Guilt Ridden

by Marie Johnston

  She swallowed hard and spun around to load more limbs, only to find them all done.

  So it was either stare at Travis more or eat. When the saw went quiet, she called to him. “Hungry?”

  “Sure, let me wrap this up.”

  Wow. That whole tree was gone. A part of her childhood cleaned out. Like her dad. One night he was there, the next morning he wasn’t. And neither had anyone else been around. Sure, Travis had been a kid then, but his parents hadn’t. One more reason why she shouldn’t hope for more with the man. His family was probably worse than Ben’s, thinking she could do no right and trying to run her life.

  None of that. Ever again.

  Just get through the horse ride for Kambria, feed her weekend lumberjack one more meal, and then she was done with him. She had to be.

  ***

  Kami held back on her loaner horse while Travis, astride Reba, kept close to her daughter. They ambled through newly hayed pastures. Rolling hills and fence-line stretched before them. A soft breeze carried the scent of the wildflowers that lined the ditches. Travis said they’d stick to the pastures so if Kambria fell, there wasn’t a road or fence so close.

  “Mandrell’s the horse we use to break everyone in,” Travis said to Kambria. “Crystal Gale has a little more spirit. That’s why your mom got her to ride.” He grinned over his shoulder and winked at her.

  “This is sooo sweet.” Kambria giggled.

  Well, there went Kambria under Travis’s spell. He hadn’t had any trouble charming her daughter. But none of it seemed to be an act. He seemed to genuinely enjoy her company and her incessant chatter. His laughter at all the questions were full of good humor, and all this after hours of wrenching work.

  Remaining emotionally distant when she could finally relax and let the smell of horse sweat and fresh air seep into her bones… The days of jumping on a horse and cruising to the nearest pond were long gone. God, she’d missed that. How had she not remembered how much it’d been a part of her life?

  Because there’d been no other choice. Couldn’t afford cattle. Needed money instead of horses. There was a baby to raise, bills to pay, in-laws to keep from breathing down her neck.

  This life… Hard work rewarded by nature. She could get used to this again. Wanted it for her daughter. Wanted to find love again.

  Kami looked around. Where had that thought come from?

  Now that it was out, she couldn’t take it back. Yes, she wanted to spend her life with someone. A man who was as good to her daughter as Travis. Only not Travis.

  Could it be Travis?

  The murmurs about her and Travis had been too…self-affirming. What was he doing with her? Didn’t he know he was too good for her? Think she’s only into him to get help with her homework? What do you think they even talk about? You know he’s not with her for her brains.

  Just because more than eleven years had passed didn’t mean anyone’s opinions had changed. If anything, they’d gotten worse as the golden boy riding next to Kambria, patiently teaching her horsemanship, had only endeared himself more to the community.

  Her mom said he had his Ph.D. in… Geez, she couldn’t even remember. Agriculture something. If she couldn’t even say it, what the hell would they talk about?

  Kami slouched in her saddle. The problem was that she didn’t want to just talk with him, not after a day of watching his body move.

  They meandered the perimeter and made their way back. Kami stretched her back and adjusted her position. Crystal Gale nickered. She patted the horse’s neck. She was younger than Mandrell, but Kami doubted she’d spook easily.

  She closed her eyes and let her body sway with each step, soaked in what she was fighting for by buying her family’s land.

  Her eyelids floated open, her gaze landing on Travis. He cocked a brow as if to ask if she was okay. She gave him a small smile.

  For a few seconds, everything was more than okay. Her girl got to experience a tiny bit of the life Kami wanted for her.

  “Mom, can we do this next weekend? Oh, wait. I’m with Grandma and Grandpa.”

  There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, but her world darkened a few shades, like it always did when Ben’s parents were mentioned. The tug-of-war between them about what was right and wrong for Kambria wore her down.

  “Just give me a call whenever you two want to go.” Concern flickered in Travis’s gaze. Damn, had he seen her reaction to her in-laws?

