by H. L. Logan
“God, Jessica, I—” I choked on a moan, not thinking about what was pouring out of my mouth. “I love—” I stopped myself, realizing I’d been about to say I love you, feeling shock at my own almost confession.
“I love this, too,” She moaned back from between my legs. “I love everything about this. I never want it to end.”
Suddenly, I felt her spill over the edge, her body tensing as she moaned out my name. I couldn’t hold back anymore. It was like my body was giving in to Jess. Groaning, groping, grasping, I came with a desperate need, feeling her give in to the same pleasure as she came with my lips pressed against her pussy.
Every shudder of her body was more delicious than the last. Finally, we both lay panting in a pile of sweat and satisfaction. I nuzzled up close to her, resting my head on her chest. It rose and fell heavily with each breath and I could hear her heart drumming madly. I smiled. Something about that just felt perfect.
She trailed a hand through my hair. “I really thought I was gonna make you come first but then you… you… wow.”
I laughed. “I couldn’t let you win.”
Jess looked over at me and grinned. “I’ll get you next time.”
She led the way into the massive shower in her marbled master bath. As hot water poured down us, our hands roamed freely over one another’s skin. Jessica squirted a plop of shampoo onto my head and started rubbing it in for me.
“Hey, you’re going to get soap in my eyes.” I swatted at her.
“I will if you keep wriggling. Hold still.”
I folded my arms over my chest as I waited for Jessica to finish grooming me. Which took a long time. After she rinsed the shampoo from my hair, she felt the need to condition it. Then she wanted to rub her expensive body wash all over me. I let her. How could I not? It seemed to make her so happy to take care of people. Even these little things brought a smile to her face.
As she scrubbed the soap into my body with a fancy looking sponge, I remembered what I’d been about to say when we’d been in bed.
“I love you.”
Why had I wanted to say that? It couldn’t be true, could it? I swallowed. Sure, I loved spending time with Jessica. I loved thinking about her. And I definitely loved having sex with her. But that didn’t mean I was in love with her, did it?
Did it?
Maybe those words had just felt so natural after I’d said them so many times for the film. It was just a reflex. That must’ve been it. Yeah, that was definitely it.
“All clean.” Jessica smiled up at me from the crouched position she’d taken up to scrub my feet.
Of course she had to dry me off afterwards, and I didn’t even complain about the rough way she toweled my hair. I’d never be able to smooth it now that she’d fluffed it up, but the only one who’d see me was her, so I guess she could deal with it.
Marshmallow was already snoring on the bed when we walked back into the bedroom. Jess and I flopped into the blankets, arms around one another. I’d never felt closer to anyone in my life. Not even previous boyfriends. Maybe what I felt for her was love. As I dozed off in her arms, I knew that if I didn’t love her now, it would only be a matter of time before I did.
***
I woke to Jessica’s phone ringing. I rolled over and hid under the pillow to drown out the melodious ring tone. Jessica reached for it groggily, not even lifting her head as she said into the phone, “Hello?”
I could just barely make out a woman’s voice on the other end. I heard my name and my ears perked up.
“Me and Amelia?” Jessica sounded sleepily confused. “No, we’re not dating. What photos?”
Not dating? The words stabbed in my chest. Sure, we’d never labeled our relationship and that had been fine with me for now, but to hear Jessica outright deny it hurt more than I’d ever thought possible.
I strained my ears to catch pieces of the woman’s speech. “Holding hands at a pet store… out to dinner five times… piles of photos.”
“Amelia and I are just friends,” Jessica said between yawns. “There’s nothing to worry about.”
I couldn’t listen anymore. I pressed the pillow against my ears to drown out everything Jessica was saying. After what we’d done last night, after what I’d almost said to her, she wouldn’t even admit that we were dating?
She finally got off the phone and cuddled up to me. I pulled away, only for her to scooch close again. I sat up, throwing the pillow off the bed.
“Who were you talking to?” I asked.
“My publicist,” she said without opening her eyes.
“Why did you tell her we’re not dating?”
She finally opened her eyes, looking concerned and even a little scared. “Because… we’re not?”
“Then what the hell do you call this?” I gestured between our naked bodies.
“We’re just… really good friends.”
“What the actual fuck, Jess?”
“Look, I don’t date co-stars, okay? There’s too much risk of a relationship blowing up and ruining the movie.”
Did she really think that calling this something other than dating would change the fact that we had real feelings for each other? At least… I had real feelings for her.
“I think I should go.” I stood, grabbing for my clothes.
“Amelia, I’m sorry.” She moved to wrap her arms around me, but I pushed her off.
“It’s not because of that.” I sniffed, rubbing my eyes. “My allergies are flaring up.”
“Are the shots not working?”
“I need to go.” I pulled my pants on and slipped into my shirt. “And I mean, it’s not like we’re dating, so there’s no reason for me to stay and hang out.”
“I hurt your feelings.” Jessica sat on the edge of the bed, face crestfallen.
“No, I get it. I get the sad, fake world you live in. You lie to the public, you lie to me, and hey, now you’re even lying to yourself. Great job, Jess! You’re really succeeding in the world of acting.”
