An-Ya and Her Diary

by Christian, Diane René

  We are good. Everything here is ok. An-Ya was just trying to help. Stop worrying about things that you don’t need to be worried about. Give Ellie a kiss from me. Get some sleep.

  I hope Wanna understood what Daddy was trying to tell her. I like cleaning and it is nothing for her to worry about.

  189

  Dear Penny,

  It is the middle of the night. I was dreaming and it was terrible. I woke up wanting to scream.

  In the dream I was by myself and it was dark. I was walking by the lake. I tripped on something and fell into the water, but I couldn’t move my arms and legs to swim. I sank down deep into the lake. For some reason I couldn’t move at all. Water started getting into my mouth and choking me. Then I woke up.

  I am awake now but still feel like I can’t breathe.

  Daddy is asleep in his room. I can hear him snoring. If Wanna was here, she would have heard me wake up.

  I need to try and go back to sleep. Ellie is coming home tomorrow.

  190

  Dear Penny,

  This morning Daddy drove me to a store called Party Hearty. It is a store that has everything for any kind of party that you could think of.

  Daddy gave me twenty dollars and told me to go buy the balloons. He said he was going into the grocery store next to the party store. He wanted to buy some food for tonight.

  I walked into Party Hearty, and I didn’t know where to begin to look. The store made me uncomfortable. It made my eyes hurt. Everything in the store was too bright. My eyes couldn’t focus. All I wanted to get were balloons, but all I saw were costumes and masks and plates and signs and wedding candles.

  I was about to walk out of the store and wait for Daddy when a big woman with a little voice said—

  Can I help you?

  I almost pretended I didn’t hear her. I almost walked away. Instead I said—

  I need brain surgery balloons.

  The big woman looked at me and blinked a few times before she said—

  Can you explain to me again how I can help you?

  I told her that my sister fell down the stairs and had brain surgery and she was feeling better and coming home and I wanted to give her balloons to make her feel better.

  I was sure that the big woman didn’t understand what I said because I wasn’t even sure what I said. But then she blinked at me a few more times and said—

  I see. Well, follow me and we will get you exactly what you need.

  She took me to a corner of the store that was filled with flat balloons in every color. She asked me what color my sister liked the best, and I told her pink. She asked me what color I liked the best, and I told her blue. Then she said that pink and blue would look lovely with orange mixed in.

  She took the flat pink, blue, and orange balloons and filled them all up on a balloon machine. At the bottom of each balloon she tied white ribbons.

  When she finished, there were twelve balloons. Four balloons in each color. She handed them to me and told me that she hoped my sister would be happy when she came home.

  I said—

  Thank you for your help.

  She blinked and smiled and said—

  Have a wonderful day.

  191

  Dear Penny,

  I waited for Daddy outside of the Party Hearty store. I didn’t wait very long before he came out with his groceries. I was happy and smiling. I never liked balloons before, but this time I liked the balloons that I was holding.

  It was windy. The balloons were flying behind me, and I was trying to keep them all together without any of them flying away.

  Daddy told me that the colors that I picked were perfect. He asked me if there was any change. I handed him the twenty dollars back that he gave me before I went into the store.

  He looked at me like I had done something wrong. The big woman didn’t ask me to pay. I forgot to ask.

  I didn’t try to steal the balloons.

  Daddy told me to wait there with the balloons and he went into the Party Hearty store.

  I stood in the wind struggling to keep all the balloons safe and wondered if I had ruined everything and if all the balloons would need to be returned. Ellie would never get to see how nice the balloons looked. Daddy would never forgive me. He would tell Wanna that I was stealing.

  When Daddy came back out of the store, he put his hand on my head and said—

  That sure was a really nice lady. Let’s get you and those pretty balloons in the car and head home.

  192

  Dear Penny,

  I am sitting on our sofa and looking out of the window waiting for Wanna and Ellie to come home. Daddy called Wanna before they left the hospital and he said they would be home soon.

  I put the balloons close to the front door so that Ellie will see them right after she comes inside.

  Angel Bones seems like she knows something is going to happen because she is running in circles and making little growling sounds at the sofa.

  It is dark outside.

  I was thinking about the night that the 911 woman told me to look for the lights. This time I am looking for Wanna’s car lights and not the lights of an ambulance.

  I never want to watch for the lights of an ambulance ever again.

  193

  Ellie is home. I will tell you about it tomorrow.

  194

  Dear Penny,

  Ellie coming home didn’t go the way that I thought it would. First, nobody told me that Ellie would be in a wheelchair.

  Wanna and Daddy carried Ellie in the chair up the front stairs and into our house. She looked small in her fluffy pink pajamas and matching robe.

  The wheelchair was black with yellow stripes on the wheels. I wasn’t expecting Ellie to come home and be pushed around in a wheelchair. The wheelchair colors made it look like Ellie was sitting in a big chair bee.

  Ellie’s head was covered by the hood of her robe. Her eyes were tired, and she wasn’t keeping them all the way open. I didn’t know if she could see me.

  Wanna told Ellie that she was home now and Ellie opened her eyes a little wider. She saw me and said—

  An-Ya?

