by Andria Large
There is a light knock on the door.
“Who is it?” Because if it’s Tucker, I don’t want to see him right now.
“Duke. Can I come in?”
“Yeah.”
I don’t bother lifting my head as the door opens and closes. The bed dips next to me as he sits. He puts his arm around me and gives my shoulder a squeeze.
“You okay?”
I shake my head. “No, I’m not okay. I have no idea how to feel right now. I’m fucking furious, I’m hurt, but I’m also glad and relieved as fucking hell he’s here. Confusion doesn’t even cover what the hell is going on in my head right now.”
“Why don’t you call your therapist? See if you can get an extra appointment this week? Because, honestly, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m too close to you guys to look at this situation objectively.”
I nod. “Yeah, okay. I’ll call.”
“Good, now I’m gonna go back out there and check on Tucker. He said he was actually feeling a little dizzy. You clocked him good.” A small smile tugs at his lips.
“Dammit. I wasn’t trying to give him a concussion.”
“He’s fine. Don’t worry about it. He’s had worse. Will you be okay if I leave you two alone tonight? Or are you going to beat on him some more?” Duke teases, using his arm around my shoulders to shake me a little bit.
I huff out a little laugh. “No, I’m not going to beat on him. I’m gonna stay in here tonight.”
“Okay. Because I got shit to do in my apartment. The place is practically still empty,” he says with a roll of his eyes.
“I’m sorry.” I frown.
“Hey, don’t do that. I was here with you by choice, because you’re my friend and you needed me.”
“I did. Thank you.” I send him a little lopsided grin.
Duke squeezes my shoulder again. “You know, if you hadn’t hit him, I eventually would have.” He grins.
I chuckle.
“Give him a chance to make it right, Dennis. He loves you,” Duke murmurs before getting up and leaving.
TUCKER
DENNIS HAS been in his old bedroom since he punched me in the face. I tenderly touch the bruised and swollen skin around my left eye while looking at myself in the bathroom mirror. It fucking hurts. Well, a lot of shit fucking hurts right now, and I’m not talking about physical pain. God, that kiss Dennis gave me earlier tore my heart apart. It was so raw and emotional. Made me realize how deep my leaving cut him. I honestly don’t know how we’re ever going to get back to the way we were, or if we can ever get there. Some wounds are too deep to heal.
Duke left a few hours ago, wanting to finally spend some time in his new apartment. I’m sure he’s eager to get some alone time too. Dennis wasn’t the only one affected by me leaving. Speaking of that, I should call Lizette and apologize to her.
I sigh and shut the light off as I leave the bathroom. Staring down the hall at the closed door at the end of it, I debate on trying to talk to him a little bit. Really, what can it hurt? He’ll either tell me to fuck off or he’ll talk to me. I stop outside the door and take a deep breath before knocking lightly.
I’m just about to walk away, thinking he’s not going to answer, when I hear his deep voice call, “Come in.”
My heart leaps into my throat as I turn the knob and open the door. When I walk in, Dennis is lying partially on his stomach on the bed, clutching a pillow to his chest. His green eyes meet mine, but there is no emotion in them. Shit. Dennis has closed himself off.
“Hey,” I murmur.
“Hi.”
“Can… uh… can we talk?” I ask hesitantly.
Dennis shrugs. Well, that’s not a no. I move farther into the room, closer to the bed.
“Can I sit with you?”
He sighs heavily and pushes up, shifting around until he’s sitting on the opposite side of the bed, his back against the headboard. He pulls the pillow he was lying on up against his chest, wrapping his arms around it and resting his chin on it. Dammit, he couldn’t look more vulnerable if he tried.
I sit down next to him, leaving enough room between us so there’s no chance of accidentally brushing against each other. I hate it, but I know it’s what he needs. I lace my fingers together and set them in my lap. I’m dying to reach over and touch him, but I know he wouldn’t accept that right now.
“Dennis, I fucked up. I know this. And I’m so fucking sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, and there really is no excuse for what I did. My head was fucked-up from my mom dying, and the fear of also losing my dad and brother took over. But I love you.” I rake a hand through my hair. “Shit, I love you more than life itself. And I will do whatever I can to prove it to you. I just hope you can eventually forgive me, because I need you in my life.”
I look over at Dennis to find him staring stoically straight ahead.
“Right now, I don’t know how to forgive you,” he says, his voice low and emotionless. “After everything we’ve been through together, and begging you not to leave, you walk out the door, basically tossing it all away like it meant nothing to you. It felt like everything I had to live for got ripped out from under me. Just like when Zara died.”
There is suddenly not enough air in the room. Holy shit, what have I done? I may have damaged our relationship beyond repair. I shove my hands into my hair and hang my head.
“Fuck,” I breathe. I feel like I’ve been hit by a car, and it’s sitting on my chest.
“Do you… do you even still love me?” I croak, not daring to look at him for fear of what I might see.
“Of course I do,” Dennis says without hesitation, his voice soft and finally filled with emotion. I hated hearing the deadness in his tone.
