Sunlight and Shadows

by Christine Cross

  I sighed. Being a woman, she was most appealing to suitors when she was younger, so as to be able to have a family that was healthy and happy. I could continue to search for a suitor for quite a few more years. And our parents had been attempting to match us with suitors for nearly four years now.

  And Grace had not liked a single one. They all had been too old, too short, too rich, or too arrogant. There was always something obviously wrong, and she would never hear otherwise. But tonight was different. She was seemingly enraptured with Edwin, who likewise seemed smitten. It was like something out of a storybook, where the prince and princess fall madly in love the first time they meet.

  Well, it certainly was a surprise. To both of us. And isn’t that what she had wanted and hoped for?

  “My dear, I hope you know that this isn’t the end.”

  I looked over at her. “What do you mean, Mother?”

  She smiled a small, knowing smile. “Something in your demeanor has changed tonight. It changed when we introduced dear Grace to our friend Mr. Montgomery. Everything that we have talked about tonight,” she hesitated. “Just realize that nothing has been decided, and nothing has been set in stone. Yet. But also know this. You won’t have forever to make up your mind.”

  And with that, she drifted off through the crowd to find, I assumed, my father.

  Dumbfounded, I watched her walk away, my mind reeling.

  *****

  Was she…was she implying what I thought she might be? Was she suggesting…no. How could she be?

  Grace’s laugh carried across the room, and I immediately found her in the crowd. Another curl had loosened itself from the thick tress of chestnut hair, and still she did not notice it.

  She was so beautiful. Her smile lit up her whole face, and her green eyes were bright in the

  Standing there alone in that moment, I felt vulnerable. Could I even let myself think these thoughts?

  Something in your demeanor has changed tonight.

  I had felt it too. Of course I wasn’t falling ill. I had so desperately not wanted to admit what I knew from the start; I was not comfortable with any of this.

  But why this time? I had been happy about it every time before, always hopeful and eager right alongside Grace. I had always imagined our future families to be similar to our own childhood ones, where we could be friends. She and my wife would be wonderful mothers, and I would, of course, be quite happy with her husband, and consider him a great friend.

  But why was this time so different?

  You know why, a small voice in the very back corner of my mind murmured.

  I sighed. It’s because it never worked out with any of the others, I replied to it.

  However, here was a situation in which my hopes could be a reality. I already knew Edwin, knew his character. I could trust him to take care of her. I could trust him to be loving and nurturing. He had a fantastic job, a wonderful home, and she would never want for anything. In many ways, he could be the best match for her thus far.

  I should eagerly be anticipating this union right alongside our families, secretly hoping for tonight to be the first night of a blossoming, beautiful relationship. And then I could rest easy and sit back and wait until I myself found someone.

  But it could also be the last night of our relationship.

  She would spend far more time with him from now on, and in turn, far less time with me. It might even be inappropriate for a single man to spend time with a woman who might very soon be engaged.

  The wedding would most likely take place on her parents’ estate, in the very place where she and I had spent so many years together. It would probably take place out beside the pond in her mother’s garden, in the spring months when the flowers in the trees were in bloom and the weather was mild. The same garden where we used to swim as children, where she cried with me when her sisters teased her, and where we would sneak out and stare at the stars together.

  She would certainly move with him back to Brighton, where his manor was located. I would possibly see them if they decided to visit during the winters again. But if children were involved, it would be far harder for them to travel. And then I would hardly ever see her.

  And we would grow apart.

  And…I would lose my best friend.

  Why had I never thought of this before? My first thought has always been about Grace, and wanting her to be happy. In the same way that she wanted me to be happy. We had spent countless hours growing up talking about what we hoped our future spouse would be like, and never had we ever even discussed the possibility about it being the other one. The idea would have been preposterous, just as my mother had said. She was like my sister. At least it seemed that way when we were younger.

  The song came to an end and I watched the couples separate from one another. I couldn’t seem to see Edwin or Grace. I looked around the room, even took a few more steps closer to the crowd. That was odd. I couldn’t see them anywhere.

  A burn started in my stomach again, and I felt my pulse quicken. Where could they have gone? I made my way around the dancers as another song started up, and my puzzlement grew and grew with each step. I stepped out into one of the parlors and relaxed when I saw them sitting together on a couch underneath a window. But they were quite alone, removed from the rest of the room, their heads bent toward one another. Grace’s posture was relaxed and she even leaned in towards him, as if hoping to separate some of the distance between them.

  I leaned against the doorframe out of their sight, and out of sight of any of the other guests. I took a few deep breaths, attempting to calm my nerves. This was so ridiculous.

  You won’t have forever to make up your mind.

  I balled my hands into fists and bit down on the corner of my lip. What does that mean, Mother?

  I took another deep breath. What if, for just a moment, I contemplated about what it might be like if I were to be a suitor for Grace? What if it was me that married her?

