by Blake Nelson
By Monday morning the snow had melted and it was raining and everything was gray and depressing as usual. And Matthew got in a fight in the parking lot before school and he got suspended because this dumb freshman girl said he started it. And Cybil said they had practiced with Matthew for three hours on Sunday and she had to admit it sounded ten times better with a bass player and Matthew had really good ideas and she even gave him some of her lyrics to think up music for. And then there was this big announcement because this couple at Camden committed suicide by running their car in their parents’ garage and they had written the lyrics to a Krokus song on their suicide note and it was a big controversy. And I was really nervous that the song was going to be “Destiny” but it wasn’t, it was one off their second album called “Nowhere to Run.” So then after lunch we had to talk about our feelings in all our classes and this football player got in trouble because he said he was glad they did it because if they couldn’t take the pressure they should get weeded out and it was just natural selection like we learned in biology.
After school me and Rebecca went to Matthew’s to see how he was doing. He had a black eye from the fight. But he was joking around and his mom was totally weird, like she didn’t even care that he was suspended and she was like, “Oh, you are such nice girls! Oh, Matthew, aren’t they nice girls!” And her makeup was weird and she reminded me of Ms. Simms, who was the crazy art teacher at Hillside and always wore capes and stuff to school. And we went into Matthew’s room and I had never seen a room with so much stuff. He had posters and magazines and stereo stuff and electrical wires and tape players and video stuff and skateboard wheels and about four answering machines and a bunch of guitars and amplifiers and everything else you could imagine. And he pushed stuff off his bed and we sat on it and it smelled just like him. And he played us some Coma tapes and some other obscure bands and he even had a tape of Cybil singing her songs by herself. It was all very impressive and Rebecca was totally having a crush on him and I just sat there and listened to Cybil whose voice sounded so pure and sad without any instruments. And then we went to Sunset Mall and had frozen yogurt and I talked about how horrible Darcy looked and Matthew said she was anorexic and I was like, “Do you think?” and he just laughed at how naive we were. And the other thing we found out about Matthew that day was he was actually as old as us because he was held back when he was little because he had been immature and hyperactive as a child.
And all that week weird things kept happening at school. Like Cybil and Wendy had a screaming fight in the hall. No one would say what it was about but I knew it was something about Darcy. And then these psychologists came and told us it was the rain that was making us suicidal and we should get our parents to buy these special sun lamps for our rooms. And then someone wrote MATTHEW IS A FAG on Matthew’s locker and since he was suspended it stayed there the whole day and then when he came back on Wednesday he thought it was funny and he left it there and then he got in another fight after school in the parking lot. And Betsy Warren got suspended for smoking pot and then they had anti-smoking day and this horrible man came to our class and tried to act really hip and speak our language and relate to us and he told us he knew how bad we wanted to be cool but having lung cancer wasn’t worth it because he had it and he was going to die, but he had blow-dried hair and the fakiest tan and nobody believed him. And then Richard, who was usually with Cybil or off studying somewhere, actually ate lunch with me and Rebecca and Matthew and it was so weird because the way he acted around Matthew it was like Matthew was the leader of the band now. And later that day I saw Richard in Mr. Perry’s office and he said he wanted to go to MIT. And I thought about next summer and what I wanted to do and I definitely did not want to get stuck in Harper’s Ferry again so I was being really serious about my college stuff and getting as much ammunition as I could so my parents couldn’t send me away.
And then Darcy got a bob and I thought it looked pretty cute and I saw her in the bathroom and I told her how nice it looked. She sort of smiled back in the mirror and she was trying to put this headband on and she couldn’t seem to get it right. And she had lots of zits and her wrists looked awfully skinny and I asked her how she was doing. But I guess that was stupid because there were all these other girls there and she gave me this weird look like, What are you talking about? and I didn’t know what to say so I left.
At lunch I told Rebecca and Matthew about Darcy, and Matthew said she was taking speed. We asked him how he knew and he nodded toward Betsy Warren who was sitting at the next table. And then Jerry Kruger came up behind Matthew and called him a faggot and Matthew pretended like he didn’t see him and waved his hand like, What stinks? And Jerry slapped him on the side of the head and Matthew started swearing and grabbing his ear and everybody thought he was joking but it turned out his eardrum was broken.
And that weekend me and Rebecca were downtown at Poor Boy Records and we saw Carla. I asked her about Todd and she said Color Green had been in Seattle meeting with Buzz Mitchell about their record contract. She told me an address and I wrote it down and thanked her and it was weird because when we went outside I felt relieved like that explained why I hadn’t seen him. And also I felt sort of free like I could walk down the street and I didn’t have to worry about what I was wearing every second or which corner Todd might be around. And it made me think that love was best when it was in your mind, when it was imaginings on a snowy day or doodled names in your notebook or dreaming in your bed at night. Except for sex of course, which was obviously the biggest part, once you figured it out.
