by S. N. Garza
“She’s just….she went to lunch with that guy.”
“Who?”
“Philip Lawe.”
“And?” Johnny’s voice sounded irritated.
“And? Hello, she went to lunch with him.”
Johnny sighed and shook his head. “You’re going to go off the deep end. After the shit that went down in Arizona, Deke, you have to give her some time.”
“I’m not sure that’s the smartest thing. Johnny. I’ve waited long enough.”
He got up and didn’t say a word as he walked out. It was true. I waited for her for so long. And if she had never come back to Lilton? Then maybe. Hell, I don’t think I would have moved on either way but she was back now. It was time I showed her I could be the man she deserved. Wanted. Needed. Loved. Still loved.
I knew her mother wouldn’t have a problem. I was the one who helped her move out of their house and into the one they are living in now. My dad had volunteered and we were able to get her all belongings in one trip.
Dad. Four years sober. Sometimes I couldn’t believe it was possible but he said someone finally got through the fog and told him what he was really missing. Didn’t he see me growing up? Shouldn’t that have been enough to make him realize what he was throwing away? The way he had treated me and beat me? But ever since he became sober, he’s been trying really hard. Even got a job at the Romoth factory. Our relationship wasn’t the best, but we were working on it. He was trying and that was good enough for me.
When I helped Paige move into her place months ago, and dad had left to go to work, she had made me stay for lunch. She loved feeding me. Why? I don’t know, but I ended up confessing everything. I left out the more…detailed aspects, but I told her we had been intimate and how I was a dick to her daughter each time so she’d go back to Arizona and live her life. Paige laughed and said that she thought it was sweet of me to put Penelope first but that maybe I should have talked to Penelope about it. Get her opinion. Well, I knew what her opinion would have been years before. If I had wanted her to stay, I would have made sure she stayed. But the opportunity to get out of Lilton was too great for her to stay here.
I knew what I wanted back then; what I wanted since I rescued her that fall day ten years ago. Now she was home, had a place, a career, even if it wasn’t the one she had thought she’d have. Her moving back home was my sign. I wasn’t going to let her go. No one was going to keep her from me. Might sound creepy but it wasn’t. Not really.
After the night was over, I went home and walked into my house, which was only seven houses down from the Handleman women. When I closed the house, it had been perfect for my needs. The previous owner had a greenhouse out back which I was able to turn into my art studio. The way I was feeling, I sure as hell wasn’t about to get any damn sleep soon. I didn’t bother showering just yet and went straight out the back door and to the studio.
My bigger pieces, I used canvases and paints, but I sat at my drafting table, took out a clean sketch paper and began drawing the only thing I’ve ever felt like sketching. Looking around the studio it was clear who that was. It made me wonder what she would think about all this. She was the only subject I ever seemed to focus on when I drew. Various artworks of the last eight years. Since she was fifteen and every memorable time of our lives and not so memorable since then. I had sketchpads upon sketchpads of nothing but her. Sleeping, laughing, practicing her flute, doing her homework, cooking.
I caught everything. Every range of emotion.
Maybe one day, she’ll know just how much I love her.
Chapter 31
Penelope
I was able to avoid Deke all week. I stayed inside, ignored the world outside. I was so lame. That was until this morning. I was woken up by this loud hair raising sound in the back yard. I flew straight up in bed from the sound.
What the hell was going on? I reached over on the nightstand, grabbed my glasses and shuffled them on. I looked at the clock. Seven in the morning? Why was mom mowing the lawn so damn early?
I got out of bed and went straight to the kitchen to see not only Dessa, but my mother looking out the kitchen window with looks of admiration dazing their eyes.
“What the hell is going on? Who’s back there?”
They both turned their heads to me and Dessa giggled before grabbing her coffee mug. “Some really good eye candy. Bye, Paige. I’m off to work, ladies. Have a great morning.” She winked at me and left the house.
“Mom? Who’s mowing our lawn at this God awful hour?”
“Deke.”
My knees weakened and if I hadn’t had the counter behind me, I probably would have fallen on my ass.
“Deke? What the hell is he doing here? I could have mowed the yard, mom.”
“He comes here twice a month and does some yard work for me. Since he lives only seven houses down—
“He lives only seven houses down from here?”
How am I going to live with him coming over like this and just…being all manly and shit?
“I didn’t know he lived that close.”
“Yup. Well, I have some errands to run.”
“What?”
Where did she think she was going? She wasn’t leaving me here with him. Not all by myself.
“Be a good girl and bring him something to drink. Or better yet, make him some breakfast. I usually make him eggs, bacon and toast.”
“Uh, I don’t think so. I’m going back to bed.”
My mother came right up to me, cupped my shoulders and said, “You’re going to have to face him sometime. Penny dear, I know everything he did to you. Maybe there’s a deeper reason behind that, yeah? He’s really a sweet boy. A good man. And Penelope, he needs you.”
Tears bubbled up in my eyes. He told her everything he did? Everything we did?
“You know we had—,” I circled my fingers together already feeling awkward at the turn of this conversation.
