What the Heart Wants: A Pride Story

by D. C. Williams

  “Yeah, my sister said that mom pretty much knew, and that’s why she was so obsessed with it.”

  Kev nodded. “Makes sense, but I can see why you’d be sick of it.”

  “Yeah, and now it’s out in the open. I don’t have to pretend.”

  “That’s why people come out, even if it isn’t always the easiest thing.” They got on a downtown train. “You’ll be okay. I’m glad your aunt and uncle were there.”

  “Me too.”

  They rode a couple of stops, got off the train, and walked a few blocks. Will didn’t really know where he was, although it was pretty obviously Manhattan and he knew they hadn’t taken the train all the way to Brooklyn. Older building. There was an elevator, but Kev said, “I’m only one flight up, stairs are faster, unless you mind.”

  Will certainly didn’t, and they jogged up the steps. Kev unlocked a door and ushered him inside. Will was a Jersey boy through and through but he had some idea of how expensive Manhattan real estate was. Kev’s apartment was a surprisingly decent size, but Will figured he’d probably been there a long time.

  “I’ll give you the grand tour, but you’re on the couch tonight, kiddo.” Kev smiled. “Even if I wasn’t old enough to be your grandfather, this wouldn’t be the time.”

  “No,” said Will, knowing he was blushing a little. Kev was right, and it sort of implied that there might be a time. Someday, maybe. When Will wasn’t exhausted and hungry and a little raw inside, and Kev didn’t see him as kid who needed a favor.

  “Are you hungry? Jase sent a bunch of leftovers along.”

  “Oh, crap, were you still at dinner when I texted?”

  “Finishing up. It’s okay. I’m glad you thought of me.”

  “I have other friends, but the only one I’m really out to is Emily, and I just didn’t want to get involved in explaining why I’m not welcome at home.”

  “Preston?” Will had chatted a little about him with Kev.

  “At his parents in New Hampshire. I haven’t talked to him about this. It’s not something I was really planning.”

  “I hear you. Was all the drama before or after dinner and would you like a turkey sandwich?”

  “During. Yeah, I think I would. I didn’t eat much.”

  “I bet.”

  “Yeah, and my uncle kept pouring me wine, I think out of sympathy.”

  “Well, I’m not giving you any of that, but I think we can manage a snack. You’ll have to sneak your own alcohol.”

  “Gave me a little headache, actually. I’m not much of a drinker.”

  “Could be the stress, too.”

  Will felt better after he ate the sandwich and texted his aunt to let her know he had arrived safely. Kev showed him the bathroom and he took a shower and put on a pair of chill pants and an old shirt, which also made him feel better. They sat on the couch and watched TV and chatted. Will kind of wished he could climb into the other man’s arms and stay there, just let Kev hold him and soothe some of the day away, but he knew the time wasn’t right. Kev would probably push him away, and even if he didn’t, there was no way he’d believe he hadn’t taken advantage of Will.

  Around midnight, Kev set up the fold-out for Will and went into his own room. Will drifted off listening to the sounds of the city and waited for the morning to make it better.

  They both slept in a little, and Kev made him breakfast. Then they went for a walk in the brisk air, walking up Fifth while Kev told him about the beautiful holiday windows that many now closed department stores had when he first came to the city. They didn’t walk as far as Saks, but they waited in the line at Lord and Taylor’s, trying to figure out why cardinals, dollhouses, and cakes went together and what they had to do with Christmas.

  Kev shrugged. “I guess it’s pretty, and I think birds are hot this year, but I don’t get it.”

  “Me either. It’s…” Will struggled for words, “commercial design, and it’s different from most of the stuff I do, but there’s no point. The colors are nice, and individually, some of it’s cute. The cakes, and I like the hats on the birds, but isn’t that kind of work supposed to tell a story?”

  “I always thought so, but what do I know? I could ask Jase, because he used to do windows, back when there were dinosaurs roaming here, but he’ll probably just claim it’s all gone to hell in a handbasket. I can tell you none of it’s what it used to be.” He made a face, “And now I sound like a grumpy old man.”

