Diva Diaries

by Janine A. Morris

  “Jason, you can stay right here,” he said to him just as calmly. Then he looked at Jordan and said, “I am going upstairs to take a shower and do some stuff. If you want to come talk to me, you can do so when I’m done.”

  She wanted to say, Who in the hell do you think you’re talking to? Did I become a white woman in the past week? Talking to me like you can say whatever you want. Instead, she remained calm, and not wanting to involve Jason, she said, “Jason, you finish watching television—Daddy and I are gonna go upstairs, OK?”

  Before she could even finish what she was saying to Jason, Omar had already headed upstairs, never really hearing what she was going to say in response to him. She was too mad to be prideful and not follow him. This nigga has disappeared for a whole week. Forget pride and saving face—I have to hear what’s on his mind, Jordan said to herself as she followed behind him. When she got upstairs and came into the bedroom, Omar had already started to pull off his shoes and socks. He was walking around like nothing had happened; he didn’t even acknowledge her standing there. She was in shock at how nonchalant he was behaving.

  “Omar, are you serious right now?” she asked him.

  “Jordan, I’m really not in the mood to talk right now.”

  Her mouth dropped. Her face had a look of shock. This was the attitude he was coming home with after he had been gone a whole week?

  After she absorbed it for a few seconds, she blurted out “You’re not in the mood? You’re not in the mood? Omar, do you think that I was in the mood to come home to a note? ... Do you think I was in the mood to hunt you down? You are my husband. Who in the hell just goes off without telling his WIFE where he is going? You have to be joking.” She said all of that in one fast breath. She was in read him, write him, and spit him out mode, and he was in trouble now.

  Omar didn’t stop what he was doing for even one second. He just took his precious time undressing and getting ready to get in the shower. After a few seconds of letting her response set in, he replied in a calm manner.

  “No, there is nothing funny. When I’m done with my shower, I’m packing some things and I’m staying with a friend for a while.”

  “What?” Jordan said.

  “I know you heard me, but if you would like me to repeat it, you will have to wait until I get out of the shower.” He said this as he stepped inside and closed the bathroom door.

  She stood there in shock. She couldn’t say anything. So much for read, write, and spit him out mode. Omar wasn’t even the least bit responsive to her mode. He was really telling her that he was only back for a little bit, and he was heading right back out. She sat on the bed thinking, trying to figure how she should go about things. Try to put her anger aside and see if they could sit down and talk this out? Or tell him the hell off for bugging out? She started to wonder if the situation had really gotten this bad and she was just ignorant of it or taking it for granted—or was Omar just overreacting? Her mind was going through 100 thoughts per minute. She couldn’t even calm down long enough to come to a conclusion before he came out of the bathroom.

  He walked right by her and reached into the nightstand to get something. It was like he wasn’t even acknowledging her presence. Her anger had started to subside; she started to wonder what he was feeling inside. Why was he acting like this? Then she realized, he should have been able to communicate with her either way. There was no justifiable reason to act like this.

  “Omar, are we going to talk or are you going to just go about your business like we don’t exist?”

  “Jordan, it makes no sense to talk to you because you don’t listen. I’m tired of talking.”

  “What are you talking about, Omar? My career, Jayon, what?”

  “I’m not talking about anything—that’s my point. I just said I’m tired of talking.”

  She was getting frustrated again. Omar had started to put more things on the bed—clothes, chef suits, and stuff.

  “What are you tired of talking about?”

  “Everything, Jordan.”

  “Omar! ... You can’t just behave this way—we are married. You have to talk to me.”

  “Fine, Jordan—talk.”

  “So you’re just going to leave?”

  “Yup ... I can’t deal with you right now.”

  “So where are you going and how long are you staying?”

  “I don’t know yet.”

  “Where have you been all this week?”

  “I went away—I took a flight to visit my father.”

  “You went to Georgia?”

  “Yup.”

  “So where are you going right now—you have to know where you’re headed.”

  “Staying with a friend.”

  “What friend?” she asked.

  “You don’t know this friend,” he replied.

  He was clearly trying to be difficult and piss her off by not giving her any real information. He knew this would just annoy Jordan. He finished gathering his stuff and put it in a bag. He was headed downstairs, and she didn’t want Jason to see him leaving.

  “Omar, don’t let Jason see you walk out with a bag.”

  “I’ll tell him I’m going on a business trip. Don’t worry, I know what to say to MY son.”

  For some reason the anger just suddenly hit her. She had spent the past few minutes letting him rationalize his behavior and tell her what the hell was going on. “Let me just tell you something—you leave here, I can’t guarantee you will be welcome when you feel like coming back.”

  “I’m willing to take that chance.” He stopped and had a conversation with Jason, gave him a hug, and walked to the door. Once he got onto the porch, he turned toward Jordan. She was just standing there with her arms folded, looking at him with disbelief. He looked back at her with an emotionless face. A face that said this was all well thought out, and he had no hesitation about walking out that door, and he did. With a simple “See ya later,” he opened the door and walked out. Just like that.