  “Sounds good,” she answered with as noncommittal of a tone as possible.

  If he noticed, he didn’t show it. His grin was back in place. “What’s for supper?”

  “Brussels sprouts.” His grin fell, and she chuckled. “Just kidding. I planned something quick and easy, but filling. It’s Kambria’s favorite actually.”

  “Tater tot hotdish.” Kambria pumped her fist in the air.

  Kami grimaced; a sense of shame bloomed. The Walkers ranched, and each and every freezer they owned was probably filled with the best cuts of beef in the world. All she could offer was ground beef covered in canned cream of mushroom soup and mixed veggies. Planning it after the first day’s exhaustion of tearing apart the tree had happened because it was easy. She should’ve ran to the store and gotten something…better.

  “Well, if it has Kambria’s approval, it must be good. I just have one question. Does it also have cheese?”

  Relief poured through her so fast, her mouth stretched wide in a grin. “Is there any other way to make it?”

  He put his hand over his heart. “Thank God. Michelle was—” He cleared his throat and looked away. “She was lactose intolerant and I missed my cheese.”

  She should tell him that would happen, that his lost love would pop into conversations like she wasn’t gone and it’d feel awkward because of the worry that the other person felt awkward.

  “Mom puts in lots of cheese, Travis. Don’t worry.” The awkward moment almost passed when Kambria asked, “Who’s Michelle?”

  Kami waited for the answer. How often did he get that question in a town where everyone knew who she’d been?

  He stared straight ahead. “She was a very good friend of mine. She died from an aneurysm the March before last.”

  “Oh. My dad died suddenly, too. Car accident.”

  His shoulders tightened. “I’m sorry. That, uh, that sucks.”

  “Yeah, it does.”

  They rode quietly together, their horses in sync.

  “I really like Mandrell,” Kambria announced. The awkwardness drained away and they were chatting about horses again.

  But they reached his barn and that meant that she and Kambria would head home and throw in dinner. Travis Walker was coming over.

  ***

  Travis rinsed the last dish. He hadn’t meant to polish off the remainder of the casserole, but it had been hot and filling and cheesy. He almost groaned again. Kami played it off like it was no big deal, but she didn’t make an open and dump casserole. She seasoned and added things that made it as irresistible as her.

  During his time with her this weekend, he’d gotten glimpses into the adult Kami.

  How envious he’d been of Ben Preston. Travis had fantasized for years about being the one she ran off to marry. Would she have gone to college with him? Would he have gone to college?

  Logically, he knew it wasn’t meant to be. He wouldn’t have been able to support her any better than her husband had, and it seemed like he’d done a fine job. Rather that Kami had flourished no matter what—at least until he died.

  Travis witnessed her expression when Kambria mentioned her grandparents. Was there trouble between them? Resentment? Did Kami get lonely when her girl was gone?

  What look did he get when someone asked him about Michelle’s parents? Guilt? Did it look like he carried the weight of their farm on his shoulders? They’d been afraid of losing him and to help himself move on from what his intentions had been when she’d passed, he’d ensured that they didn’t feel like he’d traipsed out of their life.
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br />   After the funeral, his cousins had taken over some of his normal duties while he’d helped Phil plant. Then harvest last year, he’d harvested from sunup to sundown for three months straight. The only time he’d quit was traveling between home and their farm outside of Fargo. During the winter, he’d moved snow off Michelle’s headstone and repaired any equipment Phil had neglected. Running the farm had fallen far from Phil’s priorities since Michelle had passed.

  “You didn’t have to stay to do dishes.” Kami reached around him for a towel. Her breasts brushed his back. A light touch he possessed too much awareness for. Blood pooled in an unfortunate area.

  How had he kept his erection at bay all day? If he hadn’t been so tired last night, he would’ve had to take care of business himself. He hadn’t had to do that for years, and not just because he’d been in a relationship.

  Kami stuffed the last dish into the dishwasher. “Be right back.”

