Finally words came out of me—
We are on a sad adventure. We are going back in time…to my orphanage in China.
They all moved closer to me as if we were really going back. As if they might lose me again. The tighter they held me, the more scared I became. I could smell them—Daddy, Wanna, Ellie, and Angel Bones. They all smelled so different, but together their smell mixed into something like apple juice and green grass. They were warm and I could feel their hearts beating against me.
I freed one arm from under their embrace, and I lifted it to the metal frame of my bed.
I began tapping.
I told them—
If you want to come with me, then you need to tap too.
One by one they all reached up their hands and began to tap.
I closed my eyes and listened. For a long time we tapped and listened to our fingers making music on the metal frame. We tapped until the metal frame of my bed became the metal frame of Abby’s crib in the orphanage.
Then I stopped tapping. Then they stopped too.
I kept my eyes closed but I opened my mouth to talk. I told them we were back in the orphanage. I told them that our sad adventure back in time had begun.
128
Dear Penny,
It is morning now. I am in my bed under the covers. Ellie and Angel Bones are in my bed too and they are still quietly snoring. I don’t remember everything that I said last night.
What I do remember is that I talked about taking care of Abby in the orphanage. How I was the one responsible for taking care of her and how much that bothered me sometimes. But there were also times that Abby gave me a reason to keep breathing. She needed me. And now she doesn’t…or maybe she does…but now I will never know. Just because she has new ladybug clothes and a bicycle doesn’t mean that she is really being taking care of, right? The photo doesn’t tell me anything about how she is feeling inside.
While I was talking last night, Ellie and Angel Bones fell asleep curled around me. They both snored, but it was a quiet and soft kind of snore. But Daddy and Wanna listened all the way until I was finished talking.
I told Daddy and Wanna a little bit about my dreams and nightmares about the orphanage. I talked the most about the ones that included Abby.
I wanted to stop talking and suck back in all of the words that had already come out. But I couldn’t do it. I kept going on and on like my mouth had a broken zipper.
Every once in awhile, as I was talking, Daddy would squeeze my hand or Wanna would run her fingers through my hair. I kept my eyes closed the entire time.
When I finally stopped talking, Wanna and Daddy were silent and waited to make sure that I was finished.
Then Daddy whispered—
Ok Baby Girl, let’s get you out from under here and into your bed. It has been a long night for you and it is time for rest.
His arms reached under my body and pulled me out from under the bed and placed me on top of the bed and slid me under my covers. I felt heavy in my body and tired by my memories.
Wanna pulled Ellie and Angel Bones out and placed them on top of the bed next to me. They didn’t wake up.
Daddy and Wanna looked at each other as if they were unsure of what they were supposed to say next. I didn’t care what they said. I just wanted to close my eyes again.
Wanna said—
Good night, An-Ya. Thank you for taking me on an adventure with you, even if it was a sad adventure. Knowing your past helps me understand.
I thought she was going to start crying because her breathing became heavy and her voice was breaking.
Daddy said—
Good night, Baby Girl. Wishing you sweet dreams.
He blew me a kiss that I didn’t return.
And then they were gone and I was left with the two small snoring bodies that slept through most of my sad adventure and didn’t seem like they were about to wake up anytime soon. I was too tired to figure out how to move them.
How strange that Daddy called me…Baby Girl?
It doesn’t feel like I have ever been a baby girl. To anyone. Ever. It feels like as soon as I was put in that box by Them that I became a person just trying to live and figure out how to keep living to the next day. Baby Girl? I was never a baby as far as I can remember.
But for a moment, as Daddy was holding me, I believed that maybe I could be a baby girl. Maybe the baby in me is not gone forever. Maybe it has been inside me all along.
I am tired. I need to go back to sleep.
129
Dear Penny,
Wanna made us chocolate chip pancakes this morning and she smiled at me a lot. The pancakes tasted very good, and smelled wonderful, but Wanna smiling so much was uncomfortable. Ellie kept saying how yummy to her tummy the pancakes were. It was a little cute the first time she said it, but she kept going on and on during the entire meal.
After pancakes I asked Wanna to borrow some of her poetry books. She didn’t ask me why. She just smiled again, pulled some books off of the hallway shelves, and handed them to me. I tried to smile back at her, but I know my smile was much smaller than hers.
I took the books to my room and studied the ones that I could understand. Many of the poems were written in this old style of English and I couldn’t tell what the poem was even about.
I didn’t read all of them because most of them were boring. None of them seemed to be written about how I felt about Levi.
There was this one poem that I liked that was written by an American poet. It was interesting that the poet didn’t use capital letters even when he signed his name. The poem was about carrying someone else’s heart inside of them. But it wasn’t exactly right for my situation. I think it was more meant for someone grown up and in love for a long time. Plus it said ‘my darling’ in the poem and that would just be weird to say to Levi. I don’t want him to think that I am crazy. I just want him to understand that he is important.
