Becoming Mrs. Right

by Sherri L. Lewis

  “When Daphne was born, I was the happiest man on the planet. I couldn’t wait to have another child, but Darla kept putting it off. She said she never imagined how much work a child was and how much it took away from the career she was trying to build. She changed up the plan and said she only wanted to have one child.”

  Gary shook his head slowly. “I waited for her to change her mind, but she kept putting in more hours at the law firm, leaving me and Daphne at home in the evenings. My business grew and it seemed like the more successful I was, the harder she worked. I don’t know how, but somehow between her long work hours and her birth control, she got pregnant with Morgan. I was happy, but she was angry, sad, and out-of-control emotional. She even talked about aborting our child. Can you believe it? She wanted to get rid of our baby so she could stay on course with making partner.” Gary seemed like he was getting mad all over again, just talking about it. Shauntae wondered if that’s why he was so upset when he found out about her abortions.

  “I reminded her that we were Christians and that we couldn’t do that. I don’t really think she would have done it, but the fact that she thought about it was unbelievable to me. Anyway, we had Morgan and I fell in love with my second daughter. I still wanted more children, but Darla wasn’t hearing it. After she gave birth to Morgan, she had her tubes tied without telling me.”

  Gary sat there for a second and then he reached over and rubbed Shauntae’s belly. “For her to do that meant she didn’t care about me and what was important to me. I could understand if she had told me from the beginning that she didn’t want children, but we had agreed that we both wanted four children. For her to tie her tubes without telling me was unforgivable.”

  Unforgivable. Shauntae didn’t think that was a word in Gary’s dictionary. What would he do if he found out about Brianna? Was that unforgivable too?

  “Our marriage went from bad to worse. Me and the nanny basically took care of the girls while Darla worked. She went back to work almost immediately after Morgan was born. Between running my business and then coming home to spend time with the girls, I barely slept. Can you believe that it was me who got up in the middle of the night to feed Morgan? Darla slept through her crying. What kind of mother does that?”

  Shauntae remembered Devon waking her up some nights to feed Brianna and wondered what Gary would think about her if he knew.

  “And so me and the girls got closer and closer and Darla got further and further from all of us. I couldn’t forgive her and I started to hate her.”

  Shauntae wondered if the same thing would happen once Gary found out about her.

  “And then one week, Darla was out of town doing research for a case. The girls were tucked in and the nanny was live-in at the time because my work schedule was hectic and I needed the extra help. One night, I needed to get out of the house and . . . breathe. Even though I loved my girls and my favorite thing was spending time with them, the house was so full of tension and hatred that sometimes I couldn’t stand it here. So I went out for a drink. Not a smart thing to do when you’re angry and tired and your wife hasn’t had sex with you in months.”

  Gary rubbed his hands together. “Next thing I knew, I ended up in the bed of a woman I met that night. This time it was me who did something unforgivable.” Gary looked at her like he was trying to figure out what she was thinking—like he was afraid she thought bad about him.

  He didn’t have to worry about that. That night, Gary had gotten messed up with somebody just like her. Who was she to judge?

  “I couldn’t believe I did something like that. I met with the men’s pastor, Mark, the guy I introduced you to today. We talked a lot and I realized it was my unforgiveness that made me commit adultery. Maybe if I had forgiven Darla, things wouldn’t have been so bad between us. But me not forgiving her caused me to end up committing a sin as bad as hers. My wife lied to me and betrayed me and I cheated on her.

  “I confessed to Darla what had happened and she left me and the girls. She came back a few weeks later, but her heart was stone cold. I persuaded her to go to counseling with me and we both admitted our faults, but she couldn’t forgive me. So for both of us, unforgiveness killed the marriage. That’s why I swore never to let unforgiveness live in my heart again. Never. If Jesus could forgive us for anything and everything we ever did, how can we consider anything someone does to us unforgivable?”

