Fashionably Dead and Wed Book 7

by Robyn Peterman

  My answer was lots of wet sloppy kisses and a few grabs of my ass. Nothing out of the ordinary.

  ***

  “You need us,” Martha said tearing off the nun’s habit to reveal purple booty shorts, a green midriff shirt, yellow socks and black orthopedic shoes.

  “Sweet Baby Jesus in a thong,” I said, turning away from the horrific sight. “You look like a fucking Mardi Gras reject from Hell.”

  “That’s nothing,” Jane grunted with pride. “I look like a Christmas tree on crack.”

  She was correct. While her outfit was similar to her sister’s the color scheme was red, green and silver with matching black shoes.

  “Do you idiots ever look in the mirror?” I asked.

  “Can’t. We’re dead,” Martha explained.

  “No reflection,” Jane added seriously.

  “That certainly justifies part of it,” I muttered. “And no, you’re not coming.”

  “You’re making a huge mistake, Boobalishous McKnockserman,” Jane informed me, as she armed herself to the teeth with throwing stars. A weapon with which she was wildly untalented.

  “How’s that?” I asked, watching Martha load herself down with daggers and grenades. “You two get into trouble just standing there. You’d be a liability.”

  “I beg to differ, Breasticle Udderbomb,” Martha corrected me primly.

  I really didn’t have time for this, but I always asked questions I didn’t want the answers to.

  “Explain,” I said waiting for either bullshit or frogs to fly from their mouths.

  Unfortunately, neither did.

  “The Fairies are obsessed with us after we won American Idol in Xanthia,” Martha pointed out sounding logical for once. “We’re rock stars, even to the Dark Fairies.”

  “That goes a long way with those flying sparkly fuckers,” Jane further reasoned. “We could provide an outstanding motherhumpin’ distraction if you need it.”

  “Which I think you do,” Martha added looking very proud of herself.

  Normally they rendered me mute because their words were so ridiculous, but this time it was because they made sense.

  Shitshitshit.

  Fairies were obsessed with reality TV—odd but true. They were also ear screechingly tone deaf. So when Martha and Jane, who were semi-competent at best, competed on Xanthia’s version of American Idol, their status rose to that of demigods. Their presence could be helpful—it might even save lives.

  Ethan was going to blow a gasket.

  “If you do anything to hinder or fuck up the mission, I will destroy you. This is not a game. Those sons of bitches are impersonating me somehow at the opened portals. I need to find them, question them and kill them. Am I making myself clear?”

  “Sounds good to me,” Martha said.

  “We know we’re annoying, Titties LaNipplehard, but we would die for you,” Jane said. “You saved us.”

  “Several times,” Martha corrected her sister. “We’re not extremely fond of you and your knockers, but we’re loyal.”

  “Shut the fuck up,” Jane said as she slapped her sister in the head. “We are fond of you, but we’ll deny it in public. So don’t go gettin’ any ideas about saying we’re friends,” she warned, shaking her bony finger in my face.

  “No worries there,” I promised, trying not to laugh.

  “Good. It’s solved then. We’re gonna help you take out those floating doucheknuckles,” Martha said with an evil little grin.

  “And we have a surprise wedding gift for you!” Jane shouted with glee.

  “Did you steal it?” I asked. It was a rational question considering they’d stolen every one of Samuel’s Christmas gifts they’d bought.

  “Hell to the no,” Martha said with a grunt of laughter. “We’re gonna sing at your wedding.”

  “Um… while that’s appallingly generous of you, I can’t let you do that,” I said, trying not to dry heave.

  “I knew she’d be excited,” Jane shrieked at a pitch that could attract stray dogs. “You don’t worry about a thing. We practiced for twenty-three minutes yesterday and it sounds awesome. You’re gonna shit your britches.”

  “That’s just… that’s just…” I couldn’t find anything to say. At all.

  “It’s just great! You’ll see,” Martha yelled as she grabbed her sister and hustled to the door. “We’ll be ready to go in a spiffy. Let’s go kick some Fairy ass!”

  With that they left. This day needed to end. I could take no more surprises. I either needed to get laid to reduce the stress or kill something. I supposed I’d have to settle for offing a bad guy. We still had a couple more days of abstinence before I could ride Ethan blind.

  Fine. I could do this. No problem.

  Yeah… right.

  Chapter 14

  “Am I supposed to thank you?” Mary asked with a sneer on her face and her fangs bared.

  She was one dangerous and insane cookie. I was sure I could take her, but it would come at a price as she was several hundred years older than me. From everything I’d heard, she was an aggressive and deadly fighter. Going a few rounds with her would probably be fun and relieve some of my stress, but I was certain she was not one to fight fair.

  I was having a difficult time figuring out why Ethan had chosen Harry-Mary to lead… maybe her crazy kept the Vamps in line. Or maybe it was time for her to be replaced.

