I told her I thought she was crazy, but inside I understood part of what she was saying.
Sitka said—
We all have a little crazy in us. So tell me—how was Ellie’s party?
138
Dear Penny,
I told Sitka what happened at Ellie’s birthday party. She said that she was disappointed that she missed all of the excitement. I told her it wasn’t exciting to watch Ellie scream on the floor. She said—
I know, An-Ya. I just mean that what you did for Ellie was awesome!
I told her there wasn’t anything awesome about what I did at all. I did what I needed to do to make Ellie calm down because nobody else was doing anything. Sitka said that she never thought about how hard a birthday might be if you didn’t know anything about the day you were born or who gave birth to you.
She asked me if I wanted to find my parents in China. I told her that they probably didn’t want to know me because they never came back to find me.
Then Sitka put her hand on my arm. I looked at her face and she looked like she felt sorry for me. She asked me—
If you did meet them, what would you say to them?
I stared back at Sitka and said—
I don’t have anything to say to them. Plus, we don’t even speak the same language anymore.
Sitka said—
Seriously, An-Ya? Nothing?
I said—
I can’t think of anything right now, so yes, nothing.
139
Dear Penny,
It is late and I am in my bed with Angel Bones. She is sleeping with her ears tucked under both of her paws. It is like she is trying to make her dog world quiet.
I wish I could make my voice inside my head quiet.
After Sitka left today, Wanna came into my room and told me she wanted to talk about what happened at the birthday party.
She didn’t say very much and she still looked tired. She kept touching her yellow hair and pausing as she talked.
She said—
There is a lot that I want to tell you, An-Ya…but most of all I want to thank you for helping your little sister on her birthday. Ellie needed you…and you were there for her in a way that nobody else in that room could have been. It was…a brave thing that you did. I should have done more…and I should have thanked you sooner. I should have at least come to you both when you were on the floor…I don’t know why I didn’t…I want to apologize.
Wanna stopped talking.
She put her hands on my face and wrapped her fingers around my cheeks. Her hands were soft and they made my whole body feel warm. She asked me to forgive her if I could.
I said—
You don’t know why you didn’t do anything…and I don’t know why I did do something.
Wanna nodded and removed her hands from my cheeks and rubbed my shoulders. Then she said good night and wished me sweet dreams and was gone.
Now I am awake thinking about why I helped Ellie when all of those people were watching. Why did I feel warm inside when Wanna held my face in her hands? And I wonder about Sitka’s question about what I would say to my parents in China if I met them someday. I must have something that I want to say to them?
I can’t stop thinking, but all I want to do is to stop thinking. Maybe I should cover my ears like Angel Bones and hope it will make my world quiet.
140
Dear Penny,
I think my brain was so busy last night that it stopped working all together and I fell asleep.
I wish I could talk about all of these problems with Levi. There is something about him that makes me feel like he will understand. Not that he could understand it all, but I think he could understand some of it.
Sitka is great to talk to, but she never seems to have any problems other than getting caught sitting on her roof in the middle of the night.
I don’t know, Penny. Maybe I am making things up about Levi that don’t really exist. Maybe I will look like a stupid girl trying to write him a letter about poetry.
But today I am going to write it anyway. I need to know if he is as real as I am hoping. I need to know one way or another and then move on.
141
Dear Penny,
I worked all day on writing to Levi. I wrote a lot and then threw it all out and then started over and over again. Finally, I am finished. Now all I need to do is hand it to him and wait to see if he runs away or not.
Here is what I wrote:
Levi,
I want to share some things with you. I have thought a lot about what I want to say and about what I want you to hear.
In China I lived in an orphanage. You probably know that about me even though we never talked about it.
Well, when I was in the orphanage, I remember finding this old book. I found it in a closet that was used to keep some of the cleaning supplies. I was reaching for a bucket on the floor and I saw this old book.
This might seem strange to you because in America everybody has books. But in China I didn’t see very many books other than my school books. So finding a book on the floor of the cleaning closet was a big surprise.
Like I said, it looked old, plus it smelled old and the pages were stained. But it was special to me to discover it. I tucked the book under my shirt and took it somewhere quiet to read.
The book turned out to be a poetry book. Most of it was difficult for me to understand. But there was this one poem that I liked a lot and I felt like I understood it.
I can’t read and write Chinese anymore, and even if I could I don’t remember all the lines of the poem. I only remember the meaning.
So the meaning of the poem is what I would like to share with you—
The poem was about a man. He was a man who made many mistakes and bad decisions. All of the bad things that he did hurt people that he cared about. The people that he hurt were people who cared about him too.
The man didn’t like who he was anymore. He decided to try and take the pain away from the ones that he hurt.
He made a tray full of food. He took the food to all of the houses where the people he hurt lived. He asked each person to please place the pain he caused on his tray of food.
