Ummath

by Sharmila Seyyid

  During these preparations, Yoga was commanded to remain as in obtrusive as possible. Yoga should never cross their paths when they came. If by some chance that did happen, she should not utter a word. They will manage the explanations. On the day they were to come, Akka told her this at least four times in an hour.

  ‘Everything will be alright if this wretched creature obeys what we’ve been telling her. Pay attention! Don’t you dare ruin this day, do you hear me? They’ll back off if they realize we have a Tamil Tiger in our family. If they do happen to see her, we’ll just say we have provided this hapless creature with refuge. Has everyone understood this?’

  Vathsala kept reiterating her command agitatedly as she seemed wholly convinced that the wedding would not happen if, even by chance, they happened to catch sight of her crippled sister.

  That day, the entire household was in festive spirits. Yoga’s brothers too had shut shop and come home. Chitti and Chittappa had come from Batticaloa. Poovarasu Maama, affectionately known as Siththandi Maama, Maami and their children had also come. The arrangements were so splendid that it made one wonder whether this was the actual wedding and not merely a precursor to it.

  Her brothers steered clear of Yoga’s room. None of the excitement touched Yoga in any way, although she longed to go out and take a look at them. The boys had grown up under Vathsala’s wing and she meant everything to them. Perhaps they had even forgotten that they had an Akka called Yoga.

  Kala came in, dressed in a silk sari and bedecked with ornaments. Yoga was afraid to bless her in case she jinxed the proceedings.

  ‘You look so beautiful, my dear. I’m afraid of evil eyes falling upon you … If Akka and Amma see you here they will kick up a fuss. Please go, go…’

  She turned Kala around by her shoulders, and pushed her out of the room, holding back her tears.

  Things worked out just as Vathsala and Senthooran hoped. Both parties were very happy and gave their consent to the wedding. Kala’s happiness was evident by the sparkle in her eyes and the smile playing on her lips.

  After the groom’s party left and the ‘seeing the girl’ ceremony was done, people streamed in for the ‘seeing Yoga’ ceremony. Chittiand Chittappa were the first.

  ‘It’s all destiny,’ said Chitti, indicating an imaginary line on her own forehead. ‘You should have been married by now and living with your husband and kids. If it hadn’t been for your own foolishness …hmmm…’ Chitti patted her head as she said this she said in pseudo concern.

  When she was little, Yoga just adored Siththandi Maama. Every time he visited, he would hand over a bag of goodies specifically to Yoga and not the others. It would invariably contain candy, sweetened balls of flour and rusk biscuits.

  ‘Why, Maama, why do you give it all to Yoga?’ her vociferous siblings would protest.

  ‘She isn’t quarrelsome or selfish like the rest of you. Just watch, she’ll divide it equally among you without giving herself the lion’s share.’

  And Yoga would do just that. She would count the number of pieces of each item. Then divide it by six to give a share each to Akka, Kala, her little brothers, Vithu, Thushi and Ananthu and one for herself. ‘Have I divided all the goodies correctly, Maama?’

  As she would ask him that with a laugh, he would laugh, caress her head and reply, ‘Absolutely right, my little darling. You are doing well with your maths at school, it seems…’ and caress her head and laugh.

  When she heard Siththandi Maama’s voice, she wanted to run to him, afraid that he would go away without seeing her.

  He shouldered his way in through the door with a smile. ‘Yoga, my dear … how are you, da?’ He embraced her affectionately.

  ‘My dear, what’s the point in crying now? Consider everything that’s happened a bad dream and forget it, ma. There’s nothing wrong now. You’re home safe with your Amma and you have Amma, Kala and all the others … What more do you need? Be happy, da.’

  His affection overwhelmed and overset Yoga. She sobbed on his chest.

  She didn’t complain to him about the treatment meted out to her by Amma and Akka, because she realized that would only increase Vathsala’s bitterness and rancour.

  ‘It must be difficult to be cooped up in the house all the time, ma. I’ll speak to your Amma to let you stay with us for some time in Siththandi. It’ll be a nice change for you.’

