by Blake Nelson
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18
After sex, Todd told me his life story. He was born twenty-two years before in San Diego and his dad was in the Air Force and they lived in San Diego and Virginia and Seattle and Texas. Then his parents got divorced and he lived with his mom in Fresno and he went to high school there and it was all these redneck types and he always got in fights and then he dropped out his senior year and moved to Chicago with an older woman. Then he moved to Seattle to play music and he got a new girlfriend who he really loved but she was sort of crazy and into drugs and she started doing heroin. And it was getting too weird so Todd left and moved to Portland to try to forget her. In Portland he got a job at a bakery and he met this rich guy who took him to L.A. where he met Luke at a Cyanide show. And Luke’s dad was totally brutal and would beat him so he latched onto Todd and they came up to Portland and formed a band called Coma. Coma played some places but they weren’t very good and Luke was only seventeen and he was freaking out so he went back to L.A. And then Todd went back to Seattle because he still loved his girlfriend and he thought he could help her but she was still on heroin and then one night these guys came and tried to get money out of her and they put a gun to Todd’s head and he had to give them all his money and his guitar and everything he had. So then he left, he just walked out into the streets. And he had no place to stay and nothing to eat and then these skinheads found him and fed him and showed him how to hop a freight train back to Portland. And at first he was panhandling and stealing food and sneaking into basements to sleep but then he met Carla and he lived with her. Then he got a job at a health food store where this hippie woman was always trying to seduce him. Finally he saved up enough money to get a new guitar and then Luke showed up with a bunch of money he stole from his dad. So they re-formed Coma and wrote some songs and went back to L.A. to get signed to a record contract but everyone there was full of shit and on drugs and trying to rip them off. And Todd had a job cleaning pools and he’d see all these rich people having sex with their maids and then this black guy who was an ex-baseball player was totally on crack and started chasing him around the pool with a golf club and Todd had to dive over a fence and he broke his arm and the baseball guy gave him $10,000 not to sue. So then he and Luke tried to make a record but they just got ripped off and then they started doing drugs and blowing all their money on clothes and stuff and then one night it was pouring down rain and they were on mushrooms and standing on top of their building and they saw the police shoot this black guy about twenty times for no reason. And then they started getting paranoid that the cops were after them so they snuck out of L.A. and came back to Portland where they would be safe and they could do their band in peace. And this time they were just going to concentrate on the music and forget about all the record industry stuff because they already saw where that road led. And besides, if it was in your soul to do it fate would take you there and everything else was just a test to see if you were the real thing.
And all the time he talked I held his head and stroked his hair and the stubble on his face was scratching my breasts. And it must have been a couple of hours because the room had become totally dark and outside the streetlights had come on and Todd was just a dark shape beside me on the bed. And then we started kissing and he touched my breasts and I was getting so aroused. And then we started doing it and he held my hips with his hands and gripped me really tight and it was like he was squeezing all my senses into one place, into the place where he was inside me. Then he held my wrists above my head so I was totally trapped and I could feel something starting to happen and I wanted it to but I was scared and it didn’t. But he kept doing it and I knew I was getting close and then I felt my brain turning off and he kept going and going and then it happened, it just poured through me and I pushed up against him and tried to hold it right there and it was so intense I was practically blacking out. And then I tried to slow him down for a second but he kept pounding into me and holding me down and just fucking me. And then he pinned my arms down by my sides and got really intense and he squeezed so tight it hurt and then he came and it was over. And I could feel the blood going back in my arms after he released me and I was damp and cold and my brain was swimming and I felt like I’d been hooked up to electric wires and had my brains blasted out.
At home that night I was in a daze. I wore a long-sleeve shirt to dinner so my parents wouldn’t see the grip marks on my arms. And I was so spaced out I was sure they’d think I was on drugs. But they didn’t notice. After dinner I went upstairs to do homework. I didn’t do any though. I just laid on my bed and listened to tapes and then I took a shower and combed my hair and I felt like I’d been totally fucked. It was so weird. With the other boys I had sex. But now I’d been fucked. It was a lot different. When someone fucked you it made you understand that you were female. They were male and you were female and they fucked you. You did not fuck them. And it seemed so weird and grim and scary it made me want to cry. But I didn’t. I wouldn’t let myself. I just kept combing my hair. And all night my brain was like mush and totally empty except for Todd Sparrow, who was haunting me and no matter what I tried to think about it always came back to him.
At school Rebecca could see something was wrong in my face. She followed me to my locker and she kept asking me what was the matter so I finally told her I had sex with Todd Sparrow. I was bending down for my Spanish homework when I said it and she was standing over me and there was just total silence. And when I stood up she whispered, “Were you drunk?” I shook my head. I said it was in the day time and in the afternoon and then at night too. She just stood there with her mouth open and finally she said, “Are you glad?” I said I didn’t know, would she be glad if Todd Sparrow fucked her, I mean really fucked her? Then I showed her the marks on my arms and she just stared in disbelief. And then tears started coming in my eyes and I couldn’t help it and Rebecca moved in front of me so people wouldn’t see and she held my hand and she said, “Oh, Andrea!”
