Diva Diaries

by Janine A. Morris

  She put her hand over the phone, and said, “I don’t know what the hell you’re still doing here—you need to get out, too.”

  There was no answer on Chrasey’s phone—she may have still been on her way home. She tried her other phone, and by then Tony had put on his boots and started to walk out. No answer on Chrasey’s other phone, either. She was getting ready to call Jordan when she broke down in tears at the sound of Tony’s exit.

  “This has been going on for too long. I feel like I am still a wild college girl trying to have some fun,” Dakota said aloud to herself. She stood there looking in the mirror, and she didn’t like what she saw looking back at her. It’s a horrible feeling not to be able to face the world, but an even worse feeling not to be able to face yourself.

  “I am thirty-one years old and a grown-behind woman. There is no reason for me to be having threesomes and catfights, there just isn’t. I haven’t done this stuff since I was in college, and I should be ashamed of myself not to be past that,” Dakota spoke out loud to herself as tears streamed down her face. “I should be settled down with one man by now, and I shouldn’t feel the need to have to do this stuff to keep him. What is wrong with me?”

  The guilt and shame had gotten the best of her. She stood leaning on the bathroom sink with buckets of tears rolling down her face. Her soul was crying out—she knew she had some major things in her life to change. She was in a world of make-believe. A world of anything goes. She was constantly pretending that her life was just what she wanted. She equated her loneliness to freedom, and her promiscuity to sexual expression; but she knew deep down she was leading an empty life, one where she had to share the man she was most committed to, and she never knew when her turn was. Dakota was starting to feel that her sexy single life was becoming stale, and if she didn’t have something more to live for, she would just die inside. This incident just reinforced that for her. She was aware that she thought and lived outside the box, but even she knew that having a fistfight with one of your friends from college at the age of thirty-one was just downright ghetto. Besides, every woman knows the rule: you don’t fight no woman over no man, and if you ever have to lose your cool, the man is the one you go after. Dakota came off as that insecure female who was always blaming the woman instead of her man.

  “Lexia, she’s no real loss as a friend—she was definitely on a different level than I am, and that girl is nothing but trouble. We are not in Iraq—I can’t tolerate my man having free access to two women and I’m supposed to be comfortable with that,” she murmured, trying to justify her reaction to herself.

  As for Tony, she knew she had given up so much of herself for him. She put her pride aside and accepted things she knew she shouldn’t have. She just couldn’t believe that he would do something like that to her—he should’ve known better. All these thoughts ran through Dakota’s head, until she realized she couldn’t really blame them solely. Especially Tony—he was just being a man. He did what she allowed him to do. Still, the fact remained that they would never get married or have a real future. Tony said time and time again he wasn’t even sure if he ever wanted to get married. Why she had chosen to settle for that, she didn’t know. Why had she allowed him to crush her desire for more? She knew she should have kicked him to the curb.

  Dakota had made her way to her bedroom and was lying on her bed. She had allowed her depressing thoughts to take over her small frame, and she just lay sprawled out on the bed with teary eyes and a wet face.

  The crazy part was, David tried to be so good to her, but she treated him like Tony had been treating her—second hand. She was well aware that David was a good man—he would make a great husband and father, but she wanted the one who didn’t really want her.

  So typical of us dumb-woman types—then we wonder why we get dogged, she thought to herself. We always want what we can’t have.

  She guessed David was just too easy. Getting Tony to settle down would feel more like an accomplishment—he was more of a catch. David was easy—no bait was even needed. She thought the other part was that she was afraid that if he knew the side of her that most men would not want to make their wife, he would probably run, too. Still, she owed herself more.

  I am a good person—maybe I have been a little promiscuous in my time, but I am not a whore, she said to herself.

  After about ten more minutes of talking to herself, Dakota dozed off. The exhaustion from her boxing match, her tears, and her depression had finally worn her down. The next day would be when she really had to face the world, with shame, guilt, and no Tony.

  37

  Make Me Over

  One more lap to go.

  Chrasey was on her third lap around the track at Elmont High School. This was her second time here in the past week, and she was determined to complete the mile, unlike last time. She couldn’t even remember the last time she went running before this week; and even with the walk one lap, run one lap trick, she was half dead.

  The last couple of weeks Keith had been real back and forth at home. One night he was the sweetest husband, the man she married, and then other nights it was like he was back in his zone. At first she was excited about the change—she thought she was getting her husband back, but then she started to become frustrated. She never knew what she was coming home to. She wouldn’t know if she should be prepared for nice Keith or mean Keith.

  She had been trying really hard, too. Days that he would want to eat his dinner in the living room, she would sit with him. Even when he didn’t acknowledge her, she wouldn’t give up so easy; she would sit with him until they were done anyway. She would bring him a beer if she saw he was done with the one he had. She was just trying to be accommodating, even in his world that excluded her. It was either that or nothing, because most of the time he wouldn’t watch TV or a movie with her, he wouldn’t play games with her or share anything that they could call quality time. So she had to get what she could. There were some days when he would pay her some attention. They played card games once or twice, and he would come upstairs in the bedroom and watch sitcoms with her. She didn’t know what went through his head on the different nights, what caused nice Keith and what caused mean Keith.

