Accidentally on Purpose

by L. D. Davis

  "I don't drink like that anymore. In fact Friday was the first time that I was drunk since before I knew I was preggers with Lucas."

  "Slacker."

  I shrugged. "Motherhood. Who woulda thought it would make me a responsible person?"

  "Having a drink won't make you irresponsible. Driving drunk would make you irresponsible, but since you're in for the night..." He again offered me the bottle.

  "No," I said firmly.

  "Your loss." He put the bottle down. "So can I see pictures of your little boy or what?" He was asking to be polite, probably a little curiosity, but I knew it might hurt him. He had wanted to be a dad to Lucas, even if he wasn't the father.

  I hesitated, chewing on my cheek for a moment before I pulled out my phone and tapped the icon for pictures. I handed him the phone. His expression was hard to read from where I was sitting, but when he glanced up with a big smile, I could see some pain behind it.

  "He's a cute kid. You look really happy in these pictures," he said softly. "You look like a really loving mother."

  "I am a really loving mother. Lucas makes me feel...worth something."

  He looked at me with a seriously sad expression. "I always thought you were worth something."

  I looked away, afraid of being completely taken in by his imploring eyes.

  "Who are these people? Luke's family?" He asked, flashing me the phone.

  I moved over to the couch so I could point out who was who in many of the pictures, or give him a story about some of the pictures, like the one of Tabitha and Leo at Lucas's party. When we reached the end of the pictures, he handed me my phone, but I didn't immediately get up. He smelled so good, I wanted to inhale him completely.

  "How's work?" I asked, trying to appear relaxed by sitting back and crossing one leg over another.

  "Busy. My department has grown. The office is ridiculously crowded now, but you taught Eliza well. She's almost as good at office management as you are."

  "Give her some credit. She learned some basic stuff from me, but she probably really does just know what she's doing. Are you any nicer to your employees?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

  "Yes, I am. Probably too nice sometimes."

  "I'm impressed."

  We sat staring at each other for half a minute. I knew him well enough to know that he was about to do something he shouldn't. My hand caught him, just as he was moving forward.

  "Don't kiss me," I whispered.

  "I really want to," he whispered back. "We're both single, right? So who could we hurt?"

  "Each other."

  The answer caught him off guard. He looked like I had just slapped him. He backed off, moved over a foot, and looked down at the floor.

  "I guess I should go," he said and then stood up.

  I didn't make any move to stop him, even though I really wanted to not only stop him, but let him kiss me. I walked him to the door, and allowed a brief embrace before the door closed after him. I stood there a minute, looking at the door. If I were going to stop him, I only had about a half of a minute to do it, but then a question pressed into my brain. Why would I want to stop him? What would I accomplish by doing that, and would the end result really be one that I wanted?

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Lucas was up at the crack of dawn. I didn't know what to do with him, or my time in Jersey. After chasing him through the suite for an hour, I made a decision. A half hour later, Lucas and I were checking out of the hotel. I made another stop at my personal disaster area.

  I had hoped that if I looked at it hard and long enough, an idea would form in my head, but I had no such luck. Before I could leave the lot, my phone rang.

  "Hey," Luke said. He sounded like he was walking and I could hear morning Chicago traffic in the background.

  "Hi," I said and smiled.

  "How are you guys?"

  "We're great. We're getting ready to go to the shore for a few days."

  "Oh, Lucas's first beach trip. I'm jealous I'm not there."

  "Sorry. Are you still going to come out here?"

  "I don't know. Depends on your plans. You got there a week earlier than expected because of the bar, but are you still staying until after Labor Day?"

  I sighed. "I don't know. Depends on what I'm going to do with the rubble that used to be my bar."

  "Well, things are pretty busy here. I'm in court all week this week. You let me know what your plans are and I will let you know if I can come."

  "Okay. You want to talk to Lucas?"

  "Of course."

  I put the phone on speaker and supervised the cute father and son conversation, sometimes translating what Lucas said. When Lucas lost interest in the conversation, I put the phone back to my ear.

