Liminal

by Bee Lewis

  She felt sick. What did they mean? The unfairness of Mike’s assessment of her stung, but what was behind Dan’s question? And what was Mike referring to?

  Her spine turned to ice as Mike spoke again.

  ‘Let’s ask her. She’s outside.’

  She froze in place under the windowsill, her back pressed against the thick stone wall. The back door opened and the two men stepped out into the snow.

  ‘What are you doing there, Esther?’ The tone Mike so often used for teasing her, now took on a sinister note. ‘Cowering like a frightened little rabbit.’

  Using her palms for leverage, she pushed herself up the wall to her feet, not taking her eyes off either man, her spine crackling with dread. Whatever was about to happen, she wouldn’t make it easy for them.

  ‘What’s going on?’ She tilted her chin, hoping her eyes were flashing the defiance she felt.

  Dan looked away, unable to meet her gaze.

  Mike beckoned her inside. ‘Come on in, we’ll explain everything to you.’ His tone was conciliatory, coaxing.

  With her hands numb and blue-tinged with cold, and her breath misting in front of her, she couldn’t see many other options. She followed Mike into the cottage, passing Dan as he held the door open for her. She searched his face, looking for clues, for reassurance, but found none.

  The inside of the cottage was basic. Two leather armchairs in front of a wood burner, a small side table with a haphazard pile of newspapers, and a single bookshelf in the alcove. The room was open plan into a small kitchen and dining area. Underneath the kitchen counter there was a jumble of clothes, camping equipment, boots, and a washing machine. All the kitchen equipment was displayed on shelves, saucepans, dinner plates, bowls, glasses. Stone flags ran the length of cottage. She was left with the impression that his life could be packed up in minutes, that he could leave and never be traced.

  Mike signalled to one of the armchairs and Esther, tired from the walk, sat, grateful to have the weight shifted off her leg. She looked from Mike to Dan, but both men were expressionless. Dan sat in the other armchair and Mike remained standing.

  ‘So, Little Esther, how much did you hear?’

  She opened her mouth to speak, but didn’t know where to begin. This wasn’t how she’d played the scene out in her mind.

  ‘You’ll have lots of questions, I expect?’ Mike’s eyes bored into her. ‘No? What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?’ Mike snickered and turned to Dan. ‘Perhaps you should tell her?’

  Dan put his head in his hands, but said nothing.

  Esther found her voice. ‘Tell me what?’ When Dan didn’t answer, she repeated, firmer this time, ‘Tell me what?’

  Her stomach lurched. Whatever he was going to say, she knew it was going to hurt.

  ‘I’m sorry, Es. I really am. I never meant for you to be caught up in this.’ Dan reached out for her hand, but she snatched it away. ‘Mikey’s right. It’s time you knew the truth. I knew this day would come, but I didn’t want you to find out like this.’

  ‘Just tell me.’

  ‘Yes, Dan. Just tell her. Get it all off your chest. Best to be out in the open.’ Mike chuckled.

  When Dan spoke again, there were tears in his eyes. ‘I was planning to leave you. Rosgill was meant to be my new start, but then you told me you were pregnant and that changed everything.’

  She waited for him to continue.

  ‘You asked me if I knew Mikey before coming up here. I lied to you. I’ve lied to you about almost everything for too long. It’s become that I don’t know what’s true any more.’

  Esther eyed her husband warily; it was unlike him to be so candid. For a second, she wished she’d never followed him. She wanted to pull her marriage back from the precipice, but his betrayals had left raw welts on her spirit and she had to know the truth.

  Dan looked defeated, but he continued, unable to look her in the eyes.

  ‘I met him in Bristol, we caught the same train to work and over time got chatting. When I was made redundant I spent my days at his place, with him. I never meant for it to happen. I swear. I never meant to hurt you.’

  Esther felt the blood drain from her face. Her tongue felt thick in her mouth, her thoughts congealed. With a flash of clarity, she pictured Dan washing his mouth out with the anti-bacterial gel and understood why. All this time he’d been seeing Mike. He didn’t love her, didn’t want her. Didn’t want a life together. His protestations about homosexuality had been to cover his own conflicted feelings. She’d come here to confront them, to show them that she could accept their relationship, but the reality was too stark, too forceful.

