Diva Diaries

by Janine A. Morris

  Just as Jordan got tired and was about to sit down, Lenny started playing her jam “Be Without You,” by Mary J. Blige. She immediately started back on her one-two step. A verse or so into it, she thought she heard her bell ring over the music. She turned it down a bit, and there it was again. She walked through the living room, through the porch, and to the door.

  “Who is it,” she asked.

  “It’s Jay.”

  She opened the door and Jayon was standing there with bags in his hands.

  “What are you doing here?” She said, excited to see him.

  “I went food shopping and picked you up some things,” he said as he went to put the bags in the kitchen.

  As he walked by Dakota and Chrasey and threw them both a “what’s up,” they both turned and looked at Jordan. She knew what they were thinking and what they were going to say the minute he was out of hearing distance. To avoid them and their smart comments, she followed Jayon in the kitchen.

  “I didn’t know you had company,” he said.

  “You didn’t even know I was home.”

  “Where else would you be? You weren’t at work, so you’re home,” he said.

  “Are you trying to say I have no life?” she asked, humored.

  “Was I right? You’re at home.”

  “But I have my girls over.”

  “OK, fine—you have a little life.”

  Jayon used to always say Jordan was a homebody and a social bore. He didn’t know what he was talking about. Just because he used to go out quite often, he would assume anybody who went out only once every month or two was lame. She’d say the people who live in the club have no life.

  “What made you bring me groceries?”

  “I just figured that you had to do everything these days, and since I was already at BJ’s, I figured I would pick you up some things.”

  “That was so sweet of you, Jay,” she said as she reached over and gave him a hug.

  “You know I got to make sure my girl is OK.”

  She knew what he meant by “my girl,” but it just sounded strange coming out of his mouth. She did have to wonder what would cause Jay to drive all the way over here with some groceries, unannounced. Did he not fear what would happen if Omar had come home and she didn’t get a chance to call and tell him? It kind of made her wonder. First church, then her house—she wondered if Jayon was getting too comfortable with her single status.

  They walked back to the living room and joined Dakota and Chrasey.

  “So, what’s up, ladies?” he asked as he gave them kisses on the cheeks.

  “Nothing much, just chilling,” Chrasey said.

  “Well, let me leave you ladies to your men-bashing party,” he said as he walked toward the door.

  “We aren’t men-bashing—we are having a good old time just fine,” Dakota said.

  “You can stay, Jay,” Jordan said as she saw him get closer to the porch.

  “Nah, I don’t want to crash,” he said.

  “You’re not—you drove all this way, you might as well stay,” she replied.

  “How about I’ll go check my boy in Laurelton and then when I’m done I’ll call you—if you’re still up, I’ll come back by and we will watch a movie.”

  From the corner of her eye, she saw Dakota look at Chrasey as if to say, What the hell is going on here?

  “OK, that works,” Jordan said.

  “See you, Chrase—see you, D,” Jayon said as he walked toward the porch. They got to the door, and he turned to give her a hug good-bye.

  “I’m going to be waiting up for you,” she said.

  “Make sure you do,” he said as he kissed her on the forehead.

  He stepped out the door and she watched him until he pulled off. She felt like she was in junior high school and he was her crush. She wanted to lean against the door after she closed it behind him. Once she got back in the living room, both Chrasey and Dakota were looking at her like they were waiting for an explanation. She didn’t know what to tell them. There was nothing to tell. She knew what they saw and what they were thinking. She didn’t know what it was herself. All she knew was that Jayon’s presence had kept her going throughout this thing with Omar. It’s like she knew that Jay would never let her down. Any night she was hysterically crying, he would just sit on the phone with her and listen for hours or drive over to be with her and bring her and Jason ice cream. There were some nights she felt bad for leaning on Jay’s shoulder so much—she would tell him that he didn’t have to feel bad if he didn’t have the time to help her. She wondered if it was out of guilt, and she told him that he wasn’t obligated to be there for her. He would always say that’s not the case, and that he wanted to do it.

  Dakota was the first one to ask, “Something you want to tell us, miss?”

  “I know what you’re thinking—it’s no different than before. He is still my homeboy,” Jordan answered.

  “What’s your homeboy doing popping up, and then what’s he coming back for later tonight?” Chrasey said, instigating.

  “He has been around a lot—you know, making sure I’m good.”

  “I bet—making sure you’re good how,” Dakota asked devilishly.

  “Not in that way, but I will tell you—soon I’m going to need him for that, too,” she said laughing.

  “Omar better get it together,” Chrasey said, laughing along.

  Omar was still bugging her. He still hadn’t called or come by, and he didn’t seem to care either way. She had called him at least three times this week and he still hadn’t called back. She knew that Chrasey was right—she wasn’t planning for anything to happen; hell, it’s the last thing that she and Jayon wanted to do. Still, she couldn’t put her finger on it, but something was different between the two of them.