  "So, what else is up?" Luke asked. It was a general question, not directed at anything in particular, but I instantly felt guilty.

  I hesitated, and stumbled over my words until I got my words straight. I told him about running into Kyle at the bar, a little about my initial phone call and my time with Tabitha, and then I told him about Kyle's visit. I didn't leave anything out, including the attempted kiss.

  There was a stretch of silence from the other line, and I would have believed the call had disconnected if not for the traffic noises.

  "Hello?" I said.

  "I'm here. I don't know what to say. I guess I'm fucking blown away."

  "Nothing happened. I told you every detail."

  "I don't doubt your honesty, Emmy. I doubt your decision making."

  What could I say to that? So did I.

  "Look," he said after another stretch of silence. "You made it pretty clear where we stand, so you do whatever you want, but you keep that asshole away from my son."

  The line went dead, and I think part of me did, too.

  I bit my lip to keep from crying, but the tears came anyway. Up until last week, I hadn't cried in forever, and now I was crying again.

  "Go, mommy! Go, mommy!" Lucas was impatient now, tired of looking at my trashed bar.

  "Okay, baby. We're going."

  I drove away, trying to dry my eyes, with the awful feeling that I had ruined everything once again.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  I rented a small room a block from the beach. Lucas was instantly in love with the sand and water. Watching him laugh and splash in the shallow water made me temporarily forget that I pissed off his dad.

  We played in the sand, built lopsided castles, collected sea shells and chased seagulls. We stuffed ourselves on boardwalk fries and pizza, cotton candy, funnel cake, and salt water taffy. We shopped in the little shops, buying crap we didn't need, like a couple of hermit crabs.

  At night, I watched bad cable television, ate junk food, drank the vodka Kyle bought me, and ignored his phone calls and texts. I texted Luke and even tried calling him, but he would only say he was busy and only accepted a phone call if he knew he was only going to speak to Lucas.

  After two nights in Ocean City, Lucas and I headed up the coast to Belmar. Leo had a house there, and he and Tabitha invited us to stay with them for a while. Donya and Jerry and Mayson and her boyfriend Fred were also invited, but Jerry was still in the regular baseball season and would only be able to pop in here and there.

  "So, are you guys like...together?" I asked Leo later that morning. We were making lunch. Tabitha was at a nearby playground with Lucas and the others were expected to arrive shortly.

  "I guess," he shrugged. "I know she loves me and that she wants to be with me, but..." He sighed. "It's complicated."

  "I hope it works out. I think you make a nice couple."

  "Thanks. So, what's up with you and Luke?"

  I made an exasperated sound.

  "That good?"

  "It could be better," I admitted.

  When I didn't elaborate, he changed the topic, although it was parallel.

  "What happened when you left my house that night?"

  He was referring to the night I tried to ride him like
a stallion, while drunk, and while Kyle waited for me back in our hotel room.

  "What have you heard?" I asked carefully.

  "I heard that you had an accident," he said, but I could hear in his tone that he didn't believe it. "But I couldn't comment on it either way. No one knows that I saw you again after dinner that night, for obvious reasons."

  Obvious reasons being my cousin Tabitha who I just made up with.

  "So what really happened?"

  I bit my lip, contemplating whether or not that was information he needed to know. I trusted Leo, though. He's kept more than a few of my secrets in the past.

  "Long story short," I started. "We argued and things got a little physical. He accidentally broke my wrist."

  "Accidentally."

  "Yes, it was an accident."

  "Why didn't you come back? I woulda accidentally broke his face." He was holding a knife, and he looked pissed. I believe he really would have broken Kyle's face.

  "Don't tell anyone, Leo. Mayson is suspicious, but she doesn't know for sure."

  "My lips are sealed, but if I see that guy on the street..."

  The front door opened and I heard a baby screaming and knew Donya had arrived. We dropped the subject and went to greet the others.

  I thought sharing a few days with my closest friends would be a distraction from my own head, and I thought I would have a great time, but after one day, I realized I was the odd man out. Donya had Jerry when he wasn't in a gamepr, Mayson had Fred, and Tabitha had Leo. I had Lucas, but that wasn't quite the same.

