“Wow, why didn’t you tell me?”
“That wouldn’t have been an easy conversation. Until you said that it was a woman who put a smile on your face, I couldn’t put a name to it. But I did know you weren’t living the life you should have been.”
Lucy thought about what Vanessa just said and realised it wouldn’t have been easy for her to have told Lucy she thought she was gay. How would Lucy have taken that kind of statement from her best friend? Probably not well.
“Do you think I’ve wasted my life?”
“Oh god no, that’s not what I meant at all. What I’m saying, very badly, is that there was something missing for you and you weren’t able to find out what it was.” Vanessa grabbed a few peanuts and munched on them.
“Yes there was. It was like I was trying to remember something. That it was on the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t reach it.”
“Lucy, you have not wasted your life. Brian was a lovely man, you both got on well and don’t forget you have a beautiful daughter in Alexi.”
“Yes, and then I meet Jamie and my whole life changes.” Lucy popped a crisp into her mouth and thought about what Vanessa had said.
“So it’s Jamie is it, tell me all, Lucy.”
“Okay it’s a long story, let me put the curry on a low gas to heat through, and then I will reveal all.”
“And I do want all the details,” Vanessa said, suggestively.
“I don’t know about all the details, Vanessa, but some of them at least.” Lucy went into the kitchen with Vanessa hot on her heels. While she sorted the curry Vanessa plonked herself down on one of the two breakfast bar stools, after snagging the wine from the fridge.
“I take it you want another glass.”
“Yes please, I’ll need Dutch courage to tell this story.”
“It can’t be that bad, Lucy, we’ve known each other long enough not to worry about what we can and can’t say to each other.”
Vanessa poured two glasses of wine and put the bottle back into the fridge.
“Yes you’re right. Well that’s dinner on the go, let’s go back and sit comfortably and I will begin.”
Lucy told Vanessa the whole story from meeting Jamie in Whitby, to when she returned from holiday and Alexi introduced her to Frankie.
“It was almost as if Alexi couldn’t wait to get me onto the gay scene, and Frankie answered her prayers.”
“Sounds to me she was looking out for you the way you would her.”
“I suppose that’s true, and to be fair I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about checking out gay bars and the like.”
“So, Frankie was a godsend then?”
“I’m not so sure about that,” Lucy said, her voice tinged with anger.
“Oh, methinks there’s another tale to tell.”
“Yes there is, let’s clear these plates away and get the wine. I can check on the curry as well.” Lucy gathered the half empty plates. She covered and left them on the side, then she stirred the curry before grabbing the wine and returning to the lounge.
“Okay, this is the last part of my story, and I think probably the most sordid. I’m not proud of myself and can’t believe what happened.” Lucy refilled their glasses and sat nursing hers as she told what happened from the time she met Frankie, finishing up with last night’s events.
Vanessa looked at her and didn’t say anything for what seemed like an eternity. Lucy was quite happy for the silence. She wasn’t sure she was ready for her friend’s comments, although she knew Vanessa wouldn’t be judgemental. However it didn’t matter, Lucy had already passed judgement on herself.
“Well, Lucy, you certainly took Jamie's advice to heart.”
Another silence ensued and Lucy could see Vanessa's mind working overtime and she wondered what she was going to say. Fortunately she didn’t have to wait long.
“How do you feel about everything now, in the cold light of day?” Not quite what Lucy was expecting but a valid question none the less.
“I’m not really sure. I know I should feel ashamed about last night—”
“Why should you? You’re an adult as are Frankie and Mandy, and you all consented.”
“Well—”
“Yes, I know you feel you were almost tricked into it, but you had ample opportunity to stop and leave. You didn’t have to stay,” Vanessa said, making another very valid point.
“I know but I got caught up in it all. I let myself be led by my sexual desire.”
“Hey, don’t go beating yourself about this. Did you enjoy it?”
“You know what, at the time I did. It was so sexy and erotic, culminating in a mind-blowing orgasm.”
“No need to gloat, Lucy, I get the picture.”
“Sorry but I did. It was fan-bloody-tastic. But I certainly wouldn’t want to repeat it.” As Lucy spoke the words she knew the truth of them. It was fun at the time and definitely an experience, but that’s all it was.
“Is your view tainted by what you overheard? You know what they say, eavesdroppers never hear any good about themselves.”
“Not just because of that, but it isn’t me is it? I’m sixty-two, not twenty-two. And yes I do know age has nothing to do with it per se, but for me it does. Maybe it’s a generational thing, not an age one.”
“I think that’s probably true and you have to do what is right for you.” Just then the timer sounded.
“Come into the kitchen and we’ll talk while I finish the dinner.”
Lucy went ahead to do the rice and heat the naan bread in the oven. Vanessa followed her.
“That smells really nice, Lucy. It’s making my mouth water.”
“Me too, all that talking has made me not only thirsty but hungry. Pour us some more wine and open the other bottle, I take it you’ll stay tonight?”
“Oh yes, I still haven’t had all the lurid details and I told you I want them all.”
“My god you’re not going to tell John everything are you?”
