Diva Diaries

by Janine A. Morris

  “Do you want me to just quit my career and stay home? Would that prove to you what my priorities are?” she asked him.

  “No, Jordan, and I am watching TV. I don’t want to talk about it.”

  Of course he would say no. What man wants to be telling his woman to stay home and be barefoot and pregnant? Besides, whether he wanted to admit it or not, he got to enjoy the benefits of her career more than she did half the time. She was able to refresh his wardrobe every season from all the hot designers she knew and artists who had their own clothing lines. He never had to stress over how much money his restaurant was making, because he knew her income could cover all the bills. Without her income they couldn’t afford to live in their nice house with four bedrooms, two bathrooms, a family room, a living room, a pool and Jacuzzi, and his custom-made kitchen any chef would die to have. He could complain all he wanted, but if Jordan didn’t do what she did for a living, he would have had more stress on him. You can never make these Negroes happy.

  It wasn’t just the money with her career—it was the life that she wanted for herself. She worked hard at this career—she’d made it on her own, and she wanted to make her parents proud. Besides, she always said she wanted to be self-sufficient for her and her children in case her husband was to wild out one day and walk out, she would be independently solvent. She could pay all her bills, plus some, without Omar’s help. That made Jordan feel secure, and that’s how she liked it. The problem was if she started to put her career second and be a better wife, that could change very quickly. Damn, what’s a girl to do? Jordan thought to herself before she was snapped out of her train of thought.

  “Well, not to downplay your issues, girl, but we all have issues so you’re not alone. I’m half lesbian now, had a fight as a grown-ass woman, and lost my man in the process,” Dakota said.

  “Bitch, that wasn’t your man,” Chrasey interrupted humorously.

  They all laughed. As sensitive as Dakota was about that, she was able to laugh along.

  “Shut up. You about to lose yours, too ...” Dakota stabbed back.

  “I know, we all about to be single whores ... we may need to call Lexia back here and the four of us get this popping ...” Chrasey replied.

  “For real, Dakota. You kicked her out. She may be able to teach us a thing or two,” Jordan added.

  They all laughed.

  The three of them always had the power to laugh at their pain together. On the inside they were hurting, but together they were healed.

  42

  On the Table

  Chrasey had called Jordan and asked her if she would mind keeping her kids while she and Keith went out to talk. When she arrived to drop the kids off, she had about forty-five minutes before she had to meet Keith at Applebee’s in Valley Stream. As the kids got settled in Jason’s room, playing and bragging about who had what, Chrasey and Jordan sat down in the kitchen to some hot cocoa.

  “Now listen, Chrasey. I’m not telling you what to do, but if you want your marriage to have a shot you should be honest. You can’t live with that guilt forever,” Jordan advised.

  Chrasey’s biggest regret was how stupid she had been for talking to Trevor from her house. It was obvious she was no real player—she was nothing but sloppy.

  “Chrasey. It’s OK. This may be the best thing for you guys—it will force you to actually talk now. Now you can get everything you have been feeling off of your chest, even if he is not receptive,” Jordan added.

  “I’m scared now. I think I’ve ruined my marriage completely,” Chrasey replied.

  “Chrase, you knew all along that this was risky. You have to man up to this—it was part of the gamble. Just let him know how you feel and pray for the best.”

  Chrasey knew Jordan was right—it was a little late to chicken out now. She was far from right, but she had to hope that Keith would understand what caused her infidelity and pray that it didn’t cause her to lose her marriage. She left Jordan’s home preparing in her mind everything she wanted to tell Keith.

  She arrived at the restaurant in twenty minutes, and when she got there, Keith was surprisingly already sitting at a table. As she approached, he barely looked up at her. He was dressed in a black-and-tan, long-sleeved rugby shirt with tan khakis. Chrasey wore a low-cut purple top with dark blue jeans, and purple-and-black pumps. This was one of Chrasey’s new and improved outfits. She knew she was there to talk things over with Keith, but she was going to at least try to throw some sex appeal at him. Hopefully make him see what he had at home. With that in mind, making sure her cleavage was well exposed, she sat down across from him without saying a word. He didn’t speak and neither did she—it was definitely an awkward moment. They both just looked at the menus for the next few minutes, still not saying anything to each other. After a few moments of silence, the waiter came and took their order, and they sat there sipping on their water.

  After she had sat across from him for ten minutes, practically in silence, she decided to speak, because it didn’t look like he would. She kind of wished he would show some emotion and tell her off or something. Instead he let her suffer, not letting her know what he was thinking. So, she spoke first.

  “Sorry,” Chrasey said. It was all that came to mind.

  He took another sip of his water, and in a very calm manner said, “Chrasey, it’s a little too late for that.”

  Realizing that beating around the bush wasn’t going to do anything, she just went for it and put it on Front Street.

  “Keith, I slept with him. His name is Trevor—I met him one day at the bus stop. We have been seeing each other on and off for about seven months. We had sex a few times and we went on a few dates.”

  He didn’t react at first. When he heard her admit that she had sex with him, he gave her a look as if he was surprised that she admitted it. He had finally made eye contact with her; she had his undivided attention for the first time in a long time but was unsure she wanted it.

