by Leanne Davis
At an early age and straight on into her teen years, she learned how to react like the typical adolescent. Her mother’s constant nagging and criticism resulted in her having a small appetite. She ate very little and eventually became so sick she had to be hospitalized. For Tara, that was a breaking point. Her wakeup call, but not like most would think. It was never about food for her. She didn’t need to learn how to eat again and not starve herself. No. Her stay in the hospital taught her that her family truly didn’t give a damn about her. She realized then that their neglect would eventually kill her. She had to get away from them or she’d simply waste away. Not long after she was released from the hospital, she left home for good. Forever, she vowed. And the truth was, she had never waffled on that proclamation and decision.
Ryder’s story evoked a comparison between herself and Ebony. Tara also burned the bridge with her family, but still, it wasn’t the same.
Most evenings, Ryder took Tara home around eight so Wyatt could get to bed on time. On weekends, he went to bed closer to ten, but Tara and Ryder were careful not to cross any lines in front of him. Wyatt considered Tara his and he liked her. Once in a while, Ryder held her hand or kissed her cheek, forehead or lips in front of Wyatt. But nothing more intimate.
It was Friday night and Ryder asked Tara, “Why don’t you stay over tonight?”
“What? What about Wyatt?” Tara’s nerves started fluttering in an old, familiar pattern that she hadn’t endured for a while. Wyatt wasn’t the problem, it was the staying overnight part. The part that involved sex. So far, their relationship was platonic, which was totally fine with her. She liked his sweet good-night kisses and the random affectionate displays when he touched her. But being around an inquisitive five-year-old, there was no wild groping or make-out sessions that could have led to more. They were dating without sex. And Tara was fast becoming comfortable in the opinion that this was the way it should be. But with that one sentence, there flew the little cloud of affection she had created.
And here they were, right back to sex.
“I was thinking it’s time to explain to him that you and I are more than just friends.”
Of course he was right. It had been two months of nothing but PG dates. They had fun by doing family activities, going to dinners and movies and the park, as well as venturing out in their boat occasionally. Tara realized this was the most she’d ever gotten to know anyone, man, woman, or child, in her whole life. She loved it and found she was having conversations she never considered having before. No one ever asked what her thoughts or opinions were on… well, on anything. Not from the time when she was a kid or a teen and certainly not while she was homeless on the street. Not only being asked her opinion, but having someone listen to it who valued it, were two things that were so unfamiliar to her. It was a heady, powerful experience.
Tara believed she was getting way more out of their relationship than Ryder was, far more. But she realized it was time he got something out of it too. Of course. They were adults after all. It was time to do more than just kiss each other good night. And it was ludicrous to curb their bedtimes based on his five-year-old’s sleeping schedule.
Smiling, she nodded. “Sure. As long as you think it’s appropriate, of course. We should tell him.”
She kept her face pointing downwards and he set his hand over hers, leaning forward until he was in her direct line of vision. A cocky little smile curled his lips as he squeezed her hand in his. “It doesn’t mean I plan to jump you the minute I put him to bed. Remember? We’re not going to do that. This?” He swung his arms around, encompassing the room. “All this time together is for you to grow more comfortable with me and us and being with us. You’re about a hundred percent more comfortable than you first were. You could barely glance my way in the beginning, and now you’ll sit right down next to me without a problem. So don’t think for a single minute that I would blow it by trying to force anything now.”
She couldn’t keep from smiling back at him. He was so damn decent to her. “It’s like you get right inside my brain.”
“It’s not that hard. I simply pay attention and now I’m starting to know you.”
She frowned and shook her head. “I swear to God, you might be the first one that did.”
He touched her cheek. “You chip a little piece off my heart when you say stuff like that. I don’t want you to go back to that awful existence again.”
Her heart lurched in her chest and her eyes filled with tears at his soft, caring voice. He truly had feelings for her. She wondered how to handle his precious concern and care. She’d honestly never had it before. It was selfless. Coming from a desire to make her feel better. He had no intentions of getting anything out of her. She almost felt undeserving for all the thoughtfulness he showed her.