  Maama’s conversation and affectionate embrace came like a breath of fresh air after the miasma of her mother and sister’s resentment. She wanted him to take her with them, but was afraid to voice this out loud.

  Maama’s unconditional love reminded her of Sathuriyan. If only Sathuriyan had fetched her as he had promised, she needn’t have wasted away like this. Nevertheless, she also felt that his love was worth the wait.

  But where was he and what has happened to him? Is he looking for me? Could he have been killed in the last skirmish?

  No…that couldn’t be!

  Was he locked up somewhere as a prisoner of war?

  ‘Don’t keep worrying unnecessarily, ma. God will take care of everything…’

  His words consoled her, although he didn’t know what she was thinking about. It was like he had read her mind.

  The house that had been full of good cheer for a few hours, was once again calm and quiet after everyone had left. Kala came in bearing a tray of savoury snacks and sweets.

  ‘Eat Akka, everything was made at home … It must be ages since you ate snacks like these.’

  Kala sat by Yoga’s side nibbling on a murukku. She had lots of news to share with her Akka – her impression of the groom and his family which was soon to be hers as well and the wedding. She wanted to have a detailed discussion of everything with her dearest sister.

  ‘We got to eat all these things over there.’

  ‘You mean these snacks? They gave you all these at the LTTE camp?’

  Kala was truly surprised because as far as she was aware, the Tigers were always on the run and wary of every move they made. Food was never their priority, eating whatever they could and whenever they could in the jungles that they inhabited; that they could get snacks like these was amazing indeed.

  ‘There was no shortage of food, you know. We had all sorts of sweets and savouries, even milk payasam. Especially during New Year, Pongal and Deepavali we’d get loads of this stuff. On Anna’s birthday, we’d get individual packets of assorted foreign chocolates, sweets and other stuff. Whenever Anna paid us a visit, he’d come with goodies.’

  ‘Anna? Who is this Anna, Akka?’

  ‘Our leader. All of us called him Anna. He was the universal older brother to the Tigers.’

  ‘Then why did some of the Annas of the Movement raid people’s homes without leaving even a morsel for the inhabitants.’

  ‘Those incidents occurred occasionally. While travelling through the forest, an unexpected attack by the army could delay our arrival at our destination camp. We’d run out of food and supplies while we waited until the coast was clear. Only in such conditions would they resort to doing things like that. Otherwise there was no shortage of food, clothes or anything else.’

  ‘Oh…All this is news to me. So, what did you not get there?’

  Yoga did not answer and merely smiled in answer to this question asked in all innocence.

  ‘No Akka, tell me, what did you not get there?’

  ‘We got everything but what I truly longed for. My mother’s lap. This affectionate talk from you, this blood bond, there was none of that there.’

  She stopped as her words slurred.

  ‘Oh God, Akka! Don’t shout! I asked a stupid question!’

  ‘Instead of talking about what I had come to talk to you about, I have upset you, Akka. Please don’t cry, Akka … Amma or Akka might come.’

  At these words, Yoga composed herself. Although Yoga wept because she had lost her mother’s love long before the war, Kala was mortified believing that she had asked a stupid question that had made her poor sister
cry.

  Yoga firmly believed that if she had been given love and affection she would never have joined the Tigers and therefore never blamed herself for having taken that desperate step. Her joining the Tigers had been ordained by fate and powers beyond her control.

  ‘Forget all that, Akka, and leave it in your past. Now, in the present, don’t you want to ask me whether I like this alliance or not and what the others were like?’ she asked shyly, hoping to steer Yoga’s train of thought in another direction. She wanted to share the excitement of her new experiences with her favourite sister.

  ‘All of them seemed to be really nice. He’s their only son and they want him to marry a girl of his choosing, which is why they have come forward on their own, looking for us. I believe he turned down a number of matrimonial offers from affluent families!’

  Kala rattled on in this vein about her future husband and his family.

  ‘Did you like the boy? Did you get a good look at him?’