  ‘That’s right, Esther. Me and your man here have become very close. Very close, if you get my drift.’

  She wanted to smack the smug expression off Mike’s face, but shock kept her arms rooted to her sides. She glared at him as Dan spoke again.

  ‘I tried to leave. I did. But so many things happened. The miscarriage, Sophie. How could I leave you? You might not believe it, but I still have feelings for you and I’m not a cruel man.’

  He was sobbing now, but Esther couldn’t find it in herself to react.

  ‘I was going to tell you—’

  ‘You were with him when I miscarried.’

  ‘Yes.’

  The realisation came as a body blow and she barely registered his response. She laughed. A laugh that started small, but which grew in intensity until her body convulsed and she didn’t know whether she was laughing or crying. Aware that both men were watching her, she regained control, harnessing her hurt into anger.

  ‘All this time, I was trying to work out whether I wanted to be with you, to give you another chance, but you’d already made your mind up. For fuck’s sake, Dan. You’re such a fucking coward.’

  Dan flinched as she spoke, but she wasn’t finished. Twisting her wedding ring off, she read the inscription.

  ‘You. Me. Us. Remember that? Remember our vows? That’s how it was meant to be. All this time while I was torturing myself for not being able to forgive you, and you were hatching another plan. I was simply your Plan B.’ She threw the ring at him.

  Mike clapped. A slow clap that rang out like shots in the dense air.

  Dan stood up and pushed Mike away. ‘Stop it! Just stop.’

  ‘Sit down, Danny-boy. You’ve done your bit, now it’s my turn to tell some truths.’ Mike stood with his back to the window, blocking out most of the weak light that was coming into the cottage. He half-rested on the windowsill, hands behind him.

  A look of puzzlement crossed Dan’s face and Esther took a deep breath, not sure what Mike was going to say.

  ‘You see, that isn’t all of the story. Not nearly all.’ Mike picked up a pack of cigarettes from the windowsill and pulled one out of the packet, lit it and took a slow drag before he spoke again. ‘I’ve been waiting a long time to tell my story and I want you to listen. To understand. I’m not Mike O’Rourke. I’m Michael Slattery.’ He paused, waiting for the significance to sink in. ‘The only surviving child of Maria Slattery, and brother to Sean Slattery, both of whom were killed by a drunk driver.’

  The cottage was at sea. Esther cried out and put her hands on the arms of the chair to steady herself. This had to be a joke. How could he be so cruel? She looked at him, uncomprehending, squinting against the light of the window to try to make out his expression. His face was set like granite.

  Dan was the first to speak. ‘Did . . . did you know who I was? Did you plan this?’

  ‘Yes. I knew who you were, Daniel. But this? No. This is better than I could have ever expected. I’d planned to get my revenge on that pathetic gobshite of a father of hers. But the bastard died.’

  ‘But why go after her? She didn’t hurt you. I don’t understand.’

  ‘What’s to understand? Vengeance has no root in reason. My mothe
r and brother died. I was robbed of a life with them and instead was packed off to Ireland to live with people I’d met a handful of times. I lost everything when that bastard chose to get behind the wheel. Everything. And I want her to know how that feels.’ Mike paced up and down as he spoke. ‘I was uprooted. Taken away from everything I’d ever known; everything that was familiar. I was a child for fuck’s sake.’

  ‘Don’t you think she’s been through enough? For God’s sake, she didn’t get out of that accident unscathed. And she lost her Daddy as a result. Not to mention everything we’ve done to her.’

  Esther listened in silence, hardly able to comprehend what she was hearing.

  ‘So yeah, once I knew he was dead, I looked her up. It’s not that hard to find a cripple, even in a city the size of Bristol. And imagine my surprise to find she had everything she wanted. Everything I wanted.’ He paused to relight his cigarette. ‘You really are pathetic, Esther. All this time and you blindly followed where he led you. But she is right about one thing. You are a fucking coward, Dan. I was counting on that. A real man would have had the balls to tell her.’

