If You Only Knew: A gripping, debut thriller that you won't want to put down

by Cynthia Clark

  The booming horn of a passing truck blocks out his voice. “Sorry, can you repeat?”

  “He said he knows the name of the killer, has known all along, and will give us her name in exchange for immediate parole.”

  No, no, no! This is it then. The minute Terry gives them my name I’m done. Blood rushes to my head and I start feeling faint. Despite Miles’ insistence that I confess, a part of me was still hoping I could keep my secret, despite the toll it’s been taking on me and my family.

  “Mrs Perkins, are you still there?”

  “Ye…s, yes.” My voice croaks. “So, you think he really knows who it is?”

  “We’ll have to wait and see. But this is the closest we’ve ever come to getting a name.”

  “And you think you can trust him? That he’s not lying, throwing a name out there to get out of prison early?”

  “That’s a logical fear, but if DNA tests prove that she’s connected to Maya we’ll know we’re on the right track.”

  Closing my eyes tightly, I try to compose myself, afraid that I’m going to break down, make a sound that will raise suspicions. “When do you expect him to give you the name?”

  “We’ve started discussions with the parole board to see if this is doable and are waiting for an answer.”

  “Thank you for letting me know,” I say. And then quickly I add: “I’ll tell Mr and Mrs McBride.”

  For a few minutes after we hang up I sit in the car, staring right ahead, not yet ready to pull back into the busy road, scared that I might injure myself or someone else. My time is running out. If I’m going to turn myself in I have to do it quickly, before Terry gives them my name. There is no time to waste, no point in trying to dissuade Miles. He won’t change his mind anyway, especially if he finds out about this latest development.

  *

  Luigi sits across from me, rubbing his stubble, staring right at my face. I walked into his office as soon as I got to work and confessed the whole story before I could change my mind. He hasn’t said anything. It’s the first time I’m seeing him completely lost for words. Finally, he takes a deep breath and exhales very slowly.

  “You need to resign with immediate effect. You cannot have any link with the firm. I will buy you out.”

  “Ok.” It pains me that he doesn’t ask how I am doing, but goes straight into business mode. “Will you represent me?” I have nothing else to lose by asking him, and cannot imagine going to anyone else. The smaller we keep the circle, the better. And time is of the essence now that Terry is ready to give my name.

  “I need to think about this,” he says.

  As I walk back to my office, I feel utterly alone, the weight on my shoulders dragging me down. The thought of losing the job that I love hits me like a blow in the stomach, knocking the breath out of me. I close the door behind me and lean against it, standing there for long minutes, wondering how I allowed my life to get to this point.

  Chapter 44

  Once things are set into motion, they move quickly. Two days after I speak to Luigi I’m signing the paperwork terminating my link to the firm I helped build up.

  My fingers shake as I turn the pages and the pen feels heavy in my hand as I initial the thick contract. With every millimetre that the pen moves, the horror of what’s happening becomes even more real. My mind goes back to our first day in business. We’d sat at Luigi’s kitchen table brainstorming client acquisition strategies. This is a mistake, I had thought. I should never have given up a secure job for such a gamble. But over the years, with a lot of hard work and determination, we had managed to create a successful and well-respected firm.

  Now I was giving up all claim to it. My name would no longer be associated with the firm. And chances that I will ever find another legal job are slim to nil.

  For the past two days I’ve worked to tie loose ends, make sure that my notes on each case are clear for whoever will be taking over from me. With Luigi’s blessing I called all my clients to let them know I would be moving away, citing personal reasons and refusing to give any further information.

  “Are you ok?” Luigi asks, playing with the shiny square cufflink on his left cuff, twisting it round and round.

  For a second I want to tell him that I’m not, that I’m falling apart, that I’m scared. But instead I just nod.