  57

  Hello There

  It didn’t take a gay man to see that Dakota put no effort into her appearance this Saturday afternoon. She had on saggy green Capri sweats, a baby blue tee, white sneakers with a red stripe, and last night’s makeup and uncombed hair. No one said you have to be in tip-top shape at all times, but she just looked a hot mess.

  She figured she was in Jordan’s neighborhood, so she wouldn’t know anybody and would probably never see them again. But just when you hope you don’t see anyone you know, you see someone you wish you did know. He was six-three, slim yet thick, and brown-skinned, just like she liked them. You could tell through his fitted T-shirt that he was slightly muscular and his eyes ... with just a glance she was mesmerized by his light brown eyes. He was the type of guy you only see in movies, and here he was, walking out of Pathmark on Elmont Road. Tony had nothing on him. As fine as she thought Tony was, he would be the ugly friend hanging out with this guy.

  She quickly put on her sexy strut and threw him an inviting stare. He didn’t really gaze back; he gave her a slight smile and turned away. Then she remembered her color coordination looked like a bag of M&M’s. The way she looked, she knew he wouldn’t pay her no mind. As she wanted to kick herself for not fixing herself up, he walked right by her like she wasn’t even the diva that she was. Hey, you win some and you lose some, she thought to herself. But as she grabbed her cart and continued toward the supermarket, she decided she couldn’t let him get away. She had to at least try.

  “They don’t come like that anymore,” she mumbled to herself as she turned back around, facing the parking lot. Her eyes scanned the lot, and she spotted him putting the groceries into his trunk.

  As comfortable as Dakota was with taking charge, for once she was shy, she was nervous. His good looks were actually intimidating. She started thinking he probably likes those real petite, light-skinned girls with wavy, long, real hair. As she started to discourage herself, her diva-ness said, Girl, he is fine. You won’t need Tony. You can show him off at every event you go to for the next year. Besides, if she bagged him looking the way she did, she would know she was bad.

  She quickly pushed her cart back toward the rest of the
m, and she walked over to him. Just as he was finishing unloading his groceries, she placed her hand on his empty shopping cart and said to him, “Do you mind?”

  He said, “Sure,” and began to walk away.

  Speak now or forever hold your peace, she said to herself.

  “So where is it?” she said.

  He turned to see if she was talking to him.

  “Where is what?”

  “Your number—you said sure, you didn’t mind.”

  He began to giggle. Oh, my gosh, Dakota thought to herself. He had dimples. Dimples that would make a grown man blush. She almost melted again, got intimidated, and backed out of it.

  Until he said, “This is real cute—you are trying to pick me up.”

  “No, I was trying to get your number so I could call you later.”

  “Hmm, really? So we can talk about what?”

  “Why a grown man like yourself isn’t married, and if you are, why you’re not wearing your ring.”

  “And this is your concern because ...”

  “Because a grown woman like myself should always learn about the mentality of the opposite gender.”

  “Oh, so you followed me to my car because you thought I’d be an interesting subject.”

  “Interesting is one way to put it.”

  He kneeled down, got a pen out of his car, and began writing his number down on a piece of paper. “Well, I am always for education,” he said as he handed her the paper.

  Dakota took the number, and made sure not to look at it so she wouldn’t seem too eager or excited.

  “So, will you be calling me later?” he said.

  “Yes, I will,” she said as she turned away. “And I didn’t follow you over here—I wanted your cart” she said with a devilish smirk.

  “Oh, OK. And I think education is overrated.”

  They shared a little laugh, and he got in his car and she walked off.

  She finished picking up what she needed from the grocery store, which were just some more Bacardi Breezers, chips, nuts, and other snacks for the rest of what they had termed their kickback weekend. She and Chrasey had ended up spending the night at Jordan’s because it got so late and they didn’t want to have to drive home. So when they woke up this morning, they figured why not just keep it going? It was fun, just chilling, the three of them. No stress, no work, no men, just the three sisters having a good old time sharing stories and relaxing.

  As soon as she got back to Jordan’s house, she reevaluated herself in the mirror. She definitely was looking a mess. She decided that she was going to have to see that guy again so he could see what she was really working with. Then it dawned on her—he didn’t give his name, or ask for her number or name. That was clear evidence he wasn’t all that interested. He was just going along with things. Hell, he probably gave her the wrong number. She had it all set out in her mind—in case the number was real, she would call tomorrow, just so she wouldn’t look too eager. The plan was never to look eager or desperate. Either way, she hoped the number was real so she could get a chance to meet up with him again. She wanted a chance to redeem herself, to let him see the real Dakota, and see she didn’t always dress like rainbow brite.

  She told Jordan and Chrasey about how fine he was, and what she did. They just laughed—they knew, just like Dakota did, that she was a trip. As much as she tried to preach that she didn’t need no man, she was still trying to snag one. The second she got away from the all-female retreat, she went after a man. It seemed that it was about men after all, or the lack thereof.

  58

  Prisoner at Home

  It wasn’t as if Chrasey was feeling secure about her and Keith’s situation prior to finding out about his cheating and his daughter, but now it just seemed as if every little thing made her overly suspicious. Every hang-up at home, every girl that drove by her house, everything just made her feel like it was some secretive code for Keith.

