Girl

by Blake Nelson

  · · ·

  With Cybil gone I depended on Henry for my social life during spring vacation. I went down to the beach for a couple days to stay with his family at their beach cabin. It was warm for one day and we went on the beach but then it rained and we were all stuck inside, watching cable movies with his sister and playing Ping-Pong in the garage. And it was weird too because his parents didn’t think anything about their son hanging out with a senior. I guess they just assumed he was so wonderful or else they didn’t care because I was going to Wellington. Parents seemed to forgive you anything if you were going to a fancy college.

  And then spring vacation was over and on Monday everyone talked about their trips and stuff and they had forgotten about Sins of Our Fathers. But I hadn’t. The first thing I did was check Cybil’s locker. Then I went to the parking lot and looked for Matthew’s car or Greg’s station wagon. But there was no sign of them. And that night I called Cybil’s house and her mom sounded really weird and she didn’t know what Cybil’s plans were and she didn’t want to talk to me at all.

  Back at Hillsider on Tuesday everybody was getting nervous because college stuff was coming back. And then Amy Brubaker complained to Nathan that I kept making my columns into photo pieces and not writing anything. Which was true. So I sat down and tried this one idea that Cybil thought of, which was: the cycles of cool. Like a look will be totally cool when it’s first invented and only the coolest people will be into it. But then it will become totally uncool and the least cool people will be into it. Like punk rock was really cool in the eighties but now the only people into punk were skinheads and street kids. And then a look will come back into style like hippies and Deadheads even though for a while those people were the bums and street people. The only problem was I couldn’t really remember the other parts of the theory without Cybil there and it seemed like it contradicted my other column about people choosing one of the retro looks.

  I was getting frustrated so I walked down to the field where Henry was taking pictures of the track team, but Bridget Cole was talking to him and probably working on her plan for total Hillside domination. And I already felt faced by her because it was obvious she had studied me and found me lacking. So I went back to the Hillsider offices and got my stuff and walked across the street to Taco Time where I tried to remember the cycles of cool and just got more mixed up and depressed. And I realized the whole thing about fashion or writing about fashion or even thinking about fashion was confidence. You had to be confident and other people had to have confidence in you. Because it was all about intimidation and having the nerve to pull things off and daring to say, “This is cool and this is not.” Fashion was sports for girls and that’s why Cybil was so good at it because she was always confident and she always wanted to compete and she always won.

  On Wednesday there was still no sign of Matthew or Cybil. And during lunch I saw Little Greg, the freshman who always dyed his hair, and for a second I thought it was real Greg and I jumped up but of course it wasn’t. And at the Hillsider offices more letters from colleges had come. Amy Brubaker got into Smith and it was so bogus because the minute she heard, she started acting so nice to everyone but people were suspicious and said she was patronizing and it was kind of a face on her.

  All day Thursday I looked for Cybil, I was really missing her. And I tried to write my column but once I got frustrated I couldn’t write anything. So then Henry drove me to HOP! and some other thriftstores to try to inspire me. After that we had coffee at Zoso and I tried to write and then Carla walked in. She was with another girl who sort of sneered at us but Carla was nice and we talked about Sins of Our Fathers and why it was taking so long and she hadn’t heard anything and I hadn’t heard anything. And just talking to her reminded me that making a record was a pretty big deal and Sins of Our Fathers probably weren’t worrying about missing a couple school days.

  Then on Friday Greg showed up at school. I saw him at his locker during first period and I immediately ran over to Cybil’s locker but it hadn’t been touched. So I ran to the parking lot but I didn’t see Matthew or Cybil’s car and I asked Betsy Warren if Matthew was back and she said she hadn’t seen him. So I waited around Greg’s locker and the minute he saw me he looked like he was going to cry. I went up to him and I was like, “Greg, where is everybody?” He tried to ignore me and he opened his locker and I said, “Greg, where is Cybil?” Finally he shrugged and said, “How would I know? Up in Seattle. Making their big record. Making Matthew’s big record.”

