by J. S. Cooper
“Has he contacted you to ask you…” He started to talk and then paused when he saw the look on my face.
“I don’t want to discuss Jake with you.” I shook my head and made a face at him. “What happened yesterday wasn’t cool and I really don’t want to pretend like it was.”
“Wow, are you mad at me?”
“A little bit.” I sighed. “But maybe I’m more mad at myself.”
“Why are you mad at yourself?”
“I shouldn’t have let you interrupt our date yesterday. That wasn’t fair to Jake.”
“Jake is a man. If he was really into you he wouldn’t have let me interrupt your date.” Henry grew defensive and I could feel myself starting to get angry.
“That’s not true and you know it. You’re his boss. What was he going to say? No, you can’t join us?”
“If he was really into you, then yes.”
“And risk getting fired?”
“So, you’re not as important as a job to him? You’re okay with that?”
“Stop twisting things, Henry.” I sighed. “You know that’s not true.”
“Would you rather be here with Jake then?”
“No, I wouldn’t rather be with Jake.” I sighed again. “That’s beside the point.”
“Then we should stop talking about him.”
“That’s exactly what I was trying to say.”
“You’re trying to do something to me, Lacey. Aren’t you?”
“What are you talking about?” I frowned at him. “What am I trying to do to you?”
“You’re trying to bewitch me.” He looked annoyed. “You’re trying to make me fall for you.”
“Why do you say that?” My heart stopped for a few brief seconds. Was the moment finally here? Was he about to confess his love for me? Was he about to tell me that he was in love with me? Was all of my heartache about to have been worth it?
“It’s just a feeling I have.” His eyes gazed into mine for what felt like an eternity and as I stared into his green irises, I tried to figure out what he was thinking.
“And?” I said finally as we just stared at each other. I could see his gaze falling to my lips and I licked them nervously. Was he going to kiss me? Did I want him to kiss me? I knew that I did. I wanted him to kiss me and to take me into his arms and devour me. I wanted him to make me feel like I was the only woman in the world for him. I wanted him to take me into his bed. I wanted to be close to him. I wanted him inside of me. I cringed in embarrassment at the thought. I was such a sad case. I just loved this man so badly.
“You don’t want to know what else I want to say and do to you, Lacey.” Henry frowned and turned away from me. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut; such was the loss I felt when his attention was away from me.
“Okay,” I said in defeat. I didn’t want to keep pushing this. I wanted to just enjoy spending time with him. And not focus on any deep feelings that he didn’t have. “So we’re going to a bookstore then?”
“Yes,” he said. “Do you know what books you want to buy?”
“No, I haven’t thought about it as yet,” I said, not really knowing if I’d be able to concentrate on reading anything while I was still under his spell. I hadn’t even been able to concentrate on writing my own book and that was already worrisome to me. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do if I wasn’t able to write for much longer. I couldn’t call myself a writer, that was for sure. I knew that Eliza wouldn’t want to put up with my whining much longer especially as I wasn’t even really bringing in an income.
“Ooh, I know I’m not a writer or most probably as well read as you are, but I have some books I’d love to recommend to you to buy.”
“Oh?” I looked at him curiously. Henry didn’t strike me as the sort of guy that would enjoy reading. “What books?”
“Don’t you want them to be a surprise when we get to the store?” He grinned and then I laughed at the expression on his face. It was so boyish and cute and I was glad that once again we were in a happy place.
“I think we’ve had enough surprises for the week. Or maybe even the whole time we’ve known each other.” I burst out laughing as I thought of all the craziness that had happened in the short time that we had known each other.
“Okay, fine.” He gave me another small look. “Though I’m not sure we’ve had that many surprises, have you?”
“You’d be surprised,” I said under my breath as I thought about Claudia. Obviously, I knew I couldn’t bring her up, though she was never far from my mind. Maybe I could casually ask if he was seeing other people, but I knew that there was no way that I could be casual about that.
“Would I now?” He gave me a curious look and I could tell that he was wondering what my undertones were about and there was no way that I wanted to talk about that.
“Quit trying to change the subject.” I punched him lightly on the arm. “Tell me about these books you want to recommend to me.”
“All right, all right. I get the hint.” He laughed again. “Well the first book is called Desert Solitaire and it’s by a guy called Edward Abbey.”
“Uhm, okay? Don’t tell me it’s about a man that travels in the Sahara by himself or something because that is so not my interest.”
“It’s not about a guy in the Sahara.” He laughed. “And trust me while it might not be a book you naturally gravitate toward, I can promise you that it is amazing. Almost life-changing.”
“Life-changing? Whoa!” I grinned. “Those are big words.”
“Almost as big as my…” He stopped talking and winked at me then and I laughed even as my face flushed.
“Henry.” I hit him on the arm lightly again. “You’re disgusting.”
“I know. You’ve told me about a billion times now.” He laughed as well. “Now you tell me one of your favorite books and perhaps I’ll buy it.”