I took one last look at the shocked pain in Jessica’s face, feeling my own stomach twist with agony at how I’d hurt her, then I tore open the door and stormed out.
18.
Jessica
“Amelia!” I shouted as I ran down the street. She was already way ahead of me, practically jogging. “Would you just wait a minute?” I panted after her. “I’m sorry. I just want to talk to you.”
I sped up, bare feet slapping against the hot pavement. Amelia moved faster too. Geez, this would make for a bad photo-op if anyone happened to be around to catch it. I probably shouldn’t’ve been chasing her, and I definitely shouldn’t’ve been chasing her in just my underwear and the oversized t-shirt I’d snatched off the floor, but I couldn’t let her go after the hurt I’d caused her.
“I’m sorry I was a jerk,” I said between panting breaths. I was right behind her now, both of us running.
“Would you leave me alone?” Amelia snarled.
“It was stupid and inconsiderate of me to say we weren’t dating. The truth is, you’re so important to me, Amelia.”
She stopped so fast that I knocked into her, barrelling her over. I had just enough time to grab onto her and twist onto my side mid-fall to keep her from whacking her face on the sidewalk. Her weight crashed down on me. Pain seared up my arm as my bare skin hit the pavement, scraping against it brutally.
“Holy shit, are you okay?” Worry replaced all the anger on Amelia’s face.
I winced as I sat up, hand going to my upper arm and coming away bloody. “Guess that’s what I get for chasing people down the street.”
“It’s certainly what you get for chasing people in your underwear.” She extended her hand to help me up. I took it and didn’t let go. She still had that fuming energy, but I’d won her sympathy for now.
“Did you mean what you said?” she asked. “About me being important to you?”
“Every word.”
“Let’s get you cleaned up.” She frowned.
“We can talk about this afterwards.”
Amelia helped me hobble back into the house. Then she told me to sit on the edge of the tub while she played nurse, carefully cleaning off my scrapes with a wet cloth and applying antiseptic. By the time she was done, the raw skin running down my left arm and leg didn’t even hurt anymore.
“The makeup crew is going to murder me on Monday.” I shook my head at the mess I’d made of myself.
“It’s weird.” Amelia’s brows closed in. “The way everything you do, every little action you make, has to be considered for how it will affect your career.”
“About what I said.” I chewed my lip. “It was beyond stupid. I’d been denying that we were dating in my mind because I was so scared that if we were dating, we could break up and the fallout could ruin the whole film.”
“I know how important this movie is to you.” She nodded, but still looked uncertain.
“But denying a label can’t change the way I feel about you. And what I feel for you is, well—” Amelia’s face looked so expectantly that I didn’t know how to finish my sentence. How could I describe everything she made me feel?
“It’s intense,” I finally finished. Amelia’s face seemed to fall just a bit. I wasn’t sure why she looked disappointed, but I added, “And amazing. And I don’t want it to end.”
“But your publicist thinks it should?” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“Well, no, that’s the thing.” I stood up, excited. “Turns out there’s been a lot of online excitement with people speculating that we’re dating. This movie’s getting huge attention!”
“So now you want to tell people we’re dating because it’d be good for your career.” She went silent for a moment before finally saying, “I’m not sure how to tell what’s real with you, Jessica.”
“You’re not serious are you?” I took her hands in mine and looked into her eyes. “You don’t really doubt the way I feel for you, do you?”
She looked down at the floor for a long time before finally saying without looking up, “It’s hard to tell sometimes. Like you said, this business can wreck your ability to truly connect with people.”
I inhaled a sharp breath, pulling Amelia into my arms. I’d been so horrible for denying our relationship. I wasn’t sure how she would ever forgive me, but I had to start somewhere.
“Will you let me take you out today?” I begged. “I want to show the whole world how much I care about you.”
Amelia looked hesitant before finally nodding. “As long as you put some pants on.”
***
I took Amelia to an amusement park that afternoon. I hated roller coasters, but I knew she loved them and I would’ve done anything to make her happy. I just wanted her to give me another chance to show how much I cared about her.
Admitting to myself and everyone else that Amelia and I were dating felt amazing. I’d always been self-conscious about grabbing her hand or kissing her in public before, but now I went for it whenever I wanted. Which was most of the time.
As we walked into the amusement park, three camera phones popped out to snap photos of us. I smiled and waved, holding on tight to Amelia’s hand. In a few days, every magazine would be plastered with photos of our interlaced fingers.
“You sure are liking this attention,” she noted, shifting uncomfortably as she took in all the eyes directed at us.
“I love having our relationship out in the open.” When I saw her lips press into a line, I asked, “Don’t you?”
“So now that the public’s called it a relationship, it’s a relationship?”
“Are you still upset?”
“No... I dunno.” She didn’t seem happy, but didn’t look like her usual serious self either. She just looked… sad.
“Let’s get some cotton candy!” I said excitedly, knowing that Amelia had an uncontrollable sweet tooth. The cotton candy actually seemed to do the trick. As we waited to get on the largest rollercoaster in the park, Amelia’s bad mood melted like the sugar in her perfect mouth.
