by K. A. Linde
“Let’s talk about it another time, okay?” Lexi asked.
“Is everything all right?” Cierra asked, arching an eyebrow.
“Fine. I just have to meet Ramsey.”
“Okay. Come say hi before you leave.”
Lexi waved her off without a response. She couldn’t talk to her without seeing how this conversation with Ramsey went first. After this, then she would decide what to do about bridesmaids and the wedding and everything else in her life. One step at a time.
She took the elevator to the top floor. Through her nerves, she laughed at how this was the one thing that Ramsey hadn’t gotten to go his way. He hadn’t wanted a top-floor office like his family, and even though he had been given discretion over almost everything else, the designers had still put him up on the top floor. So much good that discretion had been for…Parker still worked with him, and they still had offices next door to each other.
He better be true to his word and have her out of the area if not out of the hospital entirely.
When the elevator opened on the top floor, Lexi steeled herself for the conversation she had been dreading all week. If she knew how this was all going to go down, then she likely wouldn’t be as terrified as she felt, but she couldn’t help it. She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and walked out of the elevator.
Ramsey was pacing in his office as she approached. His secretary was mercifully absent. Lexi glanced into the office next door and didn’t see anyone. She sighed in relief. No Parker.
She was used to seeing him in suits, but he hadn’t been at the office. He had driven here from home, so he was dressed more casually in a pair of pressed khaki shorts, green polo, and boat shoes. He still looked perfectly put-together even though she could tell by his pacing, the way he ducked his head, the way he ran his hands back through his hair methodically, that he was a wreck.
Her hand landed on the doorknob lightly, and Ramsey’s head jerked up at the sound. Her heart broke at the sight. Her Ramsey never went anywhere without being clean-shaven, and Lexi could see stubble along his jawline. His eyes seemed far away, and bags were forming under his eyes, like he hadn’t been sleeping. She hated that he was like this…that she had caused this.
Lexi turned the handle and walked into Ramsey’s office, slowly, cautiously. He took a few steps toward her like he wanted to scoop her up and pull her into his arms, but when he saw her face, he stopped in his tracks. He wasn’t stupid. He didn’t want to push her again. But any distance between them felt exponentially worse with those few feet.
“Lexi, it’s so good to see you,” he all but whispered into the silence between them.
“It’s good to see you, too,” she answered honestly.
“I’m really glad you called and wanted to talk.”
Now that she was here, staring at his beautiful face, Lexi didn’t know what to say. Do what you want. That was basically what Chyna had told her. You already know what you want. You just have to make that decision for yourself.
Lexi sighed and closed her eyes. Why couldn’t it really be that easy?
“I know you wanted to talk, but can I go first?” Ramsey asked. “I’ve been holding on to this for five days, and I want to get it all out.”
She nodded. She didn’t even know where to begin. So, maybe this was better.
“Those papers don’t mean anything to me. That was a lifetime ago…”
Lexi sighed and shook her head. She knew she was going to have to sit down for this.
“I’m serious,” he continued. “I was just shocked when she showed up with them. I was so sure it was an abortion that I had forced myself to believe it all these years. It was kind of like losing a part of myself. I don’t know how else to explain it. But even if I was wrong about Parker, it doesn’t change what happened between us. Parker and I broke up, and we haven’t been together in a very long time. I’ll admit that the day you walked in to my office, I had all of these what-ifs swirling around in my head, but that’s all they ever will be—what-ifs. Parker…” Ramsey paused as if trying to wrap his mind around the name and the emotions. “She isn’t you.”
“Yes, well, that’s very clear,” Lexi said softly.
“Very clear. You asked me to explain her to you, to tell you why she matters. Well, the answer is because she’s always mattered to me. First, as a big brother joking around with his sister’s friends. Then, as a girlfriend. Then, for all the reasons that we couldn’t work. Then, as a coworker. The reason you care for people can change. Just like my feelings for Parker have changed.”
Lexi knew exactly what he was talking about because she had that with Jack. And it might change, but it always came back to that one aching desire she had in the pit of her stomach. And if what Ramsey and Parker were going through was anything like her experience with Jack, then no matter how much it changed, no matter how much distance was put between Parker and Ramsey…it still plagued them.
“But my feelings for you have never changed like that. They’ve only grown and grown, and they continue to grow every day, every minute, every second I’m with you. And I knew on that first date that you were different, that things with you would be different. I wanted to protect you. I wanted to make it all better. I wanted to rid you of the hollow expression and depression that seemed to hang off of you.”
“And you did,” she whispered softly. “You pulled me out of the pain that I’d been in for years.”
“Good.” His green eyes were wide.
She could tell he had been running this all through his head for days on end. He wasn’t rambling or incoherent, like her Ramsey always was. He had thought this through. He wanted to make this right.
“You did the same for me.”
“I know,” she said.
