christmas itself was pretty boring. I got some black jeans, which I needed, and a hundred-dollar gift certificate at Image since my parents didn’t realize I had transcended it. James gave me some woolly socks to go with my new granny look which was becoming a family joke. Emily gave me some black leather gloves that looked pretty expensive and I didn’t know what to say since I hadn’t got her anything. And afterward we ate and James watched football and fell asleep. And Dad read the paper and Mom and Emily made a turkey and I called Rebecca and asked her what she got. And then we talked about our double date with Kevin and Doug and what if Doug had a girlfriend at college and wanted Rebecca to be his out-of-town mistress? And then we talked about college and how everyone must have constant sex. And then we wondered if you could have sex when you were pregnant and why was Emily so obnoxious and would we be like that if we got pregnant, which of course we never would.
Later that week we went out with Kevin and Doug. Doug’s parents were in Costa Rica so we went to his house. It was in the woods and pretty fancy and they had MTV and this huge living room with a loft and stuff. But there was something sort of cold about it. Like you could turn on these floodlights in the backyard but all that was back there was some scraggly trees and a lot of mud. Doug paid a lot of attention to Rebecca and made us drinks and was very suave and college-ish. And we watched MTV and HBO and part of a sex video. Then we took a hot tub except of course we didn’t bring our swimsuits and we had to go naked. So we made the boys wait outside and we got in first and they came in wearing towels and I didn’t look at their penises but I think Rebecca did. And then we all sat there and it was really quiet in the house and just the gurgling sound of the bubbles and I smiled at Kevin a lot but nobody really talked.
We had sex of course. That was the whole point of the night. Me and Kevin went in Doug’s parents’ room and I was so horny for some reason and he went pretty long and then after that I put it in my mouth and tried to get it going again because that’s what Rebecca told me but it didn’t work. So we just laid there and listened to the rain on the windows. And then it got hard again and I put a condom on it and put it in my mouth just to see what it was like but the condom was all slimy from lubricant and it was gross. Then we did it again and did positions and I got on top of him and he made little whimpering noises. Afterward I got one of Rebecca’s cigarettes and sat in the bed naked and did “The Bitch.” And then I made one up myself, “After Sex,” and I thought about Todd and if I would ever see him again and Kevin was telling me I shouldn’t start smoking but I wasn’t even listening.
But then driving home Rebecca was totally freaking out because Doug put it inside her before he put the rubber on and even though it was just for a second they told us in health class that a little bit of sperm comes out at the beginning and did I think she’d get pregnant? I didn’t know. She also said that Doug was really fast and didn’t give her any foreplay and maybe it was date rape. But since she wanted to she guessed it wasn’t. And all the way home it rained and Rebecca worried about getting pregnant and I kept sniffing myself and wondering if I smelled like sex or cigarettes.
Back at school everyone talked about what they got for Christmas. Julie Cavanaugh got a car and Darcy got a new Gap dress and I heard these two sophomore girls talking about a big Christmas party at Renee Hatfield’s. And Cybil had dyed her hair blond but if you tried to talk to her about it she was like, “So I dyed my hair, big deal.” But she did want to hear my story of meeting Todd Sparrow and Carla at Kruger’s. And she said, “See? You don’t think you’re that cool but Todd Sparrow knows you are.” So then we talked about how only people who are totally secure in their own coolness can afford to acknowledge it in others. But what about Carla? We talked about her too and Cybil said she was an enigma because she looked so aloof but when you talked to her it was like she was mentally retarded. And I said how she always shrugged and it was like a nervous tick. And Cybil said she seemed pretty intense and I said how nice she was and how she thought up present ideas for my brother. And then we both reflected on how interesting their lives must be and how we were stuck at boring Hillside.
And then the next day all these rumors went around about the anorexic girl who tried to kill herself. It turned out she died over vacation because after she went home from the hospital she wasn’t eating and then she went into the woods along Cutter’s Ridge and got lost and they found her and she’d fainted from starvation and she was all wet from the rain and she just died. And it was so weird because they announced it at lunch and the whole cafeteria went silent and everyone looked out the windows at the rain falling down.
