Anyway, I don’t expect to recognize any food but rice, and I am worried about being around a lot of Asian people.
116
Dear Penny,
The drive to the Asian Market was terrible. It felt like it took forever to get there. At one point we stopped at a red light. I looked into the car stopped next to us and saw a little boy who was my age. His head was pressed against the window, and he was staring up at the sky. Next to him was the man driving, and he looked like the little boy—just bigger. The man was screaming at the boy. He was angry and kept hitting the boy in the shoulder. The boy just kept looking up to the sky. What if someone like that man would have adopted me?
Right as the light turned green, the boy looked straight at me. His eyes were empty. I don’t know what he saw in my eyes.
The Asian market was much bigger than I thought it would be. It had Japanese food, Korean food, Chinese food, and all different Asian countries that I never heard of before.
And there were a lot of Asian people. It was easier than I thought it would be. People were speaking a lot of different Asian languages. I couldn’t understand what anyone was saying and I wasn’t too bothered by that. That was good because I was worried about how I would feel about the talking. What did bother me is that it was so obvious that Ellie and I didn’t match Wanna. If I walked in there without Wanna, then it would be so much easier. I wish Wanna would have stayed in the car and handed me the money to buy stuff. I felt like people stared at us because we don’t match. Lots of people asked us where we were from and where were we born. People congratulated Wanna, and Wanna said yes, she was very lucky to have us as her children. It was so uncomfortable. Some people didn’t say anything to us, but just gave us the thumbs up sign. That was weird because after I was adopted, people did that to us in China too.
We bought some food to try for cooking another Chinese meal. People looked happy to help us.
There was one great thing that happened, and you won’t even believe it…
Remember the Nanny that I loved? Sometimes she would sneak me this little jelly candy in a tiny cup. It came in different colors and flavors. I couldn’t believe it—the Asian market had my Nanny’s special candy.
When I saw it, I started jumping up and down. I couldn’t control myself.
Wanna and Ellie jumped up and down with me—I guess they had never seen me so happy before and it made them really excited. Wanna bought a huge bag of jelly candy in a cup. I said thank you.
Ellie begged Wanna to buy her all of the toy things they had in the gift section. I liked that stuff too, but I stayed quiet and held my candy bag.
117
Dear Penny,
Sitka came with us to the lake again today. I gave Sitka one of my Chinese jelly candies. She said it was great and called the candy very cool.
It wasn’t hot enough to swim but warm enough to wear shorts. I have these new blue shorts with big white polka dots. Sitka said that she loved my shorts and was going to ask her parents to get her a pair too so we could match. I asked her why she wanted to do that, and she said it was some kind of friendship thing that girls do—they wear matching clothes to show that they are best friends. I didn’t know that we were best friends, but I am ok with it. I guess that means that she has forgiven me for hitting Ellie.
We helped Ellie make a sand castle and then we took Angel Bones for a walk on the beach. She is doing really well now on the leash. I have been working with her. She doesn’t even really need the leash anymore. She will walk with me everywhere I go, and she doesn’t ever try to run away. But the lake beach has rules, and one of them is that your dog needs to be on a leash.
On our walk I told Sitka about what happened with Levi. She couldn’t believe it and kept saying—
No way! No way! Get out!
She told me I needed to be careful with boys and I asked her why. She said because—
They will play you.
I asked her what she meant by ‘play me’ and she said—
You know, An-Ya, they will play with your emotions.
I asked Sitka why she thought Levi would play me, and she said because he might want to touch my boobs. I told her she was crazy because I barely even have boobs for him to touch.
118
Dear Penny,
Ellie’s birthday is soon and she is really excited about it. Of course, she wants balloons. She said she wanted them to all be pink, except for one that should be yellow and one that should be blue. Wanna asked her why she chose those colors, and she said that the pink ones were for her, the blue one was for me, and the yellow one was so the party would be sunny.
What is so great about balloons anyway? I don’t get it.
In the orphanage everybody liked balloons. The kids made such a big deal about them—even Abby. They would blow them up and toss them around and then untie them and take the air out and use them all over again until finally they would tear or pop.
The Mean Boy was always trying to break other people’s balloons with his marching band stick. One time he popped Abby’s balloon, and she cried for the longest time. She didn’t usually cry very much, hardly ever, but she cried for hours over that stupid balloon.
119
Dear Penny,
It is late and I want to go to sleep, but my brain can’t get Levi’s face out of my head. Do you think that he is thinking about me? Probably not. He probably didn’t mean anything by holding my hand. It was probably no big deal to him. I wish it wasn’t such a big deal to me.
Sitka asked me today if Levi was my boyfriend. I said no. She told me that I was lying and that I shouldn’t lie to my best friend. So I admitted that I hoped that he would be my boyfriend someday, but really I didn’t have any idea what we were or if there even was a ‘we’.
