Screaming in the Silence

by Lydia Kelly

  Kaden took my plate and his own, rinsed them off and set them in the sink. He turned slowly and looked at Marshal.

  “Are you going to be all right?”

  I could see Marshal nodding in my periphery.

  “Don’t do anything. She’ll be fine.” But he didn’t look as if he believed himself. “It will be better if we stay out of it.” Was he talking about me? Or was he talking about Carla? Suddenly it made sense and I looked up at the ceiling where Ray’s room must be. What was he doing to her up there? I cringed at the thought of him having sex with her, knowing how foul and disgusting he had been that night in the basement.

  Marshal pushed himself away from the table, his chair falling over as he stood up and stormed out of the room.

  I stood up as well. “Kaden, what is going on?”

  “Nothing,” he sighed. “You don’t need to be afraid of it.”

  I blinked my eyes, frustrated at his perception. I had wanted to appear curious, not afraid. But afraid is exactly what I was. I could see the reactions of the two men who were in the room with me, but not knowing what was causing them to jump and wince was scaring me more than anything. Confusion and fear surrounded me like a snake, coiling its way up my body and slowly squeezing me to death.

  Kaden held out his hand. “Come upstairs. We’ll talk.”

  Talk? Since when had Kaden wanted to talk? It was like pulling teeth the other day trying to convince him to answer seven simple questions. But if he wanted to talk, I was all for it. I smiled and walked around the table, took his hand and followed him eagerly out of the kitchen and through the living room. Marshal was nowhere to be seen and I assumed he had gone to his room. Kaden turned the corner to his bedroom but I stopped once we reached the top of the stairs.

  “Can I shower?” I asked, pulling against his hand as he tried to walk away from me.

  He turned slowly, a worried look in his eyes. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “I really don’t think you should���”

  “Can I brush my teeth, at least?”

  Kaden glanced down the hallway. Slowly he nodded his head and walked me to the bathroom. I shut the door behind me and took a deep breath. I knew he was right outside and waiting impatiently so I grabbed my toothbrush from the counter and squeezed out the last bit of the minty paste onto the bristles. I washed my face and gasped in shock when I first looked at myself in the mirror. I finally understood what everyone had been looking at, what Ray had been referring to. On my left eye, right next to the grey center, was a red blemish about the size of a pencil eraser. I knew what it was the instant I saw it. I had cried so hard a blood vessel had burst. It looked horrible and I had to move away from the mirror to keep from staring at it.

  I opened the door and took Kaden’s hand, keeping my eyes on the ground and walking behind him. We reached his room and walked inside. I went straight to the bed, curled up with my back to him and closed my eyes. It had been hard to forgive Kaden earlier that day and I knew I shouldn’t have done it. But now there was proof that he had hurt me, not physically but emotionally. He had lost my trust, what little he had, and the red stain on my eye was tangible evidence that I was crazy to be in love with him.

  Is it true that you can’t help who you love? I always assumed that I would have some control over it, have some say about who I gave my heart to, but clearly I didn’t. At least I knew that love was never enough. You could love someone with all your heart and still know that it would never work. It shouldn’t work with me and Kaden. Everything, all the circumstances were working against us. But I knew I wasn’t strong enough to let him go. I was helpless. Helplessly in love with him, in love with someone who had hurt me, in love with someone who would most likely hurt me again. I needed help, but I didn’t want it. All I wanted was Kaden.

  I felt him turning me onto my back, his fingers lightly gliding over my eyelids as they always did when he wanted me to look at him. But I held them closed, knowing my eye would be a reminder to him of the pain he had inflicted on me. I don’t know why I was protecting him from his own guilt, probably because I didn’t want to go through the emotions of forgiving him again.

  He waited a minute, stroking my temple and eventually kissing my lids. I could feel that he was saying something to me. His lips were moving and his breath was warm on my brow. His lips trailed down my face and found my lips, kissing them gently. He wrapped me tightly in his arms - protective yet gentle, just how I wanted him.