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17
And then one day at school Cybil was in study hall and I snuck in and sat behind her and just sort of watched her and it was so weird because even though she was now this cool singer in a band there was still something in her shoulders and neck that reminded you of what she really was. A jock. Everybody forgot about that when she shaved her head and started doing her music. But she was. The first time I ever saw her was playing soccer in gym class freshman year. This girl Megan Carter was the goalie and I was on defense and Cybil would dribble past us and kick it in from anywhere she wanted. And Megan would scream at us to stop her but no one could. And I remembered how confident Cybil seemed and how graceful she was in everything she did. And it was weird because jocks and cool people were supposed to be on opposite sides but if you watched Todd Sparrow walk down the street or go on stage or do anything he had that same gracefulness. And just like Cybil seemed in slow motion when she was creaming us at soccer, Todd had this perfect relaxedness in his shoulders. Like he could catch anything you threw at him from any direction. Now that I thoug
ht about it, Wendy Simpson was in that gym class. She never did anything though. And all the girls hated it because it was first period and they would be all dressed up for school and then they’d have to get all sweaty and take gross gym showers. And they always made us play soccer on the softball field so we wouldn’t mess up the precious Football Practice Field. The softball field was at the very edge of the school grounds and every time the ball went out of bounds it rolled down the bank and into the woods and there we’d be, these sleepyhead freshmen girls stepping through the dewy grass looking for the soccer ball. And the sun would be coming up and the birds would be chirping and sometimes we’d just give up and sit on the bank until Mrs. Parmeter would come yell at us. And I remembered one time looking up the bank and Cybil was standing on top of the hill picking dirt out of her shoes and watching the other girls look for the ball she had kicked so hard and so far into the woods.
In the next couple weeks I pretty much went for the “Granny look” as my mother called it. Me and Rebecca were about the same size and we pooled our stuff and Rebecca had her eye prescription put in some vintage horn-rimmed frames, which looked so great that I asked my mom if I could have glasses but she said no. And we went to HOP! every day for a week and we made a pact that we would never wear Image clothes and we traded all our Image stuff in at HOP! because if all you had was cool clothes then you would have to dress cool everyday whether you felt like it or not. And then Kevin started taking us to Monte Carlo and trying to fix Rebecca up with different boys. One night we were there and we saw Darcy and Wendy and they were actually nice to me and I talked to Darcy for a while and she’d finally done it with this boy Troy Lonsdale who went to Bradley Day School. She said how it really wasn’t that big of a deal, was it? I said, “I guess not,” and we talked about boys and stuff but not too much and I was relieved to get away from her.
And then one day this strange-looking boy came over to Rebecca and me at lunch and he said he was a sophomore transfer student and could he sit with us? We sort of shrugged and he sat down and he had a Cyanide T-shirt and long hair and a silver stud in his nose. He said he was from Seattle and he asked us about the local scene, I guess because we looked more into it than anybody else in the cafeteria. So we told him about Outer Limits and Sins of Our Fathers and described Cybil to him. And he kept asking us stuff so we told him about hanging out with Color Green and he totally did not believe it and he scoffed and said, “Like Todd Sparrow, like that Color Green?” We acted very offended and said, “Yes, that Color Green.” And he was totally impressed and he said Color Green was practically his favorite band. And he apologized and said he thought by how we were dressed we would be more into folk-pop or English stuff and that Color Green was more influenced by eighties Hardcore groups like Cyanide and Hammerheads or industrial stuff like Mirage or Positive Space. We didn’t know those bands so we said we weren’t into labeling people or putting them in categories and we liked Color Green because they were our friends and they took us to cool parties. And he was like, “They take you to parties?” and he still didn’t quite believe it but he said, “Okay. Sure. Cool.”
His name was Matthew Frohnmeyer and the next day he sat with us again. He told us he played guitar in a band called Seed Machine in Seattle but they weren’t for real and he’d like to get in a real band here in Portland and what should he do? We said go to Outer Limits or talk to Cybil. He did. And then Cybil called me that night and asked me about him because he just walked right up to her and asked if he could be in their band. And Richard was already thinking they needed a bass player and he wanted to try him out. But Cybil was nervous because then it would be three boy musicians with a girl lead singer which was the worst kind of band and made you feel like a stripper or something.
And then I called Rebecca and she had just got off the phone with Matthew and he had asked her out! And the reason he gave was because he liked her glasses! I told her that he was already trying to get into Cybil’s band and did she think he was cute and what about the stud in his nose because the only other Hillside person who had a nose ring was skanky Betsy Warren and Rebecca said that Marjorie had one too and it was just so small you didn’t see it and that she had seen a freshman girl with one and lots of people at Monte Carlo had them. So then we had a long discussion about nose rings and if they left a scar and how could you blow your nose? And then we talked some more about Matthew and how bold he was and if he was cute or not and we couldn’t really decide but it was clear he was not going to be just another Hillside student.