  “Do you want a drink?” he asks. We’re on our own in the boardroom, a pile of signed documents in front of us. Looking around at the scantily decorated room, I remember the day we moved into this building two years ago, when things started really picking up. We’d had a small party in the evening, once the removal crew had left and everything had been put in its right place. Everyone had gone home and Luigi and I sat on the large leather swivel chairs, the table scattered with paper plates and cups and remnants of food. We looked out of the window at the London skyline, the tall buildings glistening in the weak sunlight, and talked about the future.

  “Sure.” I’m not ready to leave the office yet. This morning was the last time I entered the building as part owner of the firm. Next time I set foot into the suite of offices it will be as a client. Luigi has agreed to represent me and we’ve been talking over the intricacies of my admission, how we’re going to minimize damage. But despite our long conversations, we both know that this is going to be tough. At best my actions will be deemed as necessary to defend myself, but there is a cloud of doubt surrounding my years-long cover up of John Larkin’s death.

  Luigi hands me a glass of whisky and I take a small sip, wincing as the amber liquid burns a path down my throat. “I’ve secured an appointment with Detective Brown for Friday.”

  “Thank you. I’ll speak to Maya beforehand.”

  “Is that wise?” Luigi asks. “Why don’t you wait until we speak to the police? Avoid her telling anyone.”

  There’s worry in his eyes, his usual carefree face creased into a frown. “I’m leaving it until the last minute, so that she won’t have much time to let the secret slip, but I want her to hear it directly from me.” What if I get arrested, taken straight to a lock-up while detectives show up at the McBrides’ house to share the new discovery? No, I cannot take that chance. I need to look her in the eyes as I tell her who I really am.

  “I have to do this,” I insist.

  “Ok, but the more people who know, the less able you’ll be to change your mind if you decide to.”

  “It’s too late for that,” I say so softly that I wonder if he heard me. Then, after a few seconds I add: “What do you think will happen?”

  Luigi rubs his stubble, his thumb and forefinger drawing circles on each side of his mouth. “We’ll obviously try to convince them not to prosecute you, insist that this was pure self defence. But we won’t be successful. You’ve tampered with evidence and they won’t take kindly to that. Also, anything you said while representing the McBrides will be used to question your character. So if you ever said anything about finding Maya’s mother, which I’m sure you did, while knowing it was you… Well, every small comment will probably be used against you.”

  Staring down at my glass, I swirl the amber liquid round and round, trying to remember everything I’ve said about the case, how I can explain my actions.

  “Liz,” Luigi says after a while. “I’m talking as your friend here. Are you sure you want to go ahead with this? You could wait it out, see what the detectives find. Perhaps they won’t track you down. I can speak to Miles, tell him that this is a risky move, explain the repercussions. I’m sure he’ll understand, especially once the shock wears off.”

  He’s giving me a lifeline, a way out. He wants to help me stay safe, some part of him still believes in me. But my secret is out. Two more people know. And with Terry negotiating a deal, aside from whoever else he might have told, the danger of being found out creeps higher every day. I cannot live the rest of my life in fear. Frankly, I’m surprised I’ve made it this far.

  And there’s a part of me that cannot be responsible for Terry hurting anyone else
. I need to tell the police about that call, his potential involvement. For years the thought of a predator still out there haunted me and I tried to push it to the back of my mind. But I no longer can. I need to do the right thing. What if he came after my children? Or Maya.

  “No,” I say, shaking my head. “This is for the best. I need to face the consequences.”

  *

  The sound of the children playing with Miles wafts through the house. He’s taken the day off to spend with us. Leah’s belly laugh and Julian’s infectious giggle make me smile. My eyes burn as I think about not seeing them grow up, being taken away from their lives. Tomorrow’s appointment with the detectives fills me with dread.

  But I do not have the luxury of breaking down. There is too much to do. Closing the door of the study, I take a deep breath. Then another. And another. I can do this. I have to do this.

  Clicking a few keys on my phone to block my number, I quickly dial Maya. “Hello?”

  The sound of her voice almost makes me choke up, even though I’m still shocked at her stealing the investigator’s report.