I blow out the breath I didn’t even know I was holding.
“Do you still want to be with me after all of this?” I ask, finally glancing over at him.
Dennis turns his head to look at me. Those green eyes of his search mine for a moment before he speaks. “Yes. I may be hurt and pissed and unsure of how we’re going to fix things, but you’re it for me. You’re my forever, Tuck.”
My eyes burn as tears well up and threaten to fall. I nod. “And you’re mine.”
I take a deep breath and scoot off the bed. I make my way to the door. When I get there, I stop and look back to find him watching me.
“We’ll do this on your terms. I won’t be making any moves at getting close to you unless you ask me to. I don’t want to push you before you’re ready,” I tell him.
Dennis nods. “I appreciate that.”
I give him a soft, loving smile before leaving the room and shutting the door behind me.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
DENNIS
“HOW ABOUT we get some coffee before going to get that thing off?” Duke asks as we make our way toward the orthopedic doctor’s office so I can get this godforsaken cast off my leg. There’s a Starbucks on the corner next to the office.
I grumble a “whatever” and follow Duke into the Starbucks.
It’s been about four days since Tucker got home, and I haven’t been able to move forward yet. Which in turn makes me fucking miserable because I have to look at him every night when he gets home from work. We’re sleeping in separate rooms still, which I also fucking hate. I miss him so badly that my entire body aches. But I can’t just forget that he walked away from me.
“Hey, there’s Arianna. I’m gonna go say hi. Order me an iced coffee, cream and sugar,” Duke says and starts for where she and a friend are sitting by the window.
“Okay,” I mutter and make my way up to the counter.
As I wait in line, I hitch the backpack holding my other shoe a little higher and lean heavily on my crutches for support. I’m so tired. Obviously, sleep hasn’t been easy to come by lately. When it’s my turn, I move up and tell the barista my order.
I glance over my shoulder to see Arianna looking my way. She gives me a little smile and a wave. I can barely muster up a smile to give her b
ack and just lift my hand in greeting. Duke thankfully brings her attention back to him.
After a minute’s wait for our drinks, I have to call Duke back over to carry them because I can’t do that while using crutches. Duke says his good-byes to Arianna and her friend, then makes his way over to me. He grabs both drinks, and we exit.
“She’s so freaking beautiful, man,” he murmurs before taking a sip of his iced coffee.
I hum my agreement as we walk down the block toward the doctor’s office.
“She hired me to follow her fiancé around. Thinks he’s cheating,” he grumbles.
I glance over at Duke. “For real? That sucks.”
Arianna is a great girl. She doesn’t deserve some dirtbag treating her like shit.
Once in the doctor’s office, I check in, then sit down to wait. I get in a couple of sips of my coffee before Duke asks, “Have you and Tucker talked at all?”
“Only the one time the night he got back,” I reply shortly.
“So you’re basically just ignoring him when he’s there?” Duke asks cautiously.
“I don’t even know what to say to him. I have no idea how to move on.” Sighing, I rake a hand through my hair.
“Maybe you guys should go to couples therapy,” Duke suggests.
I roll my eyes. “Just what I need, more fucking therapy.”
Before the conversation can go any further, the nurse calls me back. Duke follows me into the room with our coffees. He sits in the chair against the wall, and I hop up onto the exam table. The nurse scans my chart before turning to me with a smile.
“Looks like we’re taking that cast off today,” she says.
“Hallelujah,” I reply.
“I’m going to take it off, then the doctor will come in and take a peek,” she explains.
“Okay.” I nod.
It takes a few minutes for the nurse to saw through the cast and break it open. Once it’s off, though, I breathe a sigh of relief. My calf muscle has shrunk significantly, and I’m going to have to work like hell to get it back. Dammit. The doctor gives me the green light and after slipping on my shoe, Duke and I make our way back out to his car.
“So you can get back to work now, right?” Duke asks as he starts the engine.
“Yes, thank God. I’ve been going stir-crazy in that freaking condo.”
“Good. And you know, maybe if you get back into some kind of normal routine, everything with Tucker will fall into place,” he offers with a shrug.
“I don’t know.” I exhale, staring out the window at the passing buildings.
“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but it happened, and it fucking sucked, but he came back, and he loves you to death. You still love him, right?” Duke asks, giving my arm a smack.
“Of course I do.”
“Then you have got to find a way to move on. You can’t change what happened, but you can’t let it ruin what you know is a great relationship. This is just a hurdle you need to get over. You have to try. Pull him into a hug or something. You don’t have to say anything, but the physical contact may help soothe the anger inside you.”
I gawk at him. “Who the hell are you, and what did you do with Duke?”
He gives me an uninspired look. “I’m fucking smart. Didn’t you know?”
I scoff and shake my head. “You’re an ass.”
