by Leanne Davis
His hands stayed on her for minutes. They drifted down to the tops of her thighs, making her tense up again before he finally shifted upwards and returned to more innocent territory. He was back up by her shoulders for twenty minutes, working out the thick knots of tension her muscles stubbornly retained. She moaned and groaned with delight, relaxing the most when his hands were north rather than south. But again, he descended, rubbing, kneading, and stroking her muscles from around her neck and clear down to her calves as well as everything in between. Darkness filled the room, helping her relax. Her eyes opened as she finally gave herself over to his touch. His unsexual touch. It felt nice. Almost heavenly. Enough to make her moan with pleasure.
He came back to her, sliding his hand up the back of her shirt. She stiffened but soon ordered her brain to relax. He was her boyfriend, and he liked to touch her bare back. He rubbed her with just his fingertips barely gliding over skin. It drew up all the blood into her skin and made her feel an odd, tingling sensation. She was starting to stir. Something new for her. He lay down at the side of her, resting his face right next to hers. Leaning over, his lips touched hers. She kissed him back and her mouth opened, letting his tongue inside gently, carefully feeling her out. He slowly released her mouth.
“Tell me about it.” His voice was a soft whisper. Her eyelids fluttered open. He was close and the shadowy light let him see most of her face.
She sighed. “I can’t relax.”
“And?”
“I just get all tightened up and I have to tell myself to relax. Enjoy it. Want it. Relax some more. But the more I think about it, the less I can. The more I think about what I should be doing, and how I look and sound…”
“How should you sound?”
Her shoulders bounced up and down. She could not believe she was discussing this. She tucked her face into his pillow. “I can’t discuss it.”
“Well, you already were. You don’t like to make sounds?”
She shrugged.
“I’ll take that as no. So don’t do it then.”
“But don’t you need to hear the sounds… or whatever?”
“The thing I need the most is for you not to freeze up at my touch. I don’t need anyone narrating it for me. You do realize, I hope, that I figured it out pretty quickly last time. Something was off-sync with your sounds and your physical reactions. So don’t make any sounds.”
A smile crossed her face. “I just can’t relax,” she finished, feeling lame. No words could describe what she went through. Or why she couldn’t react normally.
His arms wrapped around her. She was startled to find his arms under her and her entire body being pulled against his. “Tell me what you think about. What worries you?”
“I worry about how I look. If I’m touching the right way or… or if you’ll think it’s too much or too little…”
His head nodded. “So you can’t stop thinking and it keeps you from feeling anything?”
“Maybe.”
“Have you ever tried it on yourself?”
“Yes. Nothing. I don’t really like to touch… down there.”
He was silent for a moment. “With your hand?”
“Yes.”
“What about a vibrator?”
“No.” She shuddered, and looked completely embarrassed. “Not my thing.”
“Actually, I think it would be the best thing. Ebony loved hers.”
“What? Even after you were married?”
He chuckled, his chest bumping up and down under her head. “Yes. Before… after… she said it could do some things for her that no person could.”
“You weren’t offended by that?”
“No. I wasn’t. I masturbated, so why shouldn’t she?”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“Well, that’s the thing. We are. And it’s just a thought, but maybe you should spend some time alone with one. When no one can see you or bother you, and try to relax and… you know, just see what it’s all about. See what you like. Try whatever feels good to you. Don’t make sounds unless you want to. I’m not trying to be funny or gross or to embarrass you, Tara. I think you need to figure out what feels good first, before anyone else can ever stand a chance.”
“What? You wanna watch me or something?”
“Well... Sure, if you want me to.” He laughed and caught her hand as she lifted it to smack his arm. He rubbed his fingers over hers, adding, “I don’t need to watch you; you have to figure out how to relax and just let it happen. It’s important, like physical exercise.”
“Important to you, maybe.” She rolled her eyes.
He suddenly flipped her onto her back and half covered her chest, putting his face directly above hers until he was staring down at her. “Yes. It is.” She could feel him getting hot and hard against the side of her leg. “I want to have sex with you. And for you to want it too, and to enjoy it with me. It’s a huge part of any relationship. And I want that for you, and me.”
He leaned down and kissed her long and hard. Then he stopped. Releasing her, he flopped down next to her.
“It sounds to me like you’ve never had a place in the world where you felt safe or loved or wanted. I’m trying to convey that to you now that you are here. Right here, you have all those things. Not just with me, but also my son. So if you’re ever here, including being in my bed, and you ever want to experiment and learn about yourself, there’s one in the bottom nightstand. I keep it in a lock box. Combination is fifteen right, fifteen left, and fourteen right. I don’t want Wyatt to accidentally stumble upon it.”
She scrunched her face up and her entire body recoiled. “I don’t want to use your wife’s…”
“It’s not hers,” he interrupted her, his tone sounding sharp. “I bought it. For you.”
Tara was embarrassed, horrified… and oddly touched. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t have to know. I just want you to think about it. Today, tomorrow, maybe next year… if you ever think it could help you… and also, remember this: I don’t need you to do anything. Just be present when you’re with me.”