Honestly, I don’t even know what happens when you have a boyfriend. I asked Sitka what boyfriends and girlfriends do and she said write love letters and poems to each other and stuff. Maybe I should start practicing writing poetry? Wanna has some poetry books. I guess I could study those.
120
Dear Penny,
I have news, but it is not all good.
Wanna came into my room today. I was trying to braid my hair. My hair is longer, but I can’t braid it yet without the braid sticking straight out from my head.
Wanna asked me to sit down on my bed with her and have a talk.
I didn’t know what she wanted to talk about. She was holding a map and a piece of paper.
She said—
I have news for you about Abby…about Ye- Bi.
I wanted to be excited, but Wanna didn’t look excited. She looked concerned.
I said—
What is wrong? Did something happen to her?
Wanna said—
No, nothing happened to her. She is fine, An-Ya. She is completely fine.
I said—
Then what is it? What are you looking at me like that?
And she said—
An-Ya, I really wanted finding Abby to be a wonderful experience for you, and I tried to make that happen. It didn’t turn out exactly as I had hoped…but, I did find her and she is ok. She was adopted by a family in Canada.
And then Wanna showed me the map of North America. She pointed to where we are on the map and where Abby was in Canada. Abby is above us. Up higher. I stared at the map and waited for Wanna to tell me the part that went wrong.
It felt like we stared at the map for a long time in silence. When Wanna finally spoke again, it surprised me.
She said—
I found the family’s address and wrote them a letter and sent them your picture. How I found them is a little complicated—but I did find them and wrote to them right away. Today I received a letter back.
Wanna looked at me and looked back at the paper she was holding. I couldn’t imagine what the problem could be?
She said—
Her parents let me know that Abby is well. Her name is no longer Ye-Bi. They didn’t say wh
at her new name was, only that she has one. They said that she was happy now, but she was very unhappy when she was first adopted. The parents are very concerned about bringing back bad memories.
They showed Abby your picture.
Wanna stopped talking and looked at me with watery eyes. I was afraid to listen to what she said next. I put my head down so I didn’t have to look at Wanna.
And then she continued—
An-Ya, when Abby saw your photos, she began to cry. Her parents couldn’t soothe her. She rubbed the picture with her hands and was sad for a very long time. Her parents feel that it would be best for Abby if we no longer contact them. They want to put Abby’s past behind her, and they feel that continued contact will only upset her.
Wanna put her hand on my shoulder, and I looked up and said—
How can they do that? How can they pretend that her life in China didn’t exist? How can they erase me?
Wanna rubbed my shoulder and said she was so sorry over and over again. I wasn’t sure if her hand was shaking or my shoulder was shaking, but I couldn’t make my body still.
121
Dear Penny,
I forgot to tell you that after Wanna told me about Abby, she left my room and told me to wait just a minute for her to return. I sat on my bed and continued to shake even after she lifted her hand from my shoulder. I waited, but I didn’t know what I was waiting for. When she returned, she handed me a photo.
It was Abby.
Her parents were erasing me from Abby’s life, but they decided to send me a photo. None of it made sense.
Abby was riding a purple tricycle. She was wearing sunglasses and smiling. She was wearing a dress. It was so strange to see her in a dress. I never saw her in a dress in China. The dress was decorated in ladybugs. She was wearing a big hat that matched the dress and it was also decorated with ladybugs. Even her sandals had big ladybugs on the top.
I asked Wanna—
Why is she decorated in ladybug clothes?
Wanna told me that some parents who adopt from China believe ladybugs are good luck. Parents believe when they see a ladybug that it will bring them closer to their children—that finding their child or going through adopting them will be faster if they see a ladybug.
I asked Wanna why. What did ladybugs have to do with lucky adoptions?
Wanna said—
Now that I think about it…I have no idea.
I said—
That is the most stupid thing that I ever heard of. That is so stupid.
Wanna said—
I understand how you feel, but please don’t say the word stupid. Think of another word.
I said—
There is no other word for thinking ladybugs and adoptions go together. It is totally stupid.
And Wanna said—
Well, I guess you are right. Maybe it is stupid and there is no other word.
I said—
To dress a child up in adoption ladybugs is even more stupid.
Wanna said—
They are just trying to show how happy they are to have Abby home now.
I said—
Did you do that? Dress Ellie in ladybug clothes?
Wanna looked embarrassed but admitted that she bought a ladybug T-shirt for Ellie when they were in China. She told me that she would make sure to never buy me any clothes with ladybugs on them. I told her that I would never forgive her if she did.
122
Dear Penny,
I can’t stop looking at Abby’s photo.
I wish she wasn’t wearing those sunglasses. I know that she is smiling, but I can’t tell if her eyes are smiling too. If I could see her eyes, then I could tell if she was really happy and not just pretending.
When I look at her photo, I lie on my back and hold her picture over my head. I need to look at it that way because if I am looking down at her, instead of up, my tears might drop onto the picture and ruin it.