  47

  While Supplies Last

  She didn’t quite know how she got there, but Dakota was right back in her routine with Tony. Him coming by when he could, them speaking on the phone at least every other day. Whatever he could give her, is what she had to take. Her hope of having him all to herself seemed more and more unlikely. Tony’s label was getting bigger, and so was he—right before her eyes. He signed two new acts; his first act, Shadiya, had two hit singles on the radio and BET and MTV, and she was nominated for best new artist at the BET awards. It was really good for Tony, and for Dakota, too, since Touchdown Records was a client of hers. It was just that the more he dealt with that, the less he dealt with Dakota. It was enough to share him with his daughter’s mother, but she knew he was getting friendly with more and more girls.

  They went to a party earlier in the week, and there was a woman there that she knew he’d had sex with. Dakota could just tell by the way they were dealing with each other, and the way she was looking at her. She didn’t care, though; Dakota’s look back at her said, You see who he is here with, right? This type of stuff was common when you were hanging out with Tony, but a lot of these women were from his all-star pro-football days. Dakota knew the woman wanted him and wanted to be her, so she didn’t mind.

  There were things, though, about their situation that she just couldn’t take. Last night Tony came by to spend the night with her. After having a few drinks and watching a porno, they got into some real good, kinky sex. He was flipping her around the bedroom, she had some toys out, and they were both hot and sweaty. By the time they were done, she’d had two orgasms, and he’d had three. Once they were finished, they just lay in the bed butt-naked and relaxed. After about ten minutes, his phone rang. He took the call, had about a two-minute conversation, and ended it with, I’ll be there in a bit. Dakota immediately got upset. When he hung up the phone, he explained that his old teammate was stuck on the side of the road and he needed Tony to come get him. She tried to remain calm and said OK,
but it was hard. She knew that she’d heard a female voice through his phone.

  She wasn’t sure how much longer she and Tony would last. She wanted him as her husband if possible; she just didn’t know how long she could tolerate this little of him. On nights like these, she wondered what was in it for her anymore, other than the good sex.

  48

  All Alike

  I just can’t believe this is happening to me,” Chrasey said.

  She still wasn’t used to waking up in her bed without Keith next to her. Every morning was a harsh reminder of what was going wrong in her life. Her marriage was in a terrible state to begin with, but she didn’t imagine it getting worse. She definitely didn’t imagine getting a divorce. Since they had lived together in such turmoil all this time, she just thought they would stay that way, for better or worse.

  “Girl, this will work itself out. He is just mad right now,” Dakota consoled to Chrasey on the phone.

  “I don’t know. It wasn’t like we were happy to begin with—this just confirms for him that our marriage isn’t going to work. Besides, he already said he wants a divorce, and it really did sound like he meant it.”

  “I don’t know what is wrong with these men,” Jordan interjected.

  Dakota, Chrasey, and Jordan were sitting at home on a three-way call. They were making plans to meet up for dinner later and got caught up in their conversation.

  “They just need time to calm down, and eventually ... hopefully they will come to their senses. With Keith, maybe he will finally realize the things he did and didn’t do that caused you to step outside the marriage,” Dakota declared.

  “I know it’s too late to say this, but there really is no excuse for stepping out ...” Chrasey started to say.

  “Yeah, you’re right. It’s too late for that now, because you wasn’t saying that when Mr. Trevor was doing you right ... and don’t even front like you don’t miss him, because he had you open,” Dakota said quite frankly.

  After a moment’s hesitation, Chrasey replied, “I do. That’s the crazy part. I don’t know who I miss more.”

  “Well, maybe that’s what you need to do. Maybe you need to realize what you really want. Figure out whether you really want your marriage and if it’s the right reason, because maybe Keith is right then, and maybe it is time to let go.”

  Jordan hadn’t said much the whole conversation. She was in a weird place and didn’t really know what to say about anything. It wasn’t like Jordan to be at a loss for words, but her feelings toward everything had her mind racing, and it was too many thoughts to share. So she just remained quiet, trying to figure out her own thoughts. She was paying only slight attention to the conversation.

  “Jordan, what do you think? You think Keith and Omar ran away together?” Chrasey asked, trying to find some humor in the situation.

  “I wish I knew, Chrase. At least you know Keith’s exact issue. Omar just up and left—I don’t know what is on his mind.”

  “Yeah, but at least you know Omar just needs some time to get over it. Keith has every right to walk away.”

  “According to Omar, so does he.”

  “Look, fuck them both, and my part-time boyfriend Tony. It can just be the three of us—we don’t need their asses,” Dakota blurted out.

  They all laughed.

  “That’s right—what do they do for us, anyway, but cause us heartache and insecurity,” Chrasey said.

  “Yeah, I know. Mine can’t even appreciate a good, strong black woman—wants to make everything an issue. He acts like a girl, with the little fits he throws,” Jordan said.

  “Well, let them walk out, disappear, threaten divorce, all of that. We will just have our time, too,” Dakota said.

  It sounded good, but all three of them knew they wanted their men back. Dakota was trying to convince herself that she didn’t need Tony, and she wasn’t even married nor did she have a kid. Jordan and Chrasey had a lot more to consider—they didn’t spend all that money on those weddings, share their lives with and have kids with their husbands just to let them go that easy. So although it was a cool thought to talk some sister strength and how we can do without them, they all knew they didn’t want to.

