Diva Diaries

by Janine A. Morris

  “I brought some filet mignon, baked potatoes, yellow rice, and broccoli,” he said as he backed away from her and started unpacking the basket.

  “Damn, that sounds good,” she said.

  “Yeah, and for dessert I brought some of your favorite banana pudding from Sarah Brown Catering.”

  “Oh my gosh, you didn’t go all the way over there, did you? Just for dessert?”

  “It wasn’t that far out of the way.”

  “You’re too much, Dave. Thanks, sweetie—where is it at?”

  “Nope, you can’t have any until later.”

  She put on her baby pout face and backed away from the basket. He reached out to hold her again.

  “Go lie down, get comfortable. Let me prepare dinner and you meet me on the couch. We will watch a movie and eat dinner and then we will enjoy dessert. How does that sound?”

  “That sounds nice,” she said. She felt the mushy feeling again, but this time she wasn’t uncomfortable. She actually realized this was something she could get used to.

  111

  Playtime

  It wasn’t like before—Chrasey didn’t just want to drop off her kids with her parents and go see Trevor at his house, or go catch a movie. It was a different ball game now—they had to be more discreet about things. He was coming around her way to get his daughter, so Chrasey told him to meet her at the neighborhood McDonald’s Playland.

  The kids were playing together nicely, with fifteen or so others. She and Trevor were sitting on the side, eating their meals, talking about their lives as usual. He was sharing the latest about his daughter’s mother, and, of course, she was sharing the latest with Keith. Trevor still couldn’t believe that Keith had gotten some woman pregnant, and he told her he was proud of her for sticking it out. He said she was a real woman, like Hillary Clinton, standing by her man. She didn’t know about all of that, but she appreciated the acknowledgment. Keith damn sure didn’t appreciate it.

  She and Trevor had an understanding about what things would be like between the two of them. She explained that she did want to go on dealing with him. She also explained that her family was her first priority. He respected that, and he was willing to be respectful of her situation. He also explained that the only reason he was still around was because he really cared about her. He said from the day he met her, he knew she was a beautiful person; he also knew from day one that her husband didn’t appreciate her. He made it very clear that he wasn’t going to stop his life, either; he was going to date and see other people, but until the day came that he met that special someone he wanted to marry, he would be there for her whenever she needed him.

  They’d been sitting there for about forty-five minutes so far. She had told Keith where she was going, because it made no sense lying—the kids could tell him, anyway. She tried to make plans that she didn’t have to lie about, but could just leave information out of. For example, she was really at McDonald’s—she just didn’t have to mention she was meeting someone there. She told Keith she would be home in a bit, and to go ahead and fix himself something to eat. So as she was sitting there with Trevor, she wasn’t thinking about Keith. She was relaxed, just taking a break from her demanding life. Keith was the last person she was expecting, but as she looked over her shoulder for a split second, she caught a glimpse of his face. She looked back and it was Keith, walking toward them. Trevor could see in her face that something had happened, but he was playing it smart and safe—he didn’t look over his shoulder. He just remained natural—he could see she was keeping her eyes on someone. They weren’t sitting that close to one another, and there were other parents sitting around them as well. It wasn’t as if they were in some private area of McDonald’s, so she knew how she had to handle this.

  Within seconds, Keith walked up to her and said hello. Although there was absolutely nothing visibly strange about her sitting next to this guy, she could tell Keith was a little suspicious of her male company. Still, she showed no trace of guilt—she was about to handle it like a professional.

  “Hey, baby,” she said, just as normal.

  He said hello back, and glanced at Trevor. Then she looked at Trevor and said to him, “This is my husband.”

  She looked back at Keith and said, “We were just talking about how hard it is to pull your kids out of these places. His daughter has been in there for an hour already.”

  They all gave a phony laugh. She couldn’t tell if Keith bought it, but it was her story. Trevor caught on to what she was doing. He was just some man who was in McDonald’s with his kid, not the man that she got butt naked with and had about an hour of sex with about every two weeks or so.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked Keith.

  “I was hungry, figured I would come hang out with you guys.”

  “Oh, that’s nice. We were about to go in a few, though.”

  Trevor took that as a cue, she guessed.

  “Speaking of going, let me do the mission impossible and finally get this girl out of here,” Trevor said as he got up and walked toward his daughter inside the big air castle. When he stepped away, he said a phony good-bye still pretending like he was just the friendly guy waiting in McDonald’s. She gave a friendly and thankful good-bye, back.

  Of all days for Keith to want to come play family—just her luck. From the look in Keith’s eyes, he didn’t know what to think. He seemed to be behaving normally, but she couldn’t tell if, in the back of his mind, he wondered if he had just caught her in McDonald’s with her mystery man, or was she just being paranoid? Under normal circumstances, what he saw didn’t have to be that peculiar. However, neither of them trusted the other, and deep down he figured that she had to be getting something from somewhere else. He just wouldn’t have thought at McDonald’s.