  She had been back from her weekend with the girls, and this was only the third night since Keith had come home. They hadn’t had sex yet—it would probably be a while before they felt comfortable enough for that. He was home at a decent time, and he was eating dinner at the table. He was coming up to bed early and watching television with Chrasey until he fell asleep. They weren’t speaking much—most of their conversations were very generic. It had only been a few days, and Chrasey was questioning her decision to try to forgive Keith and move on. The only thing that made her confident was how happy her kids were that he was home. They really did love their dad, and it was obvious that they preferred having him around.

  Most of the problems were obviously her own paranoia, probably stemming from her fear that Keith wasn’t completely done dealing with Lourdes. It’s not like Chrasey didn’t know that trying to recover from something like this would be hard, or that it would cause severe trust issues. It’s just that she didn’t realize how her mind would play tricks on her. She wasn’t sure if Keith felt similar to the way she did, but she knew they had a whole lot of mending to do.

  Chrasey had come up with a million questions since he had been home. Like she found it kind of strange that all that time he stayed with his friend, he was supposedly upset with her. Then as soon as she found out about his dirt, he was quick to move home. Was it that he knew that it just affirmed that he caused all their marital issues, although previously he tried to pretend that he didn’t know what she was talking about? Was it that he was never that upset to begin with, because he had no right to be? Was he actually happy when he found out about Trevor because he felt like at least it would lessen his own screwup? She wasn’t sure what it was that her finding out did for him, but she definitely noticed that he dropped the Trevor issue almost instantly. He wouldn’t dare bring it up now, because all that would do is give her room to bring up the child he shared with his previous mistress.

  She knew deep in her heart that although he claimed to be done with Lourdes, he had to have some dealings with her because he had to have some role in their child’s life. She wasn’t sure if she could deal with that and still pretend that everything was back to normal. She started to wonder if she should handle her suspicions and keep her sanity the way she did before, by indulging in some dirt of her own. She knew it had helped nothing, but it did lessen her fear and make her feel guarded from getting hurt.

  The uneasy vibe in their house was getting worse and worse every day. She was beginning to feel like she couldn’t even be comfortable in her own home. She would get home about 5:45 every night and begin preparing dinner. Keith would arrive at about 6:45 and start watching television and helping the kids with their homework. To the kids it looked like everything was back to normal, but Keith and she could feel it. He tried to sleep in the bed with her every night—she guessed it was an attempt to make things better, but it was clearly uncomfortable. They barely touched in the bed, and when they did by mistake, they would quickly readjust themselves. They wouldn’t talk to each other, really; Chrasey would read a book and Keith would watch television until they were both ready for sleep.

  There was a sense of precaution; it was as if everything was being monitored. Through the evening if he went upstairs too long while she was cooking, she would make an excuse to go up there. If she was on the phone, he would “accidentally” pick it up to use it. They didn’t trust each other, and it showed. They hadn’t discussed it or even tried—they basically pretended like it wasn’t an issue. The positive part was that both of them had a trust issue—neither of them was suffering alone.

  The way they were watching each other’s every move and were doing things tit for tat had become a game of chess. It wasn’t supposed to be a game, though, it was supposed to be a marriage—and Chrasey really desired the life that she had always envisioned for herself. That life included the term “happily married.” She didn’t know if that was possible anymore. She wasn’t sure if there was a way for them to overcome the damage and one day be happy again, or if she should never have told him h
e could come home.

  59

  Risky Business

  The clerks were looking at Jordan, and the shoppers were whispering to each other. She was standing in Bloomingdale’s with a bunch of clothes in one hand, and her cell phone in the other, arguing with Omar. She knew she was embarrassing herself and probably should have left the store to handle this. However, she wasn’t willing to put back the two-piece power suit on sale, and she finally got Omar on the phone and couldn’t let that go, either.

  So she sat there, yelling like a madwoman, in the middle of this bougee store.

  “Our son asked me when Daddy was coming back home, Omar. Do you not see what you are doing to us?”

  “He was just with me all weekend,” Omar answered calmly.

  “So what? He was with me every night,” she replied.

  “So, it’s about time,” he said.

  “Omar, please. You are so petty. You have been gone all this time and you still won’t even have a sit-down talk with me to try to resolve things.”

  “Jordan, I have told you all that I had to say.”

  “So are you coming back home, Omar?”

  “Most likely.”

  “Most likely? What does that mean?”

  “Most likely. I will be home soon.”

  “So let me get this straight. You walk out one day, after a week you come back home for a few hours, leave again. Now it has been months, and you still haven’t sat down and told me why you left, why you won’t take my calls. You don’t call me, and you’re just supposed to most likely come back home one day.”

  “I have called there and I return your calls.”

  “You have called a few times to speak to Jason, and you only return some of the calls when I tell you Jason wants to talk to you or to tell me you’re picking him up from school to have him stay with you. Any time I try to talk to you, you say you have to go.”