All of the people he hurt did what the man asked. They pulled the pain from their hearts and placed it on the man’s tray of food.
When the man was finished visiting all of the people that he hurt, he went back to his house. He took all of the food on the tray, with all of the pain added to the food, and he ate it. He ate everything on the tray. No crumb was left.
From that day on, the man was always sick to his stomach. The pain stayed inside of his belly and swam around. If he ate more food, he felt sick. If he didn’t eat, then he felt sick too. The man accepted his punishment for all of his bad decisions that hurt all of the people he cared about.
The man became very sick and stopped leaving the house.
Then one day, two of the people that he hurt knocked on the man’s door. They said they hadn’t seen the man in a long time and thought maybe he might need something good to eat. The man looked awful and felt awful, but he took the food offered to him and said thank you and closed the door.
Then something strange happened. His door was knocked on again and again, and there was more food offered to the man by the people that he had hurt.
The man accepted all the food offered to him, and although he was scared of the food and how it might make him feel, he began to eat.
After eating the new food, made by the people who kept caring about him, his stomach began to feel better.
What he didn’t know was that the pain he swallowed inside was now being pushed out of his stomach by the new food and the pain began entering his veins. The pain started traveling through his veins straight from his stomach to his heart.
Soon the man could then eat without pain. But his heart ached now. All of the pain was removed from his stomach and stuck in his heart. The pain in his heart was awful at first. But after some time passed, his
body grew healthy again, and his heart learned to live with the pain. And even though the pain stayed in his heart, other feelings came inside his heart too. Some of those feelings were good feelings and softened the pain of his heart.
The end.
Levi, I think you might be one of the people in my life now who are helping me to move my pain from my belly to my heart.
I don’t know if any of what I wrote will make sense to you. I will give you two choices—
1. You think I am crazy and walk away now. Please rip up this letter into one thousand pieces. 2. You don’t think I am crazy, but rip this letter up into one thousand pieces and keep the story inside of you the way the story is inside of me.
—An-Ya
142
Dear Penny,
Do you think my letter to Levi is too long? I remember the poem in the old Chinese book was only a few pages. For some reason trying to explain and write about the poem took up more pages than the poem itself. Maybe because English writing takes up more space than Chinese?
I feel bad about what I wrote about Sitka not having any problems. It isn’t really her fault, is it? She is one of those lucky people who have a life that has been good. At least she hasn’t told me anything bad that has happened to her. Maybe I should ask her if there was a time when her life wasn’t as good as it seems. She is always the one who asks all of the questions. Do you think I should ask her more questions back?
I am not sure how to be a friend to Sitka, so how could I possibly know how to be a girlfriend to Levi?
I have read my letter to Levi over and over and I can’t think of a better way to explain what I want to say and what the poem means.
Now I need to wait until I see him again.
When Ellie hopes things will turn out how she wants, she says—
Mommy make waffles? Fingers crossed!
Mommy let Ellie wear fancy blue dress today? Fingers crossed!
Daddy give me piggy back ride? Fingers crossed!
So I say to you, Penny—
Levi understands my letter and doesn’t laugh at me. Fingers crossed!
143
Dear Penny,
It is strange how my life right now is filled with letters. First, Wanna gave me the letter from Abby’s parents. Second, I spent an entire day writing a letter to Levi. Third, Wanna came to me this morning to give me another letter. I didn’t know what to think and was worried about what changes this letter would bring to my life.
Wanna still looks tired. It is something about her face color that makes me think she isn’t sleeping well. Usually her cheeks are pink and shining, but now the pink is gone and her skin color is flat and pale.
She knocked on my door this morning and asked me if I had a minute to talk. I don’t know why she thought I wouldn’t have a minute. I told her it was fine to come in.
I was still in bed and wearing Wanna’s robe. I was cold when I woke up and threw her fuzzy white robe around my shoulders.
Wanna was wearing a robe too. It was blue and matched her eyes. She sat on my bed and smiled at me. It was the kind of smile that was a question.
She was holding some papers, and it reminded me of when she shared the letters and news about Abby. Except this time Wanna didn’t have so much worry on her face.
Wanna looked down at the papers in her hands and then she looked up at me.
She said—
An-Ya, you know that I was trying to figure out what happened to your Abby, your Ye-Bi, and I wrote letters to find out answers for you?
I said—
Yes?
She said—
Well, one of the places I wrote to was your orphanage. I have in my hands a letter from one of your nannies who cared for you. It seems that you were an important child in her life. I received the letter about a week ago, but of course, it was written in Chinese. It took a little time to get it translated. This morning I received the English translation.
