by K. A. Linde
She lay in bed, wide-awake, for as long as she could stand it. She knew that she had to work bright and early in the morning, but she couldn’t fall asleep, lying here. If only her exhaustion would just set in and give her the temporary relief she needed…
But it didn’t.
With a sigh, she swung her legs back over the edge of the bed, walked across the room, and back down the hallway. Jack was lying on the couch, facing the ceiling, a blanket thrown across him. When she walked in, he turned to face her. He didn’t look like he had been sleeping either.
“Can’t sleep,” she whispered.
“Me either.”
“Thinking about you.”
“Yeah.”
Lexi leaned against the entrance to the hallway and fiddled with her hair hanging loose over one shoulder. She wasn’t wearing more than a tank top and sleeping shorts, but she couldn’t be self-conscious in front of Jack.
“What should I do?” she whispered, wishing she had all the answers.
“Sleep on it and decide in the morning.”
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s for the better,” she agreed. “Come with me?”
Jack took a deep breath. “Where?”
Her eyes found him in the darkness before she responded. “Bed.”
“Lex,” he groaned huskily.
“I don’t want to be alone.”
“I…I can’t.”
“Please,” she begged.
Jack kicked his feet over the side and ran his hand through his hair. After taking a deep breath, he walked across the room to stand in front of her. “You’re still engaged.”
“I know.” Lexi nodded, meeting his eyes. “I’m not asking you to sleep with me…”
“I can’t promise you that I won’t.” His hands found her hips, and he gripped them tightly in his hand.
He was fighting for control. She could feel it rolling off of every inch of him.
“I didn’t ask you to,” she said, biting her lip. Her eyes flitted back to the ground, and she felt him reflexively pull her against him.
“I don’t want to hurt you ever again…”
“You’re not hurting me,” she said, finding his hand and pulling it into hers. “I’m just asking you to hold me. Please.”
She tugged on his arm, and with only a moment’s hesitation, he followed her down the hallway and back into his room. Jack closed the door behind them as Lexi snuggled back under the covers. Her heart was fluttering in her chest with anticipation. She licked her lips again and tried not to think about what she was doing. Nothing was happening.
Jack crawled into bed next to her, and she could feel her pulse in the tips of her fingers.
He set her body on fire.
“Lex,” he whispered.
She could feel the charged space between them and realized that she was even more awake now than she had been before.
“I can’t…”
Lexi pushed her body into him, and he stopped talking. She relaxed against his chest, fitting into him like the missing puzzle piece. His hand wrapped around her waist and pulled her flush against his body, his head falling onto her shoulder.
“God, you smell so good,” he groaned, breathing her in.
His body was warm, and together like this, it was like an inferno. They hadn’t been together like this since his birthday and before that…New York. All of the resistance that she had put up melted away in an instant, and she wondered how she had ever said no. She remembered why she had been an idiot all those years. She remembered why it had all been worth it to her.
But she wouldn’t…couldn’t do this with him. She was still engaged. If she slept with Jack tonight, like her body was practically demanding in that moment, then she would be completely in the wrong. It wouldn’t be her decision with Ramsey anymore. She would have fucked up another relationship, no matter if it was already in a weakened condition. She had sworn she would never do that to Ramsey…ever. Even where they were now, she knew that she had to hold on to that. If she were with Jack now, then she would be no better than Ramsey having feelings for Parker.
With a groan, Lexi pulled away from Jack. “I can’t either,” she said, turning to face him.
He dropped his head to the pillow with a sigh. “I know.”
“We’re friends,” she said, trying to put back up the barrier that they had worked so hard to achieve, the barrier she had single-handedly knocked down.
“I can’t just be your friend,” he breathed huskily into the darkness.
Lexi couldn’t make out the outline of his jawline or the smirk she knew that played across his face or the shaggy set of his hair that perpetually fell into his eyes. But she knew what it all looked like by memory. His breath, hot on her face, made her eyes close, conjuring those memories that she desperately tried to hold back.
“You have to be,” she managed to get out. She didn’t even sound like herself. She wasn’t herself when she was with him. She was his.
Seth had said it the best all that time ago—when they were together, there was no one else.
“No.” His hand found her fingers and slowly pried them apart, and then he slipped his hand into hers.
She didn’t even fight him.
“See.”
“What?” she asked, pressing her palm against his as his thumb stroked up her hand.
“We fit together perfectly,” he murmured. “Don’t let anyone tell you different.”
Lexi whimpered at the words falling from his lips that she so desperately craved. It wasn’t fair. It was too late. Too damn late. Why now?
“No, Jack.”
“We’ve tried being friends. It was the only thing we hadn’t tried,” he said, his voice changing.
He had a commanding edge to him that pushed aside what she had been saying.
“I gave it a shot, Lex. I gave you your space. I let you be happy. That’s what you said you wanted.” He gripped her hand a little harder. “How did that work out? Are you happy? Are you happy without me?”
“Jack,” she whispered, tears welling in her eyes once again.
