by E. N. Joy
“Now hold up, gal.” Here came Mr. Tucker with his larger-than-life self. “You ain’t gon’ just come up in here destroying property.”
“It’s just beer bottles, Dad,” Willie shrugged.
Mr. Tucker looked at the ground. “Oh, I guess you’re right, son.” He looked at Doreen. “Carry on, daughter.” And as he walked away he yelled, “Agnes, clean up!” Now if Doreen got to throwing chairs and turning over tables, it would be another story.
Doreen was getting angrier by the minute. She’d already been ready to blow her top once she’d pulled up in the parking lot. Her conversation with Agnes added gasoline to the fire. That had only made things worse. At first, every bottle Doreen threw to the ground represented every dollar that had been taken out of her drawer. Then the crashing of the bottles started to represent all the times Willie had probably slept with Agnes, how he had impregnated her, and then probably given her money for an abortion. All of Agnes’s words were embedded in her head. She could hear them playing over and over, and she just wanted the crashing sound of the bottles to drown them out.
When Doreen got to the last bottle she yelled out, “Where’s my money?” Next, she shocked herself with curse words she never thought she’d fix her lips to say.
There was dead silence at this point, and everyone was waiting on Willie to spill the answer.
“What money?” was all he said; then Doreen walked over to the table next to them and proceeded to pick up a bottle to start throwing. “Okay, okay, okay. I’m just messing around with you, girl. You want to know where your money is? Well, here it is.” Willie pulled out a huge wad of cash from his pocket and placed it in Doreen’s hand.
Doreen looked down at the knot of money. It was much thicker than the one that had been taken from her drawer. She had a puzzled look on her face.
“That’s all your money with interest,” Willie smiled. He then turned to one of the men at the table and ordered, “Come on, Rufus, get to dealing so I can get to taking the rest of y’all’s money.” He yelled over his shoulder toward the bar. “Another round of drinks at this table. And since these fellas barely got a pot to piss in, drinks are on me.”
Willie and his boys proceeded to playing cards as if Doreen wasn’t even standing there. She continued to look down at the huge wad of cash. At this point, she didn’t know what her next step should be. She’d anticipated going up to the joint and finding that Willie had gambled away all her money, like he’d done with his last paycheck, forcing them to miss paying a month’s mortgage and her dodging phone calls from bill collectors. It looked as though there wasn’t too much more of a fuss she could make. She’d gotten what she’d come there for.
Agnes showed up with a broom and dustpan and began cleaning up the mess Doreen had made. Doreen briefly locked eyes with Agnes, and then Agnes turned away. Doreen thought about speaking on Willie’s situation with Agnes; asking her husband if what Agnes had insinuated outside was true. But what good would any of that do? The deed was done. And in all honesty, that was one truth Doreen didn’t know if she could withstand.
Perhaps both her sister and Agnes were right. Maybe she wasn’t as strong and powerful in the Lord as she thought she was. Otherwise, why did she sit back and allow Willie to disrespect her and their marriage like that? She had no answers besides the ones she’d been feeding off of: the fact that she truly loved Willie, was afraid of the pain and stigma attached to divorce, and that she had to prove everyone wrong who said she and Willie wouldn’t make it.
She might have had her money back, but she had no other answers. So with nothing but a wad of money, with interest, Doreen headed back out the door. Dazed and confused with her mind still wrestling with unanswered questions, she missed that patch of black ice that landed her flat on her back. The last thing she saw was a twinkling star in the night sky. The last thing she said was, “God, help me.”
Chapter Sixteen
“So how many more weeks you just gon’ lay around in this bed?” Willie asked Doreen.
Doreen didn’t so much as shrug at Willie’s question as she lay in her bed staring off yonder.
With even less compassion in his tone than when he’d made the previous comment, Willie said, “You act like you’re the one that died.”
