Sunlight and Shadows

by Christine Cross

  “We will need to get your next appointment set up,” the doctor added as he got to his feet and walked to the calendar on the wall. “It would be good for me to see you again at twenty-four weeks. Is that going to be okay?”

  Anna nodded. “I’m sure that we can arrange for someone to bring us into the city.”

  “You don’t have your own car?” the doctor questioned.

  Micah and Anna shook their heads. Micah appeared to be growing pale.

  Anna assumed the news of being a father was still sinking in.

  “Hmm, that is quite interesting. I am unfamiliar with the customs of the Amish,” he said. “Well, as long as you are able to get back here for your appointment.”

  “Don’t worry, we wouldn’t miss it for the –”

  Micah, who had been holding Anna’s hand, suddenly squeezed it so hard that she protested to the pressure.

  “Micah, I’m excited too, but –”

  His face was the color of broken egg shells, and his eyes bulged as he grasped the front of his shirt with his free hand.

  “Micah?” Anna cried, grabbing his shoulder as he bent over. She felt dizzy; fear had replaced elation so quickly that she felt like a completely different person.

  “Micah!” she shrieked when he didn’t reply.

  He fell all the way to the floor, not even attempting to catch himself.

  The doctor, who had his back turned and looking at the calendar, turned and rushed over to Micah who was lying on his side.

  Anna began to sob, and leaned up against the wall behind her. She could not remember standing. She could not believe her eyes; her husband laid on the ground, unresponsive to the doctor or herself. Something was very wrong, and it clouded her mind with pure, uninhibited panic.

  Somehow she found herself on the floor beside him as the doctor called out for help. She clutched his hand against her heart, praying as hard as she ever had in her life.

  Not a sound was apparent to her, and it all moved around her slowly and sluggishly. The lights were too bright, the sun too hot on her back. And she clung to a tiny, unspoken hope that Micah would be all right, that he would be safe. But a cold, gripping fear continually played horrible scenario after horrible scenario in circles in her mind, and she couldn’t stop it. What if one of them ended up being true? What if he…

  “Anna!”

  She blinked, clearing more tears from her eyes. She saw the face of her doctor right in front of her eyes.

  “Anna, I need you to come with me,” he said gently, his blue eyes behind his glasses sad and tired.

  She looked around; they were the only two in the room, and she knelt right in the middle of the floor. The sun had sunk low in the sky. The clock ticked far too loudly on the wall.

  “Where’s Micah?” she choked out. Her throat was raw, and it appeared quite a lot of time had passed since she had spoken.

  The doctor sighed and knelt down beside her on the floor. But he did not respond.

  “Where is he?” she asked a little more forcefully, her eyes filling with tears once more, afraid of the answer.

  The doctor looked at her. “Anna, please, I need you to come with me.”

  He helped her get to her feet, and she dusted off the knees of her dress. Her legs ached from sitting; it must have been for a longer time than she had thought.

  And she later realized that the way she had entered that room was very different from how she left it.

  *****

  “Sin had left a crimson stain; He washed it white as snow…”

  Bishop Thomas smiled from the front of the Miller’s living room as he returned to his pulpit. The song ended and the last notes faded from the air.

  “Thank you, you may be seated.”

  Anna took a deep breath as she resumed her seat on the bench.

  “Good morning!” Bishop Thomas said, his arms spread wide.

  “Good morning,” the congregation replied.

  Anna couldn’t bring herself to say it.

  “How are we all on this beautiful first day of summer that the Lord has provided?”

  There was a general murmur of gladness and excitement from those around her, but Anna could only close her eyes, alone in her suffering.

  One year, she thought. I can’t believe it’s been an entire year.

  The tiny infant in her arms fidgeted in her blankets.

  Anna looked down at Elizabeth, a healthy and sleepy six month old, and she gently rubbed her back. This was one of the first Sundays she was able to attend a normal church service, and she hoped and prayed that Elizabeth would just sleep through it.

  Fussy sounds came from the blankets, causing those sitting beside Anna to look over at her as Bishop Thomas asked them all to open their Bibles.

  “Shh, shh,” Anna whispered to Elizabeth, but it was no use.

  Elizabeth clenched her tiny fists and squeezed her eyes shut as she opened her mouth and began to wail loudly. Anna rocked her to try and soothe her, but many more people in the room turned to look. Even Bishop Thomas glanced over at her.

  And how she hated their looks; all they held was pity. The poor girl, they would say, alone and widowed with a baby. We keep praying for her.

  Embarrassed, she finally stood and decided to take Elizabeth from the room. She disliked being a disruption, and Elizabeth was particularly good at it. She wiped tears from her eyes with the back of her hand as she reached the door that went outside.

  She took a deep breath of the hot, sticky air outside. She closed the door behind herself and sat down on the bench right outside.

  And as soon as she was out of the room, Elizabeth calmed down, and happy coos filled the air.

  Anna smiled at her baby and shook her head. “You know, my darling, your mother needs to spend some time listening to God’s word. It’s important, for both of us.”

  Elizabeth snuggled into her arm and out of the warm sun.

  Soon enough, her breathing was steady and she had fallen back asleep, but Anna could not find the strength to return inside.