  “Nah,” said Will, “you’re not grumpy.”

  Kev laughed. “You’ve got me on that one, kid.”

  They ordered in Chinese for dinner that night, and on Saturday they went to brunch, meeting Jase and a couple of other guys. Will texted his ride in North Jersey, telling the guy he’d had a fight with his parents and was staying in the city. Not too surprisingly, he didn’t want to drive into Manhattan, but said he’d pick him up in Ridgewood on Sunday if he took a bus there.

  He thought about calling Preston, but thought it better to wait to talk about it until he saw him face to face. He did call Britt, who said things were tense, his mom had called the monsignor down at St M’s, and that she didn’t think they were disowning him, just not sure how to deal. That was kind of what Will had thought, but it didn’t make it easier.

  Kev went up to the bus station with him on Sunday morning. He gave Will a quick hug and said, “Keep in touch, and you know you’re always welcome with me, if you can’t go home, or the conditions for being there are ones you can’t live with.”

  “Thanks,” said Will, “you’ve been amazing.” Will gave him a quick peck on the cheek and headed upstairs to catch the bus to Jersey.

  Chapter Six

  The guy he was riding with took the “fight with my parents” thing at face value and didn’t ask questions. Preston was less amused. He seemed to think it had been such a big hairy deal because Will had “waited so long” to come out. Will was absolutely, 100% sure that it wouldn’t have been better if he’d done it at fourteen, when he’d still been half-hoping he’d stop liking boys and start liking girls and had no options for not listening to his parents if it got really crazy. Preston also seemed to think Kev was a dirty old man and was only half-convinced by Will’s assertion that nothing had happened.

  Will’s mom called him on Friday to tell him that he was welcome to come home for Christmas, and that no-one would try to force him to go, but the monsignor would be happy to schedule a session to talk with him. He told her he wasn’t interested.

  She made a sad little noise, and said, “I’m not surprised, but you know, we want you home. I’m really sorry I had you leave on Thanksgiving, but I just couldn’t deal.”

  “I know Mom, and I was fine, stayed with a friend, walked around the city and looked at Christmas displays.”

  “Good. I was a little worried.” He didn’t say anything, and she continued, “Just,” she hesitated, “you know,” she paused again,” that part of your life, if it doesn’t have to come home with you?”

  He could just imagine trying to introduce Preston to his parents. ”I can’t promise for always, but for now, yeah, I can do that.”

  That would suck hairy donkey balls the minute he had someone he did want to bring home, but for the moment he figured it would let him keep his private life private. He had a very funny feeling that his mother would be less than amused to discover that his mysterious “friend in the city” was a sixty year old gay man. One that Will was increasingly thinking he might want more from. If Kev ever started to see him as an adult who wanted a relationship rather than some kind of honorary nephew or whatever.

  * * * *

  He rode back down to Jersey with the guy from his dorm a couple of days before Christmas. His mom hugged him hard when she came to pick him up at the guy’s house and didn’t complain once about the drive. True to her word, his Thanksgiving revelation wasn’t a topic of conversation, and she had completely stopped asking him about girls. He went to Midnight Mass with Britt and his parents. The monsignor
was overly solicitous as they were leaving, and claimed that his door was open if Will “ever wanted to talk.” He actually found that a little on the creepy side, but he didn’t worry about it because he had no intention whatsoever of going near St. M’s. Possibly ever again.

  Christmas was good, and he hung out with people from high school in the week before New Year’s. Preston had talked about having Will come up to visit him in New Hampshire for a few days in January, but the logistics seemed complicated and Will wasn’t sure he felt like bothering. He didn’t think they were breaking up, but Preston had declared that they weren’t exclusive the morning after he’d gone to a massively huge frat party without Will, who had a final, and Will figured he and Preston probably weren’t going to be happily ever after.