130
Dear Penny,
I think I finally figured out what I have to tell Levi and how I want to tell him. For some reason reading all of the American poetry that Wanna gave me reminded me of a poem I once read in China. I hope that sharing this poem from China with him is the right thing to do because I have no idea what I am doing.
131
Dear Penny,
Sitka came over today. She was dressed in all red and it seemed like she was dressed to be going somewhere important. So I asked her if she was going somewhere special today. She looked confused and asked me why I would think that. I told her that she was wearing all red and that red was a happy celebration party color in China.
She said—
An-Ya, this isn’t China, and I am just wearing red because I like it.
I just said—
Ok.
In America red is just red and nothing more. I should know that by now.
Sitka’s parents were working at the hospital and she wanted us to take Angel Bones for a walk. That was ok with me because I didn’t want to think about Abby and all the things that I told Wanna and Daddy when we were under my bed.
We walked through the woods and toward the covered bridge. I was thinking about what I was going to write to Levi and didn’t realize I was walking ahead of Sitka. She yelled out to me—
AN-YA! Hold your horses and wait for me to catch up!
I asked her what she meant about the horses and she said it was called an idiom. Then we walked together and Sitka went on to teach me more idioms, like kick the bucket and spill the beans and…
I am on cloud nine…which I am not. But I think I made it to cloud seven or eight when Levi held my hand.
132
Dear Penny,
Ellie’s birthday is tomorrow and Wanna is taking me shopping to get a birthday gift. I don’t know what I should get her. Wanna suggested a doll, or a game, or some kind of toy she could play with. I don’t want to get her any of those things.
What I really want to do is write my letter to Levi, but
right now I am still thinking about what exactly I want to write. I just know that I want to be able to hand it to him the next time I see him and get it over with. He will either like it or hate it or still like me or maybe hate me.
Sitka better be right about this poetry and letter writing idea.
133
Dear Penny,
I bought Ellie her birthday present. We went shopping in a huge store that had two floors and an escalator. I tried to hide how nervous I was stepping on and off those moving stairs. The only other time I was on an escalator was in the airports coming home from China. I was pushed onto the airport escalators by the crowds behind me. I don’t know if I would have ever left China if those strangers behind me didn’t force me to step on.
Wanna and I went first to the toy section and looked at all of the toys. Wanna kept trying to get me to buy things that weren’t what I wanted to give. In the toy area there was a little girl who was holding a fancy doll and screaming at her mom that if she couldn’t buy the doll, then she wouldn’t ever be good again. I wanted to take the doll and hit the girl over the head with it.
I finally found what I wanted to buy Ellie in the jewelry section. Wanna told me that it is called a charm bracelet. The bracelet has a silver chain and each of the chain loops has a little charm. All of the charms are tiny animals. There is a monkey, panda, flamingo, penguin, and hippo. The only charm that isn’t an animal is a blue flower that sparkles.
Wanna said the bracelet was perfect. I hope Ellie likes it. I don’t know why, but I really want her to like it.
134
Dear Penny,
Today was Ellie’s birthday party.
Wanna gave me some wrapping paper decorated with bright colored flowers. It matched the tiny blue flower charm that was on the bracelet.
It was raining and the air was cool. I tucked the present box into my sweater pocket. I didn’t want to put it on the pile of gifts waiting for Ellie to open. I wanted to hand the gift to her myself.
Ellie had a fairy party and invited a few of her little friends. Wanna gave all of the children fairy wings and a wand. I did not wear the wings or carry a wand, but I did let Ellie put some silver fairy dust on my face.
Even though it was raining outside, it felt bright and colorful inside the house.
Daddy couldn’t come to the party because he had a work meeting to go to. He said it was very important and could mean good things for our family if it went well.
Wanna stood in the kitchen and offered food to all of the mothers who brought their children to the party.
The children were crazy and ran around our house swinging their wands and pretending to grant wishes or trying to turn our furniture into pumpkins. One little girl tried to turn me into a pony because she said it was her heart felt wish to have a pony. I tried not to laugh at her because she really seemed to think that it might be possible if she waved that wand hard enough.
Ellie looked happy. Her face was sparkling with fairy dust and her silver wings matched her silver and pink fairy dress. Everyone gathered together in the living room to watch Ellie open her presents. She opened her gifts so fast that I only knew what she received because after ripping off the wrapping paper, she would hold the present over her head and say—
This is a great present. Thank you very much!
Wanna told her before the party that she needed to thank the giver of each present before she opened the next one. Ellie did a good job and didn’t forget to thank a single person for their present.
When all of the presents were opened, except mine, she turned to Wanna, clapped her hands, and said—
Now, Mommy will tell my birthday story!
Wanna looked confused and said—
What story is that, Ellie?
And Ellie said—
You know, Mommy. Tell everyone about the day that I came out of your tummy and I was born!