“Well not the intimate details. I’ll leave that to his very fertile imagination.”
“I know. It’s really strange how men get off on woman on woman action. I don’t even want to think about it.”
“I’ll just give him the edited highlights.”
A little while later they sat down to eat and continue their conversation.
“So what now, Lucy? Will you see Frankie or Mandy again?”
“No, that’s not going to happen. I’m going to put it all behind me and probably never think of it again.”
“Except when you need some DIY, eh?”
“Vanessa, you are so bad.”
“I know but a good fantasy is hard to find.”
Lucy was quiet for a few minutes. She put her head in her hands and heaved a sigh.
“That was a big sigh.”
“What have I done, Vanessa? This is not who I am. Why did I behave like that?”
“Because you were caught up in the arousal and newness of your feelings and let yourself try something different.”
“Perhaps you’re right, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. And what about Alexi? I’m worried about her finding out. I’m her mother. These things are not something she should be dealing with.”
“From what you’ve said about Frankie, it sounds like she’s the kind of person who likes to kiss and tell about her conquests, especially after what happened last night. You know what they say—the best form of defence is attack—so, hard as it may be, you need to take the bull by the horns.”
“You mean I have to tell Alexi before Frankie does.”
“Exactly, and I wouldn’t leave it too long. Don’t forget the six degrees of separation.”
“I get it, okay. I’ll go round to see her tomorrow. It’s not a conversation I’m looking forward to.”
They finished dinner and cleared away the detritus before returning to the lounge.
“Okay, Lucy, no more stalling, you have to tell me all about your threesome with Frankie and Mandy
.”
“OH BOY DID I have some interesting dreams last night,” Vanessa said, as she sat on the breakfast bar stool.
“I thought you might, the way you were grilling me for all the sexy minutiae. The Sunday tabloids could learn a thing or two from you. So it serves you right, little Miss Nosey.” Lucy got up from reading the Sunday paper and put the kettle on. “I’ve bacon if you’re up for a cooked breakfast.”
“Oh yes, please. Can I help?”
“You can sort out the coffee machine and set the table.”
“So, are you all ready for your chat with Alexi?”
“No, but it’s got to be done.”
“And what are you going to do about Jamie?”
“There’s nothing to be done. She’s in Yorkshire and I’m in London.”
“Well in all of your talk last night, she’s the only constant.”
“What do you mean? I hardly spoke about her.” Lucy was confused as to what Vanessa was getting at.
“That’s my point. It was as if you didn’t want to sully your memories of her with what went on with you, the night before last. It seems to me that she’ll figure quite prominently in your life if you’ll let her, and admit to the feelings you have for her.”
“Pray elucidate, so far it’s as clear as mud.”
“When you spoke of your time in Whitby there was a glow, an animation about you that disappeared when you came to talk about Frankie. Not once during the telling of the threesome did your face light up. I know you feel ashamed, and really you shouldn’t. But even before you spoke about it, and were talking about Frankie, you weren’t as animated.”
“That’s probably because there’s no connection, no thread between me and Frankie. When I first met Jamie I was hooked into her immediately. She was so interesting and took time to talk to me. And even though we’d only just met, I felt as if I’d known her for ever. It was easy being with her, and even if we hadn’t slept together I think we would still have been friends. We clicked and—”
“That’s what I mean.” Vanessa got up and took the small mirror from the wall by the front door and brought it into the kitchen. “Look at your face, it’s alive, your eyes are dancing. There’s something about Jamie that gets to you.” Vanessa put the mirror on the breakfast bar.
“She does get to me. She did from the moment I saw her. But couldn’t think at the time why, why I had such a strong reaction to her for which I had no point of reference. I knew she was going to be a part of my life in some way. I didn’t know how but—Oh I’m really not explaining it very well.”
“Oh but you are, my dear, special friend. You are explaining that you fell in love the minute you saw her.”
“Don’t be daft. That only happens in soppy romances and films, not in real life, and certainly not to me.” There was a wistful sound to Lucy’s voice, and a faraway look had mentally transported her away from London.
“Where did you go just now?” Vanessa asked.
“Nowhere, I was daydreaming that’s all.” Lucy had been caught out and she knew what was coming next.
“Yes you did, and I wouldn’t mind betting it was about three hundred miles north.”
“Okay, you caught me. I do like Jamie more than I’m prepared to admit right now. But, Vanessa, it’s hopeless.”
“Why?”
One little word but it asked so much, and it required an answer of so much more than one little word.
“There are three hundred reasons why it’s hopeless.”
“Lucy, don’t regret the things you do, regret the things you don’t do.”
“Very philosophical, Vanessa, but what does that mean?”
“That if you don’t go to Whitby and see what could happen, you’ll always be wondering, what if,” Vanessa said, and looked at her very seriously. “When do you retire?”
“I haven’t decided whether to go before or after Christmas, why?”
“What a great Christmas present for you both if you do it before.”
And thus the seed was sown.