  The day after Christmas Kev sent him an uncharacteristically cautious email asking if he’d like to spend New Year’s in the city. “I can’t promise a lot of excitement, and I’m way too old for Times Square, but Jase is having a few people in, and says you’re more than welcome to show up. He’s claiming I’m less grumpy when you’re around.”

  Will laughed at that, and replied, “Sure, I’d love to. Could use a break from my family by then.”

  He figured Jase’s “few people” would be all at least twenty years older than him, and chose his outfit carefully on Wednesday morning. His mom hadn’t said anything when he told her he was going into the city to spend the holiday, but she pretended to wolf whistle when he walked into the kitchen.

  “Wow, Will, you cleaned up nicely! That’s for Times Square?”

  “No, I’d be an icicle. I’m going to someone’s apartment with a few people.”

  “A party?”

  “Small one.”

  She looked wistful, and he knew she had almost asked him about cute girls. “Have fun. Don’t drink a lot.”

  He smiled at her. “Probably not at all. It’s going to be pretty quiet.” And he didn’t think either Jase or Kev were likely to serve him alcohol anyway.

  “You’ll be home tomorrow?”

  “Yeah, probably late afternoon, and I’ll have my phone with me if you need me.”

  * * * *

  Kev grinned when he opened the apartment door for Will when he got there around six. “Don’t you look sharp! Pity it’s wasted on us old farts.”

  “Gotta give you some competition.”

  “Flatterer. Jase is expecting us around eight. I made some sandwiches to tide us over. I’d say to soak up the alcohol, but I’m not planning to overindulge and you’re not getting more than a glass of champagne at midnight.”

  “Yes, Mother,” Will quipped, but that was pretty much what he’d figured.

  A couple of the other guests probably weren’t old enough to be Will’s dad, but he was the youngest person present by at least ten or fifteen years, if not fully twenty. He and Kev didn’t plan to go anywhere else, but a bunch of people flitted in and out, mostly men. Will was a little self-conscious at first and then relaxed once he realized no-one was staring at him, or paying attention to his drinking soda instead of beer or wine or any of the pitcher full of lurid green cocktails that was going around.

  He stuck by Kev for a while, chatted with a few people, declined an invitation to leave with a couple of guys, one of who was getting a little handsy. Kev cruised by a few minutes later and whispered, “Okay? I wasn’t sure if you could use rescuing or you were having fun.”

  “Not sure I’d call having a stranger groping my ass fun, but I managed okay.”

  “Good.”

  They left around one, walking back to Kev’s apartment through the frozen streets. It was thirteen or fourteen blocks but Kev hadn’t thought it was worth trying to get a cab, and the walk wasn’t too bad. Still, they were both a little out of breath as Kev opened his door, between the cold and the stairs.

  “You’re supposed to be young,” joked Kev.

  “You’re supposed to be out of shape.” He was anything but. He’d never seen Kev without a shirt, but Will bet his abs were killer. Will’s biceps were never going to look like that.

  “Funny. Did you have fun?”

  “Yeah.” He had. “Just one thing missing.”

  “Yeah?”

  “No midnight kiss.” Will couldn’t believe he had said that.

  “That so?” Suddenly Kev’s voice was husky.

  “Yeah.” Will’s chest was suddenly tight as Kev leaned in and pressed his lips to Will’s. It was more than a peck, but not by much. He pulled back and sighed a little. “Oh, kid, you could tempt me.” He leaned in again and this time he kissed Will’s forehead. “Don’t think it’s because I wouldn’t want you, but you are sleeping on the couch.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, but if you keep looking at me that way I won’t be.” Until the morning, when Will knew he’d regret it. Will might want Kev badly, but not under circumstances that made the older man feel guilty.

  They had a long, lazy breakfast on New Year’s Day and when Will left to go back to Jersey he kissed Kev on the cheek.

  Chapter Seven

  The week after he returned to school Will turned nineteen and Preston broke up with him. Will felt a little dumped, but he knew it wasn’t really working out.

  On a particularly frigid Wednesday in February Will returned to the dorm after his last class, flopped into a chair in the commons area downstairs, and turned on his tablet to cruise Facebook. Kev had posted, “At Mount Sinai, will post when I know more.”