  She disappeared around the corner. Kambria had flounced to her room after the meal and they hadn’t heard from her since. Travis hadn’t had to say anything all through the meal. The girl had gone on and on about her riding experience. She only stopped talking horses to fill in all of her mom’s gymnastics resume for him—as if he hadn’t been an avid follower when he was younger.

  He shoved his hands into his pockets.

  The kitchen was a small box, with an equal size dining room. Her bedrooms were probably just as small. The living room was slightly larger. The whole flat could fit into his kitchen/dining room area.

  She appeared with a bemused expression. “She’s passed out on her bed. On top of the comforter and everything. It’s like sleep took her by surprise and knocked her out.”

  He chuckled and leaned against the counter. “I’m sure you’ve been told, but she’s a good kid.”

  Kami smiled, her expression almost shy. “How are Brigit and Justin?”

  He only had one word for his younger brother and sister. “Vexing.”

  “How so?”

  “Justin went to school for international marketing and he lives in Denver but travels the world. He doesn’t call, doesn’t give us any details. Mom likes to brag, and I swear she’s going to put a tracker in his phone one day. Brigit was applying to med school and Mom’s certain she’ll get in. I think she’s even lined up a job in Phoenix for her. She’s probably lined up a job in Phoenix for Justin and that’s why she’s so pissed.”

  “All three of you, done with college?”

  He ducked his head. “Pretty much. Brigit graduated in May, but she refused a party. Like I said, Mom likes to brag and that didn’t go over well. But they’re all coming back for Dillon’s wedding in July.”

  “Sounds like you all give them enough to brag about.”

  He pushed off the counter and stalked her. She took a step back. Then another. “You make it sound like a bad thing.” Coming to a stop closer than he anticipated, he didn’t move away. His hands twitched to brush her face. Was she as soft as he remembered?

  “It’s a good thing, but it just shows that even though we grew up next to each other we’re worlds apart.” Her head was angled to look up at him, the look in her eyes dejected.

  “I’m just a man, Kami.”

  Her gaze dipped to his chest, then back to his eyes. “You’re never just anything. None of you are.”

  He had no clue what she meant, but those lips of her beckoned him. He dipped his head. Her mouth opened in a hushed gasp. Softly, he touched his lips to hers.

  Plush, hesitant. Just like their first and only night together. He wouldn’t have guessed she’d be timid then. The young Kami blew through life like a force and took what she wanted. She’d been a cheerleader, a barrel racer, and her in a gymnastics leotard had tormented all his teenage hormones.

  But now she was a woman, and he’d meant what he said. He was a man. A simple farmer.

  Increasing pressure, he rested his hands on her waist. One of her hands snaked around his neck, the other gripped his shoulder.

  He could spend the rest of the night just like this and be content.

  He swept his tongue out. Would she let him in?

  When she opened for him, it was like an early Christmas present. She was as savory as the dish she’d made. Hugging her closer, he deepened their kiss. Everything around him faded, all he had to concentrate on was them and he was going to make it count. Kami English—Preston—was back in his arms. Could he keep her this time?

  His mind whirled. What would he do next?

  An idea took shape until he almost grinned. Twirling with her tongue and tilting his head, he flattened his hands along her sides. They were going no further tonight.

  He’d been aware of her reputation when they were younger, but he hadn’t cared, just wanted to be the man she ended with. He didn’t like to repeat what hadn’t worked before and jumping into the backseat with her at his first chance had somehow driven her away.

  So he was going to take his time. And if he wasn’t going to take it further than this kiss, then he was going cherish it for as long as possible.

  She skimmed both of her hands to the front of his chest, then glided them under his arms and around his back. Her breasts were smashed between them. He wanted nothing more than to palm them, test their weight in his hand. But he craved her taste more.

  Take it slow.

  “Mom? Mom!”

