Diva Diaries

by Janine A. Morris

  Then she wondered if she really meant it when she’d said on Omar’s answering machine that she missed him now, if she really meant it. She did miss him. She missed their in-depth knowledge of each other. She missed their life taking care of Jason, and all the memories they had. She even missed his masculine ways, the ones that used to drive her crazy. The way, at the drop of a hat, he would jump to her or his defense if anybody disrespected one of them. The way he would just tell it like it is; he used to call himself “the truth,” because he was always keeping it real, as he put it. There were a lot of his great qualities that she’d taken for granted, too. Like, she never realized how he knew just how how to keep her appeased. He was always taking them out to dinner or a movie, or some carnival or arcade that was in town. He would bring home movies or a new game, he would just do the simple stuff that he knew she liked. It was simple for him, and meant a lot to her. She didn’t realize it then, but now she saw those were the things that had kept them together for so long. He was never done courting her, even after all those years. She did miss him, and it wasn’t until she heard that song, though, that she realized how much.

  Jordan wanted to call Jayon and talk to him—she just needed to talk to someone who would understand, and he knew every detail of everything. However, she realized that there were just some things she was better off discussing with Jay when she wasn’t emotional. She didn’t want to make him feel like he wasn’t doing a good job of keeping her happy, because he was. Enough of a good job to get her in this predicament. The amazing part about Jayon was that he always understood this wouldn’t be easy, so he understood that she would have these doubts and fears.

  After that night at Jayon’s apartment when he asked her not to answer his phone, they hadn’t been one hundred percent the same. They had just lost their innocence and were starting to experience the downside of being more than friends. They’d had some incidents here and there, but nothing really serious.

  Instead, she called Chrasey.

  “Chrasey, I don’t know what to do,” she whined.

  “What’s wrong now, drama queen?” Chrasey asked.

  Jordan told her about the message, what the song was, and that she thought Omar left it, and why.

  “Girl, of course that was Omar, and he’s probably trying to let you know something,” Chrasey replied.

  “I know, but I’m just starting to have second thoughts and it’s scary.”

  “About leaving Omar? Or about starting things with Jayon?”

  “Both,” she answered. “I feel so low about myself sometimes, and other days I feel on top of the world. Then I’m afraid when Jayon and I start having problems, I will realize that Omar deserved another chance.”

  “Jordan, you gave Omar more than enough chances. Since college, you gave Omar chances. He almost lost you before you were engaged, he almost lost you when he got caught in all those lies, and he almost lost you all those times he wanted to play games and take those stupid breaks. This time he lost you. He never learned. He still, after six years of marriage, was pulling that taking a break without talking about it. He took it too far, which was his fault.”

  “I know, but he was my husband. Even though I know he was dead wrong, and even though I know that Jayon has been just what I needed and I wanted these past months, I am just starting to wonder if I gave up too soon.”

  “Maybe you did, Jordan, but don’t go having regrets now. You were under pressure from work and home, and Omar didn’t take one minute to think about you and what you had to deal with.”

  “But you know what, Chrasey? I’m realizing he was right. I should have put more time into my home.”

  Chrasey heard the cracking in her voice, and she knew that Jordan was emotional and meant every word of what she was saying. Jordan could tell she didn’t know what to say, because like her, she and Dakota always thought her decision was a little life-altering, and they all hoped it would work out for the best. There was fear, though, fear that it could all turn out wrong. It wasn’t as if Omar was a bad guy—he was faithful, to her knowledge—and he was a good father and husband. Since he was a young adult, he had wanted the family he never had, and Jordan guessed she had ruined his picture-perfect vision of what it was supposed to be like. Omar just lacked sensitivity. He wasn’t able to be soft when it was needed, but he was always hard, the way he grew up thinking a man should be. He was all man, she could say that. It’s what turned her on to him. She loved his machismo, and his ability to stand strong in the roughest situations. He made her stronger, even strong enough to finally leave him. She had been spending life, happy and strong enough to know she deserved it, but like the message said, she hadn’t missed him then but one day she probably would.

  105

  Too Late

  Keith and Chrasey had been working at their marriage for quite some time now. It just seemed like they couldn’t get it together. Things were just as they were before they decided to reconcile. She didn’t know what Keith was doing outside of the house, whether he was still seeing Lourdes or not. She just knew that they weren’t happy at home, either. There was too much on the table at this point. Betrayal, anger, pain, a little bit of everything that goes wrong in a relationship. They discussed counseling, but Keith pulled the “he didn’t believe in some person telling us what to do” card. If there was one thing she knew, that was if both parties don’t go willingly, it won’t work. She wasn’t wasting her time and money—all Keith would do is try to make the point that it wasn’t working. So they just left things as they were.

  It just seemed that they had exhausted their relationship. She was to the point where she didn’t care for Keith the same way. Through all of that turmoil with him, finding out about the baby and stuff, her focus was on her family and trying to work things out. However, just the fact that she drifted back into bed with Trevor was proof to her that Keith had lost her. He may not have lost her physically, but he surely had lost her mentally and emotionally.