  She sighed heavily and looked out onto the Miller’s farmland. It was indeed a beautiful first day of summer, one that she knew Micah would have greatly appreciated. He always loved the warmer months of the year, where he could be outside and riding his horses.

  She hadn’t thought that today would be as hard as it was; all she could think of was the long day in the hospital, sitting in a cold, hard chair beside his bed as his heart monitor beeped. Each moment that passed she feared that it would stop. Each time his heart continued to beat, she thanked God for his blessings.

  But the day had ended just as she feared. That long, drawn out sound that meant the end of Micah’s life still haunted her dreams at night. It woke her from her fitful sleep and she would scream and cry, and then wake Elizabeth.

  Sometimes it was even hard to look at her, because she had his hair color, and her eyes had already started to turn a beautiful shade of green like his. But she loved those things about Elizabeth, because it also made her feel closer to him.

  She knew that he was no longer suffering, and she was just jealous for his company. She knew that she would see him again one day, when she also went home to be with the Lord, but for now, she had come to accept that her job was to raise their child in the best way that she could.

  But it was a lonely job. Her family had stepped up in a big way since Micah passed away and Elizabeth was born, but it was not the same. The support she longed for and the care she needed were things that her parents and siblings and cousins could not offer. Even her friends felt distant from her.

  She adjusted Elizabeth to her other arm; her hands were starting to feel numb.

  She had decided to keep the same doctor who had told them they were pregnant, because she felt as if he was the only one who could be gentle enough with her, and understanding. He had said Elizabeth was growing well, and she was a very healthy baby. He had encouraged Anna to take a walk everyday with Elizabeth, to help with the anxiet
y and sadness. She had taken his advice, and always felt better when she had.

  “There you are,” a voice called.

  Anna looked up and saw her mother come out of the building.

  She sat down on the bench beside Anna. “Are you alright?”

  Anna looked at Elizabeth. “Yes. I think she’s still not used to all of the noise and the people.”

  Her mother nodded. “That will take some time, but eventually you will be able to sit through a service.”

  Anna sighed. “I hope so.”

  Her mother squeezed Anna’s knee. “Are you holding up okay? I mean, the date…”

  “I’m alright, but thank you for asking.”

  “Time is really the only thing that is going to help,” her mother said.

  “I don’t think this is something I’ll ever truly move on from,” Anna replied. She knew she would always love Micah, even if he was gone.

  “Is the service almost over?” Anna asked, the subject of Micah making her uncomfortable.

  “It is, that’s why I felt it was appropriate for me to excuse myself,” her mother said.

  “Well, thank you for coming out to see me,” Anna said.

  “You’re welcome, my dear.”

  The rest of the congregation soon came out of the doors, and a few others came to check on her. She smiled up at them and made light of Elizabeth’s fussiness, and hid behind her love for the baby. She had no desire to remind everyone what the day actually meant for her, and how hard it was for her.

  She watched many of them walk down the drive back towards their homes for a hearty lunch and a relaxing afternoon. She was about to follow her mother and father down the road when she heard the door beside her close again.

  “Oh, you’re still here.”

  She turned and saw the face of an old friend, Joshua. He was very tall, with mousey hair and eyes as blue as a robin’s egg. She hadn’t seen him in what felt like years. They had grown up together, their family’s farms right next door to each other. She had spent a lot of time with him as a child, but as they had grown older, they had gone on with their own lives, and no longer conversed.

  “Joshua, it’s good to see you,” Anna said honestly. It was a comfort to see the familiar face of a friend like his.

  “It’s good to see you too,” he replied. He hesitated and looked down the drive.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to keep you,” Anna said, very aware of his discomfort.

  “No, no,” he said, holding up his hands. “I was just helping Bishop Thomas clean up the house.”

  Anna nodded. “That was very kind of you.”

  Joshua shrugged his shoulders. “I just like helping people.”

  Anna smiled. “You used to say that all the time as a child.”

  He perked up. “You remember that?”

  “Of course I do. We were practically inseparable, weren’t we?” And she laughed. The nostalgia was potent and it brought a joy to her heart that she hadn’t felt in some time. It was the joy of a time before Micah’s death, of a place where she had no idea of her future or what she would encounter. And somehow, it was a time in her life that was untouched by grief and sadness.

  “We were,” he replied. “I just assumed you had forgotten all of that.”

  “You can’t think me that heartless, do you?”

  Now he smiled. “No, I guess not.”

  It was apparent that Elizabeth had not enjoyed her mother’s laughter, for she had woken again and resumed her crying.

  Anna, quite exasperated, bounced her and attempted to calm her.

  “I’m sorry, dear,” she said to Elizabeth. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  Joshua crossed the distance to her. “Can I help?” he asked, holding his hands out for the baby.

  Anna looked at him. He seemed sincere, and she was surprised when she saw no hint of pity in his eyes. He was just being kind.

  “Alright,” she said after a few moments of consideration. She passed the blanketed baby to Joshua, who took her in his arms with such grace and care that she refrained from saying her well-rehearsed instructions on how to hold a baby.