  Kami ripped out of his arms and spun around, her hand to her mouth. Travis staggered back a step, but recovered and shit—he had an erection. Playing it as cool as he could, he went back to leaning against the counter, propping his body at an angle. He kept his expression as pleasant as possible, anything but the raging lust he’d been experiencing just seconds ago.

  “Kambria. You’re awake.”

  He couldn’t see Kami’s expression, but it had to look as guilty as her tone.

  Kambria gave him a hard look. “What are you still doing here?”

  Whoa. The bright, cheerful girl he’d been around all day was gone. In her place was a territorial daughter who didn’t like seeing her mom with another man.

  “Don’t be rude,” Kami admonished, hand on her hips. His hands had just been there. Was her shirt still warm from his touch?

  Nope. Not going there with the tiny militant glaring at him.

  “You’re right. I’ve overstayed my welcome, but it’s hard when your mom’s so nice to be around.” He lowered his voice and tried for a conspiratorial whisper. “Even when she makes me work all day.”

  Kambria harrumphed, but her mouth twitched. He’d take it. Leaving on a good note with Kambria was more important to him than he’d thought.

  He crossed to Kami and lightly set his hand on her shoulder. Her startled glance betrayed her surprise that he was so forward with her in front of Kambria. He hoped it was the correct gesture. While it was awkward to be caught by the girl, he didn’t want either of them to think what had happened was shameful.

  “I’ll call you later.” Maybe if he acted like this thing between them wasn’t done yet, Kami would believe it. He dropped a kiss into her hair. From the corner of his eye, he saw Kambria’s brow raise, but no hostility stained her face. “When you two can come out and ride again, give me a ring.”

  “I don’t…” Kami crossed her arms and turned out of his reach. “I don’t have your number.”

  “I’ll call you then. Maybe next weekend?” He was aware of Kambria’s avid gaze jumping between them.

  “I work extra shifts at the bar on the weekends I’m alone.”

  Kambria snorted. “Yet you find time for Austin.”

  Kami bristled and she shot Kambria a warning look. His stomach plummeted. He’d been naïve to assume that imbecile was out of the picture. What did she see in him?

  “You. Go to bed.” Kami jabbed her finger in the direction of the girl’s bedroom.

  Kambria stomped away. The one takeaway Travis got was that she disliked Austin. He wanted to fist-bump her.

  Kami spun ar
ound to him, her features tight, her face full of determination. “Good night, Travis.”

  Her abruptness disturbed him. Something was bothering her, and it wasn’t just getting busted by her daughter.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you and Austin were still…”

  “We’re not anything,” she snapped. Her features softened, tinged with regret. “He and I aren’t… Not after the other night. We tried when I got back, but the warden in there doesn’t like visitors.”

  “Maybe it’s the visitor.” Her gaze popped to his. He shrugged without remorse. “If no one’s told you, you can do better.”

  “I did do better, and look what happened.”

  All his ambition drained out. She wasn’t over her husband. Here he’d been devising a slow and steady way to romance her when she was still grieving. And of course, what would everyone else say? Did they all think he was supposed to be grieving? No one knew he’d fallen out of love with her—and that was what made this thing with Kami irresistible. It felt more powerful, deeper, more real to him than what he’d felt in a long time.

  The connection he had with Michelle was very academic. They bonded over classes, talked shop all the time. But she’d had no interest in the aspects of his life that made up his very being. Sure he had a brain, initials followed his name, but farming wasn’t just what he did, it was who he was. His hobby developing farming and ranching games, was just that—a hobby. Because he’d been home alone all night while Michelle had stayed in Fargo. When he had gone out, the night ended early because his cousins had found someone to spend the night with. As they started settling down with significant others, they’d gone out less and Travis had been alone more.

  The words to ask her out again were on the tip of his tongue, but he swallowed them down, saying instead, “I had a good weekend. I mean it when I say that if you need any help, call.”

  “Thanks, Travis.”

  Before he left, he grabbed his phone and found her number. He hit send. Her phone vibrated on the counter. She twisted to frown at it.