“And when you walked out that door, when I didn’t hear from you, I felt…I don’t even know how to explain it. I felt like it didn’t matter what I did anymore because the only thing I wanted in the whole world, I’d let walk out on me…again.”
Lexi’s heart stopped. How could she not love a man like this? He said and did all the right things. He loved her unconditionally despite all her faults and all her baggage. He picked her up out of the pain and placed her back into working order. He had been exactly what she needed.
“Please, Lexi, my Alexa, let me make it right,” Ramsey whispered, bridging the distance between them and staring down into her wide brown eyes.
She could tell that he wanted her to make the next move, to make it all right.
“When I went to see Chyna before the wedding, she told me that I should decide what I want. That I’ve always looked to make everyone else happy. That I’ve never considered my own happiness. Chyna has a certain way with words…that I think I lack.”
Ramsey swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing with his uncertainty about where this was going.
“She’s like a dose of reality through my overanalytical mind.”
“That’s a good way to put it,” Ramsey said tentatively.
“I think, in some ways, she’s right. I think of other people’s happiness because it coincides with what I want. I wanted Jack for years, so I didn’t think about what he did to me during that time or how it would affect me. And I went back to you after you’d hurt me without even thinking it through. I feel like I was kind of always doing what others expected me to do. I don’t regret any of my decisions. They have shaped who I am. They made me happy at the time, but thinking about it makes me realize that I was always running in circles.”
“Lexi,” Ramsey interrupted, “I really don’t mind if we have to postpone the wedding. I—”
Lexi held up her hand to silence him. She needed to finish. She couldn’t think through his words. “I think you’re right. Your feelings for people do change with time. You might need someone for one reason, and then when that reason is obsolete, you might not need that person anymore. People come in and out of your life all the time. They shape and mold you like clay, and then the water washes away
the edges.”
She could feel tears prick her eyes as she finally got out what she was trying to say—as she finally realized what Chyna was telling her.
“You came into my life. You pulled me away from my pain. You molded me into a better person,” she said, taking a step back and swallowing hard. “But I think that was what I needed then…not now.”
“Lexi,” Ramsey choked out.
She had always thought that her temptation was this heart-stopping, unbelievable emotion where she was unable to think or breathe or do anything because of how it made her feel and what it made her want to do. That temptation was something she had always given in to. At least, that was how it had been for a very long time—before Ramsey, before she had realized how important it was not to give in to that, not to let it affect her like that.
But then, the temptation changed.
She changed.
Desire, lust, cheating—those temptations weren’t there anymore. She didn’t ever want to cheat again. What came with cheating was heartbreak and pain—the exact pain that Ramsey had pulled her out of.
Now, she was avoiding temptation to settle—to stay with Ramsey because he had been the person to pull her out of it, and realizing that was the reason why he was important to her.
And she loved Ramsey. She had loved him for a really long time.
But she didn’t love him enough to spend the rest of her life with him.
And really, when it came down to that, it was an easy choice.
Because it was what she wanted.
“I’m sorry, Ramsey. I just…I’m not happy,” she said. “I want us to work. I want it to be right.”
“Then, let me show you.” Ramsey reached out for her, pulling her toward him. “I’ve changed my whole life for you, Lexi. Just let me show you. Please.”
“Ramsey, no,” she said, shaking her head. “I didn’t ask you to change your life for me.”
“But I did anyway!” he said, running his arms up and resting his hands on her shoulders.
“I liked who you were. I liked you being independent. I liked the rebellious Ramsey.”
“I wanted something we could be proud of.”
Lexi shook her head and tried to pull away. “I never judged you for how your life was. I liked that you cared enough about what you wanted, that you didn’t have to be under your father’s influence.” Lexi bit her lip and turned her face from him. She wished she could explain all of this better. “But when you changed, for me, you lost part of the person you were when I fell in love with you.”
“I changed for the better, not for the worse, Lexi. I changed to be a better man for you.”
“You’re not hearing me,” she said softly. “You were already a great man. You’re still a great man. I just…don’t think you’re the man for me.”
Lexi saw the exact moment Ramsey’s heart broke. It was stunningly painful, like staring into the sun on a bright afternoon or the glare of a flashlight in his eyes in the pitch black. It was like the moment a storm broke overhead, dropping a torrential downpour onto the earth. It was that second when the fight went out of a boxer’s eyes, the moment of defeat, the moment of destruction, when he only needed one more punch to crumple to the ground and have darkness swallow him up whole.
A single tear fell out of Ramsey’s right eye and rolled down his cheek to his tensed jaw. His eyes were misted over with emotion, and Lexi had to swallow back a knot in her throat. She had brought this strong man, this beautiful man, to tears, and there was absolutely nothing that she could do about it that she wouldn’t regret for the rest of her life.
“I’m sorry, Ramsey. I can’t keep this,” she said, pulling the diamond ring off her finger. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and tried to blink back the tears forming in her eyes. “I already have one that belongs to me. It was saved for me before I even knew who you were.”