  “Look on the bright side—we all have reserves if we need them. I have a phonebook full, Chrasey, you got Trevor, and Jordan, I know you may not really have anyone, but Jayon always fits the bill quite nicely,” Dakota offered. She laughed at her own comment, and Chrasey joined her. Even Jordan started to laugh at that one.

  “Shut up, ’Kota, I will be just fine. I know that Omar better have his butt home before I need any of that.”

  “Just don’t forget, in case of emergency, break the glass.”

  A few minutes later they got off the phone. They had managed to make each other laugh and feel a little bit better about their situations. That’s what they were there for, to be that shoulder to cry on.

  When they were in college, they used to have a sisters’ soiree Saturday once a month. It was with their friends from school, but they were the three organizers. They would share their stories about guys on campus, their boyfriends and whatever else was going on. The rest of the group would give advice, and make jokes and whatever else. The purpose of this meeting was to keep each other cheered up and looking on the bright side. It used to really do wonders for all the girls that came, because even if it didn’t solve their problems it gave them a chance to laugh and see that they weren’t the only ones with issues. That was in college, but even as grownups, it still helped to have their sisters’ soiree, even with just the three of them.

  49

  Friends That Pray Together, Stay Together

  It had been a rough week. Today would make a full week since Omar packed up his stuff and left. It hadn’t quite hit Jordan yet that this could be something permanent, and it hadn’t been easy, either. This was typical of Omar, though. When they were dating he would just not call or come by for weeks until he got over his anger. He would hang up the phone in the middle of arguments and just not be heard from for days. He had this habit of running and hiding—and he just thought when he was over it everything would be cool. Jordan used to tell him back then that it was the most selfish behavior. He had a partner, and that wasn’t acceptable. He would apologize, they would get back together, but when the going got tough he would do it again.

  So this didn’t surprise her, but it still had her very pissed off. Not to mention their child, who was being affected. He spent most of the evenings with her mother until she came to pick him up. It was a different routine for him, and he was used to having Omar around.

  It was Sunday, and Jason and Jordan sat in church like most Sundays. This morning she was really praying that the pastor would give her some words of encouragement to get through this. She was clapping and praising, and trying just to become one with the Spirit. In church she always got the message that everything was going to be just fine, and she was trying to engrave it in her brain. She had got so engrossed listening for the message that she didn’t even see Jayon excusing himself down the pew until he reached her and sat beside her.

  “Hey, Jayon,” she said. She was beyond happy to see him.

  “Hey, J,” he said as he patted Jason on the head.

  Jordan had no idea Jayon was coming here—they hadn’t talked since Friday at work. He knew that she usually went to church on Sundays, and what church she went to; it seemed that he just decided to pop up and look for her.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked.

  “I’m coming to praise the Lord,” he said sarcastically. “How you holding up?” he whispered as he patted Jason on the head again.

  “I’m hanging in there,” she whispered back, trying not to speak too loud to annoy the people sitting around them.

  He looked in her eyes and saw pain. Then he patted her leg as if to say I’m here for you. After he conveyed his silent message, he looked forward toward Rev. Flake; he was preaching about the quality of life. Jason sat the
re scribbling on the tithe envelopes, and she sat there receiving her message for the week. She also realized that despite what Omar may have conjured up in his mind, Jayon was a great friend and helped her quality of life.

  Church let out about 1:10, and as they exited the pew she heard Jayon ask Jason if he wanted to go to IHOP. That was the setup—ask Jason, because of course he would say yes. Once Jason was eager to go, Jordan, too, agreed. She put Jason in his booster seat, jumped in the driver’s seat, and followed Jayon down Merrick Boulevard. It tickled Jordan how Jayon knew the neighborhood so well. Jayon was from the Bronx, but he had spent so much time in Queens since they’d met back in college, he knew the area like it was his own. They pulled up to IHOP and of course, like most IHOPs on a Sunday afternoon, it was crowded. She told Jayon they didn’t have to wait, that Jason would be just fine, but he insisted. He claimed that he didn’t want to make an empty promise to Jason, but she had a feeling he really wanted to pick her brain.

  They finally got seated after half an hour, and now she was really hungry, too. They ordered their breakfasts and she and Jason sipped on chocolate milk while Jayon sipped on orange juice. Once their meals were ordered, and Jason was busy coloring, Jayon looked at Jordan and said, “You have been on my mind all weekend.”

  “I’m fine, Jay, really.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re trying to remain tough but this isn’t court—it’s OK to show emotion.”

  “Listen, Jay, I’m pissed, if you want to know, but I can’t let it stop me.”

  “I’m not saying it should stop you, but take a minute to address it.”

  “What is there to address? That I married a big child who can’t take the heat?” Jayon looked over at Jason, and she caught herself.

  “See, I don’t want to talk about this.”

  “Jordan, he is doing what he feels he needs to do,” Jayon said dangerously, defending Omar.

  “Exactly, and not what we need to do. It’s always been about him, and I see that now even more.”