Giggling, yes giggling, my mother said, “Yes. And although I don’t know the nitty-gritty details, I know how much of an asshole he was to you. But just maybe he had a reason for pushing you away.”
“Mother, he fucked me and then made me feel like shit. Each and every time and I’m not going to play the easy lay for him just because of some fucked up notion he has of trying to—what? Push me away? He doesn’t get to treat me like some whore and then think just because I move back home he can try and sweep me off my feet. He’s already swept so far underneath a rug that I don’t know where I stand anymore. You have no idea how hurtful he’s been to me. I gave him everything and he ripped it away like I was just some worthless thing that he has to hurry and get rid of. And I hate him. I want nothing to do with him.”
By then tears were boiling over my eyes and my mother looked contrite.
Then a throat clearing made us both whip our heads to the pantry room where Deke stood, his eyes filled with its own set of pain and hurt. I couldn’t help the tears that fell from my eyes anymore.
“Penelope.” His voice was hoarse and deep and it broke me.
I turned and ran to my room, this heavy weight pulling on my heart. He’s been such a dick to me. And my mom was on his side? Rooting for us to actually be together?
I fell to my knees beside my bed and threw my arms across the top and I let it out. I should hate him. I wanted to. But something inside my heart just wouldn’t allow it. I say it to his face, but I knew deep down, he was still my everything.
Why was she taking up for him? She was my mother. There was no way he was going to come into my life and try and take control of me. Of my heart. It wasn’t his anymore. Maybe when I was eighteen. Maybe even when I was twenty and I came home for Christmas but there was only so much heartbreak I could take.
I didn’t like that feeling. I didn’t want to feel broken anymore.
A gasp escaped my lips when strong, warm arms wrapped around me and then I couldn’t contain it anymore. I sobbed even harder.
“Why are you here?”
I shook my head. No, I didn’t need him. How many times do I have to be hurt because of this man?
I tried shoving him away but his hold on me was strong and firm. I tried again but only managed to push him down onto his behind, with me firmly in his embrace. I was in the vee of his legs with my hands covering my face as tears streamed down my face.
“Penelope, babygirl, please.”
“You hurt me, Deke. Hurt me like no one has ever been able to do and you want me to just forgive you like the past six years didn’t happen?”
He cuddled me even closer and was it wrong of me to feel so good in his arms? How was it that this man made me feel so much and want even more when I knew only devastation laid in his wake? I didn’t want to hurt anymore.
“I don’t expect you to, baby. At least, not this soon. But please, Penelope. Let me make it up to you. Just…please.”
“Deke, you really hurt me.”
“Then I’m praying, begging, and pleading you to give me time to heal all the damage I’ve done to you. We can take it as slow as you want. But please, don’t shut me out. I was an ass to you when you were eighteen—
“And twenty, twenty-one, and last year.”
“Penelope. I didn’t do anything with Vera when you were here for Christmas. She went to SoIn, hoping we could hook up, but I told her no. I wanted nothing to do with her. That and the fact that she was married, well, I don’t fuck married women.”
“I was almost a married woman.”
“Almost being the most important word in that sentence, babygirl. And I know that didn’t end how I wanted it to either and I am so sorry for what that scumbag did to you.”
The sobs were fading and my body just felt depleted. I knew my face was swollen from crying and my eyes were probably red and puffy. Ugh. I hated crying. Only Deke had that effect on me. He could drive me crazy, bring me to dizzying heights of passion and make me feel like a leaky pipe bursting until I balled my eyes out.
“I’m so tired of feeling like this. I don’t want to hurt anymore.”
His arms went underneath me, and in one swift movement was standing, me in his arms. He walked the few feet to my bed and sat down, cradling me in his lap.
“Look at me, baby.”
I felt too weak and vulnerable in front of him so I kept my face downcast. Then the crook of his finger hooked under my chin, bringing me around to look at him.
“Penelope, I hope one day you can forgive me. I’m not asking for it anytime soon, but I want you. I need you, Penelope. Let me show you I can be the man that deserves a woman like you. Let me show you I can be a good man. Even if that means taking it slow and giving you time. I just don’t want some man coming in and wooing you.”
“Deke. One, I don’t like being put on the spot. Two. I’m pretty sure I don’t want any man…right now. Three. I’ve never really been wooed so, I don’t know.” I shrugged my shoulders, not really knowing how to respond to his request.
“What about Lawe?”
“Philip? Deke, he rescued me from Jimmy and his obvious come on. That’s it. We went to lunch and after you barged in and I went to confront you—
“And to smack the shit out of me?”
“Yeah. That.” I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Nothing I didn’t deserve, baby. I know it was highhanded, well deserved and had it coming.”
“Yes, it was, Deke. But I’m sure he doesn’t see me as a girl he can pick up. He definitely has a thing for Trixie. So you have nothing to worry about.”
“May I then?”
“May you what?”
“May I court you? I want you to give this a shot. Give the possibility of us a shot. I’ll beg if I have to.”
I looked deep into his steel grey eyes and I saw nothing but sincerity and hope. It was that hope that made me want to give him a chance. Would I regret it? I hope not. Or else I just really might have to strangle him.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, prayed for the best and then I looked up at him with as much authority as possible, said, “Do not hurt me again. I won’t survive it a fifth time.”