“I know I wasn’t.”
PRESENT
Lexi spent the next four days, alternating between locking herself away at work and Jack’s apartment. The case was coming to a close. She could see the light at the end of the tunnel. At least things were going well in her professional life even if her personal life was shit. Her secretary had even stopped her on Monday morning to ask if she was all right. Lexi hadn’t thought that she looked that bad, but apparently, that hadn’t been the case.
She had splurged over the weekend and bought some new clothes, so she wouldn’t have to go home. She had felt guilty about it…about spending the money and about avoiding her place.
She had known she needed to talk to Ramsey. He had freaked out when she hadn’t come home the next night.
At nearly midnight, she had returned to Jack’s place, and she hadn’t responded to any of Ramsey’s messages or calls during the day. She hadn’t been able to talk to him. The memory of being locked in Jack’s arms, falling asleep in them, waking up in them, had kept her from being able to speak to Ramsey.
Nothing had happened, but still…something had happened.
Lexi had finally broken down and texted Ramsey.
I’m all right, but I don’t know when I’ll be coming back.
The response had been instantaneous.
Please come home. I’m sorry. I’m losing my mind over here. I can’t lose you, too.
Lexi had almost broken down at those words. Her heart had felt like someone had rolled over it with a steamroller. Every muscle in her body had itched to walk back to her car and comfort him. But she hadn’t.
I need some time away.
We should talk about this. Please come home and talk to me about this.
I can’t. Just give me some time, she had responded, biting down hard on her lip.
Where are you? I’ll come to you.
Yeah, she wasn’t even goi
ng to go there. If Ramsey knew that she was with Jack, he might do something drastic…like drive over here and come find her. She had remembered only a week ago when his fist had connected with John’s face. She had doubted he would be so merciful with Jack.
I’m sorry. I can’t. I have to go.
She had turned off her phone and tossed in her purse. She hadn’t spoken to him since.
Three days later, and still, all she wanted to do was sleep.
Jack had given her a key to the place, so she could come and go as she pleased. He hadn’t even hesitated. He had just placed it in her hand Friday morning before he had left for work. It hadn’t really mattered because she hadn’t been there without him, but it had been a nice feeling.
She slid the key into the lock and opened the door to the quiet apartment. She knew it was late. She wasn’t expecting Jack to be awake. The past three nights, she had found him passed out on the couch when she got back. She would shake him awake to let him know that she was home, and he would sit up to talk to her about her day, to try to get her mind off of everything else. She would relax back into his lap, and he would stroke her hair until she stopped speaking and fell asleep.
The next morning, she would wake up alone, wrapped in his sheets after he had carried her exhausted body into bed. It was the only way she found some peace from the headache and the heartache.
But tonight, when she quietly closed the door behind her and walked into the living room, Jack was sitting on the couch with his hands clasped together, staring at the coffee table.
“Hey. Did something happen?” Lexi asked, dropping her bag and walking over to him.
Jack dropped his head and then sat up straight. “I’m glad you’re back.”
“Me, too,” she said hesitantly. “Is everything okay?”
“Ramsey called me.”
“He did?” she asked, her stomach dropping out. What did Jack talk to him about? Did he tell Ramsey that she was staying here? She glanced back at the door, wondering if Ramsey would be breaking it down any minute. “What did he say?”
“He wanted to know if I’d heard from you.”
“What, um…what did you tell him?” she asked, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear.
“I told him that I had and to give you some space. He didn’t really like that answer.”
“Did you tell him I was here?” she squeaked.
Jack arched an eyebrow incredulously and stood. “I’m not stupid. I wouldn’t have told him. I’ve still kind of been waiting for him to show up all afternoon.”
“Oh,” she said with a sigh. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring that to your doorstep.”
She stared down at her feet and tried to figure out what the hell had become of her life. If Ramsey came here and messed with Jack because she had needed someone, then she was going to be so pissed. But she didn’t want Jack to have to go through that. She just wanted to do the right thing.
“Do you want me to go?”
His face showed actual shock at her conclusion. “How could you think that? I don’t want you to leave. That’s the exact opposite of what I want.”
“Ramsey punched John at Chyna’s wedding. I don’t want him to come here and do that to you. You don’t deserve it when you’ve been nothing but supportive of me through all of this.”
“My attorney would probably love for Ramsey to come and beat the shit out of me,” he said with a sad laugh. “Then, we might be able to do something about this situation the Bridges are throwing on my table.”
“What are they doing?”
“Besides Bekah divorcing me? Besides trying to take me for every penny I’m worth? Besides dragging my name through the mud? Besides all but forcing me out of the company?” he asked.
“They can’t fire you over this!” Lexi cried.
“Oh no, they’re not firing me. They’re just strongly encouraging me to seek employment elsewhere.”
Lexi’s mouth dropped open. “They can’t do that.”