  Trevor got his daughter out, she said good-bye to Kelsey and Quinton, and then they walked out. She and Keith sat there a little longer before they headed out. Chrasey felt awkward as Trevor left—she knew he was watching her and Keith together through the glass as he walked out. He’d never seen them together, and she wondered if he was curious now. Maybe he wondered if Keith actually was a caring husband, and he was just being a homewrecker. She was sure seeing Keith just come to hang with us made it look like she’d been lying about him not paying her and the kids any attention. Still, even a blind man could see the distance between her and Keith. They couldn’t hide that, and she was sure Trevor saw it. She just hoped that he wouldn’t change his mind about being her Prince Charming.

  112

  Confessions

  Jayon had spent the night at Jordan’s house. They watched a movie, and just spent the day chilling. When they were out in the backyard having a drink and playing cards, she noticed that Jay’s phone was lighting up but wasn’t ringing or vibrating. She reached toward his pocket clip and picked up the phone. She saw “Michelle” in the Caller ID.

  “Who is Michelle?” she asked.

  “A friend of mine—why you checking my Caller ID,” he asked as he took his phone back.

  “A friend from where? And why is your phone on SILENT?”

  “Why are you grilling me like this?”

  “Because I want to know.”

  “She is a friend ... actually you met her—I brought her by the office once,” Jayon replied with obvious aggravation.

  “Why is your phone silenced, and why is she calling you?”

  “Just was, no reason, and I don’t know why she is calling. Maybe to say hello ... Why don’t you call her and ask her since you have so many questions?”

  She didn’t have time for these games. After all of these years of being friends, a year into a relationship she was finally seeing the ugly side of Jayon. It’s unbelievable, when you know somebody so well, and they still never cease to amaze you.

  “You know what, I’m not up for games tonight. You want to keep secrets, fine.”

  “What secrets?”

  “Don’t tell me that she is just your friend—I know she
is not. That day in the office I knew that. You keep wanting to lie to me about stuff, fine.”

  “She is my friend—we slept together before, but she is my friend,” he decided to admit.

  “So, you weren’t going to tell me about that?”

  “For what? We weren’t together when she and I first slept together.”

  “Well, she is still calling you—you don’t think you could have shared that with me?”

  “I’m not going through this. If you have a problem with it, I don’t know what to tell you.”

  “You don’t know what to tell me? After all these years, when I’m getting a divorce because of you—you don’t know what to tell me? You know what, Jayon? Fuck you!!”

  She said that in a much louder tone than her previous comment, and she stood up and went inside. She said it, and although she meant it from her heart, it wasn’t that simple. She was pissed off. She really wanted to curse him out. Tell him, how dare he embarrass her like that. How dare he wait until she was this involved with him to start telling her shit like, if you have a problem with it, I don’t know what to tell you.

  “That asshole,” she mumbled to herself. The timing had to be crazy, but not too long after she and Omar signed their divorce papers, she was starting to feel that all she had done just wasn’t worth it. If she was meant to be with Jayon, the day would come—it just didn’t seem that now was the time.

  Jayon followed her inside the house and slowly pinned her up against the living room wall and said, “I met Michelle a few years after I met you—I’m sure I mentioned her to you but it was nothing. We were cool for a while—we slept together one night, and I really thought I mentioned it to you. It was years ago ...” Jayon said.

  His tone was fairly low and it sounded like he was trying to make her feel better about the situation—he wanted to make sure she knew everything. He continued, “We kept in touch on and off, and it was the biggest mistake of my life, but I slept with her twice this past year, and now she won’t stop calling me.”

  She couldn’t have been hearing him right. This past year he was with her. “This past year?” she asked.

  He held her tight in his arms, and she knew that was his yes. She jerked him off of her and walked away.

  “Please get out of my house, Jay.”

  “Jordan, at least hear what I have to say.”

  “Jayon, get the fuck out of my house—now!”

  He stood there, not moving an inch. He was thinking of what he could say to get her to calm down. It was too late for that—there was nothing he could say. She couldn’t even put her mind on her heart, but subconsciously she felt the sharp pain right through it. It was no time to dwell on it. First she had to get him out of her house, and then she would tend to her wound.

  “It didn’t mean anything to me, I swear. I want to be with you—she means nothing to me,” he said.

  She started to walk toward her front door—it didn’t seem he understood how serious she was. He followed behind her.

  “J, I didn’t know if you were ever going to get your divorce, so I didn’t know if we really had a future. I didn’t want to stress you about it, either. I know it’s not right—I was wrong—that’s why I’m admitting it. I want to start fresh.”

  She looked at him, and handed him the key to his apartment.

  “Jayon, please get out.”

  After standing there for a few seconds, he started to walk toward the door. He tried to give her a kiss on the forehead, but she moved back, and as soon as he stepped through the door she closed it behind him.

  Call her naive or blind. Say by now women should know we can’t put anything past a man, but she still believed there were just some things you didn’t expect from certain people ... and this she did not expect from Jayon. Deep down inside, she felt so disappointed. She felt hoodwinked. How could someone you feel you know so well, actually be so different?