20
My first letter to Todd Sparrow I wrote in my room and it was my life story and it was five pages long and it was so boring I threw it away. My next letter I wrote at school and it was about the music scene and all the news about Sins of Our Fathers and how Matthew was playing bass and making us tapes of Coma and bootleg Color Green shows. It had a long part where I admitted that I didn’t know that much about music except that I liked the energy of it and the weird people at Outer Limits and all the stuff Richard used to say about a new generation and teenagers having their own music. My third letter I wrote in the downtown library and I tried to sound like I did know about music and I mentioned obscure bands Matthew had talked about but then I thought Todd would see through it. So I dug out the second letter and recopied the parts about Cybil and Matthew but left out the stuff about how I didn’t know about music. Then I went to Scamp’s and wrote another part about how I hoped I wasn’t being weird but I sure liked hanging out with him and going to his house that time. And then I felt daring and I wrote how Carla had been so nice and how me and Rebecca thought she was such a bitch because we were afraid of her and how people always hate other people if they’re dressed cooler than them or if they’re artsy or pretentious or whatever. But then I crossed the Carla part out and recopied that page but then I decided to leave it in and I had to recopy it again. It took two frozen yogurts and three coffees to get it all done but I was so excited and I signed it “See you” and kissed every corner of every page. And then I ran down to the post office and kissed the envelope ten more times and drew some flowers on it and dropped it in. And the minute it fell through the slot I felt sick from nerves and caffeine and yogurt.
The next day at school me and Cybil had lunch at Taco Time, just the two of us, and we talked about Todd Sparrow and how with him you had to be honest because he could see right through any lies or games and how when you were with him you felt like anything could happen and how exciting it was. But also how vulnerable you were with him because he had all the power and you were in “his movie” and how only people like Carla could be equal to him because they had movies of their own.
· · ·
And I tried not to think about Todd but of course the whole reason I wrote to him was so he would write back. And every day after school no matter where we were going, Rebecca and I would stop by my house and look in the mailbox. And Rebecca was having a major crush on Matthew no
w and even Cybil was admitting he was cool. And since he broke his eardrum Matthew couldn’t take a shower and he looked so scruffy and when Mrs. Katz tried to say something he told her he had been assaulted in her lunchroom by one of her students and it wasn’t his fault he couldn’t take a shower, his doctor wouldn’t let him. And then during spring break Girl Patrol played at Outer Limits and Cybil and Matthew and Rebecca and I went. Matthew was so daring he just walked right into the dressing room and started talking to Girl Patrol. And it was so weird because I thought they were going to be these wild young girls but they were actually sort of old and beat-up looking. The drummer was fat and the singer looked really sickly and pale and afterward Matthew said she was on heroin.
And then on Monday it was raining and I went home and there was a letter in the kitchen and it said my name and it was from “T.S.” in Bellingham, Washington. I sat down and opened it and started reading. At first it was really nice and he was glad I wrote him because it was so boring where he was, which was not really in Seattle but in this boring suburb. And I was reading pretty fast to get to the part about me and I thought I found it but then I had to back up and it was about someone named Jessica. She was in another band that was rehearsing in the same studio and she was really talented and Todd liked her a lot but she was so hostile and competitive that it was turning into a disaster. And they were all stuck in this little town and she was ruining everything. And I started skimming really fast for parts about me but there were none. Except at the end where he said he wished more girls were like me, laid back and willing to let a good vibe develop and not immediately putting all men down like Jessica did. It was signed “See you soon” and when I got done I read it again and when I got to the part about Jessica I threw the paper on the floor and stomped it with my foot.
And then Sins of Our Fathers finally played again at Outer Limits. Everyone was there. It was the usual line-up with Pax on last but you could tell Sins of Our Fathers were getting the most attention from the crowd. And when they came out Cybil had this great miniskirt and a cardigan over a T-shirt that was cut off so you could see her bellybutton. It was very risque for Cybil and I knew right away that Sins of Our Fathers was going to be a different band with Matthew in it. And they were. They started off with Richard playing this little waltz on guitar and then they all started pounding this super heavy beat, really loud and hard and everyone started dancing instantly. And Cybil grabbed the mike and did this chant and it was:
We are all
Prostitutes
We are all
For sale
We are all
Pretty candy
We have all
Gone to hell
And then she turned back toward Greg and Matthew and they were totally getting into it and Richard was doing his little hopping thing and Matthew’s hair was flying all over and everyone was totally rocking out.
· · ·
After the first song I heard this boy tell his girlfriend that Sins of Our Fathers was the best band in Portland. And these other boys said, “That singer is so hot!” And then the next song was really smooth and fast and everyone went spinning around and dancing and going totally wild. And boys were moshing and girls too and it was this big swirl of people and me and Rebecca looked at each other and then we both ran right into the middle of it. And everyone fell down and we were getting kicked and smashed and falling over everyone and rolling on the floor and then we got up and we were dancing like crazy and whipping our hair around and it was the wildest time!
After Sins of Our Fathers were done Rebecca and I went out to the curb and drank some mineral water and everyone was talking about Sins of Our Fathers and how great they were. Nick Pax was sitting in the Pax van and telling people he didn’t want to follow Sins because they were too good. And then Cybil came out and she had this huge overcoat on and she was so hot and sweaty you could see the steam coming off her head. We were like, “Cybil, you were so good!” and we hugged her and we all sat on the curb and Cybil rested her chin on her knees and picked at her shoes and tried to ignore all the people that were staring at her.
