by K. A. Linde
A small part of her wished that he had lied to her. That would have made things easier, but she knew that she wasn’t thinking rationally. Honestly, she should have known this was going to happen. She should have seen it a mile off that she wasn’t anything different to him. She would never be anything different to him. But she hadn’t seen that. She had blinded herself to his easy charm and comforting ways. She had been suckered in and left hanging out to dry all over again. Except this time it was worse, because this wasn’t happening to some poor sap that happened across his path. No. This happened to Lexi, and she knew better. She had been there when every other girl had been defeated.
Instincts sent sparks throughout her body pleading with her to stay away or else, but she didn’t listen. How could she listen? This was Jack. He was all she had ever wanted. He had always been the thing that she had wanted.
“I shouldn’t have thought you would change,” she grumbled pushing her hair behind her ears angrily. “I should have known you wouldn’t respect me anymore than the rest.”
“Come on, Lex. It isn’t like that. You know you aren’t like anyone else,” he pleaded.
“What do you even mean by that? Did you think you could just che…” she caught herself before finishing the words, not wanting to instigate another round of we’re-not-even-together conversation, “sleep with someone else, and I would be okay with it? Is that how you thought I was different?”
“Well…” he ran his hands back through his long shaggy hair, his blue eyes lighting up with the energy in the conversation. “I didn’t know you’d freak out like this. After what happened with us, I don’t know…” he said trailing off.
“See, I knew what we were. I knew that we had cheated on other people with each other, but I guess I never thought I’d be on the other end of this…this hurt. I ignorantly thought now that we’re something, that wouldn’t come between us. We’re meant for each other, Jack, and you just went and ugh,” she shrieked angrier than before at his apparent ignorance of the gravity of the situation.
“I’m sorry, Lex, but I don’t see why you’d freak out about this after everything.”
“And there in lies the problem,” she mumbled slumping down to the floor. “I thought you only cheated on other people, because it was me. After all, I never cheated with anyone else other than you. But it wasn’t me all along, was it, Jack? There were probably others, and the connection I thought I was feeling was all a lie.”
“What?” he asked shocked. “No, that’s not the case at all. I didn’t lie to you.”
“So you didn’t sleep with anyone else while you were with Danielle or Kate?” she accused.
“You mean besides Danielle and Kate?” he asked pointedly.
Lexi choked on those words. “You slept with Kate?”
He looked down sheepishly. “Uh…yeah. Did I not mention that?”
Lexi shook her head trying to wrap her mind around that. The virgin had given up her virginity to the man who had cheated on her on numerous occasions. And for what reason? To be left behind. Lexi couldn’t process the information. She just couldn’t deal with it right now…not with everything else. “Yes, besides them.”
“No, it was only you, Lex. I meant everything I said to you. I just,” he sighed heavily, “fucked up. I fucked up, Lex. How many times do you want me to say it?”
“How can I even believe you?” she asked, her brown eyes were cold when they looked upon his face. She couldn’t express emotion properly right then. All she could imagine was him sleeping with someone else the night before. He had done it without any emotion or any forethought for how she would react or take the news. He had somehow in his conscious, even if he had been drunk, thought that she would be okay with this. Their relationship, or whatever you could call it, was completely off base if that was what he thought.
“I haven’t lied to you. For Christ’s sake, I came to you and told you that I slept with Stella,” he confessed.
“Stella?” she asked her eyes hardening. She stood back up. “You didn’t tell me you fucked your roommate.”
“I…uh…are you sure?” he asked his face shifting away from his confident air.
“No, you didn’t,” she replied biting her lip to keep from lashing out at him with all the expletives she wanted to send his way. After taking a deep breath she spoke again. “How many times have you been together?”
“What? Last night was the first time.”
“Right.” It was her turn to be disbelieving.
“What are you trying to say?” he asked regaining his earlier composure.
“I find it hard to believe that you’ve only slept with that girl once,” she cried. “You worked together. She lets you move in with her. I mean I’m not stupid. This can’t be the first time.”
Jack walked across the room bridging the distance between them. “I have never slept with her before,” he said emphasizing each word perfectly. “She was a mistake. It wasn’t supposed to happen. She just happened to be there.”
Lexi looked up into his beautiful blue eyes unable to believe some of things that were coming out of his mouth. Did he think that he was somehow improving his case?
Her breath hitched as he took one last step entering her personal space. She could feel the heat radiating off of his body. His hair fell into his eyes as he tilted his head to look into her face. She wanted to scream, yell, and run in the opposite direction, but her feet seemed to be shuffling the wrong way. His hand came up and cupped her chin tilting her head further so he could bend down and press his lips gently to hers.
Wrenching free from his touch, she stumbled across the room. She couldn’t believe how easily he overpowered her senses. Her heart was racing, but surprisingly not from the feel of his lips. She had never felt such anger over a kiss from Jack. He knew what he was doing and how she completely lacked composure around him. Except this time Lexi wasn’t going to let him win. She needed to talk to him and she needed answers.