  Now it was Dan’s turn to pale. Beads of sweat appeared on his upper lip and his complexion greyed. ‘You said . . . you said you loved me.’

  Mike shrugged. ‘People will believe what they want to hear. I’ll grant her this though, playing the baby card was a blinder. It forced me to rethink. Hacking into her phone took a bit of doing. Poor, screwy Esther, getting messages from beyond the grave. You have to admit, the result was pretty bloody inspired. In time, I could have probably convinced you that she was mad, leaving you no option but to apply for custody. Then she’d really have lost it all. Then we’d finally be quits.’

  Esther flew at Mike, raining blows on his chest and arms. ‘You evil bastard!’

  She was no match for his size and strength and he shoved her roughly to the floor, kicking out at her in the process. A jolt of pain radiated out from her right hip, lightning striking every nerve. She whimpered with pain and scrambled across the floor trying to get away from him. As she did so, she saw the knife he’d been hiding behind his back on the windowsill, sunlight picking out the curved edge of the blade. She kicked out at him with her left foot, but she was kicking into air.

  He snarled at her. ‘Not so clever now eh, Esther? Not so brave.’

  Mike lunged at her with the knife in his hand. Dan seized his chance, disabling Mike temporarily with a blow to his windpipe. Esther dragged herself to the cottage door. Using the door handle to pull herself upright, her eyes met Dan’s and he signalled to her to run. She pulled the door open and staggered outside, gulping lungfuls of the biting air in her panic.

  She felt in her pockets for the spare car keys, thanking fate that she’d had the foresight to bring them. Limping over to the Toyota, it was hard to keep her footing in the snow which was already showing signs of melting. She looked back at the cottage to see Mike and Dan as they tried to overpower each other, the window framing their struggle. She put the keys in the ignition, her hands and body trembling from a mixture of cold and adrenalin. She had to get away from here. Had to reach safety. She reached under the steering column to the pedals and flipped down the specially adapted accelerator. At the same moment, a single shot rang out and she froze.

  Mike stood in the doorway of the cottage, the barrel of a rifle trained on her.

  Where was Dan? Was he hurt? There was no time to go back for him, she knew she had to leave now or Mike would try to kill her. She had to protect her baby. Turning the key, she half-expected the ignition not to fire, but it exploded into life. She selected drive and pressed the accelerator to the floor, turning the wheel sharply to the left. Another shot rang out as she drove away and in the rear-view mirror she saw Dan pull Mike to the ground. She couldn’t leave him. She reversed back towards the cottage.

  ‘Leave, Esther! Just go! I’ll take the Land Rover and meet you at Rosgill,’ Dan shouted at her, waving her away.

  She swung the car back up the lane, the front wheels labouring to gain traction in the icy conditions. The main road was quiet. It was like the struggle at the cottage was happening in a different world. All the time, she kept checking the rear-view mirror, expecting to see the Land Rover behind her, but there was no sign of it. Keeping watch for the turn-off to Rosgill, she slowed the vehicle as much as she dared. Dan couldn’t be far behind her. She had to have a plan. Had to think about her next move. She was running out of options. Dan might be injured – or worse – but she couldn’t think about that now, she had to protect herself and her baby. Getting away from the Halt and from Dan was her best option – she had to go back down the glen, to Invergill, for help.

  Her mind raced. What a stupid fool she’d been. The knuckles of her hands shone white, so tight was her grasp on the steering wheel. She was vaguely aware that she’d clenched her jaw, shoulders rising as the cords in her neck tightened. She tried to relax, tried to force her shoulders back down, but her body refused to respond as the deep-seated anger she felt blazed through every cell in her body.

  Dan had brought all of this on her. Dan with his secrets.