  “You fucked him, Chrasey?”

  Hearing him say it, her eyes began to well up. “Yes, I did. I am so sorry.”

  “Sorry? You had sex with somebody a few times and you’re sorry now?”

  “Keith, he was all I had. I was lonely and he was there.” She began to explain the situation and how empty she had felt inside for so long. She told him how he ignored her feelings, how she thought he was cheating on her, and how she didn’t mean to hurt their marriage. After all her courage was built up, she finished off by saying that all of this led to her being intimate with another man. Through the whole confession, Keith didn’t say anything—he just poked around at his appetizer and took a few sips of his beverage. Chrasey continued on, telling him about the nights that all she wanted was a little attention from him, and he would treat her like she didn’t exist. She admitted she knew she was wrong for being unfaithful, but it wasn’t for the sex—it was for the companionship.

  Keith appeared to be devastated by the truth for a moment, and then he retreated back to his nonchalant mode. Once Chrasey was done, a moment of silence went by before he replied, “I could never trust you again ... I want a divorce.”

  Her heart dropped. “Please don’t do this, Keith. I’m sorry.”

  “Well, I’m sorry, too. Your excuse is you thought I was cheating on you. Well, did it ever occur to you that I was just overwhelmed with taking care of our household and all the new changes at my job? I can’t help that you felt that way, and it was no excuse to go out fucking the first thing that gave you some attention,” he said. “No wonder I couldn’t get any.” He stood up from the table, dropped some money for his bill, and left.

  He hadn’t even waited for his food to come—now Chrasey was sitting at the table all alone, looking like a fool. She called the waiter over, canceled her order, gave him a tip, and left as well. She was embarrassed when Keith walked out—some people at other tables were looking, so she damn sure wasn’t staying.

  Once she got outside, she didn’t see Keith anywhere in si
ght. She called his phone and he didn’t answer. She hung up and tried again, still no answer. When the voice mail answered, she left a message.

  Keith, I understand that you’re upset. Walking away from this isn’t going to help anything. I will do everything I can to make this up to you and make this work. I was wrong for what I have done, but more than anything in the world, I want to make our marriage work. Please call me when you get this so we can work this out.

  It’s funny how when you’re about to lose something you suddenly realize its value.

  43

  It’s Been Fun

  This was one of those days Chrasey’s staff wished they had stayed home sick instead of coming in to work. She was in such a bad mood and was taking it out on anyone who didn’t get the hint in time.

  She didn’t mean to snap like that at her client coordinator, Ella—she just wanted to be left alone today. She woke up that way; she hadn’t been too cool since she and Keith had their talk. Her guilt had eaten at her so heavy she couldn’t even eat for the past day or two. She had made a decision on her way to work that she would officially cut things off with Trevor. Even though now she had no reason to because she and Keith would be over, she knew she could never have a relationship with Trevor. All that keeping the door open with him was doing was bringing her more confusion and pain. It was about noon, and she knew Trevor should be on his lunch hour.

  After practicing over and over what she was going to say, she got herself ready to call him. Her feelings for him had grown very strong the past few months, but since Keith found out, her feelings had subdued and she snapped back to reality. She still cared for him, though, and she knew that he was practically in love with her as well. However, it didn’t change the fact that she was a married woman, and although it was too late to change things, she should never have thought it was OK to have her cake and eat it, too.

  After a long breath, she picked up the phone to dial his number. “Trevor?”

  “Yeah—hey, babe. You OK?” He could hear in her voice that she wasn’t in the best state of mind.

  “I’ve been better. Listen, I really need to talk to you.”

  “I don’t like how that sounds,” he said.

  “I know—I don’t like how it feels, either.”

  “I already know, Chrasey—you think me and you should stop seeing each other.”

  “How did you guess that?” she asked.

  “I can tell. Ever since Keith heard me on the phone, you have been real distant. You never really told me what happened with you two, and you have barely returned my calls. It’s not hard to tell that something is wrong.”

  “Trevor, this is harder for me than I care to admit. It’s embarrassing, actually. “

  “What’s embarrassing?” he asked.

  “I’m a married woman with two kids, and I have fallen for a man seven years younger than me,” Chrasey said.

  “So, as you see, age doesn’t mean a thing.”

  “I know, but you have years to meet someone and still have a healthy marriage. I just practically threw mine away.”

  “Is Keith threatening to leave?” he asked.

  “He hasn’t been home since that night.”

  “Really? I’m sorry, Chrase.”

  “It’s not your fault. I just need time to try to get my life back together, and as soon as I get a grip on everything, I will call you,” Chrasey said.

  “Is it OK if I check up on you?”

  “I’d prefer if you didn’t, but I wouldn’t hate you if you did.”

  “Fair enough,” he said, trying not to make the situation harder.

  “OK, talk to you later.”

  “You take care of yourself,” he said.

  Just as she went to hang up, he added, “Chrasey, for what it’s worth, Keith owed you more than he was giving you. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are a beautiful person inside and out, and I would take you away from him and make you happy 24/7 if I could. Just please for me, keep that smile on your face, and don’t let this get you down.”