He didn’t force his opinions, ideas, or himself on her. He didn’t try to control her life or take it over. That’s what her grandfather used to do. Sure, he might have given her some of the attention her father denied her, but her grandfather’s devotion came with a price tag. And his price tag was expensive. Unbridled loyalty. The standards he insisted upon were impossible to meet and no one could. He deliberately set people up to fail, and when they did, he lost his shit. He had no idea of how to forgive. He wanted to control every aspect of her life and her personality. He demanded things from her that she could not provide. Although he paid for her treatment in the hospital for anorexia, he didn’t care why she became that way, or how she should function once she returned from the hospital.
Ryder’s level of caring was free of strings and control and debts, so it was hard to process or even accept for Tara. But time was allowing her to loosely feel like she deserved it.
Ryder dropped little hints, saying they would last “more than a month or even several months, possibly years.” He thought they would remain together indefinitely. Tara avoided huge words like forever and refused to discuss the rest of their lives. But that didn’t stop Ryder from speaking as if he expected them to stay together. As if she could rely on that. Maybe he’d be around next year, or even the following year… and then her brain stopped. That was too much. Too far ahead and too much pressure. She didn’t know for sure and would not believe it.
She faltered over the words to express those things to him. Her sentiments usually came out in clipped snippets, like when she said, “Okay. I’ll spend the night.”
Ryder seemed to consider her consent as a proclamation of something much bigger.
He nodded and called out, “Hey, Wyatt? Come here.”
Wyatt came down the stairs, thumping loudly on each step. “Yeah, Daddy?” he asked, his voice rising up at the end. He had on red and blue pajamas. He was a special child and full of so much charisma, Tara was sure he could end up being anything he wanted to be in the world.
Ryder put his hand out and Wyatt easily ran forward and took it in his, cuddling into his dad’s warm embrace. That right there might have been the key reason why she felt so comfortable and easy around Ryder. How swiftly and naturally he held his son in his embrace. How often he did it. Most of all, how much he wanted to do it. He seemed to have this innate ability or instinct to know exactly what to say or do with Wyatt. For Tara, it was the most loving kindness she’d ever seen a man give his son.
And yet, he carried around a gun all day. Tara was surprised how easily he managed to smash through some pretty deep prejudices and preconceived notions she previously had.
“So, Wyatt… Tara has agreed to be my girlfriend. Do you know what that means?”
Wyatt’s little head bobbled up and down. He was so relaxed and loosely draped all over Ryder’s lap as he leaned into his chest, he had to tilt his head to see his dad’s face upside-down. He lifted a hand and rubbed Ryder’s chin while giggling. “Yes. I know what that is. It means kissing!”
A smile appeared on his lips. “Yup. And it also means she might sleep over sometimes with me. Be here in the morning. That okay with you?”
“You mean like for breakfast?”
“Yup. She’d be here for breakfast.”
Tara marveled over Ryder’s easy articulation when he spoke to Wyatt. She was blushing clear to the roots of her hair and sweltering with worry over what Wyatt would think of “staying overnight” and “being there for breakfast.” Did Wyatt have a clue what else it meant? Was there any connotation of sex? Or something different than just friends? She was mortified to think what would happen if Wyatt figured something like that out on his own.
“Yeah. We can eat smiley-faced pancakes, ‘kay?”
“’Kay. We could probably do that. That also means we don’t have to take her home after dinner. Seems a lot easier, huh?”
“Yes.” Wyatt nodded.
“Also means you can get to bed on time more often,” Ryder added with a grin. He stood up and Wyatt’s lithe body slid down Ryder’s until he landed on his feet. He tugged on his boy’s hand, urging him to follow as Wyatt groaned and squealed. He was laughing out loud and trying to dig his heels in to avoid going upstairs. Ryder eventually scooped him up in his arms. Leaning Wyatt towards her, he said, “Say good night to Tara.”