  “Maya, this is Elizabeth.”

  The sound of a door closing comes from the other end of the line, then silence. “Maya, are you there?”

  “Yes, yes. Hello Mrs P.” She sounds surprised and cautious.

  “There is something I need to tell you about your biological mother.” I quickly get to the point, not wanting her to hang up. “Do you have some time this afternoon?”

  There’s a pause and I wonder whether she thinks I’m trying to bait her, whether I just want to tell her off for taking the report. “Ok,” she finally says, and I can hear the excitement and apprehension in her voice. “I can be there in two hours.”

  Looking at my watch, I walk back into the living room. Miles is on the ground tickling Leah, who is laughing so much I worry that she’s going to forget to breathe. Julian is sitting on the floor, his back against the sofa, reading. I lower myself next to my son and put my arm around him. He doesn’t take his eyes off the page but leans against me and I savour the feeling of his warm body against mine.

  The house is otherwise silent as I walk through the hallway to answer the door two hours later. The children are reluctantly taking an afternoon nap. “But Mum I’m not tired,” Julian had complained over and over. I was insistent. I needed no distractions and wanted Miles to be with me when I talked to Maya. “Are you sure?” my husband had asked. “Yes,” I’d responded. I needed someone to act as a witness in case this exchange was brought up in court and it did not feel right to ask Luigi.

  “Come on in,” I tell her, looking nervously towards the McBrides’ house, hoping that Ellen won’t see her walk in and storm over. The thought of Ellen finding out sends chills down my spine. She’s going to be furious. She’d already made it very clear that she didn’t want Maya to have anything to do with our family any longer. And that’s before she knows who I really am.

  “Sit down,” I tell Maya when she follows me into the living room, motioning to the sofa and sitting down next to her. Miles comes in from the kitchen and sits on the armchair, right across from me.

  Maya looks from me to him. “Look, I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have emailed the report, but I wanted to have a copy, to be able to read it again.”

  Raising my hand, I stop her. Not that I’m not still mad at her, hurt by her actions. But it no longer seems important.

  “Maya, there is something that I need to tell you, that I should have told you a long time ago.” Swallowing the lump in my throat that is starting to make me hoarse, I look at Miles for reassurance and he smiles weakly. “When I was at university I did something stupid. I accepted a ride from a stranger. He drugged me and took me to a deserted room.”

  Her eyes open wide and I can see that she is putting the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle together. I need to hurry, continue talking, tell her everything before she figures it all out. I want her to hear it from me.

  “He assaulted me. And he was attacking me a second time when I hit him with a piece of glass I found on the ground. I hit him in the neck, meaning to defend myself, and he died.”

  Maya gasps and continues to stare at me, her green eyes blazing with different emotions. Fear, surprise, curiosity.

  “I was scared that nobody would believe he had attacked me, that they would blame me. So I ran away and never told anyone about that night.”

  Pausing, I give Maya some time to digest the information. “But a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I decided to give up the baby for adoption.”

  There’s a knot in my throat and my vision is blurry from the tears that are forming in my eyes. Blinking hard, I clear my throat.

  “Maya, that baby was you.”

  She sits still, her eyes never leaving mine, her hands clenched in her lap, the knuckles white. “Are you ok, Maya?” Miles asks and she tears her eyes away to look in his direction, her head still.

  “Why?” she finally asks. “Why did you give me up? Was it your decision or did someone make you?”

  A tear springs free and starts making its descent down my cheek. “I was scared, didn’t think I would be able to take care of a baby. I thought you’d be better off being brought up by more responsible parents. Someone who didn’t have such a skeleton in their closet.”

  “How did you find me?”

  Remembering Luigi’s warnings, I wonder whether I should answer her questions. But there’s no going back now and I need to continue telling Maya the truth. “I saw your mother at the hospital, just after you were born. I knew she was the one adopting you. She dropped her driver’s licence and I picked it up.”