Then Kevin showed up but he had missed Sins of Our Fathers and he was drunk. And then Pax played and they were good too but in their usual goofy way and not as intense and you could tell right away that people lost interest. That was really the difference because Thriftstore Apocalypse used to be goofy like that but Sins of Our Fathers sure weren’t. Because what people wanted was something intense and real and not just someone making a joke out of everything. But I still went in and Kevin was dancing around and I started dancing too. And then we started making out and he was pretty drunk and we fell over the front of the stage and Nick Pax dedicated a song to us. And then we went to Kevin’s car and made out and he put his hands in my panties and kissed my neck and he was making me really horny. He had a condom and we tried to do it but we couldn’t get a good position. So then I made him sit in the back seat and I straddled him and that worked, sort of, but it wasn’t that comfortable and it never really felt that good.
Driving home I told Rebecca what we did and she started scolding me for being a slut. But I said I still liked Kevin and we were friends and maybe he was my boyfriend since Todd Sparrow wasn’t around anymore. She said, “Did you really think Todd was going to be your boyfriend?” I said I didn’t know, how could I know? And she said I better be careful because I might be getting conceited. And when I got home my ears were ringing from the music and my dad was asleep in front of the TV and I was just about to sneak upstairs when my mom called me into her room. It was dark and she had stuff on her face and she looked so awful no wonder my dad slept on the couch. She asked me where I’d been and I told her about Cybil and how Sins of Our Fathers were getting really big and she was like, “Sins of Our Fathers is the name of a band?” I said yeah. She said that was a horrible name. I tried to explain they didn’t mean their real fathers, it was just an expression, but my mom shook her head and said how everyone blamed everything on their parents nowadays and didn’t we understand how hard they had tried? And then she asked me about college and if I was really serious about it because she couldn’t tell anymore when I was being sincere. I said I was serious about it because if I had to go to college I might as well go to a good one. She said I didn’t have to go. I said I wanted to but I didn’t sound very convincing. And then she asked me if I had a boyfriend and I told her about Kevin but she didn’t seem that interested and after a while she let me go.
· · ·
It was cold in my room and I took a shower and hid my underpants because they were all gross from sex. I got in my nightie and the wind was blowing outside and the window was rattling and I put on a tape and got deep under the covers. But then I couldn’t sleep because all these ideas were coming into my head, like I was a terrible person and conceited and a slut and I hadn’t even tried to help Darcy, who was anorexic and on speed. And everything in the world seemed like it was pressing down on me and I started to cry and I swore to be a better person and get interested in college and not smoke cigarettes and not have sex except if I really loved the person. And also not to wear eye shadow or go in the slamming pit or be insincere to my mother. But it seemed so hopeless because I had already changed so much and broken so many pacts and it just seemed like the older you got the more corrupt you became and really, if you thought about it, in terms of your morals and stuff: you were dying from the day you were born.
21
Then I turned seventeen. It was so de-pressing. I couldn’t even look at anyone. At school nobody cared because most of them had already turned. At home my mom made a cake and my dad was acting weird and trying to make eye contact. And all day I kept studying my face in the mirror and wondering if I would have jowls someday like Mrs. Schroeder. And everything old was bugging me like Lizzy Rosen’s grandpa who went on these pathetic walks to the corner that took him half the day. That night I took my Coma tape and sat outside on the steps with Brad’s Walkman and listened to i
t all the way through twice. And I knew my parents were wondering what my problem was and then my dad came out and stood over me and asked me what I was doing. I said nothing. He asked me if I was sad about my birthday or if it was something else and I couldn’t answer and I couldn’t look at him. So he sat down and said it was hard being my age and no matter what happened he still loved me. And mom too. And after a while he gave me a hug but even then he was holding back because I was seventeen and my breasts were touching him.
On Friday Cybil and Rebecca and I went to Monte Carlo. I was trying to be into it but mostly I just sat there in a daze. Then Matthew showed up and he flirted with Rebecca and later they went off somewhere to have sex. And then the next day Rebecca was being so aloof and she wouldn’t tell what happened but Cybil told her Matthew had one-night stands all the time and that broke Rebecca down pretty quick. And then later we went to Taco Time for lunch and Jerry Kruger was there and he was throwing ketchup packets at us and we waited for him to stop or go away but he wouldn’t and so we finally gave up and left.
After school I saw Richard in Mr. Perry’s office. He was sending off for stuff from MIT and we talked and then we went for frozen yogurt at Sunset Mall. And Richard was being so nice and cheering me up but then he started saying how bad he wanted to get out of Hillside and away from Portland and go back east and I was like, “What about Cybil? What about Sins of Our Fathers?” And he shrugged and said it was fun and that’s all a band was for and it didn’t matter anyway because Matthew was taking over and Cybil could stay with him if she wanted to keep going. And I knew that he and Cybil weren’t a couple in the traditional sense but the way he was talking made it sound like they weren’t together at all. And I wanted to ask him about it but it didn’t seem like it was any of my business which was weird because the whole fun of high school is that everything is supposed to be everybody’s business.