Wyatt was still squealing as he gave her big kiss on the side of her cheek. “Night, Tara.”
To her surprise, Wyatt wasn’t the issue. She had never dreamed of dating a man with a son. She never thought she could deal with so much responsibility. But with Wyatt? She didn’t have to deal with it. He was so happy and joyful and full of life that she adored having him around. He had to be an anomaly in Tara’s opinion. She was amazed how much she liked him and how easy he was to love. His easy acceptance of her presence in his life, and his dad’s life, remained a mystery to her. Why didn’t he ever get angry when she took Ryder’s attention? But Wyatt only seemed to embrace her even more.
After twenty minutes, Ryder came back down the stairs and the house fell deathly silent. He stood with his hands on his hips but soon dropped his hands to her waist as he pulled her forwards against him. This time, he let their hips align and their bodies touched, not as innocently as he would have done in front of Wyatt. He leaned his forehead onto hers. “So, you want to try the hot tub again? Have a glass of wine perhaps?”
“Two things to loosen me up?”
He grinned and his hand played with the ends of her hair as he swept it off her shoulder. “Yup. Wanna try?”
She couldn’t help admiring his honesty. “Fine.”
She kept a swimsuit there and they’d been in the hot tub with Wyatt plenty of times before, but never alone since that first night. Ryder disappeared and came back with his swim trunks on before going into the kitchen to grab the wine and two glasses. Tara entered the spare room where she kept her swimsuit and the few personal items she often used while visiting there. Changing quickly, she came out to find the downstairs lights were all out. The back patio lights were on and she could barely make out Ryder’s dark figure as he pulled the cover off the hot tub. She walked out into the cool night air, gripping her towel. Slipping down into the warm water finally, she sighed as the steam wafted around her, smelling of chlorine. She sipped her wine and rested her head on the lip of the tub.
“You should have seen the guy I pulled over today.”
Tara tilted her head up to indicate she was listening and smiled. She was well aware that he was only saying it to make her feel more at ease. “Yeah? What did he do?”
Ryder began to narrate a long story about the dead deer the guy killed illegally. It was six months until deer season and he had obviously poached it. “The drag marks from the deer’s body were obvious from the main road and his pickup was parked right out in the middle of nowhere. I simply followed the trail and found him elbow deep in the guts of the deer, his knife still in hand. I often wonder what the hell is wrong with people. At least if you’re going to commit a crime, don’t be so stupid. All he had to do was throw the deer in the back of his truck and no one would have known he’d even taken it. No. He decides to dress it right then and there. I guess he was figuring no one could see him out there.”
Laughing out loud, Tara agreed. It felt pleasant to discuss their days’ highlights and disappointments. She sighed, thinking she could easily get used to having this kind of rapport with another adult. Someone else’s interest being directed towards her daily life and struggles, both big and small, as well as her opinions on everything. And she enjoyed giving it right back to Ryder. He often discussed touchy situations with her and listened to her advice a few times when she disagreed with his take on them. That was another huge surprise to her.
Finally, the heat was getting too extreme so they both got out and toweled off on the deck before entering the dark house. Her skin was toasty and warm to the air, keeping the chill at bay. He’d fed Daisy earlier and she came trotting from the laundry room. She hastily went upstairs, obviously intent on going to bed.
Just as they were headed. Ryder went up first. Tara nearly gulped out loud as she gripped the towel around her chest. With resolute determination, she followed Ryder and the dog upstairs.
Entering the bedroom, Ryder dropped his towel on the floor and turned away from her. His swim trunks were halfway off and his bare butt was towards her. It was smooth and firm and super-white. She laughed internally, and her heart sped up.
He glanced over his shoulder. “Don’t pass out.” She supposed his smile was in response to her big-eyed stare at him. “Use the bathroom for more privacy.”