  I opened my eyes and tried to smile.

  “I am so sorry, Raleigh. You don’t know how sorry I am.”

  I nodded. “Kaden���” I started to speak but stopped myself. He didn’t need me to say how I was feeling. He already knew.

  “What did you say to Ray earlier today? The thing you didn’t want me to see?”

  Kaden stared at me and smiled eventually. “If I had wanted you to know, I would have let you see it.”

  I smiled back. “I know that. But I’m asking now.”

  “I told him something that I knew would upset him. I told him something that I knew would make him hate me and want to leave.”

  “But what was it?”

  Kaden stared at me. He didn’t want to tell me but wanted me to trust him. “I told him that if he took you from me, he would be just like his father when he killed his mother.”

  “But his father didn’t kill���”

  “I know that. Marshal knows that. But the way Ray sees it, he killed her. We have gone years without mentioning her because it’s easier for Ray not to think about it. The fact that I brought it up at all still shocks me.”

  I was silent. I didn’t know what to say and looked deep into Kaden’s eyes. We were still staring at each other when he winced and glanced at the door. I knew it had to be Ray and Carla.

  “What is it?”

  Kaden shook his head and smiled at me. “From now on, I’m only going to make love to you. Nothing violent, nothing forced.”

  I smiled, wishing it had always been like that, hating myself for believing it always would be.

  “It’s true,” Kaden assured me. “I want you to know that if you ever want to be with me that way again, I will be making love to you. Every touch should be gentle, every scream should be one of pleasure, every kiss should mean forever.”

  Did he really just say forever? That seemed like such a long time but an eternity with Kaden would never be enough.

  “You need to understand that I am sorry,” he continued. “I know I’ve told you that already, but it doesn’t look like you believe me. So, here it is again: I’m so incredibly sorry. About everything. I should have listened to my head instead of being selfish. I should have taken you straight to a hospital, turned myself in and prayed that you would forgive me. But the second I saw you, I didn’t see how scared you were, I didn’t see how much pain you were in, I just saw something I needed. The life in your eyes was what had me. I made up everything else on a whim, convincing Ray and Marshal we could ransom you, convincing myself you meant nothing to me. You have no idea how scared I was when I found out who your father was. But I just needed more time to see if what I felt was real. I’m crazy, I know that. I’m suicidal for thinking I could ever get away with this. But I’d never fallen for anyone or anything so instantaneously.”

  I stared up at him, shocked at his confession. He had known from the beginning.

  “I’ve hurt you so badly, Raleigh. I’ve hurt you because I was afraid you would hurt me in return. Not giving you an option to reject me was the easiest way for me to cope. You were so fragile, so scared. I knew that I could keep you forever if I wanted. Keep you frightened and needing something to hold on to. But I don’t want that anymore. I want you to love me for who I am, not for who you’ve wanted or needed me to be these past weeks.”

  Love? He’d said the word, not me. “But you don’t know me, Kaden. You see me as this scared girl who gives in too easily. You see me as a stuck-up senator’s daughter who ran away from the luxuries of
home because she was bored. But that’s not me. How do you know you’ll want the real me? All of me?”

  Kaden smiled. “Believe me, Blondie, I see so much more of you than that. I know you better than you realize and I know with absolute certainty that I want you, the real you, any and all parts of you. Sometimes you just know these things.”

  “Or you just want them badly enough to make it work,” I suggested.

  “Raleigh���” Kaden took my face in his hands and looked as if he were going to say something. I could see it in his eyes, he knew that I loved him in my own desperate and twisted way, he knew that I wanted to be with him and attempt to create an honest relationship out of whatever it was we had started. My eyes closed as he kissed me. He kissed me again and again, the familiar heat rising in our bodies as our clothes fell to the floor and our senses heightened.