And the thing was, all this time I had convinced myself that something had happened between Cybil and Todd back when she first shaved her head. That they had made out or something and that she never told anyone because she was afraid it would freak out Richard. But at Taco Time at lunch, Cybil just shook her head. “I was afraid to let him touch me,” she said. “That’s why I shaved my head. Because I felt like I’d been so boring.” But then she said she might have if she’d known him better. And that he seemed okay. And that anyway, I shouldn’t be too freaked out about it. But she could tell I was. They both could. I was so freaked out I could barely hold my taco. I was totally freaked out. And then Wendy and Darcy came over to our table and I couldn’t look at them and they were trying to invite us to a party. And when I finally looked up Darcy was staring right at me and I was sure she knew instantly. And she would probably tell everyone. And there was nothing I could do to stop the rumors and all the things people would say: that I was a groupie, that I was a slut, that I had been fucked by Todd Sparrow.
But after a couple days the shock wore off and nobody found out and I felt safe again and then, duh, of course, I started thinking about Todd. Actually I had never stopped. And I found myself talking to him in my head and every night I hugged my pillow and imagined his stubble on my chest and my tummy and all over me. And of course I wanted to see him again but what could I do? Go to his house? What if it was just a one-night stand? Which it probably was. But couldn’t we still be friends? And if we were friends, couldn’t we maybe have sex again? And what about Carla? Was he having sex with her? Was he having sex with all the girls downtown? And if I had sex with him more would I become his girlfriend? Was it socially possible that I could be his girlfriend? Was I old enough? Was I cool enough? Would I need different clothes? And maybe he didn’t want someone who was still in high school. Was it even legal for us to have sex? And maybe it would be best if we were secret lovers and we could meet on Sundays to make love and talk and do kinky stuff but not too kinky. Or maybe
I could be like his kid sister because that’s how he acted, sort of teasing me and stealing my cigarette that time, and even after sex he joked around like it wasn’t anything. And I discussed it endlessly with Cybil and Rebecca and it was weird because for the first time, Cybil was really impressed with something I did, and everyone was trying to figure out what I should do next and all of a sudden I was the center of attention.
And then one day at lunch Rebecca was grilling me on the exact details and just what exactly Todd did and what exactly did it feel like and I was telling her some parts and I guess I was sort of bragging but I didn’t mean to. And Matthew was behind us and he heard part of it and asked us what we were talking about and Rebecca told him I was “dating” Todd Sparrow and I said no I just went on a “date” with him and we were sort of grinning and Matthew said, “You boffed him?” Me and Rebecca tried to look shocked but Matthew got all excited and said, “You boffed Todd Sparrow? Tell me, Andrea. Did you? Did you boff Todd Sparrow?” I shook my head no no no but I was giggling and Rebecca got milk up her nose and then we both cracked up. And then Matthew told us gossip about Nick Pax and how all the Outer Limits crowd was boffing each other and that was the whole point wasn’t it? And he said how hot Cybil was and did Sins of Our Fathers get groupies and did she boff a lot of guys? We said of course not but he was so funny and we had never heard anyone call it boffing before. And I could tell Rebecca was starting to like him again and now that I had sex with Todd she probably felt pressure to do something dramatic.
Then on Thursday me and Rebecca went downtown and we drove by Todd’s house but we didn’t see anybody. Then we went to the library and stood under the awning and looked for him and tried to smoke cigarettes and I had on my cow dress and some eye shadow but then I thought I looked like a slut so I wiped it off. Then we walked around Metro Mall and we were getting nervous and thinking up signals I’d give Rebecca if we saw him and she would pretend she’d left her books in the car and she’d leave us alone. And then we went to Scamp’s and got frozen yogurts and it was so weird because I could feel what a stupid high school girl I still was, bringing Rebecca with me and making up signals and being so scared to even walk down the street. But in another way I felt this lust toward Todd that felt very mature. Like real desire. That part of me wanted to send Rebecca home and walk over to Todd’s and bang on the door and tell him to make love to me now.
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We sat at Scamp’s for a long time. And then Derek and Jonathan walked by who I hadn’t seen since sophomore year and they were dressed totally Death Rock with so much makeup and stuff in their hair you could barely recognize them. They told us about this new club called Secret City and some guy with AIDS and it was weird because their scene was all gay people and doing Ecstasy and being totally decadent. And it was awkward and then they left. And then Rebecca said, “How do you know those guys?” I said me and Darcy used to hang out with them and Rebecca looked at me like wow and sort of in awe and I recognized that look because that’s how I always looked at Cybil.