Wanna looked down at the papers that she was holding. She kept looking at the papers and then looking at me. She smiled at me and then shook her head and then smiled at me again. Then she said—
I am going to give these to you and then go make some breakfast. We can talk about it all whenever you want to talk.
I said—
Ok.
Finally Wanna handed me the two pieces of paper. One of the papers was written in Chinese and the other was typed in English.
I didn’t start reading right away. I first stared into Wanna’s eyes, hoping to understand through her eyes if I should be afraid or not.
Wanna nodded her head at me and kept smiling at the papers. Her eyes told me to not be afraid. I didn’t know what to expect. Who was writing to me from China? Why were they writing me? How would my life be different after I read this letter? My life felt so different after I read the letter from Abby’s parents. I felt different inside after I wrote to Levi.
Wanna left my room.
I was scared but there was nothing else to do but read what was in front of me.
I will tell you about my letter from China after I eat. Right now I need to go eat something. My stomach is making strange noises and feels empty. I can smell that Wanna is cooking something sweet in the kitchen.
144
Dear Penny,
I was right that Wanna was cooking something sweet. She made crepes. It was my first time eating them. Wanna rolled up the thin pancake with strawberries and cream stuffed inside. On the top she sprinkled white sugar. Wanna said they were French.
Ellie ate breakfast with me. She didn’t say anything because her mouth was full of crepes and strawberries. Ellie needs to learn how to use her napkin. It was hard for me not to take my own napkin and start wiping the food off Ellie’s face.
Let me tell you about the letter from China. I have it in front of me and will copy it into your pages.
145
Dear Penny,
Here is the letter I received from China…
Hello, An-Ya,
It feels a long time since I have seen you. How are you? How is your health? I was happy to see that your America mother wrote to us. Now I can write to you and see how your life for you going. Is it good?
Do you remember singing with me as I played the old piano? Those memories are special for me to hold. Your song voice made all children stop their play and listen. You were our little singing bird. I miss you here with me singing.
Do you sing American or Chinese songs for your new family? They are lucky to listen to your voice now and must like to share your voice with American friends.
Things here are same. Ye-Bi was having difficult time without you. An-Ya, you remember boy with no eyes or hearing? Ye-Bi took care of him for a little time when you went to America. Ye-Bi help make him more calm. Ye-Bi was good little girl. You were a good big sister to Ye-Bi. She missed you very much. She is with new family now and maybe she is better and not always sad.
I miss you too. I am much relieved to receive a letter from your new mom asking about Ye-Bi and telling us that you are learning English fast. It is important. Try to keep your Chinese too so we can speak when you return to visit.
An-Ya, do you remember the day that you asked me to adopt you? I know I made a joke about it, but it was terrible for me. I cared about you deep inside. That night I went home and lost many tears about it. You are a special and smart girl. I knew it wasn’t possible for you to be my daughter but I wished it to be different. Maybe I should not tell that story but I wish for you to know it.
Do you still have your pretty red journal? Maybe you will write in it someday about your life here and you will write about me. I hope you will not forget me.
I know the story about you as a baby when you arrived here with your red journal. Whenever someone tried to take the journal out of your crib, you cried louder than all of the other babies. You would scream and not eat until they gave your red book back to you. Everyone learned fast that it was best way to let you keep your little journal. An-
Ya, you were always a strong child. Please stay strong and be good in America.
Do not worry about your things kept in baby closets. I keep them there as reminder of you. An-Ya, you were a clever girl. I will not forget you. Your face is painted in my heart.
Wish all is well with you and whole family,
Ping-Hao
146
Dear Penny,
Were you surprised by Ping-Hao’s letter? She still cares about me. She cares about you too. She called you my ‘pretty red journal’. The story she told…about us when I was a baby…do you remember me crying for you? I never thought about how we stayed together for so long. We have always been together, and I didn’t think about how or why that was. Even when I was a baby, I knew how important it was that we stay together.
I thought this would be another letter that would change me.
I was right.
I think I will read her letter one thousand times and still not understand exactly how I feel about what she wrote. I know that she says she will never forget me. She doesn’t know that I have already written about her in your pages. She doesn’t know that I will never forget her either. Her face is painted on my heart too.
What do you think Wanna thought when she read Ping-Hao’s letter? She must have read it. I don’t know. Wanna hasn’t said anything about it since she gave the letter to me.
I am glad that Wanna gave me Ping-Hao’s letter written in Chinese. I can’t read it, but I like to look at Ping-Hao’s handwriting and imagine her sitting at a table and writing to me.
147
Dear Penny,
It is after dinner and I am in the kitchen next to the fireplace. I like to sit here and watch the fire. The air outside is cool and the wind is blowing soft against the house windows. Every time I look at the fire, it changes. The fire is many colors…I can see white, yellow, orange, blue, and almost red.
An-Ya and Her Diary Page 10