She did, scurrying into it and taking her wet swimsuit off before scrubbing her skin dry. She used his brush to get most of the tangles out of her damp hair. There was a knock on the door and he said, “Here.”
She opened the door to find him holding out a big t-shirt for her, along with her underwear. She smiled her thanks and he smiled back as he closed the door. She put the shirt on and it ended at the middle of her thighs. After hiking her panties up, she opened the door finally and came out. Seeing Ryder wearing a t-shirt and sweats was a relief and she nearly let out an audible sigh. No naked male parts to deal with. Although she could have. There was nothing traumatic about it to her. Just an ugly, purplish-colored, hard appendage she could pump a few times before he was writhing around in nearly comical ecstasy. It was simply a chore to her, and that was all. But of all men, didn’t Ryder deserve some pleasure, even if that’s all it was? He so earned it in every way. He treated her with respect and kindness, even right now by allowing her to be totally modest without a word of criticism.
He stood up and walked forward, grabbing her hand and tugging her closer to him until he sat down on the bed and placed her across his lap. “Quit acting so afraid of me.”
She wasn’t. Perhaps somewhat ambivalent about having him right here, under these circumstances. But no man wanted to hear that. “I’m not afraid.” She scooched her butt around and he started to get aroused at her subtle action. She raised her eyebrows. “See? Not afraid.”
He smiled but lacked his usual warmth towards her. “This isn’t warfare, Tara. And I get aroused by you, as I have many times and thankfully, I’ve managed to survive it so far.”
“I could just relieve it, you know.”
“How? By rolling over and letting me inside you? You could just lie there and tolerate it?”
She shrugged. “Well… yes. It might be the easiest way to deal with it.”
He snickered, shaking his head as he finally pulled her nearer to him. “Tara, feel that.” His body reacted to her words. She could feel him losing his hard-on. Surprised, she tilted her head his way and he sighed as he brushed her hair off her face. His hand tucked under her chin and lifted her face to his. “Tara, I’m in love with you. I don’t want you lying there like a receptacle for me.”
Her eyes must have rounded enough to look like they could jump out of her head. He didn’t just say that, not those words, did he? Nearly horrified, Tara’s mouth popped open and her head snapped back a few inches. No. Oh, no way.
“You had no idea, did you?” he a
sked, his tone almost sounding amused. “This? Being around you every single spare moment? Doing anything and everything with you? Liking every single moment with you, even when I’m annoyed, or you won’t talk to me, which is often, or have sex with me, which is never; still, I’d rather be in your presence than anywhere else in the world. That’s love, Tara.”
“I—I had no idea.”
He kissed her lips gently and nuzzled her cheeks and ear. “You’re an emotional wreck, you know that, right?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He pulled her body over and lay her down. She started to shift but he pressed on her shoulder until she was lying face down on his bed. He straddled her butt. She started to resist but his hands started kneading her back. “It means you don’t trust how I feel. You don’t know how I deal with my feelings. It means I’m going to win your trust even if it’s the last thing I do, and no matter how long it takes.”
“What if… what if it’s all about the chase? What if that’s the only thing you like?”
“It’s not,” he said simply, nearly sounding bored. She almost swore she could hear him rolling his eyes behind her head.
She lifted her face and gazed back up at him. “How can you be so sure?”
“Because I’ve been in love before.”
His gaze held hers without a flinch. She slammed her face back down onto the mattress with a huffy, “Oh.”
Then his hands pressed harder on her shoulders, her shoulder blades, and the center of her back as a huge moan escaped her lips. Dear God, she was melting. He kept at it, his hands massaging up and down her spine and the backs of her arms, moving up to her neck. Several times, his hands dipped down towards the top of her butt. Her entire body tensed up again. He slid down and she thought he was finished until both of his hands landed on her panty-clad butt, each cupping a cheek. She responded when he started kneading them. She was still tense, and annoyed and yet… wow! Could he press hard! It started to feel good. She had all kinds of tension knotted there and as he pressed on it, he released some of it and she savored the good feeling.