  I said—

  Yes, Ellie. It is me.

  Wanna pointed up at the balloons and told Ellie to look at how wonderful they were. Ellie looked at them and said—

  Ohhhh…my balloons?

  I told Ellie that all of the balloons were for her. She nodded her head and smiled.

  Then she said—

  Mama?

  Wanna knelt in front of Ellie in her bee chair. Wanna asked her—

  Is the pain coming back?

  Ellie didn’t answer, but her eyes began to fill with tears.

  Wanna told Daddy she needed to go get Ellie’s pain medicine out of the car. Daddy picked Ellie up out of the wheelchair and told Ellie that he was taking her upstairs to sleep.

  I didn’t understand why Ellie was home when she wasn’t all the way better. I didn’t understand why she couldn’t walk in the front door.

  I was alone with the balloons and Angel Bones, who was quiet and seemed confused too.

  I wasn’t sure how prayer worked, but I thought I should try praying that Daddy didn’t drop Ellie as he carried her up the stairs.

  195

  Dear Penny,

  I am in my room.

  I was thinking about what Sitka said about being lucky to have this family. I thought maybe if I surrounded myself with things from my family that I might feel luckier.

  I looked through my drawers to find the gifts I was given for my birthday. I put the sister necklace Ellie gave me around my neck. I put the crystal watch that Daddy gave me on my wrist. Then I put on Wanna’s robe and pulled the blue quilt she made me up over my chest.

  I waited a few minutes to see if anything changed.

  It didn’t work. I didn’t feel luckier.

  196

  Dear Penny,

  Wanna woke me up this morning. I heard her voice first—

&n
bsp; An-Ya…it is time to wake up. You must have been tired to sleep so long.

  Before I opened my eyes, I smelled something sweet. It was a strong warm smell.

  I opened my eyes and sat up in my bed.

  Wanna was sitting next to me with a tray in her hands. Inside the tray was a plate of blueberry muffins with strawberry jelly on top. There was a glass of milk and a glass of orange juice next to the muffins.

  Wanna told me that in the hospital Ellie received all of her food on a tray. She said the food on the tray wasn’t very good, but the hospital workers always brought a tray for every meal.

  Wanna said that she thought maybe I would enjoy getting a tray of food in bed for my breakfast too.

  I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure that I wanted to receive food trays like people do in the hospital.

  Wanna told me that it was almost lunchtime but to sit in bed and enjoy my late breakfast. Then she said—

  Maybe when you are finished eating, you could come help me clean up the dishes?

  I nodded my head and she nodded her head back at me. Then she left me alone.

  I woke up still wearing all of my birthday gifts. I guess I fell asleep with them on. Wanna didn’t mention it.

  I think I will sit and take my time eating my muffins. I don’t like milk, but I will drink the juice.

  197

  I helped Wanna wash the dishes. She asked me to soap up the dishes in the sink, rinse them, and then hand them to her. She put them all in the dishwasher.

  I was careful to wash each dish well. I was nervous about a dish slipping out of my hands. I cleaned them all and didn’t drop anything.

  When we were finished, she showed me which soap went into the dishwasher and how to push the buttons in order for the machine to start.

  I wasn’t sure why we needed to wash the dishes twice, but I didn’t ask Wanna for an answer.

  When we were finished, she handed me a small towel. My shirt was wet from pressing myself against the sink. Wanna held a towel too and dried her hands. She looked at me and said—

  How are you?

  I stared at my feet for a few minutes and tried to think of an answer. I said—

  Do you remember that time when you told me that our inside maps looked the same?

  Wanna said she remembered and waited for me to continue.

  I wanted to pretend like I never said anything about the maps. Why couldn’t I wash dishes with Wanna and shut my mouth? Why couldn’t I say something nice? I could have leaned against the sink and answered…I am fine. How are you, Wanna? But I didn’t say something nice. I started talking about the time when Wanna compared our inside maps.

  I finally said—

  I know what you were trying to tell me about the maps and our inside maps being similar. But in order to follow a map, you need to have a starting place.

  Wanna asked me to explain more because she didn’t understand what I was trying to say. She kept drying her hands, even though they were already dry.

  I stared at my feet again and tried to think of how to make sense. Finally, I said—

  You have a map. I know it doesn’t show all pretty places. You had a bad uncle. You lost your parents in the accident. But you knew your parents. Since you knew them, they are a part of your map. They are the beginning of your map.

  I looked at Wanna to see if she understood me now. She kept drying her hands but didn’t say anything. I said—

  What I mean is I can’t even have a map inside of me if I have no beginning. I don’t know how I can have a map inside when I have no idea how or where I begin. Our maps aren’t the same if I don’t even have a map.

  Wanna didn’t answer. Instead she opened her arms and I let her wrap them around me. My wet shirt pressed into her, and I felt Wanna’s dish towel against my neck.

  Wanna whispered into my hair—

  Just because you don’t know your beginning doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen. Just because you don’t know your parents names doesn’t mean that they don’t exist. They are real and so are you. The inside of your map might have blurry parts. But you definitely have a map.