  In addition, since my exit from the state nearly two years before, Donya and Mayson had grown close, and it seemed that more recently, Tabitha made the duo into a trio. They talked about things I didn't know about and had inside jokes. I felt so left out.

  I called Luke five days before Labor Day to ask him if he was coming. Without an explanation, he simply said no. When there was only the sound of his fingers clicking on his keyboard, I lost my head for a moment.

  "If you're going to be like this again, I may as well not come back. Lucas and I can settle down somewhere else."

  "I can't come out there, Emmy! I'm busy! Don't you understand that?"

  "The only thing I am understanding is your bad attitude."

  I ended the call, shut my phone off and left it on my bed. The other girls were waiting for me on the deck for a girls-only dinner. The kids were in bed and the guys went out to do whatever it is guys do when they get out away from their women for a night.

  For the first part of dinner, I didn't say much. I listened to everyone else talk about their sex life and their men. I just kept pouring myself wine until I got bored with that and started making drinks out of liquor I found at the bar inside. I didn't have much to contribute to the conversation since my sex life only picked up recently, and I didn't really have a man, per se. By the time conversation got over to me, I was pretty well lit.

  "So," Donya said, looking at me over a fork full of chocolate cake. "I was looking in your purse for some gum today and I found that gorgeous bracelet Kyle gave you."

  I couldn't even be mad at her. I go through D's personal things like they're my own, especially her closet.

  "Who gave you a bracelet?" Tabitha asked, knowing the least about my life before Lucas.

  "Kyle Sterling gave her a bracelet, about two years ago. Em said it was for her job performance."

  Tabitha shrugged. "So? Lots of employers give their employees gifts. I knew a guy who even got a new car as a bonus."

  "Emmy is middle management, Tabitha," Donya pointed out. "If the bracelet was worth a few hundred bucks - hell, even a couple grand, that would be one thing. That would be believable. Emmy, tell your cousin how much your bracelet is worth."

  "At the time it was bought or its current value?" I asked before taking another long sip of one of my concoctions.

  "If I bought that bracelet from Tiffany's two years ago, how much would I have paid for it?"

  "About seventy grand."

  Tabitha's jaw dropped. "Shut up!"

  "Exactly," Donya said to her.

  "So what's your point?" I asked, feeling a little annoyed.

  "What is the real reason the bracelet was bestowed upon you? May and I have some theories, but only you can tell us for sure."

  "Why are you asking me now?" I asked. "Why didn't you ask me before?"

  "You seemed a little...unstable," Mayson said. "Now you seem to be more like yourself…which is still…rather unstable."

  "Just answer the question," Donya said. "It's us, not your wacky mother or your stuck up sisters."

  "I'm so lost," Tabitha said, looking at me with big eyes. All three of them were looking at me with big eyes.

  I guzzled the rest of my drink and with a drunken smile said "Kyle bought me the bracelet as an apology for breaking my wrist."

  "I knew it!" Mayson slammed a hand against the table, making dishes and glasses rattle.

  "That mother fucker broke your wrist?" Donya asked, incredulously.

  "Yessss," I rolled my eyes. "That's what I said."

  "On purpose?" Tabitha asked and before I could answer, shook her head and waved her arms. "Wait! You were screwing Kyle Sterling? The dick?"

  "Yes, I was, Tabs and no he didn't do it on purpose."

  "Were you screwing him while you were with Luke?"

  "Yes, Tabitha!" Donya said, irritated that my poor cousin wasn't catching on fast enough. "How did it happen, Emmy? I can't see you taking that shit."

  "We had dinner with Leo while we were in Miami, and during dinner Leo and I eluded to the fact that we fucked around when we were kids and -"

  "Whoa!" Tabitha slapped the table now. "You had sex with Leo? When?"

  I waved a hand. "A long time ago, when he and Leslie were broken up."

  "Which time?" Tabitha spat out, sarcastically. She didn't really expect an answer, but I was drunk.

