Steering the Stars

by Doughton, Autumn

  Henry’s face compressed. “What do you mean? Doesn’t she like Miles?”

  I moaned. “I am not having this conversation with you. I’ve already stuck my nose where it doesn’t belong and that backfired like a mo-fo. So, you can count me out this time.”

  “What are you trying to say, Hannah?”

  “As Caroline’s best friend, I’m not saying anything. But as your sister,” I said with a deliberate wink, “I will tell you that I think you need to get your act together. You don’t want to miss out on the potentially best thing that’s ever NOT happened to you yet.”

  Henry shook his head and some of his hair went into his eyes. God, it really needed a trim. “That made no sense, Jellybean.”

  “It made perfect sense,” I defended. “You just weren’t listening the right way.”

  “Whatever,” he said as he turned away from me. “Girls are so freaking confusing.”

  “Boys are the confusing ones!” I shouted at him.

  Henry lifted one hand behind his back and flicked me off. He actually flicked me off…

  I bent over and scooped up one of the shoes strewn about the floor of my room and pitched it in his direction. Not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough for him to take notice.

  The shoe sailed across the room and I could tell it was going to nail him right on his butt, but at the last minute, Henry turned sideways and swung his hand out to deflect it.

  “Come on. You’re going to have to try harder than that,” he said through his laughter. He was now walking backward so that his eyes were on me.

  I tried another shoe and missed again.

  “I love you too,” he said.

  I stuck out my tongue and he laughed harder. Ugh, BROTHERS!

  When Henry was completely out of sight, I grabbed my phone off my nightstand and sent Caroline a quick text.

  You have some MAJOR explaining to do!

  Less than ten seconds later, my phone rang and I knew it was her before I even saw her name scrawl across the screen.

  “What were you thinking?” I cried in lieu of a hello.

  “I’m sorry! Are you mad at me?”

  “Mad? No, I’m completely blown away,” I told her. “I mean that. You saved the day, Care. Remember that parade I talked about? Well, I’m bypassing the parade and I’m going straight to having you declared a saint.”

  “Stop it.”

  “I’m not going to stop. I owe you my allegiance or my first born or something,” I said, smiling into the phone. “But, honestly, I still can’t quite believe you had the nerve to pose as me!”

  She laughed. “I had to, Hannah! It was so, so, so good. Probably the best thing you’ve ever written.”

  “Shush,” I said, feeling heat rise to my cheeks. “You really think so?”

  “Yes! You had me smiling and crying and…and... of course I wish you would stay here with me, but if Warriner can help you become the writer I know you are, then I’m happy to loan you out for now.”

  My chest constricted with emotion. “I still don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything,” she said solemnly. “That’s what friends are for.”

  ****

  “I can’t believe it’s already Thursday,” I said, rolling over onto my stomach and taking another handful of pretzel M&Ms.

  “What time is your flight in the morning?” Caroline asked.

  I made a face. “Like around eight.”

  “Yuck.”

  “Yuck is right. I’m so out of it already with the switch to Oklahoma time. Going back might make my internal clock combust.”

  We were watching a movie from the floor of my bedroom. Between us was a sea of junk food that included pretzel M&Ms, cheese puffs, Doritos, Twizzlers, and a pastry box packed with different kinds of donuts. Caroline aptly called it my “last hurrah” before going back to London. Because I was going back. My sister and I were on a morning flight out of Tulsa.

  Dad had been home for two days and, all things considered, he was doing great. The doctor had prescribed light medication, a new diet plan, and stress management, which basically meant less work and more relaxation. Like, a lot more.

  Yes, he’d griped about the kale smoothie Felicity and I had forced down his throat this morning and I could tell he was itching to check up on work because I’d caught him casting longing glances at his phone while Mom was trying to teach him breathing exercises. But, in the end, he’d resisted the pull and done the breathing like she’s shown him.

  “Tomorrow is going to be the worst,” Caroline commented as she shoved another cheese puff into her mouth. “You’re leaving and it’s opening night.”

  I felt a twinge. “I told you that I could stay another day!”

  She swatted at the air with one hand. “No, no! I didn’t mean it like that. It’s probably best if you don’t have to see it.”

  “Care, you don’t really think it’s bad, do you?”

  She thought about it for a while. “Well, I guess not. The last few rehearsals have been... okay. I mean, I haven’t tripped off the stage or fallen into the set.”

  “See? It’s the little things in life.”

  We both laughed. Then we heard a low knock and turned our heads toward the bedroom door to see Owen standing there.

  Caroline was all smiles for him. “Hey, stranger!”

  “Am I interrupting you guys?” he asked, looking between us.

  I was so surprised to see him that I didn’t answer right away. Then I realized that both he Caroline were waiting for me to answer and I jumped up and said, “No, you’re not interrupting us at all!”

  “I heard you were in town,” he started. “Your mom—she let me in.”

  “That’s great,” I said because I had no idea what else to say.

  Owen remained in the doorway shifting on his feet. There was a time when he would have walked right into my room without a question and plopped down on my bed or my desk chair. Now he seemed uncertain about whether or not he was even allowed in the hallway.

