by N X Hunter
"Soluble aspirin."
"Oh," she said, letting the straw into her mouth and sucking down some of it.
She'd been expecting some kind of secret magical potion, of course.
"What happened? How did I get here?" she asked, her throat a little better lubricated now.
Rayna stood from the chair she'd been sitting in by the door and came to loom over her, next to James.
"It was fucked up. I have never seen the things do that before. Easiest fight I've ever had, to be honest - all we had to do was find the core. Nothing was even guarding it. It spooked me and Courtney, I tell you. We were looking for you, and we climbed up these trees and from the tops we could just see this mass - all these weird black creatures in one place, all going the same way. We knew we couldn't take them on and reach you, so we decided the best way to deal with it was to get to the core as fast as we could and end it. But it was in one of the trees and it took us a long time to find, even though we didn't have to fight a single thing, so we were like, surely she can't have gotten through that without falling to despair, right?"
"They... they don't usually do that?"
"Hell no! From up in the trees it looked like a current of them, all going to the same place. We have a couple of theories about what it might have been, right, James? But fuck, I'm amazed you can even talk sense, even I can't imagine being overwhelmed by them like that... Usually a new girl won't have to do much in their first fight, it's more just a, hey, look, here is a weird place and some funny looking bullshit monsters, have a play with your new weapon and let's have a bit of fun with it. We were at a disadvantage - a few disadvantages really - given we had to start from different places and couldn't coordinate beforehand, and given you and Courts hadn't even met yet, but even so, I was expecting it to be a good experience for you, maybe get you over some of your worries about it all, help you start to see the cool side of being a mahou shoujo. But fuck me... I can't even imagine what it was like."
It was the first time she'd seen Rayna so grave. The first time Rayna had seemed at all worried about her state of mind, too. It was disturbing, actually. Rayna's blase attitude had been one of the few things that had been almost reassuring so far, especially given what James had told her about her having already met the retirement criteria but choosing to fight on. Kitsuna had even been willing to believe that one day she too might see the lifestyle of a mahou shoujo as having some sort of merit. But the usual smirk and banter was gone, and this Rayna looked shaken.
"You have theories?" Kitsuna asked, looking at James but open to either of them answering.
"I do, but they really are just theories. We only ever really just have theories when it comes to these things, unless Illaria happens to have any insights," James said.
"Have you spoken to her yet?"
"No, given her time limitations and the fact we had no idea how long you'd need to rest up, or what state your mind would be in when you woke up, we felt like it was better to wait until you came round. I brought Ivy here though, she's in James's office with Soren," Rayna said.
"Here? So we're at the Academy?"
"Oh, yes, this is usually the nurse's office in the West Wing, but there aren't any staff around since the semester hasn't started yet and it's Saturday anyway. It seemed like the best place for you to wake up in, especially if you woke up all crazy and agitated and tried to bite us or something - there's sedatives and shit in here."
James looked wearily away from Rayna, although Kitsuna was glad to see a bit of the personality she was coming to know return. It was less disconcerting, somehow, if Rayna was talking about tranquing her than if she was acting all worried.
"Why don't you go and check in with the others, yeah? If Kitsuna's up to it, I think we could probably talk to Illaria straight away, rather than speculating on all this without her input any longer," James said, and Kitsuna got the distinct impression he was trying to get rid of the red haired girl.
I want to talk to him alone, too... I need answers, but I need that comfort he offered me, too. I feel so weird and empty. It's like I left something behind in that place. I don't want to lean on him like that, but I think I really do need some affection to make myself feel right again. And like he said before, someone who desires me is the easiest form of love to find...
"Yes, I'll be fine to talk to Illaria in a moment. Can I just have some time to... Finish my aspirin? Will you stay with me, James?"
Rayna raised an eyebrow.
"Anyone would think I hadn't been around men and mahou shoujo for a decade... Finish your aspirin, my ruby ass!" she smirked, "but yeah, I can tell when I'm a third wheel. Though, if things are going down with you two, do not break my brother's heart, OK? He's been all starry eyed over you since you showed up and passed out in the living room and I bet you can guess how I react to people dicking him over. If you aren't into him, tell him, if you are, well, I guess you can all come to whatever arrangement you like, you're all grown ups... But if you do anything to make him sad I'll get my magic sword, and shove it so far up your--"
"We get it, Rayna. And come on, is this really the time for the menacing sister routine? I'm sure Kitsuna wouldn't – "
"It's fine. I understand what she means. I promise, I'll sort things out with Soren, just, wait until I'm a bit more with it, if you don't mind?"
Rayna nodded, and then with a little wave, bounced out of the door as if she hadn't just threatened to do unspeakable things to her new team mate with a sword.
"So... want to know what my weapon is?" Kitsuna asked, suddenly feeling a little awkward now that they were alone, especially after Rayna had so blatantly lampshaded the fact that it had been obvious that that was what she wanted.
"Oh, save that for the talking cat - come here, I was so worried about you," he said, his voice a little shaky with emotion that he had been hiding while Rayna was with them.