“Who is going to happen to be there next time?” she spat at him, her eyes narrowing. “Stella happened to be there when you needed someone, but you could have easily called me and I would have come to you. I would have been there, but you didn’t want me there. You wanted to fuck something meaningless because you are too fucking afraid to let me in.”
“Lexi,” he interjected hoping to reason with her. He took another step forward nearly cornering her.
“God damn it, Jack! Don’t you take one more step toward me,” she yelled, her arms extending to push him away from her if necessary. “I need to have this conversation with you, not get lost in your stupid blue eyes.”
He smirked despite her seriousness. “Stupid blue eyes? I thought you liked them.”
Lexi glared. “Cut it out.”
“Fine. Sorry,” he mumbled.
They both stared at the floor not sure what the next course of action should be. Lexi felt numb from everything she had heard. Her body, which had already been aching from her run, hurt all over. She just wanted to cry, but at the same time, she felt as if she had no more tears left. Maybe if he had broken up with her, she could have cried. But not over this. She just hurt from this.
“Where do we go from here?” she asked him afraid of the answer.
“I was going to ask you the same thing.”
Lexi raised her head and stared at the man she had loved for close to four years. Could she give up everything over a one-night stand? Was she really a hypocrite for being angry at him for sleeping with someone else? It’s not like they had set any boundaries, any rules. She had assumed that was a given. But then again, she had been on the other end of this scenario with his last two girlfriends. It only made sense for him not to know what the rules were, especially if he still had it in his mind that they weren’t officially together.
But that did not excuse how he was treating her.
“I think you should leave,” she finally said.
“I told you it was up to you whether or not we kept
this going,” he mumbled crossing the room to the doorway.
“I didn’t say that I’d made a decision,” she said stopping him with his hand on the knob.
He turned around and looked at her wistfully. “You mean...”
“I mean you should get the fuck out, because I don’t want to see you for the next month or so, I’m so angry at you.” He hung his head. “But I doubt I’d ever make it a month after what we’ve been through.” His blue eyes looked up at her, hope apparent throughout the irises. “But I can’t look at you right now. I feel sick to my stomach at the sight of you. You don’t care about me, Jack. Or at least not enough to ignore a girl when she spreads her legs for you. I don’t know if that is enough for me. Don’t come back until you have something better to tell me.”
When Jack left her dorm, Lexi felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room. She collapsed back against the couch and stared at the door he exited until her eyes stung from not blinking enough. What had she done? What had he made her do? How could he force her hand in such a way? So many questions ran through her mind. She didn’t know which to focus on first.
What she did know was that he had hurt her...he had hurt her worse than ever before.
And she had meant what she said. She couldn’t look at him right now without hurting. She felt betrayed because of him sleeping with Stella, but she was just as angry with herself. When he had given her a chance for them to be together, she had been scared and thought it would be safer to try it out without an official title. Look how that had backfired in her face.
She had made up her mind a long time ago that Jack was the only man for her. If they had gotten through this far, then they could make it through anything. But he had been with Stella, when he had known he could have her. What kind of guy does that?
She shook her head. She had been in that exact position on a number of occasions with Clark. She knew how easy it could be to escape with Jack when she couldn’t be around Clark. As wrong as she knew it was, she hadn’t been able to stop herself. She had always thought that desperation came from wanting Jack. Perhaps he had always done it because he enjoyed the cloak and dagger effect of hiding and running away from his life with her.
Was that all she had been for all those years?
She couldn’t be sure.
Lexi wasn’t sure how many hours had passed as she sat rooted to her place on the sofa. Claire and Elizabeth moseyed in at some point chatting about how amazingly wild Chyna’s party had been. They attempted to coax a response out of her, but she sat like a statue as they carried on about their night. Rachelle eventually resurfaced and, after seeing the blank look on Lexi’s face, ushered the others out of the living room. Lexi didn’t even have a smile for her, though she did appreciate the gesture. She did not, however, appreciate Rachelle’s own efforts to find out what had happened between her and Jack. Lexi just glared at her as she rattled off outrageous scenarios.
“Get the fuck out of here, Ray,” she growled speaking for the first time.
“This isn’t healthy. I wasn’t sure if you even could speak. If you won’t speak to me, I’m calling Chyna and getting her over here. Maybe she can talk some sense into you,” she grumbled stomping into Lexi’s room.
Lexi didn’t even have the energy to stop her. What did it matter if Chyna came over? That wasn’t bringing Jack back to her and if it did, it wasn’t going to take back what had happened last night. She continued staring forward at the TV, which, at some point, had been switched on to a terrible Soap Opera. She didn’t recognize what was going on and after a couple minutes all the colors began to blur together. She knew her roommates were talking about her in the other room, but she couldn’t concentrate enough to make out what they were saying. It didn’t matter anyway.
“Oh, honey,” Chyna cried as soon as she burst through the door. She rushed across the room and sat on the couch next to Lexi. “What happened to you?” Lexi felt her wrap her arms around her and squeeze. She let her, but it still didn’t matter. “How long has she been like this?” Chyna anxiously questioned glancing over the couch at her worried roommates.