  I took Greg to Taco Time for lunch. I fed him coffee and ice cream sundaes while he cried and told me what happened. They had worked for three days and it wasn’t going well and then Buzz Mitchell showed up and fired the producer and got this other guy Nick Venn who was really famous and produced Color Green and all the big new bands. And the first thing Nick Venn said was to get a drummer who could keep the beat. Matthew said okay but Cybil and Fiona defended Greg but Matthew won and Nick got another drummer. And they told Greg he was still in the band but for the record they were going to use the other guy. But then after a couple days the other guy told Matthew he wanted to be in Sins and Matthew told Greg he was out. And when Greg went to Fiona and Cybil they said there was nothing they could do.

  And I got scared as Greg told me this because I remembered how he thought he was going to be famous and have his own studio and everything. And you could see this terrible confusion in his face and he kept mumbling about keeping the beat and how he could keep the beat, he really could, and didn’t I think he could keep the beat? I said I always thought he was a good drummer but then what did I know about drums?

  37

  So that’s where Cybil was. The last survivor of Bed Head, Thriftstore Apocalypse, and the original Sins of Our Fathers. I didn’t know what to think. On Saturday I drove by Cybil’s and then Matthew’s but neither was home. Monday I had this strange feeling they would show up. They didn’t. On Tuesday I saw Mrs. Katz talking to Greg in the hall and I went over to listen and they were talking about Cybil and Matthew and Mrs. Katz said that she wasn’t responsible because Cybil was eighteen and Matthew was so close that by the time they dragged him back he would be. So they were free. No one was waiting for them to come back. No one except me.

  · · ·

  And then Greg’s story got to Hillsider and everyone talked about it and Amy Brubaker said that obviously Sins of Our Fathers was no longer Hillside news if they didn’t go to school here anymore. Nathan asked me about Greg and if they should do an article about him and I said that Greg was really freaked out and they should leave him alone. But Amy just scoffed and Nathan said it couldn’t hurt to ask and then I got mad and said they didn’t know what they were dealing with and this wasn’t some stupid swim meet or food drive and if they were smart they’d stay as far away from Greg as they could get.

  And I guess I was right because the next day word went around that Greg had fallen asleep at the wheel of his station wagon and went off the road and got a concussion and a broken leg. In a way I was relieved because maybe it would shock him out of his depression. But then after lunch a new rumor went around that he was in Intensive Care at the hospital and he had taken a bunch of his mom’s tranquilizers and he hadn’t fallen asleep at the wheel, he had blacked out. And it was so weird because they called me into Mrs. Katz’s office to talk to this counselor guy because Greg didn’t have any other friends. And it was so horrible because the counselor guy was creepy and it was all secret and like an interrogation about what I knew and they wouldn’t even tell me if Greg was okay or what had really happened. So after school I got Henry and we drove to the hospital and went in and they wouldn’t let us anywhere near him. And they wouldn’t tell us anything. And when I finally went home my parents asked me about it and I tried to explain what happened and how he got kicked out of the band. But they couldn’t believe that being a drummer in a band in high school was that big of a deal. And I got so mad and said Sins of Our Fathers have lawyers, they hav
e managers, they’re in the paper in Seattle, and it’s a huge deal. But my mom just said she hated the name Sins of Our Fathers and how people should take responsibility for themselves and stop blaming everything on their parents.

  The next day was the same. Nobody knew anything. And the teachers were all being really weird and pretending everything was okay. And then at Hillsider there was a big argument about if they should write about Greg’s accident and if they should mention that he had been kicked out of the band. Which was a pointless argument since Mrs. Schroeder would never let them print anything about it.

  Later I went with Henry to Taco Time and I just missed Cybil so much. I just wanted to see her and talk to her about everything and I was so scared she was going to vanish up into the spotlights and I would be left down in the horrible real world. And I told Henry the whole history of Greg and the band and how Greg thought everyone talked about him and how he was going to have a studio in his basement and all these other bands were going to record there. And then I remembered when he and Cybil had matching shaved heads and I started crying and Henry came and sat with me on my side and put his arm around me. And I swear he must have grown a lot because all of a sudden he was taller than me and his arm fit over me perfectly.