  That was the only question that Yoga wanted to ask. At Arivagam, when she had relieved her solitude with reading, she had gleaned one important lesson – getting the right companion in life is the equivalent of getting everything one’s heart could ever desire.

  She had already met the man who had promised to rescue her. She was waiting for that wonderful moment when she would give herself to him.

  ‘Our brother-in-law, who knows the groom, arranged for me to see him in the temple. Somehow, Akka, I feel that this will work out. I liked his family, and I do believe that they liked me as well.’

  Amma came in then, having finished her work in the kitchen, all set to go to bed. Kala immediately stood up and shook out her mat, as if she had been preparing to go to bed all along.

  ‘Why aren’t you asleep yet and what was all the whispering about?’

  Neither Yoga nor Kala responded to Amma and she switched off the light and went to bed.

  Yoga and Kala followed suit.

  Kala tossed and turned, unable to sleep. As always, Yoga lay awake thinking of Sathuriyan. The thought that perhaps he was killed in the war occasionally arose in her mind, but her heart would dismiss it instantly.

  ‘Nothing can happen to him. He must come to this very house looking for me, link hands with me in front of these people who call me a wretched, ill-omened creature and take me away. Every moment of our lives together should yield delight.’

  Thoughts of Sathuriyan fanned out in her mind like the ripples on a lake.

  ‘Wait for me,’ he had said, ‘I’ll come and take you away.’

  But, what if he did not?

  Yoga couldn’t bear to even think such a thing.

  How long could she live like a prisoner in this house where she wasn’t even considered a human being?

  As soon as Kala, the only support that Yoga had, left for her own new world of husband and in-laws, she would be too busy to give a thought to her crippled sister’s fate.

  ‘Why should I remain here as a reminder that I am the curse upon this family?’ wondered Yoga. She could not sleep. She cried within herself. She was longing for the hands that would come and wipe her tears, the shoulders against which she could lay her tired head and the lap on which she could lay down the burdens that weighed down her heart.

  Sorrow, longing, disappointment, frustration, shame and loneliness clawed at her heart.

  She looked at her Amma and Kala who were sound asleep.

  Kala was very innocent. Her heart was free of blemishes and had Appa’s good qualities.

  Amma – a poor creature, forced to tether one of her calves in a dark corner and starve it of love and nourishment, so that her other little calves could prosper.

  But Amma was fully aware that she would reap nothing even if she sowed the seeds of affection in her heart towards this lame creature.

  Burdened with these thoughts, Yoga managed to doze off in the small hours.

  Yoga had not seemed particularly keen on attending the meeting at Sahayawathani’s home the next day, but Kala was determined that her broken prosthesis be replaced.

  ‘Your Vathsala Akka will object to this. Why ask for trouble?’

  ‘But, Amma, isn’t Yogakka’s state pitiable? Don’t you even think about how she must be feeling? After Vathsalakka leaves for work, Yoga and I will go, and she won’t know about it if we don’t tell her. Past the next street is a four-road junction. We cross over to the opposite side and turn left. It’s the fourth house on that lane.’

  Yoga was asleep and therefore unaware of this conversation between Amma and Kala.

  ‘I knew it! When I heard you whispering to each other last night, I knew you were up to something … What meeting? What nonsense! Just mind your own business.’

  Amma had raised her voice and Kala lost her patience.

  ‘Why are you so stone-hearted, Amma? So, you overheard us talking about this last night. What about it? If you dislike her so much, why did you bring her home? You could have abandoned her there! You and Akka treat her so badly … You have forgotten your promise to Appa. Is this what he meant when he said you should take her in whenever she comes back home?’