  I stared at her hard. I’d restored her because it was the right thing to do. I had every plan of returning home after I kicked some major ass, but on the off chance it didn’t go as planned there were very few people that could reverse a spell cast by Mother Nature. Lucky for her, I was one of them.

  We stood face-to-face in her suite. She was beautiful again. I could fix the outer shell, but the insides were still rotten.

  “Most honorable people would, but I didn’t expect anything from you. And while I’m still feeling magnanimous, I’d highly suggest you leave.”

  “You’re kicking me out?” she demanded as her eyes burned green with hostility.

  “Nope, Scary-Harry, I’m saving your worthless life yet again. I’d say you have quite a few people gunning for you at this point. And when I say leave, I’m suggesting someplace far, far away.”

  “Why?”

  “Are you stupid?” I asked with an eye roll. “I just told you that your days are numbered here. Mother Nature is a formidable enemy, and when Satan catches wind you insulted his mother, your ass is grass. Not to mention your buddies seemed to enjoy watching you get taken down by my grandma. Does that answer your idiotic question, Larry?”

  “No.”

  “Oh my God, I didn’t think Mother Nature removed your frontal lobe, but now I’m not so sure.”

  “Why are you helping me? I haven’t exactly been accommodating,” Mary admitted grudgingly, but not backing down from her aggressive stance or tone.

  “That’s certainly an understatement,” I shot back, and then shrugged. “Honestly, I’m not sure. You’re a colossal bitch, you slept with my mate—granted he can’t remember it, so it couldn’t have been that good—and you’re rude. I suppose the answer is I’m a better person than you. The end.”

  I turned to leave. I was done with her. I was glad I changed her back, but if I never laid eyes on her again it would be too soon.

  “I’ve had it with you, bitch,” she screamed, and came at me like a freight train from Hell.

  And again I realized—albeit too late—that no good deed goes unpunished.

  The force of her body threw me across the room with such violence I dented the wall with my head. She never would have succeeded in attacking me unless she had come like a coward behind my back. However, I was to blame for that as I’d turned it on her. Unacceptable. I spun and faced her grinning form ear to ear.

  “Thank you, Larry,” I said with a wink and a smirk that made her growl.

  “For what?” she ground out as she rocked back and forth on her feet looking for another opening.

 
“For granting me permission to kick your sorry ass.”

  “Try it,” she challenged. “You might be surprised.”

  “And you might die,” I shot back coldly.

  For a brief second I saw a flicker of uncertainty in her eyes, but a moment was all I needed. Mary-Harry-Scary-Larry was more bark than bite. I—on the other hand—was not.

  Waiting patiently was something The Kev had taught me well. Mary’s anger would make her sloppy and easily defeated. What I didn’t count on was her gift.

  Fuck.

  One second she was there and the next she was gone. I quickly backed up against the wall so she couldn’t come at me from behind again. If there was a freakin’ manual about Vampyre gifts, I needed to find it and read it. I was able to see through cloaking. What Mary was doing was something different. While surprises from Prada were lovely, being caught off-guard by a jealous shrew who wanted me dead wasn’t welcome.

  “Interesting.” I closed my eyes to find my center.

  As my eyes were useless, I knew the only shot I had was feeling her essence. I left my body and let it float around the room. Damn this was a nice room—very Shabby Chic with muted peach florals and over stuffed comfortable furnishings. I wondered what the rest of the guest rooms in our massive house looked like. Maybe I would take a tour sometime… or maybe I should put my head back in the game of cat and mouse I was playing.

  Bingo.

  Mary’s fury made her ghostly presence a bloody red color with jagged black and purple swirls dancing through it. It was an incredible trick and would have worked on someone less powerful. But Mary was clearly too arrogant to take into account who she was dealing with.

  I smiled and heard the apparition snarl angrily. Reaching deep with in me, I pulled on the magic I liked to pretend I didn’t have. It was dark and it took a toll on me in ways I declined to think about, but I had a lot of shit to do this evening and being fucked with by Mary wasn’t one of them.

  With an angry curse through my clenched teeth, I doubled forward as my dark magic shot through my body like a white-hot dagger. There was always a price to pay for playing with fire and right now I was willing suffer the consequences. Sparkling pink and silver iridescent mist engulfed the room as a violent wind blew up and Mary’s spectral form was revealed.

  My body was covered in black glitter. From Mary’s shocked expression, I was fairly certain I looked like an Angel from the bowels of Hell with a wind machine in the background like they used for effect in the movies. However, this wasn’t a movie. It was very real and Mary was very done.

  “That was a neat trick, but I have things to do and places to be,” I explained calmly, as I raised my hands and violently threw her against the wall with a blast of magic. “Give me one good reason I shouldn’t end you now, Mary.”

