The Backup Plan

by Sherryl Woods

  “Do you suppose we could turn that off or is it more scintillating than my company?” he inquired, trying to keep his tone light.

  She did look at him then and turned the sound down, but not off. “Did you come over here prepared to be scintillating, Cordell?” she inquired with evident fascination. “Right here in my mother’s house?”

  He gave her his most wicked grin. “Now that truly would be my pleasure, sugar, but actually I came to talk.”

  She groaned. “Not you, too. Did you and Maggie compare notes and decide I needed a booster pep talk?”

  “Something like that,” he admitted, seeing little point in denying it. He didn’t want her to get all sidetracked by conspiracy theories.

  She turned the sound on the TV back up. “Then go away.”

  “Not until you tell me what happened in Afghanistan,” he said, removing the remote from her hand and clicking the TV off entirely.

  She frowned. “I thought the deal was that I had to talk to some shrink or something.”

  “I’m giving you one last chance to talk to me first.”

  “I don’t want to talk to you. To be perfectly honest, I don’t want to talk to anyone, but Maggie kept pushing, so I agreed to see a professional. I can tell you now what he’ll say. He’ll tell me that it’s going to take time. At a hundred dollars an hour, I figure that’s a waste of money, but if it will shut the two of you up, I’ll do it.”

  “Did you make an appointment?”

  “Not yet.”

  “Office hours will end soon. It’s already past four.”

  She shrugged. “Then I’ll call in the morning.”

  Cord backed down from that fight for the moment. “How about I tell you what I think happened over there? You can correct me if I get it wrong.”

  “Whatever,” she said without inflection, her gaze averted.

  He took that for a yes. “Okay, here’s the way I see it. You were a little too close to the action. Someone died, probably right in front of you. Maybe even someone you knew,” he said, watching her face closely for any sign that he was getting close to the truth. Her face remained perfectly blank, but there was a tiny flicker in her eyes. Anguish, if he wasn’t mistaken. He kept pushing. “You didn’t do anything. You couldn’t. That started you off on the panic attacks. It made you second-guess everything you were doing.”

  He looked into her eyes, but once more she averted her gaze. He tucked a finger under her chin and made her face him. “How am I doing so far?”

  Her lips stayed stubbornly clamped together, but there was even more turmoil in her eyes.

  “You were used to being the best in the business, but all of a sudden you were off your game. Your bosses wouldn’t cut you any slack. They wanted you at full speed or not at all. Before they could fire you, you quit.”

  She swallowed hard and a tear leaked out and trailed down her cheek. Cord had to fight the longing to wrap his arms around her. He kept pushing.

  “Why’d you quit, Dinah? Did they really back you into a corner? Or were you the one who decided you couldn’t cut it anymore? Now I may not know much about the network news business, but the way I see it, you were too valuable for them to suddenly toss you out on your behind. My guess is they tried to get you to take a leave of absence or another assignment, just something you could handle till you got your head straight, but your pride kicked in. You saw anything less than being on the front lines as a humiliation, right?”

  She blinked hard, but the tears kept coming. “Why are you doing this?” she asked, her voice choked.

  “Because you need to face it,” he said. “You got scared that you couldn’t cut it anymore, so you ran. And now you don’t know what to do with yourself. You’ve lost confidence. That would be one sorry thing for most people, but for a woman like you, a woman who’s always known her own mind, fought to get what she wanted, it’s a downright shame.”

  Now there was real fire flashing in her eyes, thank God.

  “I am still a better reporter than ninety percent of the people over there,” she shouted at him. “You don’t know anything about it, Cordell. You don’t know what it takes to do that job.”

  “No,” he agreed. “But you do. Can you still cut it, Dinah?”

  “Yes,” she said emphatically.

  “Then why are you here? Come on, Dinah. Just say it. Why are you here, instead of over there doing what you do best?”

  Her fragile hold on her temper snapped. “Because I’m terrified, dammit! There, I said it. Does that make you happy?”

