Sunlight and Shadows

by Christine Cross

  “I love you,” she whispered, smiling when she felt his lips against her hair.

  “I’ve never really had a plan for any of this,” he chuckled, wiping the sudden tears from his eyes. “I set out hoping that God would guide me and the young woman he sent my way. I know now that He has. I had hoped it’d be a more romantic setting, but no time has felt more right than this. Will you marry me, Anna? Will you take my name and live this incredible life with me, share in all the chaos of the Utah Territory and love me in spite of my faults and failures?”

  Anna couldn’t stop shaking, or giggling as she watched Wesley bend down on one knee, his light hair blowing around his face as a gust swept through the stables. He opened a small box that held a beautiful emerald ring that sparkled in the sunlight.

  “Yes,” she whispered.

  Anna watched as Wesley slid the ring onto her finger. It didn’t fit snugly, but she’d make do with it until they could get it sized correctly.

  “It was my grandmother’s engagement ring,” he whispered close to her ear after he’d hugged her again.

  Anna looked up and smiled at him. “Is she still living, your grandmother?”

  “No,” he said, his voice somber. “She passed away about two years ago, before I moved out here. My mother said as the oldest, she’d wanted me to have it for when I found a wife. She would have loved you and I have no doubt you would have liked her, very much.”

  “I’m sure you’re right,” Anna smiled.

  From then on, Anna talked a little more every day. Her voice grew stronger and she thoroughly seemed to enjoy every moment they spent together. He told her he’d sent a post off to his family to let them know about Anna and that they’d set a date for that fall. His family had written back to say they were looking forward to welcoming her to the family at the wedding, and would arrive a week beforehand to help with the preparations.

  She in turn had written a heartfelt letter to her own parents.

  July 1860

  Dear Mama and Daddy,

  Please forgive my intentional silence. I did not do so to hurt you, but rather to find my own voice. Please know that I am well and have found more than I ever dreamed of in the Utah Territory. I know that my last letter did not fully explain where I was going or why, but I am in a place now that I can do so. I answered a mail-order bride advertisement from a man named Wesley David Stockton. He was a silver miner who moved to Utah a little over a year ago and has since then settled just outside of Virginia City. He was kind enough to arrange shelter for me for six months at the boarding house in town, with an understanding that we would see from there where God had our paths to go.

  I am beyond happy to tell you that I’ve fallen in love with him and he with me. He has asked me to marry him and I have gladly accepted. I should also tell you that I am once again speaking. I don’t know how it all happened, but I have found my voice again and will no longer be a silent burden to you or the rest of my family.

  It is my fondest wish that you will travel to Virginia City, to celebrate with Wesley and myself as we join our lives together.

  With all my love and affection,

  Anna

  ***

  As the months swept by, summer began to lengthen into the beginnings of fall and the Utah Territory experienced a boom in silver seekers. Anna seemed to flourish under Wesley’s love and encouragement. She’d done as he asked and never ceased talking to him, even so much so that he’d end up breaking her curfew and being tossed out by Sally, who was always gracious, adding a smile and a wink as she did so.

  Cassandra and Tomas had proved to be invaluable as they too, helped Anna feel the love, safety, and security that helped her blossom. At Anna and Wesley’s request, they made sure to accompany them and be around the ranch whenever the couple was together. It gave them a sense of peace knowing there was a chaperone for Anna to keep them honest with each other and God.

  “You must be excited about your big day.”

  “I have butterflies in my stomach every time I think of it,” Anna replied. “What was it like for you and Tomas?”

  “Oh honey,” Cassandra chuckled. “Crazy. We had what you’d call a whirlwind romance. We’d known each other for a while, our parents being long-time friends. And by the time Tomas asked my father for permission to court me, I was already in love with him. We courted for six months and got married two months later.

  “Do you think people will think us improper, given the short time we’ve known each other?”

  “If they do, will it make you sad?”

  “Not really, but I don’t want anyone to look down on us. I know that normally a couple would know each other longer, but isn’t it smarter to marry when a firm foundation and sacrificial love have been established? Should we wait longer, just because some in society might not approve?”

  “I think you’ll find that people around these parts aren’t quite as snobbish when it comes to the lengths of time people know each other before marriage as they might be in New York and the east coast. I knew Tomas my whole life practically, but we courted less than a year before we married. No one has been rude to me, or made me feel less than anyone else. I think you and Wesley marrying is wonderful and I am so glad to see how God has blessed you once again with the ability to speak.”

  “I fell in love with Wesley because he accepted me even when I couldn’t speak and loved me through my journey to talk again.”

  “I think he fell in love with you for some of the same reasons,” Cassandra smiled. “Should we go feed our men before they wither away in this heat?”

  “Yes. If you grab the food tray, I’ll pick up the lemonade.”

  “Sounds good,” Cassandra agreed. After taking a few minutes to set up the picnic, the four friends made a toast.

  “To great friends,” Tomas said, lifting his glass.

  “To love, both new and old,” Anna said, smiling brightly.

  “To life worth living,” Cassandra added as they all clinked their glasses together.

  “This is magnificent,” Wesley said, taking a bite of chicken salad.

