Having My Baby

by Theresa Ragan

  He hit the On button and like magic his mother’s voice replaced the moo moo here and the moo moo there, here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo. He’d never been so relieved to hear his mother’s voice—that is, until she finished her first sentence.

  “Hi, son. I wanted you to know I went to the store for the really good kind of anti-bacterial soap. I made everybody scrub up. Your sisters even gave us all manicures to make sure we’re all good to go. No horse manure smells inside or out. Do you think Jill will let us hold the baby if you tell her we all scrubbed clean?”

  He glanced at Jill and noticed her blossoming cheeks. “No need for me to tell her, Mom. We’re on speaker phone.”

  “Oh, hello, Jill.”

  “Hello, Mrs. Baylor.”

  “Please, call me Helen. I hope I didn’t say anything that might offend you in any way. I just wanted—”

  “Mom,” Derrick interrupted. “We’ll be there in five.” He shut the Off button just in time to hear the pig oinking here and there and everywhere. He was about to sing along when Jill reached over and shut off the music. He glanced in the rearview mirror in time to see Sandy cross her arms and raise both brows for good measure.

  Jill huffed. “You told your mother they couldn’t hold Ryan because they didn’t have clean enough hands?”

  “I didn’t put it exactly like that. Don’t forget, they live and work on a pony farm.”

  “Ponies!” Lexi shouted loud enough to make Derrick’s ear drums hurt.

  Jill released a long sigh.

  “I told Mom and Dad that you didn’t want them to make a big deal about your visit—you know—no signs, no balloons, no fanfare,” Derrick said. “I also told them you didn’t feel comfortable passing Ryan around—you know—like a football.”

  She groaned.

  Sandy continued to glare at him via the rearview mirror, eyes narrowed, lips tight.

  Lexi laughed and said, “Howiewood called Tommy Boy a whistle,” Lexi said with glee in her voice, making Derrick realize the apple truly didn’t fall far from the tree.

  Jill frowned. “Tommy Boy?”

  “Thomas,” he said.

  “A whistle?” Sandy asked.

  “A weasel, not a whistle,” Derrick corrected.

  Jill snorted. “Oh, that’s much better.”

  Sandy laughed.

  The sound startled Derrick because even though he knew Sandy was slowly softening toward him, despite the occasional dagger eyes and before his mom ruined everything, he still hadn’t thought Sandy was capable of laughing.

  Sandy looked into the rearview mirror and wrinkled her nose. “What are you looking at?”

  “Just checking to see if you’re laughing at my expense.”

  She laughed some more. “Definitely.”

  “It’s not funny,” Jill told Sandy. “Tommy Boy—I mean, Tommy—I mean Thomas— is not a weasel.”

  “But he makes you cry,” Lexi said, her voice much too serious for a four-year old.

  “Not any longer,” Jill said.

  “Howiewood said he would never make you cry. I think he wikes you.”

  Although he kept his eyes on the road, he figured Jill was looking his way—probably trying to figure out what his problem was. Sandy had already made it clear that he was a dead man if he ever hurt Jill. At least they were no longer focused on what Mom had said about his entire family sterilizing their hands before they got there. No matter how he looked at it, there was no getting around the fact that this was going to be a long day.

  It wasn’t long before Derrick parked the car on the curb outside his parent’s ranch house. The first sign he might be in bigger trouble than he already was came in the form of an assortment of foil, Mylar, and latex balloons—in every shape, size, and color. The second sign was an actual sign—a ten-by-three foot expanse of white paper hanging over his parents’ front door with big red letters that spelled out, “Welcome, Jill and Ryan!”

  He figured Jill hadn’t noticed since she had already climbed out of the car and was busy fiddling with the buckles and belts on the child seat. When she was finished, she kissed Ryan on the tip of his nose and then handed Ryan to him.