  She fought and struggled to no avail against the viselike grip of my power. I watched as a myriad of expressions flitted over her face. She was trying to figure out if I was for real. I made a point of checking my nonexistent watch, and then waited. I might have zapped her a few times to speed the process, but hey, I had business to attend to and she was starting to bore me. Around the fourth sizzling blast of magic that sent her into a rather unattractive convulsion, she figured out that I wasn’t fucking around.

  “You didn’t do it,” she snarled.

  “Didn’t do what?” I questioned, as I approached her with my hands still raised in the air ready to put her out of everyone’s misery.

  “You didn’t open the portals,” she choked out.

  I stopped my forward motion and waited.

  “You weren’t there either.”

  “Well duh,” I hissed, advancing on her with another shot of warning magic. My fiery hot hands encircled her neck as her eyes grew large with fear. “There is no way you should know anything about that situation as you weren’t in the room when we spoke of it. I know for a fact that Trista, Spike and Francisco have been in the weapons room since the meeting. Ethan and The Kev won’t leave them alone for a second because we don’t trust them any more than we trust you. So unless you’d like to clue me in as to why you know what’s going on, I will do one better than Mother Nature and leave you a maimed, simpering fool. Would you like that, Mary?”

  The lovely suite was now filled with sparking black smoke due to my fury. I stared at my hands around her throat and I pressed hard. She would be so easy to eliminate, but that would not be my smartest move. Mary-Harry-Scary-Larry still needed to talk.

  Loosening my hold on her neck slightly, I got right in her face. “Talk now or forever hold your peace—in Hell.”

  “I was there,” she choked out, as she tried to pry my finger from her neck.

  That was not happening.

  “Not good enough,” I spat. “I could pop you like a bug, Harry. I’d hate to mess up my Gucci leather pants because I look really cute in them, but I will. Getting a little dirty in the name of removing some shit from the world doesn’t faze me a bit.”

  “My gift is dematerializing to mist,” she cried out hoarsely. “You know I’m not lying, you just experienced it. I’ve been following you. I know you haven’t left the compound. You couldn’t have been two places at once.”

  “That’s incredibly creepy… and pathetic,” I said as I let her go. At least I knew the name of her parlor trick now.

  She dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes and clutched at her singed neck. However, I wasn’t done with my new pal. Waving my hands again, I flung her up in the air where she hung like a helpless rag doll.

  “Have you been around my son?” I demanded in a voice so low, I unnerved myself.

  Her silence was my answer. She had to die.

  The Vampyre could have taken Samuel and I never would have known. Fuck with me any day of the week, but fuck with my child and there will be Hell to pay.

  “Mary, I’m going to make this very simple for you. I am a True Immortal—virtually unkillable. Samuel is as well, but you see… if you mess with my son, you mess with me. You’re actually screwing with all of mankind as Samuel is a very special immortal. Skulking around and spying on me is nothing compared to the fact that you felt someone as classless and worthless as yourself could secretly be in the presence of my child. I’m Compassion. I only kill in self-defense, or if someone is a danger to our existence. You fall into the category of real danger. Give me one outstanding reason I shouldn’t kill you in the next minute.”

  “I would never harm your child,” she insisted frantically. “I just wanted to be closer to Ethan. I thought if the child liked me…”

  “Get over that,” I hissed. “Ethan doesn’t recall sleeping with you. I’m his mate and Samuel is our child. Please note for your own health that I’m wildly possessive and extremely in love with my mate. Sadly for you, he feels the same way about me. So here’s how it’s going to go down, you have thirty seconds to plead your life. Because I will kill you, not because you have delusions of grandeur about Ethan—that’s simply tragic, but because you dared to endanger my baby.”

  “I don’t want to sleep with Ethan,” she insisted wildly.

  “Um… try again.”

  “Fine, I do. But I realize now that it will never happen. If I can’t have him, I want his respect.”

  “You have a fucked up way of going about that,” I snapped. “Do you want to live?”

  “Yes.”

  “Fine. You have something that I want. You give it to me—you live. You don’t—you die. Very easy and straight forward. Can you work with that, Barry?”

  She nodded and tried as hard as she could to look contrite, but it just wasn’t in her. Whatever. Her character wasn’t my problem. Getting information out of her was.

  “If I wasn’t at the portals. Who was?”

  “I don’t know,” she replied rudely with a shrug. “I was here.”

  “Were you?” I asked, as I cocked my head to the side and narrowed my eyes. “The other explanation if you’re so sure it wasn’t me is that it wa
s you there at the portals. You certainly have a motive.”

  “That’s not my gift,” she hissed.

  “Not following.”

  “Morphing is not my gift, you stupid baby Vampyre,” she snapped. “Figure it out. You were seen at the openings.”

  Morphing? What the Hell was she talking about? The only Vampyre that could morph was Raquel’s half brother, Jean Paul. A whole buttload of Vamps might not like me, but Jean Paul didn’t fall into that category. I would bet my undead life on that one. This was total bullshit and a waste of my time.