  Frantically Will pulled out his phone and texted Kev. “Saw FB post. R U ok?”

  “I am. They admitted Jase. Chest pains at work.”

  “Fuck.”

  “Yeah. I’m listed as his next of kin, so I got called. Docs think he had a heart attack.”

  “Double fuck” Jase was a nice guy. He teased Kev about adopting Will, but he was kind and funny and he and Kev had been each other’s family for a long, long time.

  “They’re coming to talk to me. I’ll FB you in a little.”

  Will checked FB every ten minutes until the little message icon popped up. He was in the cafeteria, trying to eat dinner alone at the end of a long table, and he dropped his sandwich hastily.

  “Hey, kid.”

  “Hey yourself. Are you alright? How’s Jase?”

  “Holding his own. Was definitely a heart attack. Probably surgery in the morning. I’m staying here tonight. I think the doctor assumed I was his husband and neither of us said anything.”

  “Don’t go, if they’ll let you stay.” Will felt a tiny pang of jealousy and dismissed it.

  “Easier. This sucks. We’re not spring chickens, but I wasn’t expecting this.”

  “Nobody does, and you’re not that old.”

  “Thanks. Of course Jase is a couple years younger than I am.”

  “Does he have other family?”

  “No, just a couple of cousins. That’s why he listed me, although I have him on a couple of things too.”

  Will sighed. There was no way Kev and Jase actually needed him under foot right this minute, and he couldn’t easily miss two days of class, but he really wished he could be there. “Keep me posted. I’ll come visit on the weekend if he’s up to it.”

  “We’ll see. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind a cute young thing cheering up the place. Bring a couple of buddies wearing go-go shorts.”

  “Hey, we’re not supposed to give him another heart attack!”

  “No. I’m posting regularly on both our FB’s, and I’ll message you as I can. Thanks for getting in touch. It’s been a little grim.”

  “I bet. Take care of yourself and I’ll check your updates regularly.”

  “Thanks.”

  Toby, Will’s Mahwah buddy, didn’t go home every weekend, but he was planning to this week, and he was always happy to give Will a ride in exchange for a gas money donation. He even said he’d take Will to the Jersey side of the George Washington Bridge.

  Kev messaged him a couple more times on Thursday, when J
ase went into surgery, and when he came out of it that afternoon. He was in the ICU, and Kev went home to shower and change clothes, returning to the hospital to spend the night waiting.

  Will skipped his last class on Friday. His buddy would have waited for him, but kind of reluctantly, and Will wanted to get on the road.

  “Hot date?” Toby joked as Will slid into the seat.

  “No, friend had a heart attack.”

  “Heart attack! Like from a heart defect or something?”

  “No, he’s older. I wanted to visit, and his best friend, who’s my good friend, has been in the hospital with him. Not fun.”

  “She hot?”

  “No, he. And kind of.”

  The guy looked at him a little funny for a minute and said, “Oh, you’re bi or something.”

  “Gay.”

  He shrugged. “Bi’s more fun. My high school girlfriend was. Kept saying I should try it.”

  Will snorted with laughter. “That’s up to you.”

  “I think about it sometimes, but you know the actual down and dirty? Sounds weird.”

  “Not for me.”

  “I guess not.”

  * * * *

  Will still wasn’t that comfortable with the subway, but he took the train downtown and navigated the labyrinth of hospital by a little past six. He’d told Kev he was coming, but he was half prepared for the hospital to give him a hard time. They did tell him to keep it to ten minutes.

  Jase was awake, but he looked terrible. Small and gray and very still. There were a lot of machines. He managed to crack a smile. Kev looked almost as bad, diminished in the ugly chair next to the bed. Will thought he’d been dozing, because he stirred as Will walked in.

  He smiled at Will and said to Jase, “Look who came to visit.”

  “See what you have to do get me to leave school?” Will said. “The go-go boys were busy, sorry.”

  “Next time,” croaked Jase in a hoarse whisper.