  As he held Ryan in his arms, he gazed upon his son for a long moment, almost as if he was looking at him for the first time. It hit him like a bolt of lightning. His son was here to meet his parents for the first time. Why that particular thought would make him feel as if a multitude of moth wings were flittering around inside his gut, making him feel all woozy and emotional, he didn’t want to know. He’d never been big on emotions. He didn’t do woozy and emotional, and he certainly didn’t see any reason to start now. Swallowing the knot lodged in his throat, he blinked a couple of times to get control of himself.

  Jill collected Ryan’s things and then looked at him. “Are you okay? You look pale.”

  “We never should have brought him here.”

  She smiled. “You’re the one who was worried about clean hands. Don’t worry,” she said, “your secret is safe with me. And stop worrying about Ryan. He’ll be fine.”

  Derrick grabbed her arm, stopping Jill from heading for the house. Sandy was already chasing Lexi across the yard. “I’ve wanted to tell you all morning how much I enjoyed last night.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “I’ve seen better movies, but never with better company.”

  That cute little dent of hers appeared again…until she frowned. “What is wrong with you? You look as if you’re about to take the death march.”

  “You haven’t met the entire family all at once.”

  “I thought you were excited about this—about your family meeting Ryan?”

  “You’re right. I am excited. I’m fine. They’ll be fine. You’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.” He let go of her arm and then looked at Ryan, who seemed to be growing at the speed of light.

  “Come on, Howiewood!” Lexi shouted.

  “We’re coming,” Jill answered.

  Ryan was sucking on his fingers again.

  “I think the little guy is hungry,” Derrick said as they headed for the house, hoping to distract Jill in case she hadn’t noticed the assorted balloons affixed to the mailbox or the big Mylar ones swinging from the branches of the elm tree in the front yard.

  “We can feed him when we get inside.” She looked over her shoulder at him. “No signs, no balloons, no fanfare?”

  “You noticed, huh?”

  She rolled her eyes. “I’m surprised the local news trucks aren’t here for the big event.”

  “I think aliens abducted my family. Not once in my life have I seen a sign, let alone balloons, in a quarter of a mile radius of my house before today.”

  “I wike balloons!” Lexi said, running toward the tree. Sandy continued to chase after her.

  The door to his parents’ house came open and his mom and dad stepped outside, followed by his brother Lucas, and then Jake, and his sisters Rachel and Zoey.

  Once again Derrick found himself hoping that it wasn’t a mistake bringing Jill to meet his family. After today, Jill might waltz into the mediation room next month with enough ammunition against him to convince the mediator to never allow him to see his son again.

  His father had stopped to talk to Lexi and Sandy while his mother headed straight for her grandson. She and Jill hugged, squeezing the life out of one another since they were both natural-born huggers. They released each other long enough for his mother to turn toward Derrick and focus her full attention on Ryan. With a hand over her heart, Mom let out a noise that sounded like she’d died and gone to heaven right then and there. “He’s the most perfect baby on this earth,” she crooned.

  “That’s what you said about Garrett’s baby,” Derrick reminded her.

  “True, but now we have one perfect little girl and one perfect little boy.”

  Mom looked squarely into Jill’s eyes. “I can’t thank you enough for allowing us to meet Ryan today. I thought my heart would burst if another day went by
without getting to see him.”

  Before Jill could respond, she was bombarded by the rest of his family, everyone asking questions and talking at once. His sisters oohed and ahhed at the baby as they all moved up the walkway and through the double doors leading into the house.

  Derrick hardly had time to finish introducing Jill before Mom ushered everyone out the sliding glass door and into the backyard for a feast of finger foods, including cream cheese and garlic crostini and overcooked hamburgers and hotdogs. His mom had taken his son from him before he could stop her. She was holding Ryan close to her chest as she walked side by side with Jill, heading for the picnic benches.

  While Derrick watched the subtle sway of Jill’s hips as she moved across the yard, one of his brothers shoved a plate into his hands and pointed to the food, telling him to eat. Derrick had no idea where Sandy and Lexi had disappeared to, because from the looks of things, more and more people were pouring into the backyard with every passing minute.

  First to enter through the side gate were Mr. and Mrs. Cooley from across the street. And he was pretty sure the man with the moustache and squinty eyes who came in behind them was Dr. Frost, his dentist from way back. Two elderly ladies entered the backyard from the kitchen sliding door. One woman he didn’t recognize and one he did: Grandma Dora was here—and that meant trouble.