Everyone stared at the floor or at their feet. The room became totally quiet.
I will tell you the rest tomorrow. I guess you already know that it didn’t go very well after that.
135
Dear Penny,
Ellie asked to hear about the day that she was born, and Wanna looked like she didn’t know what to do.
Finally, Wanna ended the silence and quietly said—
Ellie, don’t you remember how we talked about that you were born in China? Don’t you remember the books that we have read about children who were born in China and then they were adopted?
Ellie looked angry. I have never seen that look on her face before. She said to Wanna—
Those were books, Mommy. I am not a book.
Wanna said—
I know you are not a book, but the story the books told is like the story of your life.
Ellie became even angrier and she said with a loud voice—
I don’t want you to talk about books, Mommy! I want you to tell my friends about my day I was born!
Wanna looked like she was lost and she didn’t know which way to go. She looked around the silent room and tried to apologize to everyone with her eyes. She said—
Ellie. You were born in China and I wasn’t there, honey. You were born from your China Mama’s tummy…not mine. I don’t know the story to tell your friends. Only your China Mama knows the story of the day you were born. We have talked about this before. I think we should have cake now. Are you ready for some cake?
Ellie was not ready for cake. She fell to the floor and curled up in a ball and started screaming.
136
Dear Penny,
Nobody moved when Ellie started to scream. I was still in my chair and watching it all happen. Ellie was on the floor and there was a room full of people pretending that they weren’t there at all.
Before I knew what I was doing, all of the sudden I was on the floor next to Ellie. I don’t remember caring what anyone in the room thought about me or about the situation.
I touched Ellie’s little back and began to rub my hand up and down. There was only a small part of her back that I could reach since she was wearing those fairy wings.
I whispered into Ellie’s ear—
I was born in China too. I also have a mother in China that gave birth to me. I don’t know my birthday story either. I don’t know anything about the day I was born.
Ellie stopped screaming and looked at me. She said—
Truth An-Ya?
I stopped whispering and said to Ellie—
Yes, Ellie. That is the truth. We both do not know our birthday story, and we both have a mother in China that we don’t know.
Ellie sat up. She looked so small and sad sitting there wearing her crooked fairy wings. Some of her black hair looked glued by tears to her cheeks. She asked me—
Why, An-Ya?
I told her that I didn’t know why. I told her that I wished I knew why, but I didn’t know the why about any of it for either of us.
Then I told her that I had a present for her that was still in my sweater pocket. I asked her if she wanted to open it. She nodded her head yes. I pulled the flower wrapped box out of my pocket and handed it to her.
She opened it slowly. People started to lift their eyes from the floor and stare at us as if they were waiting to see what would happen next.
Ellie pulled the charm bracelet out of the box, studied it for a minute, and then held it over her head to show everyone. She said—
Thank you An-Ya for this beautiful present. Thank you very much!
She hugged her bracelet and then asked me to help her put it on her wrist. Then she turned to Wanna and asked—
Mommy, birthday song now?
Wanna looked tired and she kept wiping her eyes with her shirt sleeve, but she smiled at Ellie and said—
Yes, Ellie. Now we will sing the birthday song.
Wanna started to sing, and then everyone in the room began to join in.
Ellie’s fairy dust was sparkling around her chin, having been washed lower down her face by her te
ars. But once the singing began around her, she lifted her head high and smiled big at everyone in the room.
Happy birthday to you, dear Ellie…happy birthday to you!
We did eat the cake after that. The cake was very good. It was chocolate.
137
Dear Penny,
Sitka came over today. She didn’t come to the birthday party yesterday because she got in trouble and was being punished by her parents.
It was still cool and raining, so Sitka came to my room and we sat on my bed to talk. Ellie was busy playing with her birthday presents and didn’t follow us the way that she normally would have.
Sitka said the other day she was reading the newspaper and found out that a special star was coming to the sky. The star was going to show up and it would only be able to be seen on one night. If you didn’t see it on that one night, then it wouldn’t be able to be seen for another five hundred years.
So Sitka said—
An-Ya, I totally had to see that star. I just couldn’t live my life without seeing that star. It was that important to me.
I asked her why seeing a star was so important.
She said—
I can’t explain it to you. I knew it was something I had to do and somehow it was going to mean something to my future. You just have to believe me that I needed to see it.
Well, I didn’t understand at all what she was talking about, but I did understand why she got in trouble.
The star was going to be viewable in the middle of the night. So in the middle of the night, Sitka decided to climb out of her upstairs bedroom window. She took her binoculars and laid her body flat on her roof.
Her parents heard her open her window and climb out.
When they found her, they were not happy.
Sitka told me she was sure that she saw her star before her parents caught her out on the roof. She said the star was bright and blinking like no other star in the sky. Sitka said it was one of those things that you know you have to do and you take the punishment.
An-Ya and Her Diary Page 9