  "I don't know." I shrugged. "Two, maybe three times. Maybe four. I don't remember…"

  Her jaw again hung open, but now she looked pissed off instead of surprised and quizzical.

  "Interesting how he's never mentioned that to me."

  "It was a long time ago, Tabitha! Damn." Donya snapped before turning back to me. "So, Kyle got pissed off and broke your damn arm?"

  "No. Back at the hotel, we started arguing about it and I got pissed off and left. I went back to Leo's, drank a lot of alcohol, and things got a little heavy."

  "You fucked him again?" Tabitha yelled.

  "No," I said bitterly. "He didn't want to take advantage of me apparently, because I was drunk."

  "What the fuck," Tabitha grumbled.

  "Then what happened?" Mayson pressed, and then "Wait! Did you sleep with any of my boyfriends?"

  "No, I promise."

  "Okay, good," she said, relieved.

  "I just made out with one."

  "You see?" Tabitha said. "She's a whorebag."

  "Cum bucket," Mayson nodded in agreement.

  "You guys," Donya made a disgusted sound. "Can we save the name calling for later? I want to hear the hoe's story."

  I told them the rest of the story, all the way up to the night the bracelet was presented to me.

  "Okay, Mayson wins that bet," Donya said, digging into her purse. She handed Mayson a few bills. "I thought it was like a promise gift, you know?"

  "Now you have to spill the beans about New Years, Emmy," Mayson said seriously.

  "What happened on New Year's?" Tabitha asked. "Did you try to hump Leo again?"

  "Okay, you need to deal with that another time," Donya said. "Leo didn't do anything to you. Nobody knew you would end up with him."

  Tabitha slumped in her chair and mumbled "He knew."

  "New Years," Mayson pressed.

  "I've never spoken about the New Year's incident," I said quietly.

  "Speak about it now," Donya insisted. Even Tabitha looked interested underneath her anger.

  I had to pour myself anot
her drink before I started.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  It's funny how I can omit certain, crucial details and have you believe one thing, when in fact circumstances were completely different. I'll bet the average onlooker thought Kyle was squeaky clean and was only a dick by nature. Maybe he was a dick by nature, but crystal meth had a way of making a dick into a monster. My broken wrist in Miami was the result of jealousy and a little bit of meth up a nostril. Up until New Years, there was nothing worse than some shoving and aggressive yelling and empty promises of getting off of the drug, along with promises of ending his relationship with Jessyca.

  I was smarter than my actions proved. I knew that I should have broken up with Kyle months before Luke left, and especially afterward. I knew that when he started taking hits of meth for "therapeutic reasons" that I should have bowed out, but I guess my addiction to Kyle was just as bad as being addicted to any drug. The results were the same: on the surface it felt really good, but the damage to one's body and mind was irreversible, deadly.

  In the early hours of the new year, our addictions consumed us. Kyle had struck me, and even as I sat there on the floor in confusion, thinking it had to have been a mistake, he was already lost to me. When he took a handful of hair and tried to force me to my feet, I clawed at his hand. The blood seeping from the gouges I created did nothing to deter him before he slammed my head into the mirror over my vanity. As the glass shattered to the floor, all I could think about in that moment was about the destruction of the last gift my grandmother had given to me before passing away when I was only nine years old.

  While Kyle roared like a beast and destroyed other mementos in my room, I crawled through the glass to the side of my bed and pulled myself to my feet. I watched with an open mouth as he overturned a tall dresser, still full of clothes and other miscellaneous items. When his eyes turned on me, I didn't see Kyle. I saw madness, and it took my breath away. As he yelled at me, cursed at me, and threatened my life, I understood that there would be no reasoning with him, and there would be no escape.

  I would like to tell you that I defended myself, that I fought back, and I kicked his ass, but then I would be lying. The meth made Kyle's level of strength inhuman. I was a mere mortal, with no stupid drug in my blood. Nothing short of a miracle was going to turn me into Wonder Woman or some other awesome female super hero. This wasn't one of those happy ending hour long prime time shows where the heroin stands up to her attacker and overcomes him with wits and luck. If I further provoked Kyle by fighting back, he was going to kill me.