  A new emotion flickers across her eyes and I realise that it’s fear. She looks at me as if she’s seeing me for the first time. Then she turns her face towards Miles. “Elizabeth wanted to make sure that you were safe, that you were well cared for, that you had a good life. She never forgot you. That’s why we moved here.”

  Maya opens her mouth as if she’s going to say something but closes it again. Her throat moves as she swallows. She brings her left hand to her face and tucks her flaming red hair behind her ear, then rubs her nose.

  “Maya, are you ok?” I ask, reaching out to touch her arm.

  She jerks back. “Don’t touch me!”

  I turn towards Miles and he gives me a watery smile.

  “I’m sorry. I know this must be a shock to you,” I tell her.

  “I… I just don’t understand. I’ve known you for all these years, even told you I wanted to find my birth mother, came to you for help. And you didn’t think you should tell me it was you? How could you?”

  “I’m sorry,” I repeat, unsure what else I can say.

  “Does Mum know?’’ Her concern for Ellen hurts me, and I hate myself for that.

  “Not yet.”

  The seconds tick by as we sit in the living room, none of us talking, as the shock reverberates between us. I will Maya to understand my actions, to forgive me, to accept that I did this because I love her.

  Finally Miles breaks the silence. “Maya, Elizabeth is going to speak to the police tomorrow. It’s important that you keep this information to yourself until then. Can we trust you?”

  She glances at him and then looks back at me. “Will you be arrested?”

  The fear of the unknown shines in her eyes and I look away, down at my hands. “I don’t know,” I say softly. “Probably.”

  “Will you be put in jail?”

  Lifting my shoulders in a shrug, I shake my head slowly from side to side. “Maybe. There are a lot of questions. It really depends on the judge and how sympathetic he or she is, whether they believe I was defending myself.”

  “But isn’t that obvious?”

  “No, unfortunately it isn’t. See, had I spoken up when it happened, allowed the police to find the evidence, then it might have been a different story. But I was scared. I acted rashly. So, I don’t know what will happen now.”

  She nods an
d I wonder whether she really understands. Whether all this is too much for a teenager to take in.

  “I have to go,” she says after a short while. She stands up, straightening her jeans-clad legs and pulling down her shirt. “Mum doesn’t know I came here.”

  As I follow her to the door I am struck by the thought that this might be the very last time I see Maya. My body starts to shake, my arms aching to hug her, hold her close to me, bury my face in her hair, kiss her sweet face. But I don’t have the energy for a rejection.

  Suddenly she turns around and looks at me. “Was that why you went to the US? So that nobody would know about me?”

  I simply nod, not knowing what else to say.

  She takes a long look at me. “The red hair. Guess I got it from you.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say, hoping to lighten the mood a little. “You have a lot to blame me for.”

  “I’ll learn to live with it,” she says. “See you around.”

  Standing in the doorway, I look at Maya walking down the street towards her house. Relief is mixed with fear. She knows. I’ve been as honest as I could. Now it’s up to her to make sense of what I’ve told her.

  Chapter 45

  By the time dawn starts breaking the next day, my head feels ragged with going over the nightmare of the past, and the unknown ahead of me. I feel more alone than I have ever done, locked in the trap I’ve created for myself.

  Unable to spend any more time in bed, I get up, select the dullest, most professional clothes I own, and lock myself in the bathroom.

  Miles is waking up when I’m finally dressed and able to face the outside world. “How are you feeling?” he asks.

  “Sick, terrified,”

  “Liz, this will be ok. You’ll feel relieved not to constantly have to look over your shoulder. To know the truth is out. The law should protect you.”

  He must be joking, I think. Does he really believe that I’m not going to have to pay a price for my encounter with John Larkin? This is a mistake. I want to tell him that, beg him to change his mind, try to explain how keeping this secret is the only option if we still want to have a life together. But it’s already too late. Other people know. It’s no longer a secret.