  She started to wonder again if it was her. If she turned him off with her weight, body, and maintenance. She had decided to try to work on herself, just so she didn’t have to feel that way. She also knew that even if it didn’t make a difference with Keith, she still had Trevor and herself to impress. Ever since Trevor came in to the picture, she had felt more motivated to look good. It just felt nice, knowing that somebody would actually notice the difference. The last few times she was on a diet and lost a few pounds, Keith didn’t even notice and if he did, he didn’t care. More than likely he didn’t pay her enough attention to notice a few pounds here and there. She had to lose a substantial amount before he would comment. With the hard work it takes to drop each pound, she wanted encouragement along the way, and Keith was not the source. This time, she was looking forward to getting compliments from Trevor. She knew she could count on him for that because he would notice everything different about her every time she saw him. Her hair, her nails, weight loss, jewelry, anything. It was amazing how good it felt to be noticed.

  She was on Operation Chrasey. She even went out and bought herself some new clothes and shoes. She had been wearing a weave for a year, and had wanted to get the new fusion weave. It was really expensive, but last week she finally went ahead and got it. So with her new clothes, hairdo, and attitude, she was feeling like a whole new woman. People at her job noticed, the staff at her kids’ school, too. A little effort for yourself goes a long way—she didn’t have to feel like a stepchild when she went out with Dakota and Jordan now.

  She had been considering getting that stomach-staple surgery, but she had agreed to give the natural route just one more try. Besides, Jordan, Dakota, and Keith were adamantly against her getting the surgery. They were all caught up on the possible side effects and risks. Chrase
y’s thing was she would give it one last try the “right” way, but if her behind didn’t lose at least twenty more pounds, under the knife she went. It’s not like it was plastic surgery or anything. It was just a procedure that made the size of your stomach smaller so you couldn’t eat as much. That was all she needed, because she had no self-control on her own. When she was on a serious diet, she could sometimes lose the weight, but it was having the self-control to keep it off. Although she had already lost about twenty pounds, the loss had slowed down and she hadn’t lost one pound since. That is why she figured it was time to include exercise. So since she made the promise to try, she was back at it.

  She wasn’t really up for all the work and deprivation anymore that comes with being on a diet and exercising, but she really wanted to feel better about herself. Trevor had been really good at making her see her worth. Sometimes she thought Keith wanted her big so she could keep her low self-esteem and accept his crap—it might be his way of keeping control. This time, though, it didn’t matter—it was more about her than anyone else.

  When she was at work and she would hear a fat joke, she would always just assume it was about her. She was so self-conscious it was becoming awful to be around people. She always felt like they were thinking about how fat and nasty she looked, even if they weren’t. Her arms were like sausages and in Chrasey’s eyes, her stomach was literally disgusting. She didn’t like looking in the mirror in the morning because she was never happy with what she saw. She didn’t mind looking in the bathroom mirror or in her car mirror, where she could only see her face, because that was all she could bear half the time.

  She was tired of feeling like the odd one out, the big one, the pathetic one. Before these past few weeks, she had started to feel defeated by her circumstances. Especially after being able to enjoy her initial weight loss, she was getting frustrated that she couldn’t lose any more and was gaining some of those pounds back. Her career and her great kids were the only stability she had in her life. Her weight and her marriage were a complete disaster, and were both things that she felt she had no control over. For some reason she woke up one morning, determined not to give up. That was the same day that she went shopping and started back on her diet.

  No more low-self-esteem Chrasey—it’s all about me from now on, she thought to herself as she finished her laps.

  38

  Rebound

  This was Dakota’s third date in the past few weeks. Not booty calls but dates, and this was a lot of effort for her. She had to find a Mr. Right to fill Tony’s shoes, though. Of course, for him to fill his shoes, he had to be successful and fine, so she had a scarce crop to choose from. Lucky for her, most of her colleagues were at least successful. There was this one real good-looking record-label executive, and an all right-looking VP of marketing for a major music television channel who had asked her out once or twice. Those were her first two dates—she had called them up and told them she would take them up on their offers. The date with the VP of marketing turned out to be more of a business dinner. That was fine with her, because he wasn’t her type anyway. He was more of the professional guy who seemed like he had no real fun side. The record-label executive was more up her alley, but she didn’t get the feelings that she was his type. He was cute and all, but he wanted a girl and not a woman. At lunch, just from the things he said, it was clear he only had game for a chick that didn’t have much of her own stuff going on. Just because he wasn’t her type didn’t mean that she didn’t sleep with him, though. She was still horny—they didn’t have to get married but they could at least have one good night. He wasn’t all that good in bed, though, so she could have done without. She had also met up with Darryl, the married man from the Mirage Club. They had a good time, but she was not in the mood to share another man.