  Wanna put her arms down and looked into my eyes and said—

  And you are right. I shouldn’t compare our maps.

  198

  I have been thinking about what Wanna said about the map inside of me. If I do have a map, then it would be very confusing for someone else to try and read it. How can you trust a map that has blurry parts?

  I hope that Wanna will let me wash the dishes again. Even if she thinks we need to wash everything twice.

  199

  Ellie has been staying in Wanna and Daddy’s bedroom. They put her little bed in their room so that they can watch her closely. Ellie isn’t strong enough to walk around on her own. She can walk a little bit, but she gets tired easy.

  Wanna made noodle soup for lunch. She asked me if I wanted to take the soup up on a tray to Ellie.

  Do you know why Wanna made noodle soup? Wanna told me that Ellie will need to be on a special diet. She needs to eat things that make sure going to the bathroom isn’t too difficult.

  You wouldn’t know this, but sometimes people need to push a little to get stuff out of them and into the toilet.

  Wanna said that if Ellie has to push too hard to get stuff out, then it could be hard on her brain.

  How are we going to keep Ellie safe in this house when using the bathroom could be dangerous?

  200

  I brought Ellie her noodle soup.

  She was sitting in her bed and Daddy was sitting on the floor next to her. They were playing a card game called Go Fish.

  Before I went into the room, before they noticed me, I stood in the doorway and watched them.

  Ellie leaned down to pick up a card and that is when I saw her head. It was the first time I saw her head uncovered since the accident.

  I thought I was going to drop the tray. I was surprised that I didn’t spill anything. I wasn’t expecting Ellie’s head to look the way that it did. I wanted to put the tray down and start running, but I stayed. And I stared.

  In the middle of the back of Ellie’s head, there was no hair. Her beautiful black hair was gone. Instead of her hair, there were thick pieces of black thread that were woven in and out of her head. In between the black thread, her head skin looked squeezed up and red around the edges.

  Why didn’t anybody tell me that Ellie was missing her hair in the middle of her head?

  Daddy saw me standing in the doorway and smiled. Ellie turned and saw me and said—

  An-Ya play Fish with us?

  I said—

  Not right now, Ellie. I will come back and play with you later. First you should eat your soup.

  I put the tray down and left.

  201

  I took you and Angel Bones for a walk. Well, I thought we were going for a walk, but instead I put you under my arm and put Angel Bones on a leash, and I began running. I didn’t know why I was running or where I was going.

  I ran through the woods and ended up under the covered bridge. Once I was inside the bridge, I fell onto my knees and rested my body against the cool wood walls. When I looked down, I could see the river water moving underneath me.

  Angel Bones sat down too. She was tired after running and her tongue was hanging out of her mouth.

  I pressed my head in between the bridge’s wood beams, and tears started dropping from my eyes. My tears were swallowed up into the river below.

  It was quiet. My tears didn’t make any sounds when they fell.

  I wanted to jump into the river and follow my tears. I wanted to leave you, leave Angel Bones, leave Ellie, leave everyone and everything and swim away from all of you.

  But I didn’t do it. I didn’t mean it. I wouldn’t do that to you. I am sorry.

  202

  When I came home from the covered bridge, Daddy was waiting for me. He asked me where I was and I told him. He asked me if I was ok and I said I was fine.
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br />   I don’t think he believed me, but he didn’t make me talk about it.

  He said—

  Ellie fell asleep waiting for you to come back and play.

  I said—

  I needed to take Angel Bones for a walk.

  He said—

  Do you think you could spend time with Ellie when she wakes up?

  I said—

  Ellie needs a hat. She needs to protect her head.

  Daddy said that he knew that Ellie’s head looked scary but that she was ok without a hat. He said that I saw Ellie’s head right before her head wound was about to be cleaned. Most of the time, it was kept covered with a bandage.

  I told Daddy that I wanted Ellie to wear a hat to make sure. I wanted her to have extra protection. Daddy promised me that we could order some hats on the computer tonight. He agreed that it wouldn’t hurt anything to have extra protection.

  203

  Dear Penny,

  Daddy carried Ellie downstairs tonight and put her in her bee wheelchair. Ellie looked happy but tired. Her balloons were still downstairs, and when Ellie saw them, she clapped.

  Seeing Ellie clap her hands made me feel like maybe she would get better. Maybe Wanna and Daddy were telling me the truth about Ellie needing some time to heal. Because if Ellie isn’t going to get better, then I need someone to tell me the truth. When I saw the middle of Ellie’s head woven with black thread, I thought it looked impossible for her to ever get better.

  I know adults say things to children to make them feel better even though they aren’t true. The nannies told me that those really sick babies in the orphanage were adopted. Maybe the nannies were trying to make me feel better. It didn’t make me feel better. It made me feel lied to.

  If the nannies would have told me the truth, then we could have held hands and been sad together. Maybe we could have cried together and talked about the babies. We could have remembered them together. We could have named them together. But instead they lied to me and acted like their deaths never happened. Even Ping-Hao, who I loved as much as I knew how to love, would never talk to me about the sick babies that disappeared.