Claire shrugged and glanced toward Rachelle who answered, “I’m not sure. Jack left around eleven. I heard the door slam. I guess since then.”
“Eleven in the morning?” she screeched. “And you’re just calling me now? Why it’s nearly six o’clock.”
That surprised Lexi. She hadn’t realized she had been here that long...an hour at the most. Where had the time gone? Had Jack called? She didn’t ask any of these questions, just remained seated staring blankly ahead.
“Sorry,” Rachelle mumbled. The other two girls didn’t even respond, just huddled behind their friend. “I didn’t know what was going on with her.”
“Whatever,” Chyna stated dismissively. “Alexa, hey, look at me.” Chyna gently turned her head to face her. Lexi’s brown eyes were blank and bloodshot as if she had been crying, but every other indication was vacant. “What happened?” Lexi stared at her friend. “It’s okay. You can tell me if you want, but you don’t have to.”
Lexi could tell she was worried. Chyna’s voice was cracking with concern. She had never seen Lexi this way. That’s because Lexi had never felt this way. She felt comatose, as if she no longer needed anything to sustain her body. She could stare off into open space indefinitely and nothing else would matter. Maybe nothing else did matter.
“Chica, can you even hear me?” Lexi hadn’t noticed that she had still been talking. What was so important? She wanted to drift away...far away from this time and place. “Alexa, wake up. What has gotten into you?” she asked shaking her shoulders gently. She felt her head loll back and forth as her neck lost control of keeping her head upright. She still didn’t make a move to speak up. Chyna looked to be near to tears and there was nothing Lexi could or would do about it. She wanted to be left alone. “I just...I don’t know what to do with her,” she murmured standing and speaking to Lexi’s roommates. “What could have happened to her?”
Chyna jumped backward as a knock sounded from the front door. Rachelle crossed the room swiftly and gasped, as it swung open.
“You son of a bitch,” Chyna cried stalking across the space. “What the hell did you do to her, Jack?”
“I...Lex,” he murmured softly glancing around Chyna at Lexi’s near statuesque form.
Lexi glanced up for the first time feeling as if she had been awakened from a dream. She hadn’t expected to ever hear her name uttered by his voice ever again. “Jack.”
He attempted to enter the apartment, but Chyna blocked his way. “How dare you think you can walk back into her life like this! She’s been sitting like a completely unresponsive rock for the past seven hours because of you...and you think...”
“Chyna, cut it out,” Lexi commanded her voice weak but controlled. “Let him in.”
“Are you sure?” Chyna asked biting down on her lip. It looked like the last thing she wanted to do in the whole wide world.
“Yes.” That settled it and she moved away letting him enter the dorm. Rachelle shut the door behind him and quickly made her, Claire, and Elizabeth very busy. Chyna stood by ostensibly; ready to pounce at any second in the event that he hurt her friend again. Lexi sighed. “I’m all right, Chyna. You can go. I know you’re supposed to be meeting with Frederick today. He hates when you’re late.”
“He can deal,” she grumbled not budging.
“Go. I won’t have him angry with me. I’ll call you if I need you.” Chyna looked anxious about the situation but, eventually, nodded and left.
Lexi noticed how bad she ached all over for the first time since that morning. She had never fixed her dehydration problem and every muscle in her body was crying out from thirst. Her eyelids were heavy and pink lips chapped. Her back ached from sitting ramrod straight for seven hours. Most of all, her heart hurt terribly. She had closed off her emotions when he had walked out the door, but now with him standing in front of her, it all came back in a wave
. Her heart was tearing, breaking, being shred to pieces, and it was unlike anything she had ever experienced. She wanted to gasp out in pain, but she kept her mouth closed and held in her aches. Jack had come here for a reason, and she wanted to know what that reason was.
“You said if I had something more to talk to you about...anything better that I should come back,” he told her speaking quietly as he sat next to her on the couch.
“It took you seven hours to think of something good enough to say to me?” she whispered, her voice raspy.
“Please, Lex,” he pleaded his blue eyes boring into her.
“Go ahead.”
Jack took a deep breath before speaking. “I’ve always been the kind of person who believed that I’d never find someone I wanted to commit to. That after all the shit I went through with my parents’ divorce, I’d never want to be with someone indefinitely. I’d never see another person as anything more than a divorce waiting to happen. I pushed every person I’ve ever been with away from me, and for what?
“I did it, because I was scared. I did it, because I was selfish. I wanted everything and really all I was doing was accepting nothing. And you…you, my dear,” he said his hands reaching for her cheek but dropping before he reached her. “I hurt you more than all of them. I lied, cheated, and took you for granted. You were it for me, and I managed to even fuck that up.
“I fuck up, because I don’t know how to do anything else. I’m worthless. I’m less than worthless. I should never have been in a relationship in the first place. If anyone had known what I was capable of, they would have run. But you knew and you stuck by me. You put up with me even when you had no reason to. I know I’m terrible at showing it but I do love you. I want you to know that you have my heart. You always have and you always will.”
“Jack, how can you say that to me?” Lexi asked fighting back tears.
“Because it’s the truth,” he murmured.
“But you’ve never been able to show that to me.”