  Judging by the never-ending line of people streaming into the backyard, Mom had invited most of Arcadia. Figuring he better eat before making the social rounds, he placed a crostini, which was basically cream cheese and onion on bread, and a ham roll next to his overdone hamburger. His parents weren’t the best cooks in town, but they always had two or more long tables covered with enough food to feed the neighborhood.

  After chatting with Mr. and Mrs. Cooley for a while, Derrick sifted through the crowd. As far as he could tell, Jill had found something to nibble on while his mother and sisters hovered around her and the baby. He spotted Sandy across the yard and noticed that she had made a friend of his brother, Jake, which worried him a little because as much as he liked Lexi, he couldn’t imagine coming to his parents’ get-togethers only to be scowled at for the rest of his life. Besides, Jake was too young for Sandy.

  Mom must have already eaten because she looked more than content sitting next to Jill and feeding Ryan a bottle while introducing Jill to everyone who stopped to take a peek at her new grandson.

  A big hand settled on his shoulder and he turned to see who was there. “Hey, Dad. What’s up?”

  Dad shook his head as if he couldn’t find the words to express whatever it was he wanted to say. Finally he coughed and said, “My little boy is growing up.”

  “Dad, are you serious? I’ll be thirty soon. You’re not going soft on me, are you?” His dad had retired from his position as bank manager two years ago. It suddenly occurred to Derrick that he hadn’t taken his dad golfing in a while. Obviously, it was time he did.

  Dad blinked a couple of times, reminding Derrick of his own breakdown earlier when he’d realized he was here to introduce his son to his family.

  “Holy shit,” Derrick said. “You’re crying, aren’t you?”

  Dad stiffened. “You have a son now. No more cursing.”

  “Okay, you’re right. No cursing.” Derrick pointed a finger at him. “But no crying either.”

  “Don’t be an ass. I wasn’t crying.”

  Derrick inhaled and decided to let it go—the crying and the cursing. “Quite a spread Mom prepared for us today,” he said.

  “Yeah. Just don’t eat the ham rolls,” Dad said. “They taste like fish.”

  Ah, much better. There was the dad he knew and loved. “They’re supposed to taste like fish,” Derrick reminded him. “Mom put tuna in the middle of them. That’s what we used to get in our lunches.”

  “I’m sorry about that,” his dad said, and judging by his serious tone, he meant it. “I knew she couldn’t cook the first time she made me dinner forty–some-odd years ago. But once your mother decided I was the one she was going to marry, I didn’t stand a chance.”

  Derrick decided not to tell him that Mom said the same thing about him.

  “I like Jill,” Dad said. “She seems intelligent and friendly. It’s good to see you with someone who has some brains for once.”

  “Dad, we’re not dating.”

  “She’s the mother of your child. Of course, you’re dating. Whether you like it or not, the two of you will be dating for the rest of your life.”

  Derrick glanced back at Jill and tried to picture the two of them together—forever. “I hardly know her.”

  “So what?”

  “She’s not my type.”

  “You mean you’re not her type.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “Look at her,” Dad said. “She’s perfect. She’s got grace and manners and she has a singing voice.”

  Since when did his father care about grace and manners? The alien was back. “What do you mean a singing voice? Have you heard her sing?”

  “Of course not. And so what if she’s not 38, 26, 38? Your mother likes her.”

  As his dad sang Jill’s praises, Derrick watched Jill’s eyes light up as she laughed about something Mom said to her, which frightened him a little because that meant Mom was telling her about how shy he used to be when he was six and how he was the only kid that would hang onto her leg as if he’d die if she left him for two minutes. Mom loved that story. The truth was Connor had been the shy one. Mom probably had the two of them mixed up, but it was her story and she was sticking to it.

  As Dad rambled on, Derrick reached over and flicked a crumb off of his dad’s favorite T-shirt, the bright yellow one that read, DAD IS RAD. “Are you ever going to get rid of that ugly shirt?”