That sounded even pathetic to my own ears. Four times he’s hurt me and I just can’t seem to say no to him. I told him the truth when I said I was weak for him. He had been my best friend. The first real person who knew me beyond myself.
And because I wanted my happy ending to be with him. I always have.
“I swear it, Penelope.”
I let my body relax, and that’s when I remembered, he was sticky and sweaty from working outside.
“You’re all dirty. Let me get up and get you something to drink and eat. I need to get dressed.”
I stood up and his hands went to my hips, bringing me into the vee of his legs once again. He leaned forward and laid his head between the valley of my breasts.
“Thank you.” Then unexpectedly, he wrapped his arms around the rest of me and held me close. “I won’t let you down. I know I didn’t make it easy to love me, but thank you for giving me a chance. That’s all I ask. I’ll take it as slow as you need.”
And because it felt normal and right, I wrapped my arms around him and hugged back.
“Alright. Come on. You must be parched from working so hard. And who in the world told you to come over so early? You know it should be a crime.”
He chuckled and released me, standing up and towering over me. He slid his hand into mine, threading his rough fingers through my much softer ones and reached around me, opening the door.
He kept his hand in mine until we got to the kitchen. I cooked us up some food while he went outside to put away the lawnmower. By the time he came back in, food was on the table. We only made small conversation during the meal. Watching Deke tunnel his food was like he swallowed it without tasting.
“Taste okay?”
He had a mouth full of pancakes when one side of his mouth tilted up and a small red flush creeped up his neck. He nodded and swallowed the mouthful.
“Delicious. As always. You’ve always been an amazing cook.”
I blushed at that and ducked my head, whispering, “Thanks.”
He went back to shoveling his breakfast until he was scraping his plate with a slice of toast. He gulped down his orange juice and just watching him, gosh. He really was so incredibly good looking. His eyes opened and he looked down to see me staring at him. He kept his molten stare on me until the glass was empty.
He sighed and set the glass back down. Deke’s eyes stayed steady on mine and I got lost. I loved looking at him. I always had. Sometimes I wondered what attracted me to him. He was such an enigma. He kept so much to himself. He never really talked to me about a lot of things. Not even when we were kids. He listened to me and comforted me but he never really let me comfort him. Why couldn’t I have been attracted to someone else?
“Penelope?”
I shook my head and focused back on the man in front of me.
“Sorry. Woolgathering. What did you say?”
“What are you plans for the day?’ Then he got up and took our plates to the dish sink.
“I can clean up, Deke. You did the yard.”
“Nope. You cook, I clean.”
“Deke.”
“Deal with it, Penelope. Now what do you have to do today?”
“Well I’ve been avoiding it all week, but I want to go to my dad’s and get the rest of my belongings.”
The plate he was washing clattered to the floor. Luckily it was plastic, so it didn’t break.
“You’re going to go to the house? Alone? I don’t think so.” The rage in his voice was palpable and I didn’t get why he was so angry at the thought.
“What? Why are you so angry? Mom said there was just a few things. Clothes in my closet; a few boxes of photos, keepsakes, etc. I need to see dad anyway.”
“Not by yourself.”
“I can deal with my dad, Deke.”
“Na-uh. I’ll come with you. Just let
me finish this and then we can go.”
“There’s no way to talk to you out of this, is there?”
“Nope.”
Then he went back to the dishes. I rolled my eyes and said, “Fine. I’m going to shower and get ready.”
He turned and looked over my body with a stare that was so hot I felt it all the way down to my core. Burning with need, his tongue darted out and licked over his lips and my body couldn’t help but respond. My nipples hardened and of course, that’s where his eyes skirted to because I wasn’t wearing a bra. His hands fisted over the sink, deep in need of controlling himself.
“I’m going to—yeah,” his eyes darkened, and instead of coming to me like I knew he desperately wanted to, he let out a heavy breath and walked out the back door.
I just turned and went to the shower. He had me in the palm of his hand, didn’t he? He said he’s changed. But I don’t know. He took me on a roller coaster each time I saw him and derailed me, each and every time. I didn’t want to start something to only have my heart broken. Picking up the pieces might not be survivable this time. But just like always, my balance was off kilter, desperate for more of him.
Chapter 32
Deke
She was giving me another chance. When I overheard her and her mom talking about me, I knew it was a subject Penelope hadn’t wanted to discuss. Paige had good intentions, but she pushed her just a little too much. Her mother had looked at me with this look of utter defeat as Penelope ran to her room. I told her I’d handle the situation. Her mom had tears in her eyes and tried apologizing, but I shook my head and said not to worry. Penny wasn’t going to forgive me overnight. I knew that. I didn’t expect her to.
I just wanted a chance to show her I wasn’t the dick she thought I was. Before, well…I wanted her to experience life away from this shithole. To pursue her dreams. Not that I wanted her to leave me, but that was life. That had been to make sure she went back to Arizona and pursued her dreams. Until that last time. The only thing I regretted was the harsh words. I wanted her any way I could have her.