“Hmm, okay,” I said. “Are you really going to read it?”
“Perhaps.”
“Perhaps?” I made a face at him. “That’s not quite fair, is it? If I read your boring book, you have to read mine.”
“Whoa! Are you calling my book boring?” He laughed. “I just told you that it would change your world.”
“I fairly doubt it.”
“Wanna bet?”
“Bet? Hmmm?” I pondered his question for a moment. What would we bet? Was I stepping into dangerous water by even playing this game with him? It seemed like every time, I played along with Henry, I ended up getting hurt. However, I considered the possibility of deciding the terms of the bet. Maybe I would word it in such a way that I could find out more information on Claudia, without having to reveal that I knew anything about her in the first place. It struck me in that moment that perhaps innocence was bliss and perhaps I didn’t really want to know any more about her. But I knew, deep inside that until I knew every single detail I was going to be in misery anyways. And that wasn’t going to go away. Even if I knew that what I would find out could cause to be a lot more painful.
“Yeah. But first tell me the name of your book?”
“My favorite book is called The History of Love. It’s by Nicole Krauss.” I stopped as I observed the look on his face. “What?”
“Yeah, I don’t think that sounds like a book I’m going to want to read.” He laughed at the expression on my face. “But let’s make a deal.”
“What deal?”
“You read mine and I’ll read yours.”
“Sorta like an I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine?”
“Or an I’ll do you if you do me.”
“Henry!” I rolled my eyes at him. “Really?”
“I promise I’ll do you first.” He waggled his tongue at me and I groaned.
“I’m not even going to respond to that.”
“I think you just did.” He laughed and I couldn’t stop myself from joining in.
***
We walked out of the most quaint picturesque bookstore I’d ever been in abou
t three hours later with two bags full of books that Henry had insisted on purchasing for the both of us. The bags included both Desert Solitaire and The History of Love. I’d read the back of the book he’d recommended and it still looked a little boring to me, but I was curious to see what the book was like, seeing as he loved it so much. I wanted to know what made Henry tick, even if he wasn’t going to be the one I ended up with and was most probably the one I should be running away from very quickly.
“So lunch?” Henry grabbed my hand as we walked along the street and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world in that moment. I didn’t want the day to end. I didn’t want to have to go home and face the reality of the situation. Maybe, just maybe I could pretend that we were a normal couple and that this was how it was always going to be. Even if just for the day.
“Let’s do it,” I said, pure happiness in my voice, apparent for all to see.
“Great. I was planning on taking you back to my place and cooking one of my Henry special meals.”
“Oh yeah? How special is it?”
“It’s very special. Very very special.”
“Ooh, well count me very very excited.”
“I hope you’re excited in more ways than one.” He squeezed my hand and I felt a thrill all the way to my stomach.
“I just might be.”
“Oh yeah.” He gave me a look of surprise. I was pretty sure he’d expected me to call him a pig again or something, but I figured why play games. I wanted him and I wanted him badly. I didn’t care about anything else at that point. I just wanted him to be with me today and I could worry about everything else later. Tonight I was going to enjoy all the pleasures he could provide me and provide him with every reason to not forget my name and the things I could do to him.
***
“When was the last time you had a homemade killer lasagna?” Henry asked me as he started chopping up onions and dancing around the kitchen.
“Hmm, I’m not sure.” I giggled. “But I’m still alive, so I’m going to say never.”
“You’re still alive?” He looked at me with a confused expression and then he smiled. “Ah, killer lasagna. Haha.”
“You’re not trying to kill me, are you?”
“No, no, no. In fact I’m trying to make you feel very alive.”
“Oh yeah?” I looked at him. “How do you propose to make me feel very alive?” I sidled up next to him. “This I want to know.”
“Aw, do you really want to know?” He gave me a lascivious stare and I could feel myself growing excited.
“Of course I want to know.” I bat my eyelashes at him and then slowly winked my left eye.
“How badly do you want to know?”
“I want to know very very badly.”
“You’re a bad girl, aren’t you, Lacey.”
“I’m as bad as you want me to be.” I purred after that statement and I could tell from the look on his face that he had not expected me to be so forward. Even I was shocked at the words that were coming out of my mouth. They were so uncharacteristic for me and I was surprised that I was even able to get them out. I wasn’t shocked that I thought them. I often thought really crazy things, but I’d never been able to express any of them verbally before.
“What if I tell you that I want you to be a really bad girl, Lacey?”
“Are you telling me that?”
“What would your response be if I told you that?”
“What would your response be if I told you that I wanted you to be a very bad boy?” I turned the question around on him and he grinned.
“My response would be that we should leave the kitchen and have this conversation somewhere else.” He looked into my eyes with such a sexy look that I felt my heart stop for a second.
“Then, Henry, I want you to be a really bad boy.”
