Sunlight and Shadows

by Christine Cross

  Angela knew that might just be the worst thing that could happen both for him and for her.

  So, she looked back at him and steeled herself before speaking.

  "I don't think that's a good idea, Andrew," she said. She watched his face fall and felt her own heart begin to break as it did.

  "I'm just really tired," she told him quickly. "I think it's best if we just meet up tomorrow morning."

  His eyes looked into hers, she could see tiny pricks of red forming on the outsides. He looked down and gave a small nod.

  "Yeah, ok," he said. "See you then."

  "Goodnight," she said. And, without looking at him, she moved into her room with her bag and shut the door.

  She pressed herself against the door as soon as she was inside. She closed her eyes and, once again, prayed that she had just done the right thing.

  *****

  “Do you know what she looks like?” Andrew asked. He sounded half irritated and half anxious.

  They sat at the outdoor patio of the small cafe along a busy street. Children's voices called out from the play area just beside them. They didn't improve Angela's anxious mood one bit.

  “She said she would be wearing a bright red sweater,” Angela said. “Besides, she knows what I look like. Mom and Dad sent her a picture of me a few years ago. Just after I graduated college.”

  Andrew let out another huff and crossed his arms over his chest. It was the second time he’d done that in the past half hour.

  "She's late," he said.

  "I know," Angela answered testily. "Just give her time.

  “I still can’t believe, after all, these years, she’s never gotten in touch with you,” he said.

  “I’m sure there’s a reason,” Angela replied absently. She kept her eyes peeled on the road down the street that led to the cafe.

  She tried as hard as she could not to allow her nerves to get the better of her. All the same, she jumped when she felt her phone vibrate inside her purse.

  Taking a deep breath, she took the phone out of its case and read the message beneath the name ‘Faith’.

  “What does it say?” Andrew asked.

  “She says she’s running a little late,” Angela answered. “She should be here in about ten minutes.”

  They waited fifteen minutes before the woman in the bright red sweater moved towards them. Though Angela could tell, with a jolt in her stomach, that the bright colored top would not have been necessary. She would have known her birth mother by their similarity alone.

  Faith Garber stood within an inch of Angela’s height. They shared the same dark hair, the same green eyes, and the same stocky build.

  The only difference between the two women, aside from a few extra wrinkles on Faith’s face, indicating her age, was the harried expression Faith wore as she walked towards them.

  “Sorry I’m late,” she said with a weary-sounding huff. “Isabell here insisted on coming too. I hope you don’t mind.”

  It was only when the name was mentioned that Angela looked from her and saw the small girl with black hair and green eyes standing shyly behind her mother. She looked to be about six or seven years old. And, Angela realized with another jolt that this girl, Isabell, looked exactly like she had at that age.

  “Not at all,” Angela said finally, shaking herself. “It’s just good to finally meet you. I’m Angela.”

  She gave what felt like a very forced and awkward smile as she stood and looked at the woman in front of her. She extended her hand which Faith took with a gracious smile.

  Before she could say anything to Angela in greeting, Andrew stepped towards them.

  “I’m Andrew,” he said, authoritatively extending a hand to Faith. “I’m Angela’s husband.”

  “It’s good to finally meet you too,” Faith said shaking Andrew’s hand and moving her gaze to Angela. “You can call me Faith.”

  Angela tried to say something more to this but, found that she could do nothing more than nod.

  “This,” Faith said reaching behind her and ushering the shy looking little girl forward. “Is Isabell. Isabell, this is your half-sister, Angela.”

  The little girl looked up at her with a shy smile.

  Smiling, Angela bent down and offered her hand to Isabell as well.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Isabell,” she said. The little girl tentatively reached out to shake Angela’s hand.

  “Are you really my sister?” Isabell asked quietly. Angela felt her heart give a small jerk once more but kept the smile on her face.

  “I...I guess I am,” she said. The little girl’s smile widened.

  “I’ve always wanted a sister!” she said.

  “That’s true,” Faith told Angela. “That’s why Isabell insisted on coming with me. She was so excited to meet you.”

  “Well that’s good,” Angela said to Isabell. “Because, I’ve always wanted a sister too.”

  Angela tried her best to ignore the twisting in her stomach as she said this. Isabell’s bright smile soothed her feelings but not enough. It was only when Andrew took her hand and squeezed that her nerves settled.

  “How many do you have?” Angela asked. She felt the nerves return and could not help but feel as though her own fate hung on Faith’s answer.

  “Too many,” Faith said with a slight chuckle. “We’ve got three boys back at home. They're with my husband, Matt. The youngest, Duncan, just turned one.”

  Angela felt her heart sink of its own accord. Her birth mother now had a large family and, from what Angela had heard, no trouble conceiving.

  Then again, she still didn’t know if all those boys were truly Faith’s, biologically speaking. In their brief text messages back and forth, specifics about the kids had not been discussed. They could be adopted, or her husband’s from a previous marriage.

  And even if they were Faith’s, they may have taken a long time to come. She may have had to undergo some kind of fertility treatment.

  Yes, Angela told herself, there’s no way of knowing for sure until I talk to Faith.