She closed her eyes. “No commentary? No expectations?”
He leaned over and pushed the hair off her shoulder as he cupped her face. “None, Tara. I think you’re beautiful and lovely and there isn’t anything I expect or need or would embarrass you with, okay?”
Tears unexpectedly filled her eyes. Any other guy who bought her a vibrator would have made it the grossest, most egocentric present she ever heard of, but not Ryder. She began to see it was much more about her. Her feelings. Her lack of self-love. Both emotional and physical. “It’s oddly the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.”
He sighed. “There you go. Chipping away at my heart again. I love you so much, Tara. If I could just make you realize how much love I have for you, I’d never need anything else.”
She sucked in a deep breath. “That’s twice now.”
“What? That I said I love you?” She nodded, and her gaze clung to his as she strove to understand him. But it was so hard. “That makes it three times now. Look, Tara, I’m sure of how I feel and why. It doesn’t embarrass me in the least to say it out loud. I think you feel the same way and that’s why I like to say it to you.”
“You don’t know all about me.”
“That’s true, I don’t. I know you, however. The shy, sweet, reserved, serious person that you are. I think I even get you now.”
“I don’t know…”
“You don’t have to know. But you could just let me love you. That doesn’t require anything in return from you.”
“Tell me something, when does it become about you?”
He laughed and tugged her closer to his chest, once again enfolding her in his safe, warm embrace. He was right. She did feel safe, like she had finally landed in a place she could trust. “Right now. Every moment I spend with you. I get it back from you. I don’t need you to say it.”
She squeezed her ey
es shut. He was simply too good to be true. She should pay him back by letting him have sex with her. She wanted to make sure she didn’t lose him now that she’d finally found someone who was good, decent, funny, caring, intelligent and…
He cut her off. “Good night, Tara.”
****
They started out small and let it grow slowly. Each night she stayed there, Ryder rubbed her back often, going up and down her butt, legs and back until she melted and became all gooey from the warm sensation on her skin. Once, his hand dipped between her legs and he rubbed along her opening. She tightened up reflexively and squeezed her inner thighs. He instantly stopped and came back up to her shoulders. He kissed her over and over, rubbing his hands on her breasts and landing on her waist. She didn’t hate the sensations. She placed his hand on her breast and he ducked under her shirt, tugging and rolling her nipple in his fingertips. She found herself immediately chanting: relax, relax, relax. He sensed something and stilled with his mouth on her breast. He lifted up just enough to mutter, “Maybe don’t relax. Maybe get all tense; maybe you should just let your body do whatever it feels like.”
How did he know? She never said it out loud. He removed his hand and lowered his head to keep kissing her. She closed her eyes and stopped trying to relax. She let her body stay all tensed up. She quit thinking as she pulled his hand back to her body. “Here. Just touch me here,” she said after a few minutes. He put his hand back on her breast and she stayed quite tense, but she also trusted him to only touch her there.
She didn’t come, but she wasn’t wishing he would stop either. That was a step of progress for her. Trust, it seemed, did change everything.
For several nights in a row, they only kissed and she actually enjoyed it. He kept his hands on her breasts and above. Her nipples started to get hard and she enjoyed it very much but she didn’t say a word. That’s because she didn’t have to. Finally, she could just be there in the moment.
His body grew so hot at times, she feared it would explode the longer they made out and resisted going any further. She was aware he often took matters into his own hands. One night, after a long, heavy session of kissing and touching her, she gasped and her mouth hovered just above his. “Ryder, just let me touch you. I know I can make you feel better.”
He groaned and lowered his head onto her shoulder but finally nodded as he rolled over to her side. “I’m sorry,” he muttered, covering his eyes as if he were too embarrassed to face her. It made her heart melt a little bit. All these days were spent learning all about her and he felt guilty when she offered to relieve him. Her hand slid down over his stomach. His muscles rippled and quivered at her delicate and unfamiliar touch. She touched his hot, hard, stiff penis. He groaned, pushing his hips up towards her. She rolled the top of her thumb on the ridge of his penis and pre-cum came out. She pumped him back and forth, lifting up high enough so her chest smashed into the side of his as she took his mouth in hers. It didn’t require much, only a matter of minutes before he came, all hot and wet on his stomach, from her hand. He kept kissing her as his orgasm rocked through him until he released her. She moved off him and he got up to go to the bathroom to clean up. When he came back, he sat down on the side of the bed and leaned forward, dropping his head in his hands.
She got on her knees and came up behind him, resting her forearms on his shoulders. She kissed the side of his face. His hand came up to grip hers, pulling it close to his mouth before kissing her. “I thought I could…”
Her heart melted. He actually felt guilty. Abandoning her usual reserve, she slid around to his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. “I think… I love you, Ryder.”
He snapped up and his eyes flashed open. “Because of this? This is what makes you know that?”