  Gary took Shauntae’s hand and squeezed. “I guess I should have told you that sooner. I cheated on my wife. It’s not something I’m proud of and it’s not anything I ever plan to do again. I hope you understand I’m not that kind of person. It was the state of my heart at the time. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness, which leads to sin. I never want to find myself in that place again.”

  “Thanks for sharing that with me, baby. I do understand.” Shauntae felt like it was time. Maybe God had let Gary tell her all that so she would know that it was okay for her to tell him the truth about everything. She lay back in his arms for a second, wondering where to start. What would he think when he found out that she was ten times worse as a mother than Darla ever was? Would he still say that nothing was unforgivable?

  Shauntae let out a deep breath. All she could do was try.

  She was about to open her mouth when her cell phone vibrated. There was a text from Devon.

  Sorry to take so long to get back to you. Me and Cassandra’s schedules are crazy and we won’t be able to meet for the next couple of weeks. Unless you’re able to meet this evening. We have some time while Brianna is at her grandparents. Let me know as soon as you can.

  Shauntae jumped up off the couch. “Baby, I hate to leave suddenly, but there’s something real important I need to take care of.”

  “Now?” Gary stood up to follow her. “Where are you going? Is something wrong?”

  “No, I’m hoping that something is very right. Please, let me do this. I promise I’ll explain everything when I get back.”

  And Shauntae meant everything.

  Thirty-eight

  Thirty minutes later, Shauntae was sitting in Starbucks, waiting for Devon and Cassandra to show up. She chose a private table near the back so they could have a conversation without people hearing them. She didn’t know whether it was the strong smell of brewing coffee or her nerves that was bothering her stomach.

  After she waited ten minutes, shaking her leg and biting her fingers, she saw them come in the front door. Devon was looking good in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt and Cassandra was looking sharp and sassy in a short, cute pink dress. They looked like the perfect couple. Shauntae knew people thought the same thing when they saw her and Gary together.

  When they saw her, Shauntae stood up. She didn’t know what to do with herself. She made herself smile. When they got to the table, she put out her hand. “Hi, thanks for coming. I appreciate you guys agreeing to meet me.” She shook Devon’s hand and then shook Cassandra’s hand and said, “Nice to see you again, Cassandra.”

  As Shauntae sat down, she noticed a look between them kinda like they thought she was suspect and kinda like they couldn’t wait to hear what she had to say.

  Shauntae had tried to practice her speech for them on her way there, but stuff kept coming out wrong. Finally, she told God He had gotten things this far so He had to help her say the right thing.

  They all sat in a weird, crazy kinda silence for a moment until Devon said, “Wow, you’re really pregnant. When are you due?”

  Shauntae rubbed her belly. “July third but I’m getting so huge and July is so hot, I hope it’s sooner.” That didn’t sound right so she said, “I mean, I don’t want to have the baby premature or nothing and I want him to be healthy and everything, but you know . . .” She gave a little laugh, but noticed that Cassandra was giving her the side eye.

  She decided to go ahead and start talking. “I have a lot to say to you guys, and I hope you’ll listen and give me a chance before you make any decisions.”

  Devon raised an eyebrow and Cas
sandra tightened her lips.

  “I know it sounds crazy, but since the last time you guys saw me, a lot has changed in my life. I got pregnant, I got married, and I’m a different person now. Today at church, I got saved and it was for real. Like me and God are for real.”

  Shauntae tried to see in their faces what they thought but their faces didn’t change. “I know I did some real bad stuff in the past. Devon, I gave you hell from the first time you met me. Cassandra, I treated you rude and evil every time we were in the same room. I was a horrible mother and did stuff to Brianna that was . . . unforgivable.” There was that ugly word. “Completely unforgivable. And yet, here I am, asking both of you to forgive me.

  “That’s what made me finally decide I wanted to get saved. I came to understand that nothing is unforgivable—that no matter what I’ve done, no matter how bad a person I was, God still loves me and forgives me. Isn’t that crazy? That He could love us that much?”