  “Probably not.”

  “You wear it just to annoy us, don’t you?”

  “You got it, kiddo.”

  Lexi tugged at the hem of Derrick’s shirt, and he obediently bent down to her level. “What is it, Lexi?”

  “Mommy said you would give me a piggy-back ride if I was good.”

  Derrick knew he’d been set up. He looked over at Sandy and saw her quickly look away. Satan was a tricky one. He looked at Lexi. “Have you been a good girl today?”

  Her eyes widened. “Very good. And I wike your house.”

  “It’s not Wike, it’s Like,” his dad explained to Lexi. “Put your tongue like this.” Dad showed Lexi how to make the L sound and Derrick didn’t try to stop him.

  As Derrick watched his father try to show Lexi what to do, he couldn’t help but wonder when he had become his dad? He shook his head at the thought.

  Lexi curled her tongue and said, “Wike.” And the two of them went back and forth until Dad finally just walked away.

  Lexi quickly forgot all about Dad and turned back to Derrick. “I want to see the ponies.”

  “We’ll ride the ponies after everyone eats, okay? Until then, you’ll have to pretend I’m a pony.” Derrick set his plate on the corner of the closest food table and then hunched down low so Lexi could climb onto his back.

  With a running start, Lexi jumped instead of climbed, and then used the heels of both her feet to kick him in the ribs. “Faster, faster,” she said. And he dutifully obeyed. If Maggie hadn’t appeared through the side gate wearing a white cotton dress and looking like a million bucks, he might have lasted another five minutes, at least.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “So you’re not married and you’re not dating anyone?”

  Jill smiled at Grandma Dora and answered the same question for the third time in the past ten minutes. Derrick’s sister, Rachel, gave Jill an I’m-so-sorry-you-have-to-go-through-this look.

  Truthfully though, Grandma Dora was fun to be around and Jill was glad she’d come to the picnic to meet everyone. Derrick’s family, whether she had planned it this way or not, was going to be a part of her and Ryan’s life. Over the last few hours, Jill had managed to squeeze in a few questions of
her own, but getting a word in edgewise was not an easy task around the Baylor family.

  “I’m glad you’re available,” Grandma Dora said, “because I think you and my little monkey make a cute couple.”

  Rachel put a hand to her temple. “Oh, Grandma, please. We all have real-life names and Derrick is way too old to be called monkey any longer.”

  “Don’t get your panties in a twist, my little Tinkerbell. It’s just a name. Nothing to get worked up about.”

  “She is right,” Derrick’s mom chimed in. “Jill and Derrick definitely make gorgeous babies together. Just look at this sweet face. Is he the best baby in the whole wide world, or what?”

  Rachel and Jill looked at one another and laughed.

  An hour and a half ago Jill had given up trying to convince Derrick’s mother, two dozen neighbors, and especially Grandma Dora, that she and Derrick weren’t meant to be. They were not fate in the making or destiny at work. For starters she explained that Derrick loved football, while Jill had never watched a game in her life. According to some older articles she’d found on the Internet, Derrick tended to date curvy voluptuous women. Jill happened to be the opposite of voluptuous. She wore an A cup before Ryan was born, and she had no hips to speak of. According to his sisters, Derrick was a meat and potato guy. She preferred sushi. Derrick was one of ten; she was one of two. He liked action movies; she liked romantic comedies. He liked coffee; she liked tea. The list went on and on.

  But, after getting to know Derrick over the past two weeks, she realized none of that mattered.

  She liked Derrick Baylor.

  She liked the way he looked into her eyes whenever they said hello. She liked the way he kissed, too, and the way she felt when he wrapped her in his arms and held her tight. She liked the way his mouth curved upward and his eyes twinkled when he smiled. He always smelled good, and he looked as good wearing a pair of sweats and a T-shirt as he did in slacks and a button-down shirt. She liked his positive and cheerful disposition. She liked the way he looked at Ryan as if his chest might burst from all the love he was feeling every time he cradled his son in his arms. And now, Jill realized, she liked his family too.