She smiled. “Yes. How hard you tried. How much you care… how tender you are. No none’s ever tried as hard as you do to make me… happy.”
He held her tightly in his arms. “And you just did the same to make me happy. It’s not like I want to do this when you don’t like it.”
“You’re kissing me, and touching me a lot is allowing me to figure this out. It’s not like you can turn off all that’s normal to you. You want to be with me?”
He didn’t hesitate. “More than anything.”
“Even more than someone who is easier and much more satisfying to have sex with?”
“Yes.”
“What if it never changes? What if this is it? What if I never progress more than just liking to kiss you, or mild petting, and never the rest? Nothing? What then, Ryder? You can’t go on being punished by my hang-ups. Not when we can solve it so easily. We can still have sex.”
“With you just tolerating it?”
She shrugged. “It doesn’t feel quite like that. Being with you isn’t like normal. It feels like so much more with you. Like… like it’s an act of love, you know? Like I could give you that.”
He closed his eyes, sighing. “Yes, you could give me that. Okay, maybe. I’ll think about it. But there is no hurry, and no timeline. We can still just go as far as you actually like.”
Somehow, he made it far easier to like it more with him. Especially when he tried in earnest to please and seduce her. It wasn’t just what he did in bed, but also out of bed. He never ceased to make her feel special. He so easily incorporated her into his life, including the time she spent around his son. He looked at her if she were the loveliest person he ever laid eyes on.
Finally, she found herself alone in his bedroom. He was called out to a car accident involving a deer. He was going to take the deer carcass to a nearby shelter so the meat wouldn’t go to waste. Wyatt was still in bed. He asked her to stay with him and she agreed to, of course. She stared at the lower nightstand drawer and glanced at the door, then back to the drawer. She felt like a damn bomb was inside her, ready to explode. Thinking of all the things he said and did for her. Couldn’t she try it once for him? No. NO! That’s what always led to the tension and mind control she detested. She always did stuff for others or let the wishes of others infiltrate hers. No. This was strictly for her. Her mind. Her body. Her right to be normal and feel all the things that were, if all the accounts she read were true, pretty powerful stuff.
She got up and locked the bedroom door. Checking it three times before she put on soft music to drown out everything else, she went so far as to wear earphones so she couldn’t hear anything besides the music. She plunged the room into darkness for her own comfort. She wasn’t ready for light to shine on this subject. She opened the drawer and slowly pulled out the lock-box. She clicked the combination in and it opened right up. She saw a gun and… and a vibrator. She was startled at seeing the gun but remembered him saying he had one in there. Obvious. Duh. She knew he had two rifles, three shotguns, two handguns, and a collection of old shotguns he inherited when his grandfather died. They were all locked up in his gun safe downstairs. He was unfazed by guns. But she wasn’t. She shook off her fear, thinking it wasn’t loaded and could not hurt her. Finally, she lifted out the sex toy and nearly burned up when she touched it.
He really bought this for her? She imagined him at the store, picking it out and paying for it. The image made her both laugh and cringe. Yes, he’d do that for her. She knew that now. She clicked it on and the thing went crazy, making her whole hand tremble. She stared at it, somewhat puzzled. How could this be sexy?
Lying on the bed, she tried feeling her breasts, but nothing happened. She sighed. Smashing start. She picked up the gizmo and set it snugly between her legs. Nothing. She moved it around, adjusting it. Letting it rev harder against her. Nothing. As if this could work? Sighing, she tried bending her knees and began rolling her eyes at her stark lack of skill. She inserted it and moved it around. Everywhere until… she suddenly jolted. There was… something. A sensation. Something… not terrible. She moved the thing around until she found the spot again and let it rest there. Oh, right there. Her eyelids fluttered and her heart sped up. Her blood started swirling
faster. Was this… it? Was this actually happening?
And that was that. It all stopped. She sighed. Pressure. Anytime she started to worry about “it,” the sensation, stopped. She bit her lip, feeling more resolute now. She started to feel something. There was still hope. There was a spark. Maybe not this time… but maybe with more time, it would happen. She closed her legs and pulled on her underpants and sweats again. She cleaned the vibrator before locking it back up and closing it away in the drawer. Sighing, she turned off the music and unlocked the door, listening for Wyatt, only to hear the TV downstairs. Startled, her entire face burned up. Shit. Ryder was home. He would have come up to the room and must have tried to come in… and shit! He couldn’t because the door was locked and no one would’ve answered if he knocked because of the headphones she was wearing. He’d… he’d have to know. He wasn’t stupid.
She sighed as she tromped down the stairs and kept her gaze down when she entered the living room. Ryder sat on his recliner with the foot rest pulled up. He glanced up at her and smiled. “Hey.”
“Hi,” she answered shortly. “How long… how long have you been home?”
At least she knew he hadn’t heard any sounds from her, but she wondered if he heard the stupid little device humming away.
“Just a few minutes.”
“I was… I was…” She couldn’t speak. No. Part of why she was so frigid. She could not get comfortable with the subject, no matter how much she tried to.