  “Your fiancé made that,” Cassandra smiled. “She’s got quite the knack for cooking and baking. She also made the pie you’re going to enjoy.”

  “Speaking of baking. Does anyone know of a person who could make our cake?”

  “Actually, Sally, does an amazing job with cakes. She made our wedding cake and we were even able to save the topper for our first wedding anniversary.”

  “I’ve heard about that tradition. I’m not sure we’ll have enough in attendance to worry about a topper, but it’d be nice to have something like that to keep.”

  “I’m good with whatever you two come up with. As long as I can spend the rest of my life with you. I don’t care as long as you show up in a dress that fits and I don’t forget to wear clothes,” Wesley laughed. When Anna laughed his heart filled with joy at the sound as they celebrated with their friends.

  *****

  Family Connections

  Three weeks later, he welcomed his parents to town and things really began to take shape.

  “Mother, father, this is Anna.”

  “It’s so nice to meet you, darling,” Eleanor Stockton said as she gave Anna a hug.

  “Anyone as lovely as you, must be a proper addition to our family, welcome.” This came from Joseph Stockton and Anna was enveloped in the man’s bearlike arms. Anna laughed outright as the man, who looked remarkably like Wesley, gave her a squeeze. His eyes creased when he smiled, more so than his sons, and his thick beard sported more silver and white, than brown. But it was those beautiful gray eyes, eyes that had passed down to Wesley, which endeared him to Anna immediately.

  “Thank you,” she smiled. “I am truly the one who is blessed to not only to call your son my friend, but to be loved so well by him as well.”

  “Well then,” Eleanor said. “Let’s see about getting this wedding in order so we don’t miss the big day. Are your parents planning
on coming?”

  “I believe so, yes. I’ll be the first to say that I have more explaining to do, leaving the way I did, but I hope they will understand my reasons for parting when and how I did.”

  “Parents rarely understand their children, especially once they’ve become adults,” Eleanor smiled. “However, if they love you like I imagine they do, they’ll love you even if they don’t understand.”

  “Thank you,” Anna said, her smile wobbling a little as tears burned her throat. “I just want them to be happy for me, to see that God brought an amazing and wonderful man into my life, or brought me into his rather. I love Wesley and he’s worked hard to make himself worthy of that love.”

  “He’d better,” his mother laughed. “I raised him to love and cherish the woman God brought him. I have to admit, when he told me that he was marrying a woman he’d met through a newspaper advertisement, I thought he’d taken leave of his senses. Then I read more about you, from his perspective, and realized my son had indeed been blessed with a very special woman. I am honored to have you for my daughter-in-law, Anna.”

  “It is me who should feel honored, Mrs. Stockton.”

  “Please, call me Eleanor,” the older woman smiled. “Perhaps one day you’ll even feel comfortable enough to call me mom.”

  “I don’t doubt it for a minute,” Anna agreed.

  Three days later, after a large portion of the wedding had been taken care of, Anna and Wesley greeted Anna’s family at the wagon train drop-off. “Anna!” Rachel McFarland screamed as she stepped down from the wagon, helped by Benjamin McFarland, Anna’s father.

  “Momma,” Anna cried, embracing her mother tightly. “Daddy,” she said as tears ran down her face.

  “Sweetheart,” he said, crushing her to him. After a moment Benjamin collected himself. “So, where is this man of yours?”

  “He’s back at the boarding house with his family. I’d like you to meet them all, if you’re not too tired.”

  “Why don’t we go collect your young man and his family and then we’ll find a place to eat. The McFarland’s will treat the Stockton’s to a nice dinner before we all become relatives.”

  ***

  “It’s very nice to meet you,” Eleanor Stockton said to Rachel McFarland as they greeted each other in the sitting room of the boarding house. The introductions took about half an hour before Benjamin grinned.

  “I don’t know about y’all, but I’m starving and could use a good, hot meal.”

  “That sounds delightful,” Rachel agreed. The three couples headed over to the newest café in Virginia City and chose the largest table the small eatery had.

  “Welcome to Virginia City,” the hostess at the café said as she read off the day’s special. “All of our meals come with soup and salad, and the bread is on the house.”

  After ordering, the two families exchanged stories of Anna and Wesley’s younger years, thoroughly embarrassing the two young people. And then things turned serious when the topic of Anna’s silence came up.

  “She was so little to have suffered so much,” Rachel said, dabbing at tears. “We did our best to love her as much as we loved her siblings. I’m afraid we failed miserably though. We just couldn’t seem to see things through her eyes. She lost so much the day of the fire, I wanted to shelter her from ever being hurt again, not realizing that by doing so, I was hurting her.”

  Flashes zipped through Anna’s mind as the memories that had once refused to reveal themselves, came flooding into her remembrance. “My parents,” she whispered. “My little brother and sister…you took me home.”