  This date tonight was with David. It had been a while since she and David had been anywhere other than her bedroom. They were on their way to catch a movie and get some dinner. He picked her up in his silver Acura, and when she came outside he opened her passenger door for her. She wasn’t used to that with Tony, but she knew David was that type of guy, so she wasn’t all that impressed. What David didn’t know was that part of him was a turn-off . She didn’t want chivalry. It came off as a weakness to Dakota. Her thing was let us just be ourselves at all times. She didn’t need a man constantly trying to impress her. She liked being the center of attention, but she wanted to feel like she had the better end of the deal. When a man was constantly trying to flatter her, she felt like he was not worthy of her because he appreciated her too much. She knew it was kind of sick, but it’s the way she thought sometimes.

  They caught a movie, and then ate at a really nice restaurant. They had a lot of interesting conversation. It was like the perfect date, just not for her. She was able to see all of David’s great qualities and what terrific husband material he was. He just wasn’t her cup of tea. She liked the guys with a little edge, with a little bad boy in them, and David was the gentleman of the year. It’s not that she wanted a roughneck—she just wanted a challenge, and David wasn’t one.

  With Tony, the excitement was knowing that when she got him it was like an award. He was something to be proud of—she had to work for him. Also, although David made good money, he couldn’t compare to Tony. She wasn’t being a gold digger, but she wanted a man with some money and power. That was one of the reasons she’d dealt with Tony so long, even if only for a little while, it was an honor to be with him. Being seen in public with him was a high. Just because he had a name and he had money, and most of the time they drew attention. The women would be jealous of her and the men envious of him. When he was playing ball, he was big, so he would get people telling him they miss him in the game, and all types of compliments. She couldn’t just get with a regular guy after being with Tony.

  By the end of her date with David, she realized there was no replacing Tony. Tony was Tony. If she wanted that kind of relationship, it would have to be him. Who is to say she would get a chance with somebody like him again? Tony was not the type of man to settle down before, like, forty, so she wondered what made her think another man like him would. Although Tony wasn’t settling down with her, either, she had already invested time and effort into him so she had a better chance of cashing in with him than she did someone new. She realized that she hadn’t been thinking straight, and she needed to get him back on the roster.

  39

  Can’t Fool a Friend

  Jayon felt uncomfortable being the root cause of Jordan and Omar’s fights these days. He asked if he could call Omar and smooth things out, but she told him that would just make things worse. When he asked if he should work from home for some weeks or months until the whole thing died down, she told him that wasn’t necessary. Her and Omar’s issues weren’t related to Jayon—it was everything to do with her and Omar. Jordan felt that if he just trusted her, and understood that she was married to the man she planned to be with forever, then none of this would matter.

  This was an ego issue for Omar, and Jordan refused to involve Jayon or anyone else in this. Jayon had been nothing but a friend to her for the past thirteen years, and just because of an incident when he was drunk, Omar wanted to act as if he had been disrespectful to their marriage. The fact that years ago she and Jay were more than friends for that short period of time was irrelevant. That was in the past, and they were grown up now, and if Omar couldn’t see that, she didn’t know what he wanted from her.

  “I can see why a male-female relationship like mine and Jayon’s, where we are so close, could be uncomfortable, but we are both respectful and have brains. We both know that as long as I am in a relationship, there is no experimenting,” Jordan said to Chrasey and Dakota.

  “Please, if he was hip, he would realize he needs to be worried about your female friends, too,” Dakota said, trying to make fun of herself and Lexia. The three of them laughed, realizing the truth in that.

  They were on a three-way call. Dakota was at h
ome in her Manhattan apartment, Chrasey was home in Queens, and Jordan was home in Elmont. None of them was up for meeting up to go anywhere, so the good old three-way call was going to have to be enough therapy for Jordan today.

  “Maybe that’s the thing, Jordan. You and Jay are only being respectful of your relationship. It’s not like Jayon is butt ugly. Omar knows that it’s just not impossible for something to happen,” Chrasey said.

  “But it’s not going to. I just pray that Omar can understand that. Omar’s gripe used to be that he felt I enjoyed being with Jayon more than him, or that I praised Jayon. Most friendships, male or female, were always a little more pleasant than a romantic relationship or marriage. That’s just because there is no shared stress between friends. At the end of the day, Jayon and I go separate ways—we don’t pay bills together or raise a child together. To compare the two relationships is ridiculous. Instead, what Omar does by being so unpleasant with me is make me need my friends that much more,” Jordan said.

  “Jordan, I must admit I am the one who is always about doing what floats your boat, but you’re wrong on this one. If the situation was reversed, you would never stand for it,” Dakota insisted.

  “Men aren’t as strong as we are when it comes to that, and females are trifling,” Jordan replied.

  “Omar probably thinks the same way, so you’re being unfair,” Dakota said.

  “On one end, I hear it is unacceptable to have a friend of the opposite sex when you’re in a relationship or married, but then it seems like Omar is being insecure and unfair. If he trusted me and our marriage, this shouldn’t be an issue ... and Dakota, you have to remember that the fact that he works with me changes the dynamics drastically. I don’t hang out with him by choice—we are colleagues,” Jordan rambled.