All the Wild Ways

by Caroline Tate

  He shakes his head at himself and lowers the flowers, holding them in a shaky hand.

  “Rachel, you’ve wanted the best for me from day one. I was too blind to see it, to realize how much you care for me. And it’s not that I haven’t cared for you too, I just— I’ve been pushing those thoughts and feelings as far away as possible for fear of what could happen. For what might happen if I let myself open up to you. Losing you, too. That'd be my greatest fear. Shit, it already is my greatest fear. I couldn’t stand that if it happened.”

  The tears that I’ve been fighting for the past three minutes haze over my vision before they start falling down my cheeks.

  Garrett stares at me in what looks like utter fear, his jaw locked in a sobering rigidness. The shine of what can only be his own tears rim his eyes. When he speaks again, his voice is firm, adamant, and laced with a pain I've never heard from him before. “Rachel Marie Easton, I don’t want to live my life without you in it. You give me so much to look forward to every day, and I hadn’t realized just how much I would miss you until I turned you away. Despite everything I said that night, I don't know what I'd do if I lost you for good.”

  He lowers the flowers to his side, the blooms all drooping toward the floor. A profound silence hangs between us, thick like a web, but I can't bring myself to speak. I should be screaming at the top of my lungs in joy, jumping into his arms and covering him in kisses. But my stomach is in knots over his admission. When it should be cementing our future together, it only complicates things.

  My heart pounds in my chest as I sigh. Dudley now squirming in my grasp, I set him on the front stoop and urge him inside with a pat on his bum. Still, I don't follow him into the house. I will not cross that threshold again.

  The way Garrett is looking at me when I take a step backward puts a huge lump in my throat. His eyes are soft, but they rake over me with guilt and doubt.

  "Will you say something?" he asks, clearing his throat. “Please.”

  Garrett.” Taking one last deep breath, I shrug and steady myself for what I’m about to say. “I was accepted."

  His eyes bore into me for a split-second. "Accepted," he whispers. Cocking an eyebrow, he crosses his arms over his chest. And though every muscle in him sags in defeat, he smiles at me as kind as he can. "I knew you would be, Rach. Congratulations." He exhales and looks down at Dudley who is sitting on his tiny haunches beside the coffee table. He clears his throat and looks back up at me with a tired expression. "When do you leave then?"

  Chewing on my bottom lip, I shrug again. "Not sure which day. Next week though. Classes start Tuesday, and I’ve been looking for a place to rent down there."

  He nods blankly and stares at my collarbone, all the hopefulness from his earlier words laid out before us on his doorstep.

  “You hurt me,” I say.

  “I know."

  "No, you don't know." I feel my throat catch with distress, and as hesitant as I am about admitting it, the words spew right from my mouth. "I slept with someone else. Not that I owe you an explanation or anything because you were an asshole to me. But I did."

  He sucks in air through his teeth, audibly uncomfortable with my confession. Rubbing the back of his neck, he looks down at my shoes and nods. "I deserved it."

  Dudley has wandered back into my line of sight and yaps at something behind me, causing Garrett to nudge him back from the door with his shoe. When he looks back up at me, there's a dark storm brewing within the depths of his eyes. "Well, thank you for taking care of Dudley. I guess I didn't realize you'd moved on already. But I get it. Had to try though."

  Pointing my finger at him, I stubbornly shake my head. "Let me just set something straight," I say, looking him square in the face. "I haven't moved on. And as much as I wish I could just forget everything we had together, I can't make myself do it. The things I feel with you don't compare to any other person I've ever been with. I don't understand why or how or to what extent that's even possible. But that's the truth." Hard as I try to keep it steady, my voice dives into a simmering wave of emotion. "And you fuckin' stood there and told me you never wanted to see me again. That every time you looked at me, all you ever saw was pain and hurt. What was I supposed to do, Garrett?"

  When I speak his name this time, my emotional dam cracks wide open causing me to break down in front of him. Quickly, I turn away and step back toward the edge of the stoop.