He wrapped his arms around her and lifted her upper body up, holding her against him. Kitsuna's heart beat faster and stronger, as she let herself feel weak in his firm embrace.
Feelings suddenly flooded through her, and her breath caught in her swollen throat, causing her to sob. Tears were coming too, she could feel them prickling at her eyes even though she wasn't really sure if they were tears of relief, fear, frustration, or sheer exhaustion.
"I felt so empty I nearly lost my mind," she said, muffled against his chest as fat tears drenched her eyelashes and soaked in to his tight white shirt.
It sounded like such a corny thing to say, the kind of thing people just sort of said to convey a time they felt bereft or depressed, but it was the most literal way she could word what she had experienced.
"They feel like... I can't describe it even..." she sobbed, and James stroked her hair gently.
"I know. This is what makes our jobs so difficult. These things can't be understood or described, not properly. Generations of girls have tried, tried to help people like me who will never go there to know what these... I don't know, these entities are, so we can try to help somehow, or even so we can research how to put an end to the storms once and for all. But knowing their nature for real, that is something that you and all the other mahou shoujo can feel inside but can't sufficiently explain. It was always this way. Don't feel like you have to try, just let it out and I'll do my best to be there for you."
She was tired of trying to explain what she'd been through even in her own head, and so she gratefully took him up on his offer, and cried against his chest, her body shaking and heaving with every sore breath, while he stroked her back soothingly.
"You don't have to talk about it at all if you're not ready yet," he said softly, "we can talk to Illaria without you today, and you can rest here, and then, if you want, you can come home with me and I'll take care of you. We could curl up together and watch TV and talk about anything but mahou shoujo and Big Emptinesses, and you can take a big, long bath and fall asleep with someone next to you, keeping you safe. You have been through so, so much. It's enough that you're
still with us."
Kitsuna sniffed and contemplated what he'd offered. It would be so easy to say yes, to let him distract her and to wallow in his affection, to permit herself a vacation from the pressure and the horror. But could she really unwind like that?
"No, no I need to speak to Illaria. I don't think I'll be able to think about anything else if there's a chance she might be able to explain why things happened like they did..."
"I can understand that. You really are showing a quite frightening amount of strength, for someone who was willing to break their own legs to avoid being a mahou shoujo. It's important to refuel on the stuff that keeps you strong, though, always remember that."
"I'm not strong, I just need to survive this without losing myself, and I need to be armed with information if I am to feel like I have a shot at doing that. I'm still a coward, which is why I can't go into this blind again."
But even her voice had an edge of strength to it now she'd cried her tears.
"Though, after we've spoken to Illaria... I think I would rather go home with you and have the evening you suggested than go with Rayna back to our place, or worse, have her planned night out at the strip club... I really am very, very tired and she's... boisterous."
He pressed his lips to her forehead and held them there in an affectionate kiss.
"Of course. I promise to keep boistering to a minimum. That's not a word, I know... But yeah, I'll get you whatever you want to eat and I'm sure I've got some of those scented candle things you can have around the bath that my mom sent or something. I can get Rayna to bring some of your stuff over too, I live on the same street as the student accommodation building so it's no troub-- what is it?"
Kitsuna's face had crinkled into a worried frown when he'd mentioned her stuff.
"Oh, nothing, it's just, Rayna said it's Saturday earlier, right? With everything that happened I forgot, but I was supposed to go back to Astolat City today to get some more of my stuff from my friend's place. I really only brought a gym bag with me when I first came, I thought I had a clear two weeks to move in and get acclimated before my marketing course started."
Just saying the words 'marketing course' made it really hit her just how different her life here was going to be to what she had thought she was heading for when she'd said goodbye to Lee, asking him to take care of her things until the weekend when she'd start moving in properly.
She'd been staying at his place over the summer, since they both graduated from the boarding school where she'd lived since her mom died. He was going away too, to art school, where he was going to be studying how to be a tattoo artist. Not the usual kind, designing on a tablet so that the tattoo machine could apply the tattoo instantly, but the old, traditional kind, who literally drew their creations onto people's skin with needles. Kitsuna had never got why anyone would choose that old method (which took a long time and by all accounts hurt a lot), over modern, instant, painless tattoos, but Lee had told her that there was a market for it among people who wanted their body art to truly mean something, and to have a unique design another person had created just for them. He had done some on himself the old way - though he said it was obviously much better to have someone else do it, as he was quite limited when it came to the parts of his own body he could reach to draw on with any precision. She took his word for it that it was a good trade to get into it, and besides, at least there was something creative he was drawn to - if nobody wanted his tattoos he could just live on the UBI. At least he had a passion to study during his college years. Not something like marketing. She'd envied that about him. Now, however, she wouldn't be studying marketing at all, but becoming part of a secret network of magical defenders of humanity, so she hadn't ended up with the safe, dull option at all in the end, comparative to her best friend...