19
We still had Wendy Simpson’s party to go to. It was on Saturday night and Rebecca’s parents were gone and we went to her house and goofed around and listened to a tape of Sins of Our Fathers that Greg made us. And we danced around and got some Peppermint Schnapps out of the liquor cabinet and we took little sips and put on lipstick and eyestuff and tried on hats with our new winter coats we got on sale at HOP! And when we got to Wendy’s we were already tipsy and we went in and everyone was standing around with beer cups and listening to boring dance music. And so we lit cigarettes and everyone freaked out like “You can’t smoke in here.” And we were like, “Oh yeah?” And then we went downstairs and Darcy was there and she looked awful. And Wendy was really drunk and it seemed like a bad sign when the person who was having the party was drunker than the guests. And Renee Hatfield was there and she was looking over at Wendy with disgust and there were all these really popular people there except they looked bored. And then Scott Haskell tried to talk to us and I turned my back on him. And then Darcy came over and talked to me and I swear, it was like she was on drugs because she had this dazed look on her face and it turned out her Bradley Day School boyfriend had broken up with her. I was like, “It happens Darcy, jeez.” But she was moaning about it and being really weird and clinging to me. Then Matthew showed up and he hung out with us and he said how lame the party was. And we drank beer and Rebecca almost fell off her new platform shoes and then she took them off and stuck them in her coat pockets and the heels were hanging out and Matthew kept teasing her and stepping on her toes. And then these Camden boys tried to talk to us but we were being rude. And then Betsy Warren and Marjorie showed up and Betsy was drinking a quart of Old English 800 and smoking and Marjorie was all made up and she looked like a total slut. And then some senior boys tried to bug Matthew about his nose ring but he wouldn’t take it for a second and he told them to go listen to their Garth Brooks records and he totally faced them. But then he got nervous and he thought they might beat him up and he wanted to leave but Rebecca was like, “Leave? Where would we go?” But then it seemed like a good idea because all we were doing was being rude and making fun of people and it seemed like something bad was going to happen or we’d get bad karma or something.
So we got our stuff and started to leave. Darcy followed me up the stairs and asked me where we were going and I lied and said we were going to get cigarettes and she collapsed on the stairs, she just plopped down and put her head in her hands and I was like, “Darcy, stand up!” But she wouldn’t and everyone was watching and then Matthew grabbed my arm and said, “Come on,” and pulled me up the stairs.
We went in Matthew’s car. I sat in back. And I was getting the creeps so bad from the party and then Matthew put in a tape and it sounded familiar and then Todd’s voice came on and I jumped forward and turned it up. Matthew said it was a bootleg of Coma, which was Todd’s first band, and I sat back and listened and pulled my coat tight around me and I was so happy. So then we drove by Outer Limits but there was no one there so we went by Monte Carlo and Matthew talked to some people outside and they told him about this place called Zoso. So we went there and it was this coffee shop/art gallery thing and we walked in and there were all these supercool downtown types and people in winter coats and girls with dyed hair and it was sort of intimidating. But Matthew grabbed us and pulled us along. We sat in a booth and everyone ignored us and I tried to think about Todd and remind myself that if I was cool enough for him I had to be cool enough for these people.
Matthew ordered us tea and we drank some and that perked us up. And they were playing a tape that I knew and me and Rebecca were bopping around in our seats. And then Rebecca kicked me and pointed toward the door and it was Kevin. He was with another guy and some trendy girls. I tried to hide behind Matthew because Kevin had been calling me and I never called him back. But there was no way to avoid it and he saw us and stopped by our table and everyone said hi and it was really awkward and weird.
They sat at another booth and Rebecca snuck looks at them and I peeked over the seat to look at the girls he was with. And then when we started to leave Kevin came over and asked if he could talk to me for a minute and I said sure and Matthew and Rebecca sat back down and we went outside to Kevin’s Volvo. It was cold and he turned on the heat and he told me how cute I looked and how much he liked my coat. I told him it was from HOP! and I showed him the label that said Kings Road, England. And then he tried to kiss me and I didn’t know what to do so I let him and we made out for a while and I thought if I didn’t see Todd Sparrow again maybe I should go out with Kevin for sex or to have a boyfriend. But was that too mean? So I told him that I had sex with someone else and that I sort of hoped I’d see that person again but I didn’t know exactly what was happening. And Kevin said how could I have sex with a person if I didn’t know what was happening? I didn’t answer and then he asked me who it was and I told him it was Todd Sparrow.
; He let go of me then and moved over to his own seat. I told him it was only one time and he hadn’t called me and it was probably over anyway. And then Kevin sighed really loud and ran his hand through his hair and asked me how stupid could I be, did I think someone like Todd Sparrow ever called the girls he fucked afterward? I just shrugged. And I stared straight ahead through the window and I thought I saw a snowflake. And Kevin shook his head in frustration and said how if you’re nice to girls they blow you off but if you’re Todd Sparrow and you treat them like shit and use them and dump them afterward they all fall in love with you and how unfair it was and why were girls so stupid? And he was getting really mad and it seemed pointless to talk anymore. So I got out and then I did see a snowflake and when I got back inside Rebecca asked me what was happening and I sighed and said, “I think it’s starting to snow.”
It did snow and the next day everything was white and it was so beautiful. I got up early and helped my dad shovel the driveway and I thought about what Kevin had said but I knew Todd wasn’t that type of person. Even if he did have sex with lots of girls he still liked them as friends. After shoveling I made hot chocolate and studied in my room but mostly I looked out at the snow in the yard. And everything was so quiet and peaceful and all I could think about was Todd and I imagined him appearing in the snow and yelling up to me and crawling in the window somehow and we would kiss and he would undress me and take me to the bed and we’d make love and talk and spend the whole day just getting into each other.