  Cord did wrap his arms around her then. “No, it doesn’t make me happy. It breaks my heart.” He leaned away and smiled at her. “But it’s the first step on the road back, Dinah. I’d stake my life on that.”

  She gave him a startled look. “You want me to go back?”

  Cord struggled to get the next part right. “No,” he said, wiping a stray curl away from her damp cheek. “The last thing I want for my sake is you leaving here to go anywhere at all. But I want you to know that you can go back, that you’re strong enough to do it, if that’s what you choose to do. Journalism mattered to you. Nobody should lose something that matters to them that much just because they’re scared.”

  She gave him a sad look. “I don’t know how not to be scared anymore.” She waved an arm around the room. “This isn’t where I belong. I know that. Hiding out isn’t who I am. I just don’t know how to stop.”

  “Face whatever happened,” he said. “Once and for all, face it. Until you’ve done that, you’ll never be able to put it behind you. That means looking all the ugliness straight in the eye without blinking. No more hiding from it. No more keeping it bottled up inside. The more you talk about it, the less powerful its hold on you. Right now you’ve got it built up in your head like this huge, awful black monster that can swallow you up. I can’t chase it away—Lord knows, I would if I could—but you can.”

  He reached for the phone beside the bed and handed it to her along with a slip of paper with the number Maggie had given him. “Call now and make that appointment.”

  She looked as if she might argue, but finally she took the phone from his hand and dialed. Her voice was steady and emphatic when she said she needed an appointment for the next day.

  Her gaze locked with Cord’s. “Yes, it’s an emergency,” she said quietly.

  “What time?” he asked when she’d hung up.

  “Noon.”

  “Want me to take you?”

  Her chin rose a notch. “Thank you for offering, but no. I need to do this on my own. If it’s supposed to be my first step back, I can’t very well have you carrying me.”

  The return of her independent streak was cause for celebration, but for reasons he didn’t want to explore right now, Cord didn’t feel one bit like celebrating. In fact, he had to wonder if he hadn’t just sent Dinah straight down the path that would eventually rip them apart.

  Once Cord had gone, Dinah retreated to the familiar sanctity and comfort of the pool. She had a lot of thinking to do before tomorrow’s appointment. She needed to figure out if he was right about why she’d taken the drastic action of quitting her job, instead of taking either a leave of absence or one of the many other assignments Ray and the network had dangled in front of her.

  Was it pride and the fear of failing even at some nothing little assignment that had made her insist on a clean break? The fact that she’d been packed and out of that hellhole the instant her replacement’s plane had touched down suggested her hurry had been all about desperation and not about some sudden longing to get home to Bobby and her family. Bobby had simply been the excuse she’d used, the safety net. She wasn’t any more in love with him now than she had been a decade ago. Discovering that he was engaged had been inconvenient, nothing more.

  God, she really was as selfish and self-absorbed as Maggie had accused her of being. She would have married a man just to solve her own problem without a moment’s thought about what it might do to his life. Or
, eventually, to her own.

  Unfortunately now she was stuck with her impulsive decision. She did not regret coming home for one single minute, but the truth was she had no idea what she was going to do now that her backup plan was in disarray. Cord and Maggie were right about one thing. It was past time to do some heavy-duty soul-searching and formulate a new plan, instead of drifting along waiting for some epiphany to show her the way. The last take-charge thing she’d done was drive to Atlanta to look for Bobby.

  Except for seducing Cord, she reminded herself with an unwilling twitch of her lips. She had made that hap pen. Apparently her old spirit wasn’t entirely dead. Maybe there was hope for her, after all.

  Of course, there was no need to get started before she had to, which was noon tomorrow. Until then she could stay right where she was in the pool, her skin puckering.

  When her mother arrived home, she took one look at her daughter and went back inside. When she returned, she was carrying a pitcher of vodka and tonic, a cut glass dish filled with slices of lime, and two very tall glasses.

  “We need to talk,” she said as she set the tray of drinks on a table shaded by a giant umbrella. When Dinah didn’t move, she added, “Now, please.”