  On Friday morning it had been almost three weeks since they left and Matthew and Cybil’s cars were still not in the parking lot. And when I walked into senior hall I could tell something was wrong. People were acting weird and avoiding me and one girl almost dropped her books when I walked past. Then I saw Mrs. Schroeder. She was standing by my locker. She tried to smile as I approached and then she told me that Greg had brain damage and he was a vegetable. My knees collapsed and she tried to hold me up and then a boy helped me into a classroom where I could sit down. And I tried to focus my eyes and there were all these people standing around me and I looked up at them like, What are you staring at? Mrs. Schroeder shooed them away and I tried to stand up but I was too wobbly. And I was trying so hard not to cry but I couldn’t help it and Mrs. Schroeder gave me tissues but something about her just made me furious and I wouldn’t let her touch me.

  Saturday was my eighteenth birthday. I ate some cake with my parents and then I got on the phone. I was looking for Carla. I called where she used to live but it was disconnected. I didn’t know what else to do so I started calling places and asking if she was there. I called Monte Carlo. I called Zoso. I called HOP! Most people were nice but the woman at HOP! started whining about their phone being for business use only and I told her to shut up and I hung up on her. Finally the guy at Poor Boy Records knew her new roommate and gave me the number. I called it and she was there and I was so relieved to hear her voice. And I told her the whole story and then I said I wanted to call Cybil in Seattle because she probably didn’t even know. Carla thought that was a good idea but she didn’t know how to contact them except to try Tori or Buzz Mitchell or maybe call the studio. And I guess another reason I had called Carla was to see what she thought about Greg and see how she reacted but she didn’t seem that upset. Finally I said, “Isn’t it sad though, about Greg?” She was like, “Yeah, I guess.” I said, “He was such a nice guy.” She said, “Was he? I never really noticed him.” And that seemed so cold and I wanted to say, Yes, he was! but I didn’t. And then I called Cybil’s house and got an answering machine and then I tried Matthew and got his mom, who didn’t seem to know about Greg and I sure wasn’t going to tell her.

  · · ·

  That night it was still my birthday so Henry came over and we went to Scamp’s but I didn’t feel like frozen yogurt. So we just drove around for a while and it was Saturday night and everyone was cruising downtown and partying and blasting their car stereos. Then we went to the twenty-four-hour McDonald’s on the East Side and drank coffee and watched everybody run around in the parking lot. And then in the bathroom I saw these two girls who were obviously best friends and they were doing lipstick and talking about their dates and that’s when I decided to go to Seattle.

  When I got home I asked my parents if I could have the car to drive to Seattle and they were immediately suspicious. Like where was I going and why and what was I going to do? I said I was going to find Cybil and my mother was immediately against it. So I said, “Fine, I’ll take the train,” and this University of Washington student had almost been raped on the train the week before, so I had them. So then my dad made all these conditions like what I had to do and when I had to be back and I agreed to everything and I didn’t even hear what he said.

  That night I had a dream my whole high school was on a train going to New York City and we got there and we ran around and it was so fun. And Greg was there and Cybil and Richard Kirn and Mrs. Schroeder and we went to the Empire State Building and rode in taxis and walked up and down the sunny streets. But then I woke up and I was back in my room in Sunset Park and it was gray and dismal outside and I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. So I got up and put a sweater in my old camp pack and made myself a sandwich. And my mom was already up and drinking coffee and for once she didn’t bug me. She asked me if I had everything. And then she told me to be careful and kissed me and I got in her Honda Civic and I left.

  · · ·

  I felt better once I got going. It was raining and I had the windshield wipers on and there wasn’t much traffic. I drove by the Methodist church on Shelby Road and people were dressed up and running through the rain to the entrance. And on the freeway I looked around at the other people driving and it was a lot of Dads in pickups and families in Sunday clothes. And as I circled the city I could see bums sitting under the overpasses and people on top walking with their umbrellas. And then I passed through the North Side suburbs where Carlton Tech was and I could see their yards and the backs of their houses. And then I crossed the Columbia River which was huge and still and there was a big barge of logs going beneath the bridge. And then I was in Washington State, which was just trees and highway for as far as you could see and that’s when I realized I forgot to bring tapes.