  We made love for what seemed like hours that night, neither of us wanting to stop. It wasn’t exhausting, it certainly wasn’t rushed, we were thrown into the arms of passion and there is where we wanted to stay. I was drowning in him but I wasn’t scared and when I closed my eyes that night, his arm wrapped around my shoulder as my head rested on his chest, I knew that he would never leave me.

  Chapter 19

  Kaden’s fingers on my face were the first thing I felt the next morning. I blinked my eyes open and saw him beside me looking incredibly tired and worried. Had something happened last night?

  I gave him a sleepy smile and moved closer to him, burying my face in his chest. His arm wrapped around my shoulder. I had very nearly fallen asleep again when I felt him climbing out of bed.

  I sat up and rubbed my face to keep awake. That’s when I noticed my backpack on the floor of his room and one of my tshirts at the foot of the bed.

  “What’s going on?” I asked hesitantly, scared of the answer I might receive.

  Kaden stood by his closet looking sad. “We’re leaving today.”

  My eyebrows rose as I considered his answer. “Where are we going?”

  “The bank.” His lips moved quickly.

  “All of us?”

  “Yes,” Kaden answered tersely. His demeanor had suddenly changed. “Please get dressed. It’s a long drive and I want to be there when it opens.”

  I blinked, unsure of what to make of his actions and words but knowing it would be pointless to ask for clarification. I quickly pulled on my jeans and reached for my shirt on the bed. My shirt, one of the dozens I hadn’t seen in weeks. I lifted the material to my face and inhaled deeply. It was clean and the fabric felt soft against my skin.

  As soon as I was ready, Kaden picked up my giant backpack and slung it over his shoulder, opening the door and not waiting for me as he walked down the stairs. Marshal and Ray were at the bottom and I couldn’t help but notice the incredibly hostile glance that passed between the eldest brother and Kaden. But Marshal was smiling, a small knapsack in one hand, a bottle of water in the other. He winked at me as I came down the stairs and stood next to him.

  No one said a word as the four of us made our way to the car. Kaden carried my bag. Ray and Marshal climbed into the front of the car. I took one last look at the house. The trees waved a final goodbye in the morning breeze, the sun just barely high enough to cast a shadow. Is it strange that the house now appeared different to me? The first time I had seen it, it had appeared quaint - a perfect cabin getaway. Now it looked like a home. Yet walking out the front door for the last time felt like being released from prison. I wouldn’t shed any tears upon leaving this place. I wouldn’t shed any tears for the days spent in the basement, the days spent in Kaden’s bed, the days spent at the lake. I stared at the yellow trim and brick fa��ade as we drove away.

  After only a few minutes of driving, the coast appeared. Rain fell from dark clouds offshore but directly above us there was sunlight. Kaden was to my left, his face turned away from me, watching the trees whiz by. His hand rested casually on the seat between us and I glanced at the two men in the front before carefully reaching for him. My fingers wrapped around his and I gave him a quick squeeze before releasing his hand and smiling.

  But Kaden barely reacted. He glanced down for only a second while our fingers still touched, his jaw tight. He quickly turned his attention away. I held my breath, waiting to see if he would do anything else. But he didn’t. He sat there, still as a stone. Shaking my head, I turned away from him and watched the storm approach the shore.

  We eventually came to a small town. We drove down the main street, the buildings on either side worn from the constant lashings of the seaside weather. But as we ventured further into town, the streets seemed to liven up a little. Brightly colored awnings, colorful flower boxes and charming antique street lights brightened the scenery. A branch of a major bank was comfortably nestled at one corner of the town’s square.

  Ray pulled the car to a stop just outside the bank and I stared at the posters and advertisements in the windows. Not much had changed. I suppose I had expected the world to be a dramatically different place since I last saw it. But the security guard was still carrying his nightstick in his back belt loop, the slogans were still promising the same customer service, and the advertised rates hadn’t changed much at all.

  I felt the car shake. Kaden closed the door and walked around to open mine. I glanced at Marshal in the front seat. His face craned around his headrest so that he could look at me. “Goodbye,” I saw him say, unsure if he made a sound or not.