  Chrasey was kind of thankful that Trevor was still around. The flowers, and the calls, and all the sweet messages. It was always just a matter of time before she would need that again. It kind of hurt that her husband couldn’t compete with Trevor. He didn’t even attempt to do half the things that Trevor did. She was sure he wondered if Trevor was still around, just as she wondered about Lourdes, but Keith didn’t even try to find out. He didn’t attempt to keep her away. It was like he just let Trevor creep right back into the picture. To Chrasey, it didn’t even feel like he would have cared if he did know.

  It didn’t matter to her, either. She was back in the tangled web she had woven. She just knew this time around she had to handle it better. She knew in her heart that if she didn’t have somebody on the side, she would have been even more miserable. Suffering from her own thoughts, her own suspicions, and her own fears. Chrasey knew she deserved better, so she was going to have to give herself something better, rather Trevor was going to have to.

  106

  Rise and Shine

  The sunlight from the window had done enough dancing on Jordan’s face. She could no longer attempt to sleep some of the day away. She opened her eyes slowly, and tried to focus on Jayon’s room. His television was turned to the ESPN channel, and the cable box said 11:31.

  He wasn’t lying beside her, but she could hear noise in the next room, so she knew he hadn’t left her alone in his apartment.

  She stretched and yawned, and got herself together to get out of the bed. Ever since she was a little girl and Mommy would wake her up for school, she hated the morning time. So once her sleep and dream ended, the first moments after were usually miserable. Once she pulled the covers back, she realized she had no underwear, the result of last night’s fun with Jayon. She pulled her body from under the covers and out of the bed, and walked over to his boxer drawer to get a pair to throw on to cover her behind; she still had a wife beater on, so her top was covered. She slowly pulled a pair of his blue-and-white boxers on and made her wa
y to the door.

  She walked down the hall and she could hear Jayon was in the kitchen. She stood in the doorway, and as soon as she was in sight, all eyes were on her. Sitting at the table was Jayon along with his mother and father. She was flushed with embarrassment—if she’d been white, she would have turned red for sure.

  Mrs. Mitchell said, “Hi, Jordan. How are you, sweetie?”

  “I’m fine,” she said as she walked in the kitchen to give her and Mr. Mitchell a kiss.

  She wanted to reach over and choke Jayon. Why couldn’t he come in the bedroom and tell her they were there so she wouldn’t walk into this awkward moment?

  “Hey, baby,” Jayon said as she walked back past him without giving him a kiss or any acknowledgment.

  “Hey—why didn’t you tell me your parents were coming? I would have made breakfast.”

  “They just stopped by—they were in the area, so I warmed up some croissants and ...”

  “Yeah, we are fine,” Mrs. Mitchell interrupted.

  Everyone seemed to try to ignore the fact that Jordan was very inappropriately dressed. Her wife beater didn’t hide the fact that she was wearing no bra, and Jayon’s boxers were not exactly what she would want to be seen in, especially not by Jayon’s parents. She wanted to just disappear. So, she did.

  “I will be right back,” she said as she walked out of the kitchen.

  Jayon could read her embarrassment all over her face, and followed behind her. By the time she reached the bedroom, he was there.

  “I’m sorry, baby.”

  “Sorry. I practically came in there with my butt hanging out.”

  “I know—I didn’t think. They weren’t here long. I didn’t get a chance to come tell you. Besides, I wasn’t sure when the sleeping beauty would awaken.”

  “Don’t be funny, Jay. You know what they’re thinking.”

  “J. They already know we are seeing each other now, and since we are both adults, they may assume you sleep in my bed sometimes, and that maybe every now and then you don’t make it to the morning time with all the same articles of clothing on.”

  “Don’t be funny, Jay—this is so embarrassing for me.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry, sweetie,” Jayon said as he sat beside her and hugged her.

  “Look at the bright side—all of your body parts were covered. It could have been worse, because that’s not how I left you.”

  “Ha, ha, ha ...” she said sarcastically. “Go back out there before they think you came to get a quickie.”

  “Can I?” Jay said.

  “Get out of here, “ she said, pushing him toward the door.

  As he laughed his way out, she sat there trying to shake off the embarrassment. She had loved Jayon’s parents since they were in college. From the first time she met his mom, she had always made her feel like she approved of her and Jayon. Whatever relationship they did or would ever have. She always treated Jordan like family, and she fell in love with her early on. She was just one of the nicest women she knew. His dad was the same—real cool and caring, too. They were the cutest couple. They had been happily married for thirty years, and they were great role models for young couples.

  Jayon knew she’d always loved and respected his parents, so he probably did know how much them seeing her like that would bother Jordan. It was even more uncomfortable because they had known her as a good friend of Jayon’s, not as a romantic partner. So, she knew that scene in the kitchen took everyone aback.

  She also knew she had to get back out there at some point. She scanned the room for her underwear and clothing and finally saw her orange-and-pink spotted thong by the head of the bed. She grabbed it, her bra from the floor, and her clothes from the chair and went into the bathroom.