  “The fire started in your younger sister’s room and quickly spread to Anthony’s. You had slept downstairs that night because you hadn’t felt well. By the time your parents woke to the fire it had engulfed your sibling’s rooms so that they couldn’t escape. Your parent’s wouldn’t leave them and when we arrived at the hospital, you had already been asleep. When you woke you wouldn’t speak of it, or anything. We tried everything to bring you out of it, but your mind and body refused to cooperate. We took you to every doctor we could in those early days, but eventually we just kept getting the same answer. Your mind would remember when it remembered and if it never did, it was probably for the best.”

  Anna and Wesley sat outside the boarding house after their parents had retired for the night. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “The fact that I was raised by my aunt and uncle and only today remembered that they aren’t my parents? Or that my parents, sister and brother died in a fire that should have killed me too? Maybe the fact that I couldn’t even show enough love to remember them?”

  ***

  Wesley could hear the bitterness and hurt in her voice as tears ran from her eyes. He pulled her closer to him and wrapped an arm around her.

  “Anna no one holds any anger or resentment toward you. You were a child, a child who miraculously survived a terrible tragedy and was clearly in shock. It’s not your fault that your mind closed it out, that you couldn’t remember. It’s not your fault that you couldn’t talk for all that time. Your mind and body needed time to process and compartmentalize the loss and it did the best it could for a child of six. I’m not even sure I could come through that unscathed and I’m twenty-nine.”

  “I don’t think that excuses it,” she said bitterly. “Why would a God who’s supposed to love me, strip away my entire family? He didn’t even have the decency to let me remember them.”

  “I can understand your anger, Anna,” Wesley said gently. “But I think it’s misplaced.”

  “Really?” she said, still clearly angry.

  “You have every right to be angry, hurt, and frustrated. But rather than stripping you of your family, I think God protected you all these years, giving you time to grow and mature. Time to be loved by your new family, to fall in love with me. I think God’s been watching out for you from the beginning.”

  “Why me though?” she asked, somewhat calmer. “Why should I make it when no one else I loved did?”

  “I haven’t got a clue, darling. I can’t say I’m sorry you did, because that’d be like spitting on the blessing God gave me in you. But I can tell you that His ways are higher than our ways. I’m lucky if I know what I’m supposed to do tomorrow and God’s got it all already figured out. Today, tomorrow, next month, ten years from now. He knows it all. All that’s required of us is obedience and faith.”

  “I’m not sure I can do that blindly anymore,” Anna said, her blue eyes tortured with a haunted past that Wesley couldn’t begin to truly understand. Letting Anna go that night was the hardest thing he’d ever done. Still, he prayed fervently for God to show her how much she was loved, not just by Him, but by the people around her.

  The rest of the week went by in a blur and the closer Saturday came to being real, the more Wesley understood of long suffering. Since the night she’d remembered her past, Anna had been distant, often turning down his invitations to move her things onto his ranch so she’d be comfortable after the wedding. She was sullen and melancholy, her excitement over their impending nuptials was all fizzled out and he began to wonder if the wedding would even happen.

  “I can’t seem to reach her,” he lamented on Thursday afternoon, two days before the wedding. “She won’t see me, won’t even come out to the swing so we can talk. She’s all but secluded herself in her room.”

  “Maybe I should try to talk to her?” Cassandra offered. “We are close, but I am not her family. She may take less offense from me.”

  “You’re welcome to try,” Wesley agreed. “I’d appreciate any help at this point. The last thing I want is for her to think that we’ve all abandoned her just because she’s pushed us away.”

  ***

  Anna heard the knocking on her door and didn’t bother to answer. She just sat in the rocker by the window and continued to sway back and forth. She’d seen Cassandra heading her way and had steeled herself against the sympathy she’d hear in the woman’s voice.<
br />
  “Anna?” Cassandra said, giving a loud knock again. “Anna, open this door right now. You’re being selfish and inconsiderate to the people who love you, especially Wesley. He’s trying to put a wedding together without your help and he’s not even sure you’re going to show up. He’s heartsick that you’re hurting, but sitting in this room feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to solve anything. Now open up.”

  “How dare you act as if you know how I feel,” Anna spat, anger bursting from her.

  “You think you’re the only one to ever lose someone you love? Tomas and I have a wonderful story, but it’s not the whole of it. You may have noticed that we do not have children. Not for our lack of trying. The first time I got pregnant was ten years ago. The baby died inside of my womb not long after I found out I was pregnant. Six months later I was pregnant again, only to have the baby die one day after I delivered him. Over the course of our marriage I’ve lost six babies and eventually I had to accept that I’d never be a mother, something I’d wanted for myself and Tomas since the day he asked me to marry him. I’m not saying life is perfect, Anna. But sitting in this room won’t make you forget. Nothing will, but maybe, just maybe, Wesley and your aunt and uncle, your family can help you learn to cope with your loss, to remember all the good about the family you lost.”

  Anna slumped down on the bed and held tight to her righteous anger, until Cassandra wrapped an arm around her. Then the floodgates opened and years of heartache poured out. An hour later, Anna found Wesley working with Shem and Shamus to get them ready for the wedding. He’d braided silver ribbons into their manes and tails and shined their hooves.

  “I owe you an apology,” she said, meeting his startlingly gray eyes. “I was so lost in my own pain that I couldn’t see the pain I was causing you, or my family, your family.”