“And why not? They own half of Atlanta. They’re not going to get in trouble for kicking out one employee. And even if it came to that, they would just get a pat on the hand, saying don’t do that again. It’s okay. Really. This whole situation has made me see things very clearly,” he told her. “Seven months separated from Bekah, and I see the kind of person she is. I get what you were saying all along.”
That she was a lying, conniving, manipulative bitch? Yes, that was what she had been saying all along. She was so glad that Jack was really realizing all of this, but she did hate that he had to get hurt so much to realize it.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“You’re the last person to blame.” He reached forward and cupped her chin, tilting her face back up to his. “You tried to tell me. I was the one who didn’t listen.”
“I’m just sorry that you’re going through this,” she said, gazing back up into those eyes.
“And I’m sorry that I hurt you, Lex.” He sighed and stroked his thumb down her cheek instinctually. “You’ve been hurt too much by too many people.”
Lexi blinked back tears and pulled away from him. “We should go to sleep,” she whispered.
“Not yet. I wanted to talk to you,” he said with a sigh. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot since you’ve been here, thinking about how we were, how we are.”
She turned her head and assessed him. He was staring at her with some fierce intensity. He hadn’t been waiting up to tell her about Ramsey. He had been waiting up to talk to her about whatever was on his mind now.
“What about us?” That word felt so foreign yet so familiar.
“Let me try to get this out. I…I had this idea in my head that it would never work out between us. I wanted it. I really fucking wanted it. But I just couldn’t see it happening, Lex,” he murmured softly.
Lexi’s heart tightened at his words. Just what she wanted to hear. He wanted it, but it was never going to happen. Hadn’t she known that from the start?
“Well, thank for your honesty,” she said sarcastically. She couldn’t keep the hurt out of her voice.
“No, that’s not what I meant,” he said, reaching out for her.
She moved away from him. He had said he didn’t want to hurt her, and then he tossed this out. Like she could handle anything else this week.
“I’ll try to explain. I can admit that I was really messed-up from my parents’ divorce. My parents were so completely, totally, madly in love. I’ve heard stories from family friends about how they were so cute that they were disgusting. I’ve heard it from both of them that they just got married too young, they were too in love, they didn’t know what they were in for. They thought that the love and passion were enough, that it would carry them through,” he said softly, “but it didn’t.”
Lexi gulped. She didn’t know this part of his history. She knew about the divorce, of course, but not about his parents being in love—at least not like this.
“I thought after it all went to shit that I was never going to be like them. Not ever. I wasn’t going to just give in to someone like that. I’d find someone solid, stable…”
“Predictable,” Lexi offered.
“Very much so. It wasn’t that I wasn’t invested or that I didn’t love the people when I was with them, but it wasn’t right. In every new relationship, I tried harder and harder, and it just seemed to get worse and worse. It seemed like I had to push at every step to make it work…when things should have just fit together.”
He sighed and met her gaze. She could feel the waves of emotions rolling off of him.
“Well, look, I pushed so hard that I married someone without that passion, without the burning drive, and it’s all fucked-up, too, Lex. It didn’t matter that my parents loved each other because they let that love die. I never had it with Bekah…I’ve only had it with you. And I don’t want to let it die, Lex. Not ever.”
Lexi smacked him in the chest. “I can’t believe you would say this stuff to me r
ight now. After what—nine or ten years, you finally realize how dumb you were? You finally realize that I’m the one you want? I’m no saint, but you’re an asshole,” she whispered.
He grabbed her hand and brought it softly to his lips. “I am, but damn, Lex, I’m your asshole.”
“Jack, please…”
“When you landed on my doorstep last week, you asked me what you should do,” he reminded her. “I asked you the same question on my wedding day. You should have told me to walk away. You should have told me to leave her. That’s what you should have told me. I think all along it was what I wanted to hear. I made the mistake…and I don’t want you to make the same one.”
His eyes blazed as the words he had been holding back fell from his lips. He reached out and rested his hands on her face, and she stopped breathing. Lexi had known that was what he was asking her that day, but she hadn’t been able to say it. She shouldn’t have had to say it. She had wanted him to come to the conclusion on his own, but he hadn’t. And he had married Bekah. Now, he was telling her it was all a mistake and that they had gone through all of that for nothing.
“So, you asked me what you should do. You should leave him. Because if you’re not happy now…you’re not going to be happy when you’re married.”
Lexi locked on to those baby-blue eyes, on to the face of the man she had loved for longer than she could imagine. He was telling her to end it with Ramsey. He was fighting for her happiness. His mistakes with Bekah were far from what she was dealing with right now with Ramsey, but they had their similarities.
But she didn’t know if she was ready to make that decision. She could work things out with Ramsey. She could make things right. She could be happy…right?
“I see what you’re thinking. You have it written all over your face. You’re making a terrible mistake,” he pleaded with her.
Jack Howard was pleading with her.
She felt years of need pressing on her from all sides. She had wanted this. She had wanted him to fight for her. And now that he was, what was she supposed to do?
Three years with Ramsey, an engagement ring, a wedding…