  Andrew seemed to read the silence and looked down at Isabell.

  "Hey, Isabell," he said to the girl. "Would you like to show me the playground? I've never been here before and, I'm sure your mom and Angela want to talk."

  Isabelle shot a cautious glance towards her mother before Faith smiled encouragingly at her.

  "Ok," Isabelle said shyly. Andrew followed the girl to the playground just a few feet away. He looked back at Angela as he walked, giving her a hopeful smile over his shoulder. Angela tried to return it but, found that she couldn't.

  “Sorry about Isabelle,” Faith said as she set down her purse on the small, cafe table. “My husband Matt is looking after the boys but Isabell insisted on coming. I know she wanted to meet you but, she also likes the playground here."

  She took a seat across from Angela as Angela tried her best to smile at the face of the woman who looked so familiar.

  “It’s fine,” Angela said.

  “I just...I know you’ve had problems with having kids yourself,” Faith said tentatively. Angela felt a mix of dread and relief that they had finally reached the topic she really wanted to discuss.

  “Your mom let me know about your miscarriage last year,” Faith explained quickly. “I just wanted to say how sorry I was to hear about that.”

  “Thanks,” Angela said. As she took a sip of her water, she realized that there was really no point beating around the bush. She would have to come right out and ask her mother what she wanted to know.

  “Did anything like that ever happen to you?” Angela asked. “I mean, did you have problems with miscarriages or...”

  “Me?” Faith asked, her pleasant smile returning. “Oh, no! I’ve always been kind of a fertile myrtle. As you can see, the kids tend to come one right after the other.”

  She gestured to the window where Angela could now see Andrew happily leading Isabelle to the swing set where Isabell sat down and Andrew began to push
her as high as he could.

  “So...you didn’t have any problems getting pregnant?” Angela asked. Her heart beginning to sink slightly in her chest.

  Faith shook her head.

  “No,” she said. “Sometimes I honestly wish I did. But, if I don’t want kids, I have to be on the pill. Seems like there’s no other way to avoid it.”

  Angela felt another strange clenching at her chest as Faith continued to smile, apparently unconcerned.

  “And, do you know if there’s any history of thyroid problems in your family?” Angela asked hurriedly, grasping for something, anything that she could hold on to. Any reason why she might be so impossibly barren, while her own mother was happily popping pills to stop from having children.

  “Not that I know of,” Faith said. “My side’s always been pretty healthy. Of course, I wouldn’t know about your father. We’d only been dating a couple of months when I got pregnant. And, he didn’t exactly stick around long enough for me to get to know him after that.”

  “Is that why you put me up for adoption?” Angela asked.

  Faith’s smile faded and a slight blush came into her cheeks. A tension filled the room now as she swallowed hard, apparently, preparing herself to answer.

  “I was very young,” Faith said. “Only seventeen. I hadn’t even graduated high school yet. I knew I wouldn’t be able to look after you.”

  Angela nodded. She’d been expecting something like that. She’d always known that her birth mother was very young. In fact, her parents had told her something similar to this the day Angela learned that she was adopted.

  Even so, there was one question she had to ask. One that, if she was honest with herself, had been playing in the back of her mind for years.

  “My mom and dad told me you always knew where I was,” she said.

  “That’s true,” Faith admitted. “They were good about sending me pictures. Giving me updates.”

  “But...you never wanted to meet me?” Angela asked. Her voice came out very small and a tad bit shaky. She hadn’t intended to sound so vulnerable. She let the question hang over them all the same.

  When she looked across the table to Faith, she saw her mother’s expression change once again. The color in her cheeks had returned and she looked down at the table, away from Angela as though she were ashamed.

  After a moment, however, she looked back up and gave Angela a pleasant but, Angela assumed, entirely fake grin.

  “I knew you were safe,” Faith said with a small shrug. “You seemed happy. I guess, I didn’t want to disrupt your life.”

  Angela nodded silently. She tried as hard as she could to pretend that she accepted the answer. Tried to pretend that it didn’t make her heart sink and her insides twist with whispers of rejection.

  But, if she was honest with herself, she would have to admit that rejected is exactly what she felt. This feeling was only exacerbated when little Isabell came rushing over to them from the playground.

  “Angela,” the little girl said moving towards her. “I picked these for you.”

  Angela was immediately presented with a hodgepodge of different colored blossoms, mostly weeds, from the back yard. Her heart lifted slightly and she looked up to smile at the little girl.

  “Thank you, Isabell,” she said. “They’re beautiful.”

  Isabell smiled in return before biting her lip as though she wanted to ask Angela a question but wasn’t quite sure where to start.

  “Angela?” she asked finally.

  “Yes?”

  “Now that you’re my sister, will you live here with us?”

  Angela opened her mouth to answer but Faith cut in before she could.

  “Isabell, Angela has her own family to go back to,” Faith said. “She lives with Andrew, remember?”

  Angela felt her own heart sink as Isabell’s face fell and the little girl looked back at the ground with a muttered “oh”. Even when Angela promised to send letters and occasionally face time with her new little sister, the girl’s spirits barely seemed to lift. And, to Angela’s surprise, she found her own dwindling as well.