  Her eyes teared up, listening to his kind words. She was more than just some side piece to Trevor—he cared about her well-being. That made her feel better, that her actions were at least somewhat worth it. If nothing else, she had gained a friend.

  “Thanks, Trevor. I will remember that. I will be in touch.”

  They hung up. Damn, just when you think God has finished your story, he adds another chapter. Who would think that this late in life Chrasey would meet someone so special who would make her question her whole life? Most women think it’s all over once they are married—they think that God has delivered them their soul mate and that the rest is building their family and vacationing and retirement. They are never quite prepared to meet another man who was possibly better for them to begin with. After Chrasey hung up with Trevor, she had to question why it was that God had her marry Keith when there were men like Trevor who seemed to be so much better at making her feel special than Keith ever had.

  44

  Déjà Vu

  This was definitely a scene that Dakota felt she had seen before, but it wasn’t her imagination—it was more of a pathetic reality. Here Dakota was, waiting in bed, looking all sexy and waiting on Tony. He was probably trying to make her suffer for throwing him out that night. It had been over a month since the fight with him and Lexia. He tried to act nonchalant when Dakota called him to come over, but he said he would be there at like 3:00 P.M.

  She didn’t go all out this time, because she wanted to just discuss what happened and try to work things out. Even though she had already decided to move past the incident, she had to be clear that him lying up in the bedroom with Lexia that night was unacceptable. So, she had to put up a front for a little bit—she couldn’t have candles burning and wear lingerie saying “come get me.” So instead, she was wearing a pair of nicely fitted sweatpants and low-cut tank top. She looked casual, but she was showing off all of her assets. Her place was spotless, and she had prepared a little afternoon meal. She had made a special pasta dish that he loved, made with three different types of meat, three cheeses, and tomato sauce.

  Dakota had mulled over and over in her mind whether she should mend things with Tony, or should she just get him out of her system while she had a head start. It just seemed when she analyzed her life, he was one of the best and most enjoyable parts of it. Her job was great but it kept her on edge and stressed out. Chrasey and Jordan were good friends but they were both married, and when push came to shove, they had someone at home to kick back and enjoy life with. Her condo was perfect but cost her way too much money, and it was no fun being in it alone. With Tony, though, she could just enjoy him. Of course, sharing him hadn’t been the best situation, but for some reason what he gave always seemed to be enough. They had fun together, and they had good sex, and she didn’t ask for much more.

  Dakota wanted a companion, and maybe marriage wasn’t an option, but at least he was a substitute. David was probably the best man she had ever dealt with, with the most quality and most respect. There was just something inside of her that wouldn’t let her let go of Tony, even though she knew better.

  Dakota had been thinking that she wanted to ask Tony if he was willing to be in a committed relationship with her. He had tried to convince her time and time again that she was the only female that mattered that much to him. His daughter’s mother was just in his life because he had no choice for his daughter, but that he didn’t love her. So if this was remotely true, he should be open to Dakota’s idea. Although she wasn’t sure how he would react to her question, she wanted to ask him and see what he would say.

  Another hour had gone by, and Dakota was starting to wonder if she had given Tony too much credit too soon. It was a Saturday afternoon and she was waiting in her bed, getting more upset as the moments went by. As she waited on him, she watched one of her favorite television programs, Bridezilla, on the Woman Network. She was aggravated, upset, and horny. She paged him two times
and he hadn’t replied yet; as usual when he was pulling this, he didn’t answer his phone. She didn’t want to think of all the possible things he could be doing or why he was ignoring her call. She didn’t want to face the fact that he could have already chalked her up to past ass and wasn’t going to show up or call.

  Just as she was getting into Jaheim’s new video, her phone rang. She jumped up and grabbed her cordless phone. She checked the Caller ID first and it was Tony.

  “Hello?” she said.

  “Hey, I’m downstairs parking—open up the door.”

  “OK,” she said.

  She knew that she had a few minutes before he actually reached the door so she went in the bathroom and freshened up a bit. She cleared her face, put on some lip gloss, and fluffed her hair back. Then she went and unlocked the door and sat down on the couch.

  A few moments later he was at the door. As soon as Dakota looked up at him, it was obvious that she was impressed with what she saw. Maybe it was just that Dakota hadn’t seen him in a long time, or maybe he really was that sexy. He was wearing a pair of green-and-white sweatpants, a white polo shirt, white Air Force One sneakers, and a green-and-white baseball cap. He had a fresh shave and was wearing a cologne that she’d never smelled before but liked. He was also wearing a whole lot of diamonds, including about three karats in his ear, and about sixty karats hanging around his neck on a chain and a diamond-encrusted cross pendant.

  She stood up to greet him as soon as he stepped inside. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and proceeded to the couch as well. She sat back where she was, and for a few moments they watched the television screen as if they cared. It was very awkward for those first few moments, and then Dakota spoke.

  “Did you eat?”

  “I had a little something earlier, but I can eat again. Why?”

  “I cooked. I made my pasta meat lovers dish.”

  “Uh-oh, you really trying to make a statement, huh?”