So I look at it when I am lying in bed on my back and hold her picture over my head. That way the tears fall down the sides of my face and soak into my pillow. Her photo is safe.
If her parents didn’t erase me from her life, then maybe I could have taught them how to help Abby when she was upset. Sometimes when she was upset, I would squeeze her toes and she would laugh instead of cry. I would take each toe and squeeze it gently, and by the time I got to the tenth toe, she usually stopped crying.
It didn’t work that time when the Mean Boy popped her balloon. I couldn’t stop her crying that time. But usually the toe squeeze worked really well.
123
Dear Penny,
I don’t want to talk to anyone, and I won’t leave my room except to go to the bathroom. Wanna and Ellie try to get me to come out and do something with them, but I can’t. Sitka came over but I told her to go away and that I didn’t want to talk to her. I heard Wanna whispering something to Sitka when they stood by my door trying to get me to come out. I don’t care.
Wanna brings me food to my room. Whenever she gives me something, she writes a note and tucks it into a napkin. She wrote at breakfast—
I know your heart is hurting right now. We are here for you.
And at lunch…
We love you, An-Ya. I am so sorry that you feel like you can’t talk right now. We will wait until you are ready.
And at dinner…
An-Ya, I wish that I could make it all better. I am so sorry. I thought the journey to your sweet Abby, your Ye-Bi, would turn out differently. If only I could change so many things that were never in my control. You don’t need to be alone with your feelings. Your family wants to help you.
124
Dear Penny,
Ellie keeps coming to my room to take care of Angel Bones. She knocks softly on the door and says—
An-Ya? I take Angel Bones to potty now, ok?
I never answer her, but she opens the door and Angel Bones runs to Ellie, and they walk out the door. When Ellie brings Angel Bones back, she doesn’t say anything. She just opens the door and lets Angel Bones run in. Angel Bones is being very quiet. Somehow she knows that I need quiet.
I feel cold but I don’t want to try to get warm.
I think cold is how I am supposed to feel.
Was I cold in the box that She left me in? Maybe that is why I don’t want to get warm. I want to remember.
125
Dear Penny,
Last night I was tired of my soft bed and decided to crawl under my bed and lay on the hard floor. I imagined that I was on the floor in America, and when I looked up in the darkness that I could see all of Canada. I imagined that somewhere in the darkness above me was Abby’s house and I could see her and I could see what she was doing.
I saw her on her tricycle going in circles. She was riding and worrying because crawling all around her were ladybugs and she didn’t want to run over any of them. She didn’t want to bring bad luck to her family by killing one of the ladybugs.
But then there was a bright light. Daddy turned my light on. I knew it was Daddy because I heard his voice—
An-Ya? An-Ya? Where are you?
And I didn’t answer.
I didn’t want to explain what I was doing under the bed.
He turned my light off, but he kept calling to me—
An-Ya?
And then he started yelling my name—
AN-YA?
My body tightened, but I didn’t move or speak. I listened.
Daddy yelled my name and then he yelled Wanna’s name and I heard shoes pounding on the hallway floor and up and down the stairs.
Someone was running. Then I heard Angel Bones barking. She was upset about the yelling and running.
I heard—
Where is she? Where is she?
But I don’t know who was talking because voices started to mix together.
I could see Wanna and Daddy’s feet standing next to my bed.
They were screaming my name into the air.
Angel Bones was
barking and jumping at their legs.
Then Angel Bones became so worried that she ran under the bed and curled up over my head.
126
Dear Penny,
Angel bones gave my hiding spot away. After she curled herself around my head, then they knew where I was. Daddy knelt down on my bedroom floor and lifted the bottom of my quilt and saw me. His voice was soft and he said—
There you are, An-Ya.
Then Wanna knelt down beside Daddy and lifted the quilt too. Her voice sounded like she was talking through a whistle and she said—
You are safe. You are here. You are safe.
Wanna’s eyes were red. I could tell even though it was dark. I didn’t say anything back. I kept staring up and wondering how long it would take me to get to Canada if I started walking there now.
127
Dear Penny,
Daddy and Wanna stared at me lying under the bed for a long time. Ellie came in to stare at me too. Angel Bones stayed wrapped around my head but kept making little crying sounds.
Ellie said—
Are you sad, An-Ya, or are you on adventure?
I looked at her and then looked back up at the bed.
Ellie said—
If you on adventure, An-Ya, can I come? It is ok if we go on a sad adventure.
Then without me asking her to, Ellie crawled under my bed and lay next to me.
Then Wanna said—
I agree with Ellie. If you are on a sad adventure, then I would still like to join you.
Wanna crawled under the bed and put her arm across Ellie and settled her hand on my chest. Daddy followed them and crawled in on the other side and put his arm across my chest and joined hands with Wanna.
Wanna said—
An-Ya, please tell us what adventure we are joining you on tonight?
An-Ya and Her Diary Page 8