  The girl's spirits seemed to lift as she looked over her shoulder back at Andrew who was standing just outside of the playground area looking at Angela with a tentative smile.

  "Mom, can I go play with Andrew a little longer?" she asked.

  "Sure, hun," Faith answered.

  Isabell happily ran back towards Andrew who looked over at Angela and gave her a much brighter smile and a wave before turning back to the swingset where Isabell had sat down once again.

  Angela longed to return his smile. But, when she looked back, she felt her eyes grow wide as she realized that she couldn't.

  After everything Faith had said, now that she knew that the problem wasn't some solvable issue with thyroids or fertility. Now, that she knew that she wasn't infertile because of her family, now that she knew the problem lay with her. She also knew that she couldn't saddle Andrew with that kind of life.

  She couldn't watch him play with other people's children knowing that he could never have any of his own. Seeing that would break her heart more than anything else.

  This all came to her in a rush of realization so accurate that it almost made her sick.

  "Angela? Are you all right?" Faith asked gently. Angela turned from Andrew and Isabell and looked at her mother. Concern lined her face and, suddenly, Angela couldn't stand to be out in the open.

  "I...I think I should get back to the hotel," Angela said standing quickly and grabbing her purse.

  "Are you sure?" Faith asked standing as well. "I mean you just got here-"

  "I know. I'm just...I'm not feeling very well," she said. "Don't bother Andrew, let him stay with Isabell for a little bit. If he asks, just tell him where I've gone."

  "Of...of course," Faith said hesitantly.

  With a small smile and nod, which was all Angela could muster in terms of goodbye, she hurried back down the street.

  She knew now, though she wished she didn't, that she couldn't see Andrew anymore. Not when her body couldn't give him what he wanted.

  She would give him up. Even though it broke her heart to do it.

  *****

  Angela rushed to the side of the bed, threw her suitcase onto it and hastily began packing her clothes. This whole trip had been a mistake. It had been an even bigger mistake to bring Andrew.

  She should have known what this little journey to her past might mean for them. Before she left she'd known that the conversation with Faith would decide the fate of her marriage.

  Now that she knew it had. That she couldn't stay with Andrew, Angela would not be able to face him. She would have to leave tonight. Hopefully, before he got back to the hotel.

  She grasped the little white envelope that held her ticket. Technically, it wasn't good until tomorrow but, a change fee could easily fix that.

  As soon as she zipped her case closed, she moved it to the floor and told herself to leave.

  She couldn't.

  No matter what her mind said, Angela found that her feet were not able to move. And, what was worse, nothing she could do or think could force them to.

  Instead, she stood staring at her packed suitcase and the plane ticket on top of it. Like it was a two-headed monster about to devour her whole.

  She jumped when the door to her room began to thump with the sound of someone knocking.

  "Angela?"

  Her heart sank in her chest when she heard Andrew's voice. She pressed her eyes closed as he continued to knock on the door.

  "Angela, are you in there? Please, let me in!"

  Well, there was no hope of escaping unnoticed now. Angela realized that there was nothing else to be done, she would have to talk to him. She would need to tell him what she planned to do sooner or later. It might as well be sooner.

  Slowly, she moved to the door and opened it.

  Andrew stood outside, his green eyes wide with worry.

  "Faith told me you'd gone
back to the hotel," he said moving into the room. "She said you weren't feeling well. Are you-"

  "I'm feeling ok, Andrew," she said quickly.

  He opened his mouth to ask another question but, before he could, his eye caught her packed suitcase. She saw his face fall and grow slightly pale.

  "Angela...Angela, why is your case packed?" he asked. "We're not supposed to be leaving until tomorrow."

  "I can't stay," Angela said hearing her voice begin to shake with sobs that hadn't been voiced. She moved to her suitcase but made no attempt to lift it.

  "What do you mean you can't stay?" he asked, eyes growing even wider. "Did...did Faith say something to you? About...you know. The family health stuff?"

  Angela looked away from him pursing her lips. She suddenly felt a strong desire to lie about the conversation she’d had with her mother. She felt like telling him that Faith had had all sorts of problems getting pregnant when she was younger. That what Angela was going through was common in their family. That she, Angela, was normal.

  She knew it wouldn’t be right to lie to Andrew and, what’s more, he would see through it. But, the idea of telling him the truth, the idea of admitting that whatever was wrong with her was not related to her family history, that it was specific to her, filled her with a deep sort of shame.

  Even so, she knew it wasn't fair to him to leave. To give him up without telling him why she had to. She would have to face her shame, she realized that now.

  Slowly, she looked up at him and felt her cheeks turn red.

  “She...she said she’s never had problems having kids,” Angela told her husband reluctantly. “In fact, she tends to get pregnant the moment she goes off birth control.”

  She looked away from Andrew and tried to focus on a tacky lamp stand by the side of the bed. A strange sense of shame came over her. Tears welled up in her eyes. Before she could raise a hand to wipe them away, Andrew reached out a hand and moved it up to her chin, he turned her to face him.

  As soon as she looked into those wide green eyes she felt the tears begin to pour freely down her cheeks. She wasn’t able to hold them back, no matter how hard she tried.