  Breaking the awkward quiet, Caroline got to her feet. “I’m going to run downstairs and see if there’s anything to drink. All this candy is making me thirsty.”

  Owen’s eyebrows came together. “No, Care, you don’t have to go because of me.”

  She shook her head. “I’m not going because of you.”

  It was obvious that Owen didn’t believe her. “I didn’t mean to mess up your girl time,” he mumbled, pointing his eyes at his sneaker-clad feet.

  She squeezed his arm as she walked past him and whispered. “You didn’t.”

  And then Owen and I were alone.

  “Come on in,” I said hoarsely and motioned him forward.

  He took two steps and stopped. It had been so long since we’d been in the same room that neither of us seemed to know what to do with ourselves. We just stood there. Breathing in and out. Looking at each other.

  Finally I quipped, “Well this isn’t awkward.”

  He smiled tentatively, showing me a thin strip of white teeth. “Not at all.”

  “So…”

  “So…” He gestured to the junk food on the floor. “What’s this all about? You guys packing it in for winter?”

  “Oh—” I chuckled nervously. “Caroline showed up about an hour ago with three grocery bags full of this crap and I took one look at all of it and said game on! I guess you could say it’s sort of like a going away present for me.” When he stayed quiet, I explained, “I’m heading back to London tomorrow.”

  “I figured you’d be leaving soon. Your dad’s doing okay?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. He just needs a change in lifestyle. More fruits and veggies, and less stress. He’s going to take it easier at work and focus on hobbies instead. You know, get more stargazing time in,” I said. “My mom’s even trying to talk him into taking classes at her studio.”

  Owen laughed. “Dance classes?”

  “Yep,” I confirmed with a smile. A real one this ti
me.

  “And we’re talking about your dad?”

  I shrugged. “People adapt.”

  “They do for sure.” Owen’s eyes met mine and we both realized that we weren’t just talking about my father. “Hannah…”

  But I wanted to speak first. I put my hand out until we were barely touching. “Owen, I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

  He closed his eyes. “It’s not your fault,” he said. “I put so much pressure on you to stay in Oklahoma and I now I see how wrong that was. What you wrote in that email was right. I was unfair and selfish. I forgot how I was supposed to love you. And I do, Hannah. I love you.”

  My eyes were full of tears. I put my hands on his shoulders and hugged him. He smelled like he always smelled—like laundry soap and body wash, and for a brief moment, it felt right. It felt safe to be in his arms again. But, I knew that I couldn’t stay there.

  I gently pulled back and I looked into his eyes and I told him the truth. “I love you too. Just not in the way that you want. And you deserve more than that—more than I can give. You deserve the whole package.”

  He nodded and smiled sadly. “I think I already knew that was true, but it’s good to hear you say it out loud.”

  We stood for a moment in a companionable silence and then I turned and pointed to all the junk food on the floor. “You can stay, you know. And help Care and me eat all this stuff.”

  “Like old times?”

  “Exactly.”

  Owen shook his head. “But it’s not old times, is it?”

  I knew what he was getting at. It was good to see each other and talk, but we couldn’t just pretend that everything was fine between us. We couldn’t go back to the way things were. But maybe…. maybe one day we’d find a new way. Because that’s how it works when you follow your heart. It might take you through twists and turns and ups and downs, but eventually, it leads you home.

  He hugged me once more and I stood in the doorway of my bedroom and watched him go. I was crying, but I was okay.

  Within a minute, Caroline reappeared. She was holding a package wrapped in bright blue paper and tied with a silvery purple bow.

  “You okay?” she asked.

  I shook my head. “No, but I will be.” I wiped my drippy nose and eyes. “What’s that?” I asked, meaning the present in her hands.

  “It’s a going away present.”

  “But you already brought me ALL of the junk food in the world. What more could a girl ask for?”

  Caroline flashed a mischievous smile. “Open it and see.”

  Curious, I took the present from her and tugged at the bow and paper. As the paper loosened, the objects inside started to shift and I realized that she’d wrapped a stack of smaller rectangular boxes.

  “What in the…” I laughed loudly. “Girl Scout cookies?!”

  She shrugged. “You said you needed them.”

  I looked at the boxes with wonder. “I can’t believe you! I didn’t even know it was cookie season yet.”

  “It’s not.”

  “Then how...?”

  Caroline smiled. “I have connections.”

  I laughed. “Connections? Like you know someone who knows someone in the cookie racket?”

  “Sort of… Actually, my neighbor is actually one of the troop leaders. The cookies aren’t out for another month or so, but she couldn’t turn down free babysitting. Not with her kids.”

  I hugged her with one arm, squishing the boxes between us. “Care, you are the best! If it wasn’t official before, it is now. Thank you.”

  Her arm came around me. “You’re more than welcome. I’m proud of you for going back and finishing what you started. You’re not a quitter, Hannah. And you don’t half-ass things.”

  I stepped away and smiled at her. “Except for squash. I half-ass squash.”

  This made her laugh. “Pumpkin is always the exception to the rule.”