PRESENT
Lexi had always thought that when it came to this moment, when she had the right to choose, the right to make up her mind for herself without any exterior complications, she would turn Jack away. How many times had he done it to her? But then again…how many times had she done it to him? He had told her how he felt when she was dating both her college boyfriends, and she had said no. They had never had their chance only because they had both run scared at every opportunity. But now, Jack was laid out in front of her, and she couldn’t bear to do it. She couldn’t bear to give him up.
It was a terrifying notion—no more running, no more hiding. She had owned up to how she was feeling with Ramsey, and she would have to do it now with Jack.
Christ! She had left him waiting for her without an answer. She had walked out of his apartment, still deciding what she was going to do. The choice to leave Ramsey was her own. It had nothing to do with Jack. And by now Jack probably thought that it was over.
She could walk away, start over, find a new life.
But…what kind of life would she have without Jack?
It made her heart constrict, thinking about it. She had been so ready to move on and get past him after his wedding, but she had found that she couldn’t. It wasn’t even that she couldn’t. She just didn’t want to. She wanted him in her life. She wanted him around. She wanted him to be the person who picked her up when she was down, the one who made her smile. She was so tired of heartache, and she wondered over and over again if she had just tried it with Jack from the beginning what it would have looked like.
She would never know. They had never taken the chance. Even in New York, she had been the one to say, Let’s just take it slow. But how could they even possibly take it slow? All her heart told her was to floor the pedal and speed down the road as fast as she could.
They had been fighting this for so long that she couldn’t even articulate what it felt like to know that Jack was waiting for her, that he wanted her, that she could have him…
Almost four years since they had last slept together. Almost six since New York.
She swallowed hard when she did the math. All this time—ten years in August—and Jack was still the one man she couldn’t live without.
Jack had told her, all those years ago, that they were fated to be together….that he wished he could go back to change the way he had acted. Nothing could erase the past though. Nothing could change what they had gone through.
But Jack had changed. Over the last two years, he had grown up. He had stopped thinking that he could have his cake and eat it, too. He respected her, and now…he was fighting for her.
So, while nothing could change their past, they could change the future.
They already had.
Lexi’s hand shook as she knocked on the door to Jack’s apartment. It was half past one o’clock in the morning, and she knew Jack would likely be asleep…in the bed she had been sleeping in for the past five days. She still had the key that he had given her, but she didn’t feel right using it, not after walking out on him this morning. She couldn’t until she figured out what was going on between them.
As she waited for an answering call, for the door to slide back, for Jack’s face to appear, shocked, in the doorway, she let her mind wander back to the hospital.
The weight of the ring in her hand as she slid it into Ramsey’s palm. The look of pure unadulterated sadness that took over his face. The realization that he had lost her…that it was over.
With the beginning wave of acceptance already taking over, Ramsey had embraced her and left a lone kiss on the top of her head. She had let herself feel his arms around her once more, knowing that this would be the last time. Ramsey had stared down into her eyes one last time as he had pushed her hair behind her earlobe.
He had leaned forward and whispered into her ear, “His warning still stands with me, Lexi.” His voice had been hoarse with the edge of protectiveness that he had always had. “If he hurts you, I’ll kill him.”
Lexi had finally pulled back, her mouth set into a straight line, and nodded. He had nodded back
, and that had said everything without saying anything. She hadn’t wanted to hide it from him. He deserved to know the truth, and through that one look, she had known that while he might not like it, and it would take time for him to get over it, he would get over it…get over her.
And then, he had let her go. Because there was nothing else that they could do. She had made up her mind.
So, she had said her farewell and departed.
She hated hurting Ramsey, seeing the pain that she had inflicted upon him, but she would hate herself more if she stayed with him and didn’t love him…not like she wanted to…not like he deserved.
Her hand had come down lightly on the doorframe. Her hand had fisted over her heart as she had pushed the pain aside. Ramsey occupied a different part of her heart, but the truth of it was…she could never give herself away fully to anyone with Jack still taking up residence. So, she had to let the pain pass, let it wash off of her like water on clay, and know that she was making the right decision.
With a sigh and another deep breath, she had dropped her hands and straightened her back. She would never forget the three-and-a-half years she had spent with Ramsey. They had been good years.
But she was ready to begin the rest of her life.
The door swung inward, and Lexi held her breath as Jack’s face came into view. He was still rubbing his eyes, trying to orient his already groggy body. She must have pulled him out of bed. He was wearing nothing more than burgundy basketball shorts hanging low on his hips. She could see the navy plaid boxers underneath, like he had just slid the shorts over top of them. He was shirtless, and she could see every muscular line in his chest and abdomen. Her eyes traced the taut muscles in his shoulders and down his arms before lifting back to that gorgeous face and those baby-blue eyes that were now staring back at her in shock. It was clear that he hadn’t been expecting to see her…maybe never again.