Rebecca did not go out with Matthew right away because she thought she should make him wait. But then she saw him talking to Wendy Simpson and everybody knew she went for younger guys. So she invited him to a movie and she was nervous and nothing much happened except they talked a lot and mostly about music and Matthew kept saying what a great guitar player he was. And the next day Cybil came with us to Taco Time to discuss Matthew Frohnmeyer and what his deal was and we all agreed he had a big ego because he came from Seattle which had the hugest scene and about a million famous bands. And Cybil said Richard talked to him on the phone and they were going to set up a practice to see if he could play bass. And then Cybil said one of us should learn to play bass, that Richard could teach us and it was easy. But Rebecca flunked piano lessons and I got stage fright so bad I couldn’t even sing in the choir. And Cybil frowned and swirled her ice around in her cup and you could tell she thought we were chicken.
And even though I had lots of cool clothes now, my cow dress was still my favorite and I was always fixing it because it was falling apart. And all these years my mom had tried to teach me about sewing and I would never learn but now I was always asking her stuff and I was getting to be an expert. And I always wore it downtown and the people at the library probably thought it was the only thing I owned. I was going there a lot now because I was getting my parents’ car all the time and the reason for that was I had finally found the ultimate parental bargaining chip: college.
My parents had never really thought about where I’d go to college but then our college counselor, Mr. Perry, called them and with my grades and my PSATs he said I could go to a good college. And it was weird because James went to University of Oregon and everyone assumed I would too. But people at school were talking about going back east or to California and Mr. Perry was doing these little presentations about different colleges and it sounded sort of fun. But then Mitzi Berkowitz’s parents came in and yelled at Mr. Perry because stupid Mitzi had to get into Stanford and there was this big controversy because more people at Camden went to good colleges and they were our big rivals. And that started a rumor that Mr. Perry would get fired if he didn’t get people into the Ivy Leagues. And then Cynthia Carmichael wrote an editorial in Hillsider about how cool Mr. Perry was and would students please keep their parents on a leash when visiting the college counselor, which was a total face on Mitzi Berkowitz and almost got Cynthia Carmichael kicked off the paper.
But the main thing was that my parents were supposed to encourage me, which I convinced them meant giving me the car. I’d say I had to go downtown to study or look at catalogs or do some “outside reading” which was another thing Mr. Perry told them I should do. And really, I felt bad because my parents were so proud and getting so hopeful and all I did was go to Scamp’s and eat frozen yogurt. And wear my cow dress. And hope Todd Sparrow would walk by. And I was almost seventeen and my parents were getting old, especially my mom, and my brother, James, was stuck with Emily and her new baby and everyone was looking at me like I was their last chance to do something good.
And then one day I saw Carla in the Metro Mall. She was having coffee and smoking a cigarette and talking to this weird man with slicked-back hair. I had my cow dress on and I was coming out of Scamp’s and the minute I saw her I almost chickened out because even if Carla was nicer than you thought she was still pretty scary. But I walked over and I said, “Hi, Carla,” as nice as I could. She sort of looked at me and the man with
the slicked-back hair looked at me and he had pock marks and he was extremely scary. And then she remembered who I was and she said hi and I asked if Todd was around. She said he was over at Poor Boy Records and he was coming back if I wanted to hang out. But I said I had to put money in my parking meter and maybe I’d catch him on my way out. And she said okay and I smiled and waved and casually walked away.
Outside I just ran. I ran down the steps and around the corner and almost crashed into two heavy-metal boys. I got across the street and hurried along the sidewalk toward Poor Boy Records. I checked myself in the windows and decided I looked pretty cute. At Poor Boy I opened the door and the little bell jingled and there was Todd. His back was to me and he was flipping through records and my heart was racing and I couldn’t think of what to do. So I circled around the row he was looking at and came up the other side until I was right in front of him. His face was so serious and concentrated I didn’t want to disturb him but then he looked up and he jumped and he said, “Jesus, Andrea!” And he looked at me and I tried to say something but it was hopeless. My brain was in total confusion. And I looked at the ceiling and the ground and twisted around on my heel and it was so embarrassing. Then he asked me what I was doing and I said I didn’t know and he said, “You really don’t, do you?” So I said I was going home and I saw Carla and I just wanted to say hi and I was just heading back to my car and Carla said he was here and I was just walking by and blah blah and I was babbling like the biggest idiot. He said, “It’s all right, Andrea, everything is all right.”
So then he started showing me record covers because this guy named Buzz Mitchell in Seattle wanted to record his band. I said, “Like a record contract?” which was perfect because he started talking about Buzz Mitchell and explaining all the politics and I could relax. And I went over on his side and he showed me stuff and told me about cover art and asked me which covers I liked. And our shoulders were touching and it was so obvious something was going to happen. And then I drove us to his house and he took me in his room and took off my cow dress and put it inside me so fast I hardly knew what was happening.