  In all reality, as much she hated to say it, he was just like all men, and here she really thought she would be happier with Jayon. During that honeymoon phase that things felt so good. That was her fear, that things weren’t what they seemed. She just didn’t think her life could be that jinxed, that this could turn out this bad.

  She’d been with Omar all those years, and to think she gave it up, thinking it would be so much better with Jayon. He would be a friend and a lover all in one. That’s what she’d wanted. Who could’ve known that once he became her lover, he would no longer be her friend?

  She knew in her heart that this was it. She could never even begin to forgive him for what he’d done. She never thought Jayon, her best friend, would lie to her. Never. So she knew this wasn’t going to blow over. Just the thought of him sleeping with some other woman was enough; then to think how he had to be deceitful the nights he was with her, and how he probably was kissing or having sex with her the same or next day. Just to think of it brought her to tears. She never went through this in her marriage, but she was dealing with it now. Talk about punishment for your actions.

  She’d seen signs before tonight—it wasn’t like this was their only issue. She just knew that with him she had to put great effort into it, because she had altered so much of her life to be with him. She hadn’t prepared herself for it not working out. There were things with Jayon that she dealt with because she wanted them to work out, but she noticed that he wasn’t as caring toward her as she thought he’d be.

  Jayon’s lack of emotion toward everything sometimes made it seem like he didn’t care. All these years she thought it was his cool swagger, and early on she found it attractive. However, Jordan found it hard to be in an adult relationship when he didn’t communicate. He could talk for hours on the phone with his boys, but if Jordan wanted to talk about an issue, he was damn near speechless. It drove her up a wall.

  Then to make matters worse Jayon stopped wanting to have sex. Early on they were like two rabbits, having sex like every other night at least. These days it was once a week if she was lucky. He could go days without it. It was like she hooked up with an old man. That was another reason why hearing he had slept with somebody else made her absolutely furious.

  She just had to deal with it the hard way: they were no Brown Sugar, they were no When Harry Met Sally, and they were no Shark Tale. They were just two people in lust who settled for what was easy. She just couldn’t believe that a year into this relationship, she was finding this out. She felt so hoodwinked and bamboozled. It was like Omar’s perfect revenge. She broke his heart, and less than two months after their divorce was official, Jayon had broken hers.

  The last person she wanted to know about this was Omar—she knew he would gloat in all his glory. Karma was something else for real. Although, she didn’t feel what she did was wrong, she could see why her guilt was killing her. She must’ve really done Omar wrong, because what else could she have done to deserve this? This was like some cruel trick.

  She knew she had to face the world tomorrow. She was determined not to cry or mope too much—too embarrassed to do that. She’d bragged too much, had confessed her undying love. How could she go back and tell everybody she’d been a fool? She’d left her husband for a man who she didn’t even really know, at the end of the day.

  113

  All Hers

  Tony had called Dakota three times since this morning, and she’d ignored all three of his calls. “What is there to talk about? Go talk to Jonelle,” she murmured to herself when she saw he was trying to call her. There was no need for them to pretend now, or to continue what they were doing before.

  She loved Tony—she even missed Tony—but she loved and missed herself more. She’d spent so much time trying to keep him that she’d lost herself. The way she wanted him to love her was too much for him, but yet she’d settled for it and actually pretended like she was satisfied. She knew there had been a point in her life when she was cool with that type of open relationship with no strings attached. Good sex and no drama, no commitment or temptations. Even wit
h a clear understanding of that logic, she’d outgrown it and was unable to admit it. She wanted more and was able now to request it. It was a bed she’d made, and she’d been forced to lie in it. Tony knew, she had started to want more. He knew she had come to a place where just the good old times wasn’t enough, but he didn’t try to change. He would have continued like this forever, hurting her and Jonelle. Well, she could have him. Dakota didn’t want that pain anymore, and she didn’t want the drama. Besides, now that she’d lost their baby, Jonelle had something with him that she didn’t have, and she’d be damned if she’d try to get pregnant again to war with her. The next time she got pregnant, she hoped it would be on purpose and with a man she didn’t have to talk into wanting to keep it.

  “ ’Kota, I hope you’re feeling OK. I really want to come see you. Maybe we can go out to dinner or something or to that bar you love on Thirty-ninth and Lexington. I just want to try to see you. I really miss you. Please call me back this time.”

  That was the second-to-last message on her voice mail.

  “ ’Kota, I have been calling you for a couple days now, and you haven’t been returning my calls. I’m not sure what the problem is, but this is crazy. Just a few months ago we were having a baby together, and now this week I can’t even get ahold of you. Did I do something to you? Please call me back so we can talk.”

  She saved the messages and hung up. The reality was, he hadn’t done a thing to her, but that was the problem. It was always what he didn’t do, not what he did.

  She wanted to call him back, but she didn’t know how to explain to him yet how she was feeling. She just woke up one day and realized that he would never be able to give her what she wanted and he didn’t want to. Besides, after speaking to Jonelle a month ago, she really realized that he was playing them both, but at least Jonelle had enough self-respect to have a problem with it. Here Dakota was, knowingly going along with his bullshit, and looking like an idiot.