  Kala had never defied Amma like this. Her tender heart had broken when Yoga had wept over her persecution at the hands of her sister and mother. Showing sympathy then, she knew, would have only plunged Yoga into a deeper depression which was why she had moved on to more cheerful topics. She was aware that Yoga craved her mother’s love and affection. How long should a person be punished for the same crime? Weren’t many others to be blamed for Yoga getting dragged into the conflict? She had paid the price by suffering the loss of her leg during the war and had grown hopeless and diffident. The situation seemed to have come full circle and Yoga was back in square number one and in the same condition that she had been in when she left to join the fighting. Feeling unloved and resented by her near and dear ones was what had driven her to join the legions of the Tigers. She was once again in the same hostile environment in her home.

  ‘Even if you cannot be kind and comforting to her, Amma, you can at least try not to add to her sorrow.’ Kala’s talk was interrupted by a screaming outburst from Vathsala.

  ‘What, Kala, is your mouth getting too big for you? Has she ever talked against us like this, Amma? That lame wretch is to be blamed for making a rebel of Kala as well. Look at what she has to show for having had the audacity to go to war; she stands bent and crippled. And now, is it your turn? Why do you start this war dance here now?’

  Kala clammed up. She too was terrified of Vathsala Akka’s vitriolic tongue.

  ‘Say it … why do you bother Amma early in the morning? What’s your problem?’

  Kala remained silent.

  Amma spoke up, replying to Vathsala’s query. ‘There’s a meeting being held somewhere to which she wants to take Yoga. She wants to get her a new prosthesis.’

  Yoga had woken up during this commotion.

  ‘Are you mad?’ shrieked Vathsala. ‘The groom and his family came to see you only yesterday and you’re going to meet him again tomorrow at the temple. At a time when so many good things are happening, what if someone sees you with that ill-omened creature in town?’

  Yoga was sitting up in bed rubbing the sleep from her eyes, when Vathsala leapt into the room, gnashing her teeth in anger.

  Kala followed her in, pleading tearfully, ‘No, Akka, she did not ask this of me. I felt pity for her and—’

  Vathsala grabbed Yoga’s neck with both hands and shook her before administering a stinging slap on her cheek. She looked like someone who had waited for this revenge all her life and had at last met the enemy who had completely destroyed her life.

  ‘Don’t Akka…don’t beat her. I’m the one to blame. Please let her go, Akka!’ Kala fell pleading at Vathsala’s feet.

  ‘Why is all this happening, God? Why has this once quiet and peaceful house become like this?’ was Pathma’s loud lament.

  Senthooran who had just returned after dropping the kids off a
t school, heard his mother-in-law’s wail from the street and rushed in, in panic. He relaxed when he realized that it was the usual drama and not some unforeseen calamity.

  ‘We had warned everybody many times that this would happen if we took her in, but nobody paid any attention,’ he grumbled.

  Yoga remained silent and still. She did not cry, not even when she was slapped again and again. She felt that this was fated to happen to her. Vathsala continued her tirade.

  Kala could just not bear it. She could not understand Vathsala and her Amma’s loathing. She was filled with guilt at having inadvertently increased her hapless sister’s suffering.

  ‘Who told her about this meeting?’ demanded Vathsala. Yoga and Kala exchanged glances. As Senbagam’s husband had forbidden his wife from interacting with Yoga, Senbagam would be in hot water if they revealed her name at this juncture.

  By now Senthooran and Vathsala were taking turns to scream at Yoga for having turned their home into a living hell.

  ‘This is becoming impossible! We cannot continue like this. Now she has got her tentacles into our own dear Kala, who was always like a baby playing around our feet. Tomorrow she’ll probably take control of our kids as well and turn them against us. We cannot sit here twiddling our thumbs; we have to send her away to an orphanage or something.’

  ‘Was I born in such a cruel place?’ marvelled Yoga. ‘Why did I bother to return? Couldn’t the Movement have stayed alive to at least house people like me who had nowhere to go?’

  Her body shaking, she stood powerless to do anything. She could do nothing to ward off the cruelty being meted out to her, but she resolved to save herself.

  At the most unexpected moment, it happened!

  Using the walls as a prop, Yoga hopped her way towards the kitchen moving swiftly. Before they could figure out what she planned to do, she was already out of the house, hurrying towards the well.

  Only Kala leapt up and followed her.