  When I got to Seattle the sun was just breaking through the clouds. It was quite beautiful and I swear Portland doesn’t feel like it’s anywhere, but Seattle really feels like it’s in the top left-hand corner of the whole country. I passed Boeing and then the Kingdome and then I could see the bay and the ocean and I imagined Japan out there somewhere. But then I was in the city and things got complicated with all these weird exit ramps and expressways and stuff. I found a sign to the university and I got off and found my way to the coffee shop strip. I parked by a magazine store and got a copy of Rock City. I called their offices and told them I was looking for the studio where Sins of Our Fathers were making their record with Buzz Mitchell. They gave me the phone number. So I called the studio and some guy answered and he didn’t know anything so he gave me Buzz Mitchell’s home phone number. That was pretty scary but I called it and he was asleep and really grumpy and pretentious-sounding. I said I was Cybil’s friend from Portland and I had brought her some stuff but she didn’t know I was coming that day and where was she? He said, “Katrina’s.” I said, “Where’s that?” He didn’t know. And just by his voice I knew I had to be pushy so I started whining about how I was only here for the day and how pissed Cybil would be if she didn’t get this stuff. And he was sort of laughing at me and then he said, “Just a second,” and then someone else got on the phone and they gave me directions.

  38

  Katrina’s neighborhood was closer to downtown but not nearly as nice as around the university. The streets were full of potholes and there were no curbs and the lawns were all weedy and dead. Katrina’s house was at the end of the block. It was old and weather-beaten. I parked and looked around and wondered if the Honda would be safe. But of course it would. I got out. I took a deep breath and walked across the driveway to the door. There were three different locks and I knocked and I could hear a TV inside and no one answered so I knocked louder. Then the locks started coming undone and the door opened and it was dark in
side and a man looked out at me. He had long jet-black hair and the whitest, palest skin I had ever seen. And at first he wasn’t really paying attention but when he saw how normal I looked he got suspicious. And I realized I should have dressed cooler to visit Cybil. Even under these strange circumstances.

  “Is Cybil here?” I said, “Or Katrina?” He just looked at me and then I heard a voice behind him and footsteps coming toward us and then the door opened more and it was a woman. She looked like the man. Really pale. And she had this huge rat’s nest hairdo of red and brown and black hair and her face was pretty but with no makeup and really hard-looking and sort of mean. And she wore a T-shirt with no bra and her breasts were swinging around in her shirt and I was scared like maybe they were having sex or maybe it was the wrong house. And it was so dark inside. And I could hear a TV in the background. It sounded like cartoons.

  “Who’s looking for Katrina?” said the woman. The man nodded toward me. He was smiling now. But she wasn’t. She asked me who I was and what did I want. I said I was Andrea Marr and I was looking for Cybil because I had to tell her something. She seemed unimpressed so I kept talking. I said I was from Portland and me and Cybil were friends from high school and I had to tell her about this other friend of ours and I was just visiting for the day and that Buzz Mitchell told me to come here. The woman looked me up and down and said, “Buzz Mitchell, that dick.” And then I remembered who Katrina was. She was the one who fought Todd when he tried to marry Tori. She was the crazy lesbian.

  But then she smiled at me. I guess because of how pathetic I was. She said Cybil was upstairs resting and if she was asleep she wasn’t going to wake her up. I didn’t know what to say. Then she went upstairs to see and the man invited me in. It was dark inside and it smelled like incense or mold or maybe pot. And I could see into the kitchen and there was a cat licking something out of a frying pan. The man went into the living room where the TV was and sat down on the couch. I followed him and I got the feeling he would have been nice to me but he was afraid to because of the woman. So I just stood there and listened to Katrina’s footsteps going across the ceiling. And then the man lit a cigarette and offered me one and I said no thanks but I tried to smile and not seem too prissy.