"Well, I don't think you should be going anywhere today. Tell them you'll deal with it another time - don't worry, we'll come up with a plan for that. The Academy has resources, we can just send a removal company over to Astolat to get your things and avoid the hassle for you if you want... Though, if I can give you some advice, it's that you do need friends. You said before that you felt isolated now because you can't talk to your friend the same way anymore now that you have secrets. I know that is hard, and it can feel like it's safer just to integrate here and be friends with people who know about you being a mahou shoujo, but for someone like you, someone with no family and no other connection to your past, it can be a hard road to walk without keeping those who used to be close to you in your life."
She nodded thoughtfully. It was true, she didn't want to lose touch with Lee, and when she thought about how things used to be with them back in school, she felt a twinge of longing. She missed him so much, already - only a couple of days had passed, but the changes in her life had put a gaping chasm between them that she wasn't sure how to reach across. James was right though - the support and assurance she was getting from people here, even the affection she was getting from him and the potential romantic desire from Soren, too, they weren't enough to get her power up - clearly, or her transformation wouldn't be so puny. She needed to make her existing connection with Lee strong, as well as forging new friendships with people like Rayna, and whatever romantic connections she was making with the new men in her life. She had a lot to compensate for, without the unconditional love of a family.
"I know what you mean, and, I will do it, I'll try and get back what I used to have with him. But I'm gonna need some guidance with how much I can and can't tell him - lying doesn't seem like the best way to feel close to a friend, but I'm sure that there are all kinds of terrible punishments for letting outsiders know too much..."
"Of course there are, you're catching on to this whole thing fast," he said with a wry smile, "although, thinking about it, there's actually only one punishment for just about every infraction within the mahou shoujo community, and that's incarceration. For life, of course. And not in a normal prison. So, we want to avoid that. There are conditions where you can get permission to bring someone in, but they require some serious vetting, and for the person in question to be willing to become a fully fledged part of our network - it's usually only done on the occasions where someone falls in love with someone from outside of the community and wants to have a future with them. Those occasions are rarer than you might think, too - the mahou shoujo themselves tend to find men from within the community are a better match, or other mahou shoujo, if they prefer girls, because well, as you figured out, keeping secrets at the start of a relationship is hard. As for the guys, well, as I told you, we're conditioned to find mahou shoujo especially attractive, and also, they just are, so we don't really look elsewhere. The conditioning doesn't work on gay guys, of course, given that all mahou shoujo are female and there's no hypnotic suggestion that is going to completely change a person's sexuality, but for the men who work here it can be a lot easier to keep the secrets from a partner without it causing a rift - who really cares that much about the details of their lover's day to day job? The men here just work at a college, so they can really choose with an outside love interest whether they want to just be vague about their work and let their partner be free of it all, or they want to bring them in."
"But, with people you don't want to bring in - friends and stuff - don't people just sort of, find out too much sometimes, without even trying?"
"Yes. And that is something we want to avoid at all costs. The person will be quarantined in our incarceration facility so they can't tell anyone else what they know, and the vetting process will be forced. If they are deemed a suitable member of the community, they will have no choice but to work for us - unless they want to stay in jail for life."
"And if they don't pass, I am guessing it's jail for life anyway."
"Exactly. You are a pleasure to teach, I have to say," he joked.
Well, I definitely don't want Lee to end up in that situation, and I don't want to bring him in either - he might be interested in the whole cool, magical
women who fight monsters club to begin with, he loves that kind of shit, but he already has a future planned out and as soon as you have anything to do with these people your own plans and dreams become completely irrelevant. I will have to be vague, but also in a way that doesn't stop us from being able to talk and confide in each other and have that kind of friendship...
How the fuck is that supposed to work?
Chapter 14
As it turned out, Illaria of the Void didn't have any better ideas as to why the monsters from the Big Emptiness had flooded toward Kitsuna than James's theory. She agreed that the most likely reason was that the form and behavior of the creatures was strongly influenced by the most prevalent state of mind among the mahou shoujo witnessing them, and that in the case of their team on this occasion, they were probably affected by the 'darkness' in the new girl who had come with so little power, and so much fear and loneliness.
"Why do you think you see weird food monsters sometimes, Rayna?" Illaria had asked.
"I don't know, I just thought the monsters were random, and just sorta looked like whatever stuff we might recognize, since our eyes can't make sense of their true forms, or whatever."
"No. They're not random, the way the whole party sees them is influenced by a strong mood in the group. When you see food monsters, it's because, as a veteran fighter, you're not really afraid or intimidated by the monsters anymore, so your general mood from the normal world isn't affected by what happens. To put it simply, you see them because you are hungry, very hungry, and the storm domains don't faze you enough to make you forget it. You are craving a meal so badly that that is the strongest emotion or mood in your group. I've only ever met a couple of girls like that... Simple people with simple needs."
Rayna had grinned, not minding at all that she'd been called simple by a telepathic ghost voice in a cat - being unfazed by the monsters was something she prided herself on.
"And so, the fact I was afraid and unsure, that made them look like vague, broken, twisted up things?" Kitsuna had asked.