TUCKER
IT’S A long, slow, boring day at work, but luckily it’s Friday, and I have the weekend to do… I don’t know what. It used to be Dennis and me spending the day together doing things before he had to go to work. He hasn’t been speaking to me, though. So I don’t know what I’m going to do for the weekend. I can go to the gym. Maybe Duke can hang out. I shoot him a text.
Hey, you busy this weekend? Was thinking we could hang out just the two of us.
Duke replies a few minutes later.
Actually I’m going to a party on Saturday. Not sure about Sunday.
Damn, okay. Never mind, then. Maybe another time.
Sorry, bud.
I put my phone in my pocket and slouch back in my desk chair. It’s almost quitting time; the clock just needs to move a little faster. My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and check the screen. It’s Dennis. He sent me a text! My heart leaps as I swipe the screen to open it.
I’m cast free. Starting back to work tomorrow.
A small smile pulls at my lips. He’s trying to include me back into his life by throwing me this little bone. It may seem small and frivolous to someone else, but this text has made my entire day.
That’s great, Denny!
I keep it short and sweet.
My leg looks like a shriveled-up albino twig.
I roll my lips in to keep from barking out a laugh and drawing attention to myself. I’ve had broken bones before, so yeah, I understand what he’s talking about.
Lol! It’ll be back to normal in no time.
Hope so. See you at home.
Okay.
My last half hour of work is all smiles, as is my ride home on my motorcycle. I made sure to change into my leathers at work because it’s too cold out to ride without them. After not talking to Dennis in four days, having just a small conversation through text messaging is enough to have me flying high. I really hope the communication continues when I get home.
I walk in the door with a smile, which immediately drops when I see the look on Dennis’s face from where he’s sitting on the couch. He’s downright livid. I know I haven’t done anything that could make him this upset, so it has to be something else.
“Dennis? What’s the matter?” I ask with a frown, setting my helmet down by the front door.
His eyes flash furiously as he lifts them to meet mine. He hands me a piece of paper when I stop in front of him; I hadn’t even realized he was holding it. I sink down to sit on the coffee table as I read over the paper. The creaking of my leather pants and jacket are the only noise in the room.
I blink stupidly at the paper. “What the fuck is this?”
“It’s a bill from the funeral home that apparently buried my father last month,” he grits out.
I blink rapidly as my eyebrows crank down. “What?”
“Exactly! I didn’t even know he was dead!” Dennis shouts as he shoots to his feet and paces back behind the couch. “My mother never called to tell me he died. She just has the funeral home send me the fucking bill!”
“Does Lizette know?” I ask, still having a hard time processing this.
“Not that I know of.”
“You’re not paying this,” I state.
“You’re damn fucking right I’m not! I’m gonna call up that funeral home and tell them to send the bill to my mother. That fucking bitch!” he snarls as he continues pacing with his hands on his hips.
I watch as his expression turns tortured. I set the paper down on the table and stand. After skirting the couch, I grab Dennis by his arm and pull him into a hug. He comes easily, wrapping his arms around me and dropping his forehead to my shoulder.
“It’s okay to be upset that he’s dead. He was still your father, even if he was a bastard.”
Dennis rolls his head side to side on my shoulder. “I don’t give a fuck about him. I’m glad he’s finally gone and that I don’t have to worry about him bothering me anymore. I’m pissed I didn’t get to spit on his casket and watch him get put in the ground.”
I let out a little chuckle. “Yeah, I guess I would be pissed about that too if I were you.”
Dennis lets me go and goes to the coffee table to grab the paper. “I’m going to go call Lizette.”
I nod and watch him walk down to the end of the hall and into his old bedroom, shutting the door behind him. I flop down onto the couch and let out a heavy sigh. I still can’t believe his mother didn’t call to tell him his father was dead. At least Dennis let me comfort him a little bit. It felt so good to have him in my arms again, even if it was for only a short time.
DENNIS
A
FTER HAVING to tell Lizette about our dad—which was as fun as one would expect—I just don’t have the energy to deal with everything going on between Tucker and me, so I stay in my room after I hang up.
That little hug earlier has me wanting to forget everything and go running back into his arms, never to leave again. But I’m so afraid to trust him. I’m afraid he’s going to decide this isn’t what he wants and then leave for good.
I lie back on the bed and stare up at the ceiling. My thoughts drift to my dad and all the shit he did to me in the past. All the times he would come home after being at the bar all day and kick the shit out of me because he could. All the times I sacrificed myself to save Lizette from getting beaten. All the times I had to try to find something for Lizette and me to eat when there was nothing. Too many times to count I went to the grocery store and stole a loaf of bread so we would have something.
My mother was usually passed out by midafternoon. She’d wake up around eight in the evening, order food for herself, eat, drink, then go back to sleep. Sometimes, Lizette and I got the leftovers.
Fuck, my entire childhood was a nightmare. And my father, the man who caused me the most pain, the one man in this world who was supposed to love me unconditionally and take care of me, is now dead. He’s dead. I will never earn his approval or pride. He will never tell me that he loves me. Not that I expected those things from him, but now that he’s gone, it’s so final.