  Shauntae paused until the loud espresso machine got quiet.

  “And so I’ve been really working hard at becoming a better person. I study a lot on how to be a good parent and I’m even taking a parenting class at the church.”

  Shauntae took a deep breath. “I want to be a part of Brianna’s life again.”

  She held up a hand when they both put their lips like they was about to say something. “I’m not talking about custody or about going to court and I’m definitely not talking about a check. I just want to be able to . . . see her. I want to hug her and tell her I’m sorry and that I love her. I want her to know I’m okay.”

  Shauntae was talking faster and faster and she knew she was sounding desperate. “I know you guys think it’s best if she forgets about me, but she hasn’t forgotten about me. She still cares about me.”

  Shauntae turned to Cassandra. “There’s a little girl in your children’s church class, Morgan, Brianna’s best friend?”

  Cassandra frowned and nodded.

  “Morgan is my husband’s daughter. She says Brianna talks about me all the time and prays for me. She prays for me.” A tear slid down Shauntae’s cheek. “She told Morgan that sometimes she worries about whether I’m okay. Can’t I . . . can’t I just see her? Can’t she just see me so she’ll know her mama is okay and is sorry and loves her?”

  Shauntae wiped the tears running down her face. Cassandra dug around in the huge purse she was carrying and handed her a tissue. She and Devon sat there looking at each other and it was like they were talking to each other with their eyes.

  Shauntae made one last plea. “Can’t you guys forgive me and believe that I’ve changed?”

  Cassandra put a hand on Shauntae’s arm. “It’s not that we don’t forgive you or we don’t believe that you’ve changed. It’s just . . .” Cassandra looked at Devon.

  He said, “It’s just that we want what’s best for Brianna. This has only ever been about her. We don’t want her hurt.”

  “I don’t want her hurt, either. All I want is a chance to love her and make things right.”

  Cassandra and Devon looked at each other and talked with their eyes again. Shauntae wished they would say whatever they were thinking out loud.

  Devon shook his head. “I knew this was coming when you texted me about the parenting classes.” He didn’t say anything else and sat there pulling on his goatee and staring at the floor.

  Shauntae asked, “Don’t you think Brianna should get to meet her baby brother? Don’t you think they should know each other? They’re brother and sister.”

  Cassandra and Devon looked at each other again. Devon finally spoke, “What are we talking about here? You said no custody, but what exactly is it that you want?”

  Shauntae shrugged. “I haven’t got that far yet. I was just hoping to see her.” She thought for a second. “I would like to see her on a regular. I don’t want to have to rush out of church anymore. I’d love to be able to say hi to her on Sunday mornings. And maybe sometimes she can come over to the house and spend the night with Morgan.” Shauntae thought a little longer. “And then maybe sometimes me and her can go somewhere and spend some time together. I’m not saying a whole lot. But enough for her to know that I’m her mother and I’m here and I love her.”

  Devon took a deep breath and held it. Cassandra put a hand on his knee and they looked at each other. Then she nodded. He raised an eyebrow and she nodded again.

  Devon finally looked at Shauntae. “Okay.”

  Shauntae’s eyes bugged open. “Okay?”

  He nodded. “Yes, okay. You can see Brianna. But I swear, if—”

  Cassandra squeezed Devon’s knee and he stopped talking. She said, “Give us time to get used to the idea and then we’ll figure out some sort of schedule?”

  “Yes, please, yes, thank you, yes.” Shauntae could hardly talk. She was going to get to see her daughter. God was answering her prayer.

  They sat for a few minutes and came up with a time for Shauntae to see Brianna for the first time and then left. Shauntae practically ran to the car.

  Cassandra and Devon had agreed that she could see Brianna on Saturday. Shauntae couldn’t believe it. She put the minivan in drive and headed home.

  Now all she had to do was tell Gary.