  Dinah recognized a command when she heard one, even if it was coated with sugary politeness. She climbed out of the pool, rubbed her shriveled-up body dry, then sat down opposite her mother and took a sip of the drink her mother had set before her. It was strong enough to make her choke.

  “Trying to loosen my tongue?” she asked wryly.

  “Precisely,” her mother said without the slightest hint of regret. “Your father and I have been so relieved to have you home and safe, I’ve kept silent up till now, but I can no longer ignore the fact that you’re getting thinner and thinner with each passing day. There’s no sparkle in your eyes. I think you need to see a doctor.”

  Dinah felt her gut tighten. “I’m not sick.”

  “Sick at heart, then,” her mother said. “See a psychologist.”

  Dinah took a deep breath, then admitted, “You’re not the first to suggest that today. I already have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow.”

  “Really?” Her mother’s expression filled with heart-felt relief. “Thank goodness.”

  Dinah’s eyes stung with tears at her mother’s reaction. “I’m sorry. I had no idea how worried you’ve been.”

  “Don’t be sorry. All that matters is that you’re going to get help. It’s plain to all of us that whatever happened has been eating away at you.”

  Dinah couldn’t deny the truth of that. She’d been trying for months to bury the memory of Peter’s death, to deny that it had taken something important out of her, but all of her efforts had been in vain.

  Cord had come so close to putting the story together. When had he developed the knack for seeing into her head? And what did it mean that he cared enough to do so?

  None of that really mattered right now, though. All that mattered was banishing the memories that had haunted her from that fateful day. The only problem was, she had no idea what to do to change her approach.

  The solution Cord and Maggie were offering—talking about it incessantly—wasn’t her way. Davises didn’t whine. They were cool and unemotional. They accepted life’s knocks and moved on. They triumphed. Just look at what her mother had made of her life.

  The fact that Dinah couldn’t seem to get past what had happened to her, the fact that she still awakened in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with her heart pounding wildly filled her with a sense of complete failure. How on earth could she share that with anyone?

  But even as those dire thoughts filled her head, she remembered anew that one person had already guessed most of it. And when she’d looked into his eyes, she hadn’t seen disgust or disdain. She’d seen concern.

  No, she corrected, recalling what Maggie had told her at lunch. She’d actually seen the love Maggie had been talking about. If Cord could still have feelings for her after everything he’d guessed about her dark secret, then wasn’t it time she was brave enough to start to love herself again?

  As much as she hated the thought of going to see a psychologist, she knew now that she had no choice. Maybe this person that Maggie had found for her and that Cord had forced her to call was the answer to Dinah’s unspoken prayers.

  Dinah reached for her mother’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “I love you, Mother.”

  A pleased smile spread across her mother’s face and Dinah realized how rarely she’d ever spoken those words to either of her parents, how rarely she’d expressed them to anyone. It had always been safer to keep silent, to avoid any hint of vulnerability.

  Now that she knew the truth about her mother’s pregnancy forcing the marriage, Dinah had to wonder if she hadn’t subliminally known all along that she hadn’t been the blessing they’d longed for, but rather an inconvenience that had rushed them to wed. Maybe she’d kept her emotional distance because she’d feared that her love for her parents wouldn’t be returned in full measure.

  “Everything’s going to work out for the best, Dinah. I truly believe that,” her mother said.

  “I think I’m beginning to believe it, too,” Dinah said, her heart lighter than it had been for months. She held out her glass. “Pour me another drink, Mother.”

  Her mother chuckled. “Happily. The first one worked like a charm. Who knows what secrets I might be able to pry out of you after two?”

  “Ah, just in time, I see,” Tommy Lee said, coming around the side of the house. “Can I have one of those, too?”

  To Dinah’s surprise, her mother gave him a sharp look. “You seem a little too eager. I’m beginning to worry about that.”

  “I’m not drinking too much,” Tommy Lee said defensively. “In fact, I’m here to celebrate. I’ll get myself a glass and bring out more vodka and tonic.”

  As soon as he’d gone inside, Dinah exchanged a look with her mother. “You’re worried about him, too, aren’t you?”