Through dry, cracked lips, Doreen spoke softy and slowly. “A part of me did die, Willie, and a part of you too. Now if you’re able to function normal through life as you were before I lost the baby, then good for you. But forgive me for having not as easy of a time getting back to normal.”
“I didn’t have no choice. If I stayed around this house all day instead of worked, we’d never eat because I wouldn’t be able to make no money.” Willie cleared his throat. “Speaking of work, I wanted to wait and tell you this when you got to feeling like your old self again, but it looks like that’s a long time coming.” Willie looked down, then continued. “Work is going to be carrying us away from here. West Virginia, I think—something like that. You know how the railroad business is.”
Doreen knew how it was. Her mother had warned her about that too. She’d told her that Willie’s job could pick up and send him anywhere across the map to work on railroads. Her being his wife and all, she’d have to go with him. About a month ago, Doreen probably would have felt sad about having to leave Kentucky, where all her family was and her church, but nothing could make her any sadder than she already was. Hearing they’d have to pick up and move to West Virginia was nothing compared to hearing that her unborn baby would never be born. Her fall outside the juke joint last month had been fatal for the baby.
It was no secret that Doreen blamed herself. Had she not been out that night cutting a fool over Willie’s behind she never would have been out there on that ice to fall in the first place. Inside she was so angry, not just at herself, but at everybody. She was angry at Willie, blaming his shenanigans for driving her to be out in that nasty weather. She blamed his parents for not doing something about all that snow and ice that was building up outside their establishment. She had a mind to sue them, but she knew that would only drive even more of a wedge between her and Willie.
In spite of Willie’s actions, Doreen loved the mess out of that man. Love was what was keeping her from leaving him every time he gambled their money away, came home with dings in the car from driving drunk, every time he lied to her in her face like she was plum dumb, and every time he had another woman upon his knee. Oh, it was true love all right. Even if love hadn’t a thing to do with it, Doreen still probably would have never left Willie. She knew the history of the Hamilton women. None of them, not a nary one of them, had ever gotten a divorce—no matter what their maiden name ultimately got changed to. Doreen came from a long line of first ladies, deaconess, and women who just loved the Lord and His ways. They knew how to pray their way through circumstances and situations. Yea, just like Doreen had done a time or two, a few of the Hamilton women had packed up and went to stay with their parents for a spell, but they always went back to their husbands.
Sarina had already accused Doreen of cursing the women that would come after her by letting Willie walk all over her. She wasn’t about to cast another one upon them by walking away from her husband. Funny thing was, she couldn’t figure out the worst of the two evils.
“Okay,” Doreen said to Willie. “I’ll get to packing just as soon as the good Lord gives me strength. I’ve been praying for strength. Prayer works, so I should get that strength any day now.”
“Well, I hope God answers your prayer soon, because we head out in two weeks.”
“That’s fine. Maybe it’s best we get out of Kentucky anyway—start fresh somewhere else. Leave all these memories behind.” Her eyes began to tear up. This surprised Doreen, because honestly, she thought she was all cried out.
Willie thought she had been too. “Oh, God, are you gon’ start that crying stuff again?” Willie, who had been sitting on the bed next to Doreen stood up in a huff. “I understand what could have been, that we could
have been the parents of a nice, bouncing baby girl or boy. And we still can. You heard the doctor. He said your female parts work just fine to produce us another baby . . .” Willie looked off proudly. “. . . that son I’ve always wanted to carry on the family name.” He then looked at Doreen. “But what you lost wasn’t even a real baby yet. It was just this little jellyfish-like thing. I could see you acting like this over a real live baby, but—”
“Stop it! Stop it right now, William Tucker.” Doreen shot up in the bed, as the burning heat through her body evaporated all the tears. “I don’t care what it looked like—that was a baby. Once it’s conceived, it’s real. It’s a person, not some thing—or as you put it—a jellyfish. You should repent right now,” Doreen demanded as tears streamed down her face once again.