“If this cotton candy were white,” she said between bites, “it would look just like Cleo.”
I snorted a laugh. “Maybe we should bring some home for her.”
“Jess.” Her expression turned to alarm. “You can’t feed dogs cotton candy.”
“I was joking.” I ruffled her hair and heard the snap of a camera somewhere in the distance. She batted my hand away and took the comb from her pocket to smooth her hair back out. My lips quirked into a smile.
Ahead of us, the attendant signaled for us to board the roller coaster. As we waited to be buckled in, I could already feel my stomach beginning to drop. I swallowed, telling myself I was doing this for Amelia. I took her hand in mine and heard the snap snap snap of several more cameras.
“Why are you being so touchy with me today?” She pulled away, keeping her eyes averted from the cameras.
“Can’t a woman be touchy with her girlfriend?” I said loud enough for anyone around us to hear.
Her eyes went wide. She was about to open her mouth when the car jerked forward, cutting her off. The light around us disappeared as we slid into a tunnel, the the darkness filling with the slow tick tick tick of the cars ascending the track.
“Will you tell me something honestly?” Amelia whispered into my ear. “Would you have called me your girlfriend if it were just the two of us? No cameras. No one to gossip online.”
“Of course!” I held on tight to her hand as we tipped back further, mounting higher and higher in the pitch darkness, my stomach preparing to drop out of my body.
“It’s just, you say one thing when we’re alone and another thing when we’re in public.”
“What I said when we were alone was wrong.” I stroked her hand, silently begging her to forgive me. Maybe getting involved with Amelia had been a bad call, but I couldn’t bring myself to regret it. I wished I’d just accepted our relationship for what it was instead of being an enormous ass. Amelia was so sensitive. I should’ve realized how badly I could hurt her.
Anything else I could’ve said was silenced by the sudden jolt of the car. Wind rushed through my hair. I gripped Amelia’s hand tight as we sped through the track, twisting and flipping at a dizzying pace. I wanted to be sick. I wanted this to be over. My head spun as we finally jerked to a stop.
“Well, today has been quite the ride.” I laughed, squeezing Amelia’s hand, wanting to feel her squeeze back, but she just looked at me with uncertainty.
We unbuckled ourselves and stood, and from the corner of my eye, I saw a camera coming out, so I went for it, taking Amelia by the waist and pulling her into a deep kiss. When this photo was plastered over every magazine in the country, Amelia would know she was the most important thing in the world to me.
Except instead of melting into the kiss, she pulled away.
She kept her eyes on the ground as she said, “Maybe we should just head home.”
19.
Amelia
Jessica looked shocked and hurt, but she covered it quickly, smiling for the camera that’d been snapping photos of us kissing. Jessica always smiled for the camera.
“We could go out for dinn—”
“I feel a little sick,” I cut in. “I just want to go home.”
It wasn’t a lie. I did feel sick. But not from the rollercoaster. It was Jessica’s actions that were making my stomach uneasy.
Just hours ago, she’d completely denied our relationship and now as soon as the cameras were ready, she couldn’t keep her hands off me. She’d even called me her girlfriend.
Girlfriend.
I wanted to cry. Because it felt so good and so horrible all at once to hear her say that. I couldn’t tell what was real with her any more.
She took my hand in hers as we walked out to the parking lot and I didn’t pull away, because I just wanted to hold on to her. Even as I was waking up to the fact that none of this had been real, I was still clinging to the warm, happy dream. The dream where J
essica might’ve loved me back.
“Are you okay?” she asked when we were in the car, driving back to her house.
“Can you actually take me to my apartment?”
Her lips pressed together as she made a quick turn. She was silent for a minute before asking, “Are you mad at me?”
I’m not mad at you, I’m in love with you, I wanted to say, but couldn’t, because I wasn’t ready to face whatever she might say. If she said, “I love you too,” could I trust her after her denial this morning? And if she didn’t say it back…
That morning when she’d denied our relationship so easily, I’d felt the cracks running their way through my heart, and now, it felt like I was barely holding it together until I could be alone.
“Amelia?” She cut into my thoughts again. “Can you talk to me? Is there anything I can do to make whatever this is better?”
I closed my eyes and took in a deep, painful breath. “I think your no-dating-co-stars policy was the right call.”
“What?”
Was the hurt in her face real? I looked out the window so I wouldn’t have to face that question.
“I think it’s a mistake for us to date. To hang out. To...” I’d been about to say fuck, but a lump in my throat cut me off. It hadn’t been fucking to me. It’d been something so, so much more. And I never wanted it to end.
But it had to.
“You were right. This could all fall apart and ruin the movie.” My voice dropped so that it was barely a whisper. “Especially if one of us develops feelings that the other doesn’t share.”
Jessica’s eyes went wide. “Are you saying—”
“I’m saying I don’t want to do this anymore.” My hands balled into fists and I willed myself to get angry. For any emotion to replace the pain and sadness cutting through me. But for the first time, my temper had left me and I just felt crushed.
I dared a glance back at Jessica. Her face had gone completely blank, like she couldn’t comprehend what I was saying.