  Her mother nodded. “He’s not happy. He hasn’t been for a long time.”

  “Is it Laurie?” Dinah asked.

  She shook her head. “I don’t think so. In fact, they seem more in love with each other than ever.”

  Dinah reached over and touched her hand. “Perhaps he’ll explain when he comes back out.”

  A few minutes later, Tommy Lee poured himself a stiff drink, then sat on the edge of a chaise lounge facing their mother. “I wanted you to be the first to know that I’m leaving the bank,” he said quietly.

  Dinah gasped, even as her mother sat up perfectly straight with fire in her eyes.

  “Is this your father’s doing?” her mother demanded.

  “No, it’s my idea,” Tommy Lee assured her. “He doesn’t even know about it yet.”

  “But why on earth would you quit? And to do what?” Dorothy asked.

  Dinah watched Tommy Lee’s face and saw a flash of pure excitement in his eyes. It was wonderful to witness.

  “Actually I’m going to work with Cord and Bobby,” he said. “Cord hired me this afternoon.”

  Dinah exchanged a stunned look with her mother. She had no idea what to say to any of this. The fact that Cord hadn’t mentioned a word of it also grated.

  “Are you going to be a partner?” her mother asked Bobby.

  “Nope. I’m starting at the bottom. I intend to do this right. There’s a lot I don’t know.”

  Dorothy gave her son a befuddled look. “But why?”

  “Because I love working with my hands. I love all the restoration projects you’ve been involved in through the years. This is my chance to see if I can make a career of it.”

  Dinah noticed that their mother didn’t look convinced. She decided to throw in her two cents to be supportive. “I think it’s a wonderful idea, Tommy Lee. Do this while you’re young. The bank will always be there, if you change your mind.”

  He shook his head. “I’ll never go back to the bank and I
’m sure Dad wouldn’t have me, if I was willing. No, I’m cutting the ties with this decision.”

  “This is your father’s doing, isn’t it?” Dorothy asked again, even more heat in her voice. “I’ve sensed something going on between the two of you lately. He’s forcing you into this. I’ll talk to him.”

  “No, Mother,” Tommy Lee said emphatically. “This is my decision. It’s what I want.” He regarded her worriedly. “And I want to be the one to tell Dad, too. Don’t get involved, okay? I don’t want this to become a bone of contention between the two of you.”

  “Are you sure?” Dorothy asked, her worry apparent.

  Dinah studied her brother. “Can’t you see how happy he is, Mother? I can.”

  Tommy Lee winked at her. “Thank you.”

  Dorothy still didn’t look convinced. “I’m behind you a hundred percent, of course,” she told him. “But if you change your mind…”

  “I’m not going to change my mind.” He set aside his drink, which was mostly untouched. “I guess I’d better go break this to Dad.”

  Dinah grinned at him. “Without even finishing your drink?”

  “Tempting as it would be, I don’t want to show up in his office half-drunk. If he’s ever going to have any respect for me, he needs to know I made this decision while I was stone-cold sober.” He leaned down and kissed his mother’s brow. “Love you. Turns out I’m a lot more like you than either of us realized. I’m glad I faced that before it was too late and I’d wasted my whole life doing something I hated.”

  Dinah noticed that her mother’s worried gaze followed him as he left. “I’ll tell you the same thing you told me earlier. It’s going to be okay.”

  Her mother gave her a weary smile. “I hate to say it, but you’re not all that convincing.”

  “Hey, I’m doing the best I can,” Dinah told her.

  “And I suppose that’s all any of us can do,” her mother responded. “I just hope in your brother’s case, it’s enough given what he’s throwing away for this impulsive decision of his.”

  Dinah gave her mother’s hand a pat. “I don’t think it’s impulsive at all. I think it’s been a long time coming. He wants this, Mother. I could see it in his eyes. He’s truly excited. Be happy for him. Be proud of him for figuring out what he really wants and going after it. Isn’t that the most any of us can ask for, that we spend our lives doing what we love?”