Willie could see how shaken up Doreen was. He didn’t realize how insensitive he was being until that moment. He hadn’t meant to be. Sure, he’d wanted his wife to bear a baby to carry on his name, but in his mind, Doreen had been only a little bit pregnant. It confused him to see her acting so depressed over a baby that had never made it outside her womb—that she’d never bonded and made a connection with. For the life of him, he just couldn’t understand it. He silently wondered if other people felt the same way as he did. All that mattered now, though, was that his wife didn’t feel that way.
“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean it like that.” Willie was truly apologetic.
Doreen sniffled, and then let her body fall flat in the bed again.
“And don’t you even worry about packing. I’ll do it all. I’ll get some of the fellas and they wives to come help. You’re right; I think my job moving us away from here is a blessing in disguise. We do need a fresh start. We can pretend like we newlyweds all over again—like we just got married and picking up to start our new life together somewhere else. Don’t that sound good?” Doreen didn’t reply. She was still trying to cool off from Willie’s previous comment about the baby. “No one will know us, and we won’t know nobody. Only God. And speaking of God, heck, I just might get to West Virginia, find me a church I like, and get baptized or something.”
“Really, Willie?” Doreen shot up in the bed once again with the most excitement she’d felt in a long time.
“Well, yeah, you know, like I said, if I find me a church I like.” He shrugged. “Anything is possible.” He slowly sat down on the bed with his back toward Doreen. Good thing his back was to her too. That way she wasn’t able to see the look of regret on his face.
“Oh, Willie!” Doreen threw her arms around Willie. “You’ve just made me the happiest woman in Kentucky right now. Soon to be the happiest woman in West Virginia.” Doreen couldn’t describe the emotions that were going through her right now, but she made an attempt to verbalize them to her husband. “If losing that baby meant you getting born in Christ, then maybe it ain’t so bad.” She held Willie in her arms as she continued. “God has a mysterious way of bringing His children to Him so that they may have eternal life. Maybe He used the death of our baby as one of His ways.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Willie agreed.
Doreen moved her body so that it was now sitting next to Willie. “I’ll get to packing. You don’t need to call over none of your friends. I’ll do it all. And I don’t need the help of none of their wives either.” Doreen grabbed Willie by the cheeks and looked him in the eyes. “I don’t ever want another woman doing what I can do myself. You hear me, Willie?”
Oh, Willie heard her all right—loud and clear.
Doreen hopped out of the bed. “Go on out to the supermarket and get us some boxes that they’ve thrown out by the Dumpster. While you do that, I’ma cook you up a nice breakfast. Okay?”
“Sure,” Willie replied. He stood and went to do as Doreen had suggested.
“Willie, guess what?” Doreen smiled as Willie stopped, turned, and looked at her with questioning eyes, urging her to speak.
“God answered my prayers just that quick.” She snapped her fingers. “I got my strength back.” She held back tears. “And I got my man back. All of him. Right, Willie?”
Willie nodded, and then walked away. Doreen watched the back of him until he was no longer in sight. Once again, good thing Willie’s back was to her too. That way, she couldn’t see the look of regret on his face. He was regretting that he wasn’t able to tell his wife the real reason that was taking him to West Virginia.
Chapter Seventeen
The first three months in West Virginia weren’t bad at all for Doreen. She and Willie had gotten along swell. Well, actually, she and Willie had always gotten along. Them getting along never was a problem in their marriage. It was her trying to get along with all his wicked ways that had caused her stress. But never once had Doreen really displayed just how stressed out the things Willie did had made her. Just when hate would try to rise up in her, she’d suppress it with the love of the Lord. Love covers a multitude indeed. But for how long was the question.
“The blue tie or the black one?” Willie held up a tie in each hand and waited for his wife to make the decision for him as to which one to wear.