  I looked down at the boxes of Girl Scout cookies. There were twelve of them. It looked like she’s gotten me one of each kind. “So, should we open them?”

  “Actually,” she said slowly. “I was thinking…”

  “Yeah?”

  “I know about this other American living in London…”

  My heart fluttered. “Joel?”

  She nodded. “He’d probably love to have some of these cookies. That is—if you’re willing to share.”

  To: Hannah

  From: Caroline

  Date: November 13

  Subject: Doom and gloom

  I just looked at my calendar and realized what day it is… It’s freaking Friday the 13th! I seriously cannot believe I didn’t catch it before. It figures that the musical would open today of all days.

  Do you think this is a sign that the universe hates me?

  ____________

  To: Caroline

  From: Hannah

  Date: November 13

  Subject: Re: Doom and Gloom

  Absolutely not! I think in some cultures Friday the 13th is actually GOOD LUCK. And even if it’s not—who the hell cares? The universe has nothing on you, Caroline McKain. Channel Katy Perry and just remember that you’ve got the eye of the tiger… you’re a fighter, you’re dancing through fire… you’re a champion and that audience is going to hear you ROAR!

  I wish that I was there to cheer you on but I know you’re going to do great :) They’re calling us to board the plane so I’ve got to run but we’ll talk soon! Text me when it’s over.

  Love you—-XOXO

  Hannah

  PS: Are you going to remember me when you get nominated for an Oscar?

  ____________

  Showtime was at seven. In her final pep talk yesterday, Mrs. Cobb had told us all to be at the school auditorium by six. I arrived over an hour early because I wanted—no, I needed—plenty of time to get ready and I was hoping that extra time before curtain call would help calm my frayed nerves.

  Emma and Kristin showed up half an hour later and were ready to do my hair and make-up. While they set to work on me, I closed my eyes and went over the lines and choreography in my head.

  “All set,” Kristin said as she put a final dusting of power over my nose.

  I opened my eyes and took in my reflection in the small mirror. I looked… Well, to be honest, I looked like an alien. I had never worn so much make-up in my life. My eyes were lined with heavy strokes of black kohl liner and my lips were bright red. And my hair was piled on top of my head and pinned into place with bobby pins with small flowers at the ends.

  “It seems like a lot,” I said, turning my face to the side so I could see my profile.

  Emma smiled and reached forward to adjust the collar of my dress. “We want to make sure everyone in the audience can see you!”

  “Oh… of course.”

  “Hey, we’re going to grab a quick bite before it starts. I think Sam said something earlier about ordering pizza. Do you want to come with us?” she asked.

  “I’m thinking I have a better chance of not puking on the audience on an empty stomach,” I told her only half-kidding.

  “Okay,” she laughed. “Do you at least want a drink or something?”

  “No, I’m okay. I think I’m going to go check out the set and, I don’t know, get in the zone I guess.”

  “All right! We’ll see you in a bit.” Kristin waved and she and Emma left.

  My long dress swished around my ankles as I made my way to the stage. The crew was there making some last minute adjustments but nobody paid me any attention. I stood center stage and looked out at the currently empty auditorium seats and tried to imagine what it would be like when they were full of people.

  It was a scary thought.

  “Are you nervous?”

  I turned to find Henry standing next to me with two cups of coffee in his hands.

  “Freaking out,” I admitted.

  “Here,” he said, handi
ng me one cup. “I thought you could use this.”

  “Thank you,” I said taking the cup into both of my hands and breathing in the scent. “Mmm, my favorite part of fall. I don’t know what I’ll do when it’s over.”

  “What do you mean?”

  I looked down at the cup. “Pumpkins are seasonal so once they’re gone…” I shrugged. “Then I have to wait forever.”

  “Be careful about forever,” he said. “It only happens once.”

  I laughed, but it came out kind of awkward. Were we still talking about coffee or had I missed something?

  “I’ll see you after the show, okay?” he said as he reached out and tucked back behind my ear a curl that had fallen loose from my updo.

  “Okay.”

  “Care, you’ll be amazing. Just remember to breathe.”

  If only it was that easy.

  I stood on the stage and drank my coffee a little while longer. When the crew started to disappear behind the curtains and the sound guys started testing the microphones, I knew my time was up.

  The dressing area had turned into a madhouse while I was gone. People were everywhere—primping and prepping for the show. I saw Miles across the room and we waved to each other.

  Kristin and Emma found me and checked my hair and costume one last time—this time being extra, extra generous with the hair spray.

  “We need to keep this wild mane of yours in check,” Kristin said as she shot my hair with another blast of her can.

  I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was a lost cause.

  Finally, Mrs. Cobb showed up. She put her finger to her lip to signal us to be quiet and then she directed us to the side of the stage. Once there, my nerves tripled in intensity. A wave of nausea hit me so hard and fast, I had to lean against the wall to try to regain my composure. Or, at least, what was left of it.

  “It’s normal to be nervous,” Miles said, stepping to my side. “It’s a good thing.”

  “How is this a good thing?”

  “It means you take it seriously. That it’s important to you.”

  “I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous about anything in my entire life,” I told him.