  Goodbye, I signed and was rewarded with a small smile. Thank you.

  I climbed out of the car after Kaden opened my door, and Marshall followed me out. He was trying to hold back tears. Kaden waited for me a few feet away. He didn’t reach for me or motion for me to follow him so I turned toward Marshal and smiled.

  “Are you going to be okay?” he asked, a few tears rolling down his cheeks.

  I shrugged my shoulders but nodded at the same time. “I’ll be fine.”

  “I’m sorry that this didn’t happen sooner. I should have…”

  But I shook my head. What Marshal had done had been heroic. Standing up to Ray had been the bravest thing I had ever witnessed. But how could I tell him that? How could I tell this boy who had helped kill my friend, who had helped keep me imprisoned in his basement for weeks, that I was grateful for his actions?

  Marshal closed his eyes, clearly accepting that he had lost the battle and broke into sobs. It was more than I could stand and I reached forward and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. The boy shook in my arms before he eventually embraced me, holding me tight and crying into my neck. It was the closest physical contact we had ever shared. Probably the only physical contact Marshal had experienced with another person for quite some time.

  Standing there, just outside the bank, the wind already whipping my hair, I realized Marshal was the one certainty I had. I knew my feelings for Kaden were wrong but I couldn’t deny them. They just swam circles around my head and made me dizzy. But I knew Marshal. I knew his character, I knew his struggles. I knew he only wanted the best for me and as I held him close I felt myself start to cry, not from relief but because I knew I would miss him. He had been my hero, my unconditional friend.

  “If there was any good in this entire mess, it would be you,” I whispered to him. I felt his chest sob against mine and his arms tightened around my waist. But soon he reached for my face and kissed my forehead, never looking me in the eye as he turned away and climbed back into the car. I looked around, blinking back my tears before walking towards the bank, Kaden close by my side.

  Already, at this early hour of the morning, people were waiting in line for the teller. I took my place at the end and watched Kaden reach for something in his pocket. He took out my passport and handed it to me, my identification returned without a word being spoken. I looked at the dark blue cover, the gold seal starting to fade. Surreal didn’t even begin to describe how I was feeling. I was giddy with excitement, wanting to scream my new found freedom to the world.
Yet I was terrified as well, not knowing how Kaden and I would get along in this new world.

  We watched Ray’s car pull out of sight.

  “Where are we going after this?” His green eyes sparkled in a way I had never seen before.

  He glanced around nervously. Finally he shook his head. “Anywhere you want,” he said with a forced smile.

  “I thought you would have had this figured out.”

  “I do. I mean, I will. We’ll figure it out.” He glanced outside and then at the clock on the wall.

  “Kaden?” His ever confident demeanor had been replaced with a worried and tense one, something I wasn’t accustomed to. Was he second guessing his decision? Was he not ready to be with me like he had promised? Had something happened while I was sleeping that made him change his mind?

  He answered me with a nod of his head and gestured for me to turn around. The teller was waiting and I walked slowly toward the booth.

  “What can I do for you today?” she asked. She wasn’t smiling, she wasn’t frowning. She looked like a robot, all of her movements and words probably too repetitive for her liking.

  “I’d like to close my account,” I answered, passing her my identification. “Unfortunately, I’ve lost my check card.”

  She sighed but took the document and turned to her computer. I watched her tap away at the keys, not even blinking as she flipped through screen after screen. Her eyebrows rose once, I can only assume in shock at the balance of my account, but her fingers kept moving rapidly above the keyboard. I felt Kaden move behind me, his chest pressing into my back as his hands held me by the hips, pulling me closer to him. I felt his lips on my neck, his tongue lightly tasting my skin.

  “Stop,” I whispered, smiling and blushing at the gesture. This was more like him. I shrugged him off when he didn’t stop and turned to face him. His eyes looked incredibly sad, almost desperate.