“Then, Lacey, let us head to the bedroom.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward him and we headed toward his bedroom. “Let’s get it on,” he said in a singsong voice and I laughed. I laughed in happiness and excitement. I was ready to see Henry be a bad boy. As we walked into his bedroom I watched as he pulled his shirt off and then his trousers and then he turned toward me. “Come here, baby,” he said and as he gave me his sexy smile, a part of me wondered if this was what he did with all the girls? Was this his signature move? What had he been doing during the time he hadn’t called me? I could feel my body freezing as I stared at him. I wanted to be with him. I wanted him so badly, but knowing that this really meant nothing to him. That I meant nothing to him was almost too much. I could feel a pain rising through my stomach and racing to my heart. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t sleep with him again. Not knowing that I loved him and he didn’t love me. And that I wasn’t special in any way.
“Lacey?” He frowned as he stared at me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” I smiled at him widely, trying to hide my hurt. He was going to think I was crazy. He’d already told me the rules when we’d first met. I couldn’t go back on my word now. And I definitely couldn’t let him know how deep my feelings for him were.
“Are you sure?” He had a worried concerned look on his face as he walked over to me. “Come here.” He pulled me into his arms and looked down into my eyes. “I missed you.”
“You what?” I looked up at him, not believing the words I was hearing coming from his mouth.
“I’ve missed seeing you.” He touched the side of my face. “The way you smile and look into my eyes. And the way you play with your hair when you’re nervous or angry.”
“I, uh…” My voice trailed off. “I missed you as well.” My heart thudded at his words. I didn’t know what they meant, but I knew that this was something. Something real. Something to show me that he actually had some feelings for me.
“I’m sorry that we argued. And I’m sorry that I might have been an asshole to you.” He sighed. “This isn’t all about sex to me. You mean something to me, Lacey.”
“You mean something to me as well,” I said slowly.
“I know this is a weird situation to be in, but I like you, Lacey. I don’t do relationships, but if I did, you would be the sort of woman I would want to be with.”
“Why don’t you do relationships?” I asked him softly, wanting to know why. I was scared that I would turn him off and make him back away from me. I knew that most guys didn’t like to talk about their personal lives.
“I’m just not a relationship guy.” He sighed. “I don’t know that you really want to hear the reasons.”
“I do,” I said. “I want to know.”
“I don’t believe in monogamy,” he said and he stared at me carefully as he spoke. “I think that inevitably relationships fall apart and one person cheats and the devastation that comes from that can be really hard. Almost too hard for the injured party to take.”
“Oh, so you like to cheat?”
“I’m not saying I like to cheat.” He shook his head. “No. I do like women. I do like sex. I do like the chase.” He paused. “I hope you don’t hate me. I’m just being honest here.”
“So you don’t want to be tied down to one woman?”
“That’s not it…” He paused. “I just don’t believe in one true love and I don’t think that human beings can mate for life.”
“So you don’t believe in marriage? Or are you saying you prefer polygamy or something like that?” I just didn’t know what to say. I was glad he was being honest with me, but he was still kinda breaking my heart.
“I don’t believe that married people ever remain happy.” He spoke carefully. “I feel like that sort of commitment is admirable to make, but unrealistic.”
“Unrealistic?”
“I don’t think that most human beings can keep the vows they make.” He sighed. “Love is a funny thing. I think that love can bring out the best and worst in people.”
“I see.”
“I can tell that you don’t, but I want you to know that I don’t say any of these commen
ts lightly. Sometimes love can be complicated, complex, and sometimes people find themselves in bad places.”
“What sort of bad places?”
“I don’t really want to get into it, but heartache can lead people to doing things they regret.” He looked away then and I could see a faraway look in his eyes.
“What sort of things?”
“Things that you’d never want to be responsible for them doing.” He looked back at me then, a pained look in his eyes. “I do believe that we have a responsibility to people that we develop relationships with. I do believe that you shouldn’t play with people’s hearts.”
“I see.” I nodded and gave him a small smile, but what I really wanted to say was what about my heart? What about me? You made me fall for you and you don’t even care. “So you tell people not to fall in love with you?”
“I like to be upfront with women. I’m not looking for love. I’m not looking for a relationship. I would never want to get into anything with anyone with them thinking that I could provide them with something that emotionally I’m not able to do.”
“So you don’t believe in love?”
“I don’t know.” He sighed as he looked at me. “I used to. I used to think I was in love. A long time ago. She broke my heart. I would have traveled the world for her. I did travel the world for her. I did everything I could for her. For that relationship. She meant everything to me.”
“And what happened?” My breath caught. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to cry. He’d loved someone else. In a way he would never love me. The jealousy I felt in that moment was greater than any jealousy I’d ever felt in my life before. I didn’t even really want to know the answer. I didn’t want to hear anything else about his love life or thoughts on romance.
“She broke my heart.” His voice cracked and he looked like he had tears in his eyes. I swallowed hard as I started at him. I couldn’t take this. I didn’t want to think about his heart being broken. I didn’t want to think about the fact that it was due to another woman that he would never love me. What did she have that I didn’t have? Why could he love her and not me.