  I imagined what a daily life with her would be like. Well, I spent enough time with her now to know her habits and mannerisms. She would most likely spend a lot of time outdoors, perhaps in a garden or reading. She would insist on doing much of the housework on her own, and she would treat her own servants like family.

  She would insist I take her to town nearly every day in the summer, and she would want to keep a large amount of animals around to keep her company while I was away working. She would maintain a sense of organized chaos, and she would most likely never wear shoes in the house.

  I smiled in spite of myself.

  But what about how I felt about it? Surely I would be able to live with her, that much was obvious. I think we could make each other happy; in fact, we might be the best suited to that task for each other. On the other hand, we might despise one another. Perhaps as friends we make a great match, but maybe as a married couple, we might contrast greatly.

  Could I love her well? My, that was a strange thought. Had I ever thought about…loving her?

  I peeked around the corner again, and found Grace and Edwin seated on the couch together still. I swallowed hard as I watched the line of Grace’s jaw as she spoke, the slenderness of her arms, and the corner of her mouth as she smiled. Of course I loved her, I thought. I had always loved her. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her, and I know that she felt the same way about me. But did that translate into any sort of romantic feelings?

  Of course I found her beautiful. She and all of her sisters had a very classic, natural beauty. Where many women felt the need to adorn themselves with expensive dresses and jewelry to enhance their features, the Fletcher girls always were beautiful, even when they worked on their father’s farmland.

  I sat back against the wall, out of sight and in the shadows. I leaned my head back and looked up at the ceiling.

  What it came down to was tonight I had to decide if I could live without Grace in my life or not. Could I let her be married to Edwin, and most likely be removed from my life? If it m
ade her happy, shouldn’t I let her be with whom she wants? Could I let our lives and our relationship change forever?

  That’s considering that she might not wish to be with me instead.

  I suddenly realized that no matter what happened, our relationship would never be the same. For either I would let her go and allow her to be with Mr. Montgomery, if he was who she so chose, or I would…I wasn’t sure. What would I do? Tell her? Tell her what exactly?

  My stomach tightened and I felt as if the wine might reappear.

  But regardless, something tonight had changed. Tomorrow would be different no matter what.

  I banged my head against the wall. This was aggravating! How was I supposed to make such a monumental decision in such a short amount of time? It didn’t seem possible. Where had these thoughts come from? Why was Edwin so different? Why had her reaction to him bothered him so much?

  Had I truly had feelings for her all along? Had I been lying to myself for the last however many years, the truth dormant until something like this happened? Had I always been happy for these sorts of events secretly believing somewhere deep inside of me that she would never actually find someone? Had I been just like her mother, already knowing that she would turn down all of the suitors?

  Did I believe that this sort of cycle would just go on forever?

  Maybe it truly was that I didn’t want anyone else to be with her. Maybe deep down inside, I always wished for it to be the two of us, but I never consciously made that decision on my own. Neither had I found someone to be with, nor had I ever met anyone that even remotely caught my interest. Why was that?

  It was because Grace was always there. I never, ever saw anyone but Grace. No one was as kind as Grace, as playful as Grace. No one knew me like Grace.

  I felt as if my entire world had just flipped onto its head. How in the world had this never crossed my mind? How had I never seen this? I had been completely blind my entire life. The reason why I had never even noticed another woman or approached another woman seriously for her hand was because of Grace. She was always right there in front of me, and I had never realized just how much a part of my life she was.

  I looked at her and Edwin again with new eyes. Suddenly, it made compete sense why it upset me so much. Because I couldn’t imagine her being with anyone else, and I couldn’t lose her. Not now. Not now when it all made complete and utter sense.

  I exhaled slowly, the revelation of it all sinking into my bones.

  I was in love with Grace, and I always had been.

  *****

  Without even realizing what I was doing, I walked across the room to where she and Edwin were seated on the couch.

  “Hello there,” I said, and both of them turned to look up at me.

  “Ah, there’s my friend Mr. Gale!” Edwin said, raising his glass to me. “How is the evening treating you?”

  Grace smiled up at me, and I felt the knot in my chest tighten. Was I absolutely losing my mind? What was I going to say?

  “Very well, thank you,” I replied, bowing my head slightly. I turned to Grace. “Miss Fletcher, I was hoping that you might share the next dance with me?”

  Edwin stood to his feet and grinned. “Yes, what a fantastic idea! I certainly cannot keep the lovely Miss Fletcher all to myself this evening!” He turned to her, helping her to her feet. “Do make sure to save me a dance before the night is through!”

  She smiled at me, and then nodded at Edwin. “Of course, Mr. Montgomery. Nothing would please me more.”

  “Well off you go then! I will go find your charming mother, Oliver. She insisted I tell her all about my mother’s letter I received this morning.” And with a wave of his hand, he excused himself from the room.

  I suddenly felt the tension return to my shoulders.

  “Whatever could be the matter with you?”

  I looked over at Grace. “What do you mean?”

  She put her hands on her waist. “You have been pale and acting very strange all evening. Now tell me, what is the matter with you?”