  "Hey now," he says, following me outside. He must have laid the flowers down because from behind me, he wraps both his arms around my waist, tucking his chin down over my shoulder. "I never meant to hurt you, Rach. I thought I was doing what was best for the both of us. I was wrong, and I’m incredibly sorry."

  Nodding, I find comfort in his scent of clove surrounding me in the warm evening heat. Pulling my hand out from under his arm, I wipe the spilled tears from my cheeks.

  "You and I, I've always loved what we have together. You know that, right?"

  I shrug and breathe deep to catch my breath from my silent tears.

  He chuckles into the top of my hair and kisses my head. "Well, you should know that. This wild thing we've had. It's my favorite."

  I nod again but can't bring myself to talk.

  "Hey," he says, turning me in his arms to face him. Leaning down, he presses his forehead against mine. "No matter where life takes us, we’ll always have each other, okay?”

  Shaking my head at him, I duck my eyes down and stare at his unwavering jawline. “No matter what?” I ask.

  “No matter what,” he says just before pressing his lips to mine in the sweetest, most tender kiss I’ve ever felt from him. And there’s something different I feel in this kiss. His lips taste like clove with a hint of forgiveness, and it leaves me feeling like I’m the only person that really matters in his world.

  Garrett wraps his arms all the way around me pulling me closer into him until our warm bodies are wedged between the frame of his open door. I hear Dudley whine as Garrett reaches down and laces his fingers through mine. Pulling his face back to get a good look at me, he studies me. His eyes seem to dance around mine, their depth of green intoxicating and familiar. “There's one thing I want you to remember,” he says planting one last kiss on my forehead. He brings his mouth down over my hair and whispers something against my cheek. “You’ll always be my Gator Girl."

  Epilogue

  My cell phone rings over the car stereo interrupting a Parker Millsap song on the radio. Turning right onto Wade Avenue, I click the answer button. “Hello?”

  “Hey.” Garrett's deep voice calms everything around me and sets my soul at ease. He pauses for a moment until I hear him exhale over my speakers. “You drivin’?”

  “Yes, hands-free though.”

  “Good. How was the test? You ace it?”

  “It was surprisingly alright,” I say, clicking on my turn signal. “At least I didn’t feel dumb afterward like I thought I would. The professor said it was a hard one, but I felt decent.”

  “A hard one, huh?” he says, devilishly.

  “Shut up,” I laugh. “You know what I mean.”

  “Well, I always knew you had some brains in you.”

  “Yeah, well. Who knows where I got them.”

  With a laugh, Garrett clears his throat. "So, how's Raleigh treatin’ you?"

  "Oh, you know," I say casually, not wanting to let on how much I miss him. "Can't complain, I guess."

  His voice dips down into an earnest tone, and I imagine the look he’s giving me if I could see him right now. The twisted half-smile, the rise and fall of his chest. "You don't want to complain? Or you can't complain?"

  "Neither. I could definitely complain if I needed to."

  "Fair enough," he says, followed by a few seconds of silence. “Would you believe me if I told you I’m still clean?"

  “Garrett, really? Wow,” I say, my voice sounding like a sea of emotion. My chest tightens in adoration for him. “How long now?”

  “Seven months and... al
most a week, I guess. It’s been hard not dippin’, but worth it in the end. Hate to admit it, but you were always right about it.”

  “Well. I’m really proud of you,” I say, feeling a desperate urge to tuck myself under his arms for a hug.

  “I know.”

  Realizing he recognizes my pride for him, I smile. “Hey, what’s Dudley doing?”

  “Aw, he’s just up here layin’ next to me on the couch. Wishing you were here. He’s a big ol’ load. Must’ve grown two inches taller and a few inches wider than that since you last seen him.”

  The image of Dudley curled up in a white and brown ball next to Garrett makes my heart grow two shades warmer. “Tell him I miss him?”

  “Always do.”

  “Like how often, maybe?” I ask.

  “How often what? Do I think about bangin' you?”

  Trilling in a dark sort of laughter at his naughtiness, I shake my head even though he can’t see me. “You know what, Garrett?”

  “What’s that?”

  “You need to just— go find some nice woman in Southport and get yourself laid or something. Because your mind is just...” I trail off, my happiness fading imagining him spending time with some other woman.