  He seemed to forget Anna as he looked down at the infant in his large arms. She looked so tiny. He rocked her back and forth gently and hummed a verse of Jesus Paid It All before her tears stopped and happy baby giggles took their place.

  “Wow,” Anna said. “My own mother can’t even comfort her that quickly. She doesn’t calm down for anyone but me.”

  The image of such a strong man holding her child made her miss Micah in an incredible way. He had never been able to hold his own child like this, and she felt it was a cruel truth that so many others had been able to. But she wasn’t angry with Joshua. In fact, it brought her a great comfort to see him holding her so joyfully.

  And then he looked up at Anna and beamed at her, like the tiny baby in his arms was the best present he had ever received. And for a moment, she saw seven year old Joshua running around with her through the fields of wild flowers in the summer, or splashing in the vast, muddy puddles of the spring. He was happy, just as he had always been, and she suddenly felt as if she had been given a long forgotten favorite toy back, and she couldn’t remember ever wanting to let it go in the first place.

  *****

  “Can I walk you home?”

  “What?” Anna asked.

  Joshua looked at her curiously, Elizabeth still held in his arms. “Can I walk you two home?”

  She felt her heart beating rapidly against her ribcage. The last time someone had asked her that question, it was had been Micah, and she had been seventeen. And it was the night that he had told her how much he had liked her, and wanted to know if she wished to go steady with him. They had a romantic year together, and she had fallen head over heels in love with him instantly. They had been married the following fall.

  “Oh, yes, of course,” she said, knowing that was not what he was asking her. “Besides, she seems content with you holding her. And my arms could use the rest.”

  “That’s why I was offering,” Joshua said, smiling.

  They turned and walked up the drive together, the sun warm and high in the sky.

  “I know that a lot of people have probably already said this to you today, but…” he trailed off and tickled Elizabeth’s cheek, who giggled. “But I’m sorry. I’m sure today has been very hard for you so far.”

  “You remembered?” Anna asked.

  He looked down at her. “Of course I did. I have been praying for you all week about today. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.”

  She looked down at her feet as she walked. “No one aside from my family has said anything today.”

  Joshua was quiet in his response for a moment. “Perhaps they just wished to respect your privacy,” he said eventually.

  She laughed, but it was not because of amusement. “They probably just didn’t know. And I can’t be upset about that. Everyone has their own lives and their own problems to deal with. I can’t expect everyone else’s worlds or worries to revolve around me.”

  Joshua smiled at her words and looked as if he wished to say something, and then decided against it. They continued to walk in silence for a while.

  “Thank you, for saying something,” Anna said. It really had meant a lot to her. It made her not feel so isolated.

  Soon her family’s farmhouse came into view, and on the hill behind it, she could see his. Walking beside him, she almost felt if she were a child once more, and it was so very strange to have all of the memories and responsibilities of an adult, but for her mind to be reliving in vivid detail the life as a child.

  “Anna! Joshua!”

  Her father was outside the house, sitting in a sunny patch of grass on a chair that he had crafted himself. He stood as they approached.

  “My, my, it seems someone has a natural gift with children,” her father said as he noticed Elizabeth in Joshua’s arms.

  Joshua shrugged his shoulders. “I helped my
sister with her first child, and I’m not sure why, but babies just seem to like me.”

  Her father smiled and clapped him on the shoulder. “Thank you for walking Anna and Elizabeth home. That was very kind of you.”

  “Not a problem, sir. I was happy to do it.”

  “Why don’t you stay for lunch, my boy? I’m sure your folks wouldn’t mind.”

  Joshua looked down at Anna, a questioning look on his face.

  She looked between him and her father. “I think it would be nice,” she decided to say. In truth, she wished for him to stay as long as possible. Being in his presence had drawn out of a sense of comfort that she had not felt in quite a long time. She knew that she could trust him and didn’t feel as if she had to put on a fake smile around him. It was almost freeing.

  And he had been praying for her, she reflected. What a kind, selfless act for someone who she hadn’t spoken to in a long, long time. It was such a powerful statement, and one that she felt incredibly humbled by.

  For the first time in a long time, she saw a bright spot on the edge of a shadowed horizon.

  Her mother had been delighted when she saw Joshua walk in the house with Anna and her father. Her parents treated Joshua just as they had when he was a child; as part of the family. Her youngest brother, Samuel, who was thirteen, was even overjoyed to see Joshua come into the house.

  In celebration, her mother made Anna’s favorite dessert, rhubarb pie. It was late afternoon before they enjoyed it, but Anna hadn’t even noticed the time passing.

  Conversation with Joshua was easy, almost effortless. He made her laugh, and he never let go of Elizabeth, only when she needed a diaper change or to be fed. He held onto her with such gentleness and affection that it warmed Anna’s heart. It also was nice to have a break from holding Elizabeth. She actually enjoyed a hot cup of tea for the first time in months without a tiny hand attempting to grab it out of her grasp.

  “Are you attending the Sunday singing service this evening?” Anna asked Joshua.

  He shook his head. “No, I haven’t been going for a while. The people who go are quite a bit younger than I am, and it’s hard to watch them all staring at each other and flirting and crying. It’s just too…dramatic for me.”