“Now, Willie, we’ve been over this a thousand times already, and I keep telling you the blue one,” Doreen replied. “How many more times are you going to ask me? ’Cause I’m telling you now, my answer ain’t gon’ change none. But if it pleases you, wear the black one then.” Doreen gave Willie the once-over. “After all, anything would look good on you, baby.” Doreen blushed. Talking that way to Willie always made her a little coy. She wasn’t used to expressing herself like that. In her head, though, she’d always tell herself how lucky she was to have a man as fine as Willie.
Willie was sharp, so she didn’t blame all those other gals for trying to get a piece of him. She blamed Willie for cuttin’ ’em off a slice. But that was neither here nor there. It had been three months, and all Willie had been doing was working all week and going to church with Doreen on Sunday. As a matter of fact, that’s where the two were headed now.
On the way to their new place in West Virginia, they’d driven past a couple of churches, but West Va. Jesus Is Lord Church of Christ was the one Doreen settled on. Willie had suggested a thousand times that they at least give the other churches a try and visit around. But from the moment Doreen saw it, she knew it was home. Something about that church had just spoken to her. It was as if the Lord Himself had led her there.
“You don’t just go attending the first church you see,” Willie had tried to reason with her. “How will you ever know if the others aren’t better if you don’t try’em out?”
“Willie, now you know I ain’t never church hopped my entire life, and there ain’t no reason to start now,” Doreen had countered. “Besides, it was like I was drawn to West Va. Jesus is Lord Church of Christ. For some reason, I’m just supposed to be there.” Although Willie wasn’t convinced and still tried to talk Doreen into visiting other churches, her mind was set on making it her home church.
Even from just the outside of the church Doreen could feel the pull—the anointing on the building as they drove by it. Her eyes even watered. It was like the Lord was in there waiting on her, and she felt overwhelmed about getting to Him. It pleased her soul to have that feeling every Sunday. She always had a level of expectation when it came to church. Doreen had never been one to attend church out of routine or habit, because she was raised in the church or because it was what was expected of a preacher’s daughter. Sunday morning services were like a date with the Lord that she prepared for all week long. The fact that deep down inside Willie seemed to actually like this church too made it all the better.
“Do you mean that?” Willie asked Doreen. “I would look good in anything?”
Doreen blushed as she finished making up the bed. “Of course,” she blushed again. “Am I one to lie?”
“Oooooh, woman, don’t you start nothing you ain’t willing to finish,” Willie grinned.
Doreen looked down at her watch on her wrist, and then b
ack up at Willie. “Who says I ain’t got time to finish?”
And on that note, a few minutes later, Doreen would find herself having to make the bed up all over again. Willie had made her feel so good with his attentive lovemaking that she wore a smile all the way to church. Willie was good; oooooh, Willie was indeed good when he was good. But when Willie was bad, oooooh, Willie was bad.
Doreen and Willie had arrived at church just as the praise and worship team took the stage. They’d missed opening prayer and the reading of the scripture, but praise and worship was Willie’s favorite part anyway. Doreen would sometimes just stand there and admire how into the songs Willie would be. He’d be staring up at praise and worship like he was looking at Jesus Himself. Then she’d have to catch herself and remember that her eyes were supposed to be on Jesus. So she’d close her eyes, allow the words of the songs being sung to penetrate her heart and go into her own personal praise and worship with the Lord.
“Praise and worship was something else today, wasn’t it?” Willie said as he and Doreen drove home.
“That church is something else, period. I love it!” Doreen exclaimed. “And you know, I’ve been thinking,” she turned her body toward Willie, “maybe it’s time we join the church. I’m just itching to join the praise and worship team, but you know you have to be a member to join any of the ministries.”
“Praise and worship?” Willie swallowed hard. “I don’t mind you joining the church, but I don’t really think joining praise and worship is such a good idea. Theirs is different than the one at your mom and pop’s church,” Willie reasoned. “I mean, they good up at this church—really good.”
Doreen took offense. “So what you trying to say? That praise and worship back home was bad? So what’s that say about me, your wife? You trying to say I can’t sing?”