  The resigning sigh that follows on his end of the phone has me timid. But I can still hear a hint of a smile on his mouth when he speaks again, though he sounds as tired as I feel. “Hey, I got a call on the other line right quick. Drive safe, alright?”

  “I will, thanks,” I say just before he hangs up.

  I pull into the driveway and throw my car into park. The entire week has been an exhausting one. Today alone has worn me out with two separate midterms and a paper due for one of my research classes. But as I'm finally home for the weekend, the only thing I can focus on is the pink hue of the sky tonight as the sun sinks down on the misty horizon. Grabbing my backpack from the back seat, I put it on and head toward the front door. The keys jingle at my side until I realize I won’t need them.

  Opening the door, I immediately hear the scratch of frantic puppy nails across the hardwood floor. Kneeling down, I intercept a slew of wet kisses from a very enthusiastic Dudley. “Hi, Bub.” He sniffs at my collar and nuzzles his snout into the fall of my blonde hair with a few snorts. “I missed you so much,” I sing to him, scratching his ears.

  With a snatch at the top of my backpack straps, Garrett snags me and pulls me up to meet him at his level. "What about me? You miss me, too?"

  Scrunching my nose up at him, I fake a pensive expression. “I'll have to think that one over.”

  “No kidding. What’s it been? Three months?”

  I laugh. “I know being away from me is torture for you, but try a week." I smile and press my cheek into his chest. "It’s definitely felt like three months though,” I say in all seriousness.

  He dips his head down and kisses me, his lips soft and gentle on mine.

  “Take this off,” he says, tugging at my backpack strap like a little kid.

  Untangling myself from him, I drop my bag to the floor. With a yawn, I head toward the couch to plop down, but before I can sit, Garrett loops an arm around my waist and leads me back to the front door.

  My brain on the edge of quitting for the night, I whine at his wanting to get up and go. “Mmm. Can’t I sit? It’s been a long day.”

  “Work called. I thought you might want to come with me.”

  I look at the digits glowing a neon blue at the bottom corner of his television. “What do they want with you at eight o’clock on a Friday?” Inching my way to the couch that looks comfortable after my two-and-a-half hour drive from Raleigh, I attempt to free myself from his arms one last time.

  “Pipe burst. I gotta cut the sprinklers." He nuzzles his face into the crook of my neck, leaving me a warm kiss. His breath on my skin tickles. "Come with me? It won't take long. Promise.”

  Still in Garrett’s grip, I groan at his urgent, irresistible plea.

  “Come on, I missed you, Rach. Please?"

  His words melt me, and it doesn't take much more to convince me as I let out a lingering sigh.

  "How about you come with me, and we’ll take Dudley for a W-A-L-K afterward,” he says, grinning. He grabs the leash that’s looped on the coat closet doorknob which throws Dudley into a tailspin of happy madness. After reeling Dudley into the picture, there’s no way I can refuse.

  I wait in the passenger side seat as Garrett loads an ecstatic Dudley into the bed of the truck. While accompanying Garrett to work on a Friday night isn't exactly my idea of a fun time, I admire the dedication he has to his job. And the fact that he wants me to spend time with him makes my heart swell, even if it is just for a ride over to the resort.

  On the drive over to Oak Island, I watch the sky turn navy over the disappearing pink horizon. Unusually warm for a mid-April evening, we have the windows down, the air blowing my hair wild. I watch Dudley in the side mirror as he presses his face to the warm, salty air from the bed of the truck.

  When Garrett reaches over and puts his hand on my knee, I take his hand in mine and feel everything I’ve missed about him all week.

  When we pull up to the maintenance department of the resort, Garrett leashes Dudley and helps him down from the truck bed. Handing me the leash, he plants a quick kiss on the top of my head.

  “Where’s the leak?” I ask, trailing behind Dudley as he pulls me to the edge of the gravel to sniff at the grass.

  “Over the hill. I’ll have to grab the Gator.”

  I waggle my eyebrows at him in animation and don a nerdy voice. “Oh, really? Grabbin' the Gator, huh? Is that code for you wantin’ some tonight?” I ask, attempting my best impression of him.