  She should never have agreed to come here, to be uprooted. He didn’t love her – not the way he should and she’d always known that, deep down. Tears threatened to appear, but she held them in check, too angry to submit to self-pity. Her desire for revenge burned deeply within. Leaving him wouldn’t be enough. He’d follow her, apply to the courts for shared custody, maybe he’d even win. Thoughts tumbled across each other as she struggled to make sense of her emotions. She swung the nose of the car down the lane to the station. It looked just like it had a few hours earlier when she’d left, before she knew the extent of Dan’s betrayal and the depth of Mike’s hatred. Something in the air felt different; once again she had a feeling that someone or something was watching her. She’d been a fool to think she belonged here, and yet a small thought nudged at her subconscious. Perhaps this was exactly where she was meant to be. Perhaps it was Dan who was the intruder.

  O-nam, gho rehsh nA’tham.

  Saying the words aloud, she pushed all other thoughts away, trying to decipher the coded message. She hurried into the cottage and grabbed the carving from its hiding place in the sofa. It felt firm in her hands, unyielding. She traced the outline of the hares with her fingertips, feeling the notches where the whittling knife had scarred the surface. Closing her eyes, the sounds and smell of the forest invaded her senses. Cool spruce, scented ferns. Beetles chattered, mocking the posturing capercaillie.

  O-nam, gho rehsh nA’tham.

  Esther knew what she had to do.

  Opening the kitchen drawer, she picked up a book of matches and put them in her pocket along with the carving. She opened the door to the outside. There was still no sign of Dan, but she knew she had to act quickly before he turned up and had chance to stop her. For a second, she thought about retrieving the photographs and letters from upstairs, but decided against it. They were part of her past now, just something else she had to let go of and time was running out. Ignoring the pain radiating from her leg, she limped down the length of the platform to the store room. The petrol cans were exactly where Dan had left them on that first evening. It seemed so long ago and yet it was only a week. So much had changed. She had changed. There’d be time enough later to process it all, but for now she had to focus on escaping and keeping her baby safe. The containers were heavier than she expected and she let out a grunt as she lifted them up.

  She froze in place as she heard a vehicle pulling up outside. Blood pounded in her ears and she fought to control her breathing. She couldn’t risk Dan seeing her, stopping her. She glanced around and spotted the interconnecting door to the ticket office. Pulling the keys from her pocket, she tried a few of the larger keys in the lock, her fumbling fingers working against her. If she could just make it through the inside of the building without going out onto the platform, sh
e’d have a chance to stay one step ahead of him. She closed her eyes and focused, letting her subconscious take over. The keys in her hands began to vibrate so subtly that she wondered if she’d imagined it. She picked through each one, feeling for the key that would open the door, stopping only when the vibration dulled. Listening for Dan’s footsteps outside the door, she turned the key in the lock as quietly as she could. It opened. She pushed her shoulder against the door, ready to stop if it protested, but it swung open soundlessly. She opened one of the containers and sloshed most of its contents around the store room and ticket office, making sure she coated petrol over as much of the wooden racking and flaking surfaces as possible.

  ‘Esther!’

  Her heart jumped into her mouth. Mike! Where was Dan? Were they together? Maybe they’d both come after her. She hurried across the ticket office to the internal door on the other side of the room. From there, she’d have to go outside to get to the cottage. She tried the lock with the same key, raising her eyes in silent prayer that it was a master key as she’d hoped. She emptied the rest of the petrol can onto the floor and walls, and threw a match into the store room behind her. Instantly, the vapour caught light and she half-closed the door, containing the fire long enough to give her time to escape. She scurried across the ticket office to the waiting room, this time closing the door behind her fully.

  ‘Esther! Come out, come out, wherever you are!’ Mike taunted.

  The door handle rattled. It was locked. A dark shape loomed outside the window and instinctively she crouched down under it as Mike attempted to peer in through the acid-etched glass. Pain shot along her thigh and she had to put her hand over her mouth to stop herself from crying out. Tendrils of smoke snaked through gaps in the door frame. The paint on the inside of the door started to blister and the room started to fill with black smoke, acrid and choking. She had to make a run for it, before she was trapped. There was no sign of Mike. It was now or never. Grabbing the last full petrol can, she tried to open the lock from inside and dropped the keys in her haste. Slow down, slow down.