  Thirty-nine

  Shauntae didn’t know what she was expecting when she told Gary the truth about everything. Maybe she was expecting him to say, “I forgive you, honey,” and then take her in his arms and carry her upstairs and make love to her. Or maybe she expected him to get really angry and yell and scream and shout, but then say, “I forgive you, honey,” and then maybe make love to her right there in the living room. Or maybe she had expected him to be so hurt that he started crying and asking her why and how could she do that to him, but then after he thought about it, he would say, “I forgive you, honey,” and then they would make love in the kitchen.

  She wasn’t sure what she thought he would do, but she had expected, “I forgive you, honey,” to be a part of it.

  Instead, when she finished talking, his face got tight, his eyes got angry, he stood up without saying a word, and left. Slammed the garage door and left without saying anything.

  That was two days ago. Shauntae hadn’t heard a word from Gary since. She had called his phone hundreds of times. She had sent more text messages than she could count. She wanted to call Darla to see if she knew where he was, but she didn’t want her to know they were having problems.

  Shauntae paced, prayed, cooked, and still nothing from Gary. The third day, she woke up calling him and went to sleep texting him. The fourth day, she stayed in the bed praying almost all day.

  At first, she got mad at God because she had done the right thing and it had ended up so wrong. But she couldn’t blame Him. This was all her fault. She could only hope God would help Gary forgive her and bring him back to her.

  She kept thinking, would things have been different if she had told him sooner? Should she have told him about Brianna without telling him about her past? Should she have waited longer before she told him, maybe after giving birth to his son? She kept going over it in her mind but no matter what it came down to, she needed to tell him the whole truth.

  And then she thought all kinds of bad thoughts. Where was he staying? Was he so upset that he was in a bar drinking? If he did get drunk in a bar, would he end up in some strange woman’s bed? He had said that he would never let unforgiveness make him end up in another woman’s bed, but what if that was all talk? What if he got some woman pregnant? Would he kick Shauntae out and bring his next baby mama home?

  What if he was over at Darla’s house spending time with her? And since she was back to acting like she did when they first met, what if he was falling in love with her all over again? Was she about to lose her husband to his first wife? Darla wanted him back. What if the only thing blocking them from getting back together was her and the baby, and now that he didn’t want her anymore, he could go back and marry the mother of his daughters? The two of them had enough mo
ney to hire some serious lawyers. What if they decided to sue her for full custody of her child and dragged in her whole history with Brianna and all her lies?

  All day, her mind was full of all the awful things that could happen. She called Candy, but she couldn’t help much. The situation was jacked up, so what advice could she give?

  Shauntae didn’t think about calling Sherice. Sherice blamed Shauntae for her losing her apartment since she never gave her any money. The few times Shauntae had tried to call her, she had cussed and screamed and called her all kinds of names so finally Shauntae stopped calling.

  On Friday afternoon, Shauntae had a doctor’s appointment. She texted Gary to remind him about it. He didn’t answer. The whole time she was in Dr. Murray’s office, she kept waiting for him to walk in the door. Maybe he was mad at her, but at least he would want to check on their child. At the end of the visit, Dr. Murray asked about Gary and Shauntae burst into tears.

  Dr. Murray gave her tissue and told her that she had one more patient waiting before her lunch break but if she would wait for her, she’d be back so they could talk. The two of them had gotten to know each other a little from Shauntae being in the class at the church.

  When Dr. Murray came back about twenty minutes later, Shauntae poured out her heart and told her everything. Dr. Murray sat there for a while not saying anything, which made Shauntae worry.

  She finally said, “You know you did the right thing, albeit a little late. But better late than never, right?”

  Shauntae nodded and wiped her nose. She had cried more in the last four months than she had in her entire life. “What should I do?”

  “There’s nothing you can do, my dear. All you can do is what you have been doing. Wait, hope, and pray. I’m proud of you for all the changes you’ve made and that you decided to tell him the truth. Now you can only wait and see how he decides to respond. And take care of yourself and the baby. And get yourself ready to go see your little girl tomorrow. That’s gonna be a really big day. Can I pray for you?”