  I swallowed. “Come, let’s go have our dance.”

  She took a step back from me, but smiled slyly. “Not before you tell me what is going on inside that think head of yours.”

  I smiled in spite of myself. “Come now, I’ll tell you while we dance.”

  She seemed to consider my words, and eventually she put her hand in my outstretched one and followed me back to the room where all of the dancers were.

  She continued to pester me the whole way, but I only heard some of her words. My mind seemed too full of possible things to say to her, how to word it, and all of her possible reactions to it.

  No matter what happened, I only had until tomorrow before things changed forever.

  The music began and her eyes were fixed on me, and I could tell she grew more and more curious the longer I remained silent.

  “So what were your thoughts on Mr. Montgomery?” I finally decided on. I had to see what her thoughts were first. That was more important than my own feelings. I was prepared to hear the worst for myself and bury my own feelings in order to preserve her happiness.

  She smiled a small smile. “He’s quite a gentleman. Very kind, thoughtful, respectful.”

  My heartbeat quickened. I hadn’t expected her answer to be much different, but in light of the recent discovery in myself, the words still hurt. “You know what I really mean, Grace.”

  She suddenly seemed exacerbated, and shook her head. “I don’t know, I’ve never ever seriously considered someone before. It’s strange. I truly don’t know what to do.”

  “It’s strange for me as well,” I replied.

  “Really?” She replied looking at me.

  “It is, since every man before Mr. Montgomery had been wrong in your eyes.” We danced in silence for a few moments, her lost in thought, and myself dreading what she might say.

  “So what do I do?”

  Here was the moment that I had waited for. Here was the perfect opportunity. I could completely change everything about our relationship here in this moment. I wasn’t sure that I could walk away from tonight without letting her know how I felt. It was so strong now that it had surfaced, and it threatened to spill out. I should just let it.

  I pulled her towards me, pulling her out of the dance position, and looked at her straight in the eyes.

  “Grace Fletcher, I realized tonight that I could not imagine my own life without you in it. When I saw you look at Mr. Montgomery, it stirred up something deep inside myself that I did not know existed. I realized that there could be no better match for me than you. No one has ever been right, and I never understood why. Until tonight. Until I saw you start to slip away from me. I realized that I had never felt our relationship threatened until tonight, and it was then that I realized that I needed you. I needed to be the one that you end up with.”

  “Mr. Gale,” she breathed, her green eyes wide and her cheeks growing more red each moment.

  “I realized that I love you dearly, Miss Grace. I always have. I have loved you since we were little. You have been my very best friend for as long as I can remember, and because of that, I don’t know exactly when I fell in love with you. All I know is that it is all I have ever known. You know me better than I know myself, and I realized that no one else in this world would ever know me as well you, nor would anyone know you as well as I.”

  She couldn’t speak; her mouth hung open in a slight gape, and her eyes searched mine. She began to tear up, and her arms began to tremble. But I couldn’t stop now, I had to get it all out. I realized that many eyes were fixated on us, but thankfully the music still played, and it drowned out our voices from the rest of the room.

  “I had to make a decision tonight, whether I could let you go and live with another man as his wife. I decided if that was going to make you happier than being with me, then I will swallow my pride and my love and I will ask you to forgive me for such an outburst. I will never speak of it again, because my only wish is
for you to be as happy as you possibly can be.” I stared into her eyes, and the room and the people and the music around us seemed to disappear.

  “But, if that is not what would make you happy, then I ask you,” I laughed, feelings tears well up in my own eyes, “No, I beg you, please, would you take my hand in marriage, and make me the happiest man on God’s green earth?”

  She pulled her hands out of my grasp, and she slowly placed them on either side of my face. She searched my face, a few tears spilling out onto her cheeks and down her face. And then she laughed, the tears coming harder.

  “You silly, silly boy. I have waited for you to say those words to me since I was a little girl and we sat beside the pond on my parents’ estate talking about our lives one day. I always thought you would think me a fool, and I believed it was just a young girl’s infatuation. But it never left me. It always was there, that hope, way deep down inside of me.”

  More tears fell onto her cheeks. “I eventually gave up on that hope when our parents began matching us with different suitors. I assumed that since no one had suggested the obvious, that it wasn’t meant to be.” She laughed heartily. “No man has ever been good enough for me either, because not one of them has matched up to you.”

  Without caring about the propriety of my actions, I scooped her up into my arms and spun her around, holding her tightly against me. I felt as if I could fly! I cried and laughed into her hair, my hands trembling with joy, my head light and dizzy. How much the night had changed from when we had first arrived?

  I placed her down on her feet and we just smiled at one another.

  “Mr. Gale, my answer is yes. It has always been yes, and it will always, always be yes.”

  There was an eruption like none that I had heard before around us. Cheering and clapping and calling out. Startled, Grace and I looked around the room at all the people. Everyone had turned to face us. All of their faces reflected the same thing; joy.