LUCY HAD TO wait until Monday to talk to Alexi, as she’d gone out with David on Sunday. Lucy prayed she’d get to her before Frankie. She’d pondered all day after Vanessa left over what to do. Lucy knew she had to tell her, she didn’t want her to hear it from anyone else. She was hoping being in a public place would mean Alexi wouldn’t throw a fit.
She sat at a corner table in their usual café and tried to rationalise her feelings. Her emotions swung from being shy, nervous and unsure, to being a raving nymphomaniac. Going from feeling elated and completely satisfied to embarrassed and ashamed at what she’d done. This was becoming like a broken record that even she was tiring of.
She had no benchmark for what she was going through. No one she could really talk to. Lucy could have talked to Jamie about this, got her help getting through this quagmire of confusion. But Jamie was the one who’d virtually sent her away to this madness. At times Lucy thought she was trying to walk through treacle wearing weighted diving boots. Did she honestly think it was acceptable to sleep with two women at the same time? If she was honest she had enjoyed it at the time. It was only afterwards she was kicking herself.
But now she had to tell Alexi. The last thing she wanted was for Alexi to find out from someone else. She didn’t know Frankie that well but could imagine she’d take great delight in bragging about what had happened. Alexi had been right in her description of Frankie being sexually adventurous and someone who preferred one night stands. She only got a second night because Frankie and Mandy wanted a ménage à trois.
Lucy was angry at herself for letting her body rule her head.
Alexi would have every right to say I told you so, but Lucy hoped she wouldn’t. She was humiliated enough without it being pointed out.
There was also an element of Lucy wanting to get back at Jamie for pushing her away. For not at least trying to see what could happen between them. Of course Jamie had twisted Lucy's arm up her back to get her to do what she’d done.
So here she sat waiting for Alexi to arrive, and dreading the conversation they were about to have. The bell over the door heralded the arrival of a patron and Lucy looked up to see Alexi walk in.
“Hi, Mum. To what do I owe the pleasure of having lunch with you?” Alexi kissed her and they both sat down.
“Let’s order then we won’t get disturbed.”
“This sounds ominous.” Just then the waitress arrived to take their order, which was simple, two toasted cheese and tomato Paninis and two pots of tea.
“Okay, Mum, let’s have it, spill the beans.”
They were in a corner of the café out of the way and unlikely to be overheard, as it was still relatively early and the café was virtually empty.
“I slept with two women at the same time.” Lucy told it as it was, no frills.
“You had a threesome!”
“Jesus, Alexi, say it louder, I don’t think the people over the road quite heard.” To be fair it wasn’t all that loud, but to Lucy it sounded like Alexi was speaking through a megaphone.
“Sorry, Mum,” Alexi said, lowering her voice to a whisper. She looked around and it would appear no one had heard her outburst.
They sat quietly looking at each other, neither of them knowing what to say next. Lucy fiddled with the salt and pepper pots, moving them back and forward like chess pieces until Alexi put them out of Lucy’s reach. Still the silence dragged on with Lucy wondering if Alexi would say something, or just walk out of the café without a backward glance.
The waitress came back with their order and Alexi waited until she’d left before she spoke.
“When did this happen?”
Lucy told Alexi everything apart from the intimate details, which she left unsaid.
Alexi was quiet again, which was just as well as the waitress had arrived to check everything was all right with their food.
The silence continued after she left them and Lucy worried what Alexi was thinking and how she woul
d react.
“You’re a dark old horse.”
“Less of the old, and is that all you’ve got to say?”
“What else is there? You’re a grown woman. You can make your own choices.”
“I know, but a threesome?”
“Look at it this way, Mum, you’re experimenting with how you feel, and finding out about what you like.”
“I expected you to be more shocked.”
“Will you repeat the experience?”
“Definitely not.”
“Care to expand?”
“I got caught up in what I was feeling. It was definitely very arousing and exciting, but not the same as when there are only the two of you.”
“Well that’s one to tick off your bucket list.”
“Anyway I came to the conclusion that I only want to be with one woman.”
“I guess it’s a bit like if you’d come out much earlier, you’d be experimenting wouldn’t you?”
“I suppose so, but at least I wouldn’t need to tell my daughter about it.”
“Why did you? I know we have a great relationship and can talk about anything, but you could have kept quiet.”
“It’s for purely selfish reasons. I wanted to tell you before you heard it from someone else.”
“Yes, Frankie’s not known for her discretion. While she was painting our conservatory she was telling me things I thought she should keep to herself. She gossiped about my neighbours and her conquests. It’s almost as if she got off on telling me about them.”
“I know how I’d feel if the positions were reversed, and I didn’t want you blindsided.”
They finished their food in silence, each with their own thoughts.
“Will you tell Jamie?”
“What do you mean? Have you been talking to Vanessa? That’s why you’ve been so calm about my news. I bet she gave you a heads up.”
Lucy was a little annoyed to think her best friend may have said something.
“Mum, calm down. She didn’t tell me anything, apart from the fact that you’re in love with Jamie.”
“I’m not in love with Jamie, at least I—oh I don’t know.”
“Well you’ll never know unless you take a chance. What have you got to lose?”
199 Steps to Love Page 17