  He scoffs and shakes his head at me. “Me? Psh, never,” he shouts over his shoulder as he disappears into the maintenance shed.

  Unleashing the Gator, he rolls up to us, and I hop on as Dudley squirms his way between Garrett and me.

  “Hold on,” Garrett says, lurching us forward, speeding us off onto the fairway of the golf course. Though there’s a bite to it, the air is laced with freedom tonight and feels so good against my hot cheeks. He weaves us through the grass, out of reach of every sprinkler we pass. Stepping on the gas pedal at Hole Seven with a laugh, he accelerates us over the grounds, and I grab onto his arm with a squeal. Side-eyeing me with a charming grin, he reaches overtop Dudley who’s still wedged between us on the seat and puts a hand back behind me, drawing me into him.

  Suddenly realizing we haven’t stopped to shut off any of the sprinklers, I grow impatient. “Where are we going?” I shout overtop the wind and the purring of the engine. “The sprinklers look fine!”

  “You’ll see,” he shouts back, concealing another grin.

  It doesn’t hit me where we’re headed until he swings us around the bend of oak trees and the Gator hums loud carrying us up to the crest of the hill where Hole Number Fourteen sits under the low-hanging sky.

  “Garrett.”

  “Yeah?” he asks, throwing us into park. He hops out of the vehicle and unleashes Dudley, letting him run off into a frolicking gallop, his snout trained to the ground. “Hole Fourteen,” he says, swinging around to the back of the Gator and digging in his toolbox that’s strapped down by bungee cords. He pulls out a folded quilt and two dark bottles.

  “What are you doing?”

  He sets the bottles down on the grass and floats the blanket onto the patch of ground a few feet in front of the hole giving us a clear view of the dropped course that turns into a sea of trees. “Sprinklers seem to be fine. Pipe looked good back there.”

  “Yeah, but what are you—”

  “Come sit.” He drops to the blanket and pats the spot next to him. “Can’t a guy show his girl some love up on the golf course?”

  Settling in next to him, I feel a chill run down my spine. When I look over at him, his gaze is trained on the orange-stained horizon in front of us. He twists the bottle cap off of a beer and dangles it to me. Twisting the cap off his
own drink, he takes a hard swig. “I missed you.”

  Still staring at him, I study the crease in his forehead, the silhouette of his face against the fading light. Reaching over, I kiss his warm cheek. “I missed you, too. I miss you every week while I’m at school.”

  Looking over at me, he sets his beer bottle in the grass away from him and wraps his arms around me, pulling me into him. “I want to ask you something.”

  “Okay,” I say, hoping to God he’s not about to ultimatum me into ditching vet school for him. His voice sounds serious and unwavering, and for some reason, I can’t help but flash back to when he sounded like this nine months ago on the shore of Lake Carson. That dreaded night he left me. My body trembles at the thought, but I push myself further into his strength to ease my shakes.

  “How long have you and I known each other?” he asks, brushing pieces of my hair back.

  I sweep my eyes across the hazy horizon laid out in front of us. Dudley is pre-occupied, busy piddling about on the green as I count back the years in my mind. Our families had met when Lydia and I were in pre-school together. “Wow,” I say, not realizing it had been quite so long. “Eighteen years or something now, I would guess.”

  “Thought so,” he says sounding hesitant. “I thought about seeing if I could put in for a transfer over in Raleigh at the resort there.”

  “You don’t have to do that.” My voice sounds more concerned than I’d meant for it to, but a puff of air escapes my lips, a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. “Seeing me two days a week isn’t enough for you?”

  Biting his lip, he shakes his head and runs a hand down his face. “Not even close, Gator.”

  Dudley races up to the blanket and pounces right on my shins with a playful whimper causing me to laugh. “Bub, what’d you find us, huh?” I say, scratching him behind his ears.

  Garrett recoils his arms from me and doesn’t say anything for a few moments. I feel him shifting on the blanket, I assume making space for Dudley to lay beside us, but when he speaks, his voice is lowered with a pressing strain to it. “Rachel?”