  When she came out, she was dressed the way she had been when she’d come over last night. Her hair and makeup were not quite the same, but her clothes were no longer indecent. She wore a brown jogging suit and sneakers, her usual comfortable weekend outfit.

  She walked back into the kitchen and made it clear that she was about to head out by dangling her keys in her hand.

  “Baby, where are you going?” Jayon said immediately when he saw her dressed with her purse and keys in hand.

  “I have to head out. I have some errands to run and things like that. I will be back by later.”

  “Are we still going over to Jamel’s house?”

  “Yeah, I will be back by then. If he is still having his party, we can go.”

  Jordan had already begun giving kisses to his parents and saying good-bye by the time she walked up to him and said, “Just call me.”

  “OK, let me walk you out,” he said, obviously wanting a moment more to pick her brain.

  She said good-bye once again and walked toward the door. Once they hit the hallway, he pulled her arm.

  “What’s wrong with you?” he asked.

  “Nothing—I have to run, really.”

  “You know damn well you wouldn’t be running out of here so early any other morning.”

  “I won’t lie—I’m not up for sitting around feeling embarrassed, but I’m not upset.”

  “My parents don’t care. They have known you for years, and they have seen you in bathing suits and pajamas several times when we were even younger. Do you really think, as two grown people, you being slightly undressed in MY apartment, they are going to judge you?”

  “Jay, you look at everything that way. It’s just a respect thing, OK? I’m supposed to be a married woman and a friend of yours. So I’m just a little embarrassed for them to see us like this,” she said.

  “You’re making too much of it.”

  “I’m not. I really just want to end the whole moment and go take care of some of my errands. Now get back in there before they think you’re getting another quickie,” she said with a laugh.

  As he laughed her joke off, he said, “Listen, please don’t go into one of your feeling-guilty-about-everything phases. It’s nothing. My parents are actually happy we are seeing each other. They don’t know all the details about you and Omar, but I don’t think they care,” he said.

  “Can you just give me a little bit? I’ll be cool.”

  He walked from in front of her, and opened the door. She leaned in, gave him a kiss, and walked out the door.

  As she walked down the hallway to the elevator, she started thinking, Of course they care about Omar. He was her husband for six years—everyone wonders what’s going on. No matter what the situation is, they’re thinking, now she’s with Jayon, and she and Omar didn’t even finalize the divorce papers yet.

  When she sat down in her car, she picked up her phone and called Omar. The phone rang three times, and, as usual, it went to voice mail.

  107

  Worth a Shot

  Dakota decided to just go ahead and have a talk with Tony. It was about time to figure out where things were going with them. She was tired of playing the guessing game.

  Jonelle had called earlier in the day and was all hyped up, telling Dakota that she and Tony had set a wedding date and she wanted Dakota to leave him alone. Dakota entertained her for a while, but as Jonelle became more upset, Dakota decided to end the conversation.

  “You need to be talking to your fiancé, not me,” Dakota told her. Dakota had only been with Tony three times in the last two weeks, but she wasn’t gonna tell Jonelle that. She also didn’t have it in her to argue and fight. As much as she wanted to say, Forget it, you won, you can have him—now, you and his sorry ass leave me alone, she couldn’t bring herself to lose. She had been battling too long, to be willing to lose yet another fight. So as far as Jonelle was concerned, Dakota wasn’t going anywhere.

  She couldn’t even tell from her conversation with Jonelle if she knew about the loss of the baby yet. Knowing her, if she did, she would have thrown it in her face. So, chances were Tony hadn’t gotten around to telling her yet, or although very unlikely, even Jonelle knew that was a low blow. She ended the conversation with Jon
elle quickly—she didn’t want to have to think of lies to make her mad and there wasn’t much truth to tell. She only saw Tony once in the past week, and spoke to him maybe two or three times. The even crazier part was, Dakota didn’t mind. She had been talking to David a lot more these days, and he even took her to lunch one day just to get her mind off things.

  Dakota still wanted to talk to Tony—she wasn’t willing to deal with Jonelle for the rest of her life, and just over some good sex. Sex that she hadn’t had with Tony but once since the miscarriage. Dakota felt it was obvious that Jonelle just had it in for her, because of all the ladies that were in his phone, and all the other women she was sure Jonelle knew about. She was threatened the most by Dakota, but neither Jonelle nor Dakota knew to what extent Tony had other relationships.

  “What does this mean for us?” Dakota asked Tony.

  He had made his way to Dakota’s house, and they were sitting in the living room in front of the television.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Now that there is no baby—should we just leave each other alone? Take this as an opportunity to start fresh?” Dakota asked, getting straight to the point.

  “The baby wasn’t why we were together,” Tony said, clearly surprised where she was taking things.

  “It wasn’t why we got together, but it kept us together these past few months.”

  “I don’t agree—I’m fine with things the way they are.”

  “That’s the problem—you can probably be fine with this forever ... even after you and Jonelle are married.”

  Tony didn’t respond. For the first time, he didn’t deny or defend it. He was silently admitting that it was true, that he was supposed to marry Jonelle.

  “So, if we have two different long-term goals, maybe we should think about what we are doing,” she continued.