The Bromeliad Trilogy

by Terry Pratchett

  They certainly used it a lot.

  Masklin found Grimma in her schoolhole under one of the old sheds, supervising a class in writing.

  She glared at him, told the children to get on with it – and would Nicco Haberdasheri like to share the joke with the rest of the class? No? Then he could jolly well get on with things – and came out into the passage.

  "I've just called to say we're off," said Masklin, twiddling his hat in his hands. "There's a load of nomes going over to the dump, so we'll have company the rest of the way. Er."

  "Electricity," said Grimma, vaguely.

  "What?"

  "There's no electricity at the old barn," said Grimma. "You remember what that meant? On moonless nights there was nothing to do but stay in the burrow. I don't want to go back to that."

  "Well, maybe we were better nomes for it," mumbled Masklin. "We didn't have all the things we've got today, but we were –"

  "Cold, frightened, ignorant, and hungry!" snapped Grimma. "You know that. You try telling Granny Morkie about the Good Old Days and see what she says."

  "We had each other," said Masklin.

  Grimma examined her hands.

  "We were just the same age and living in the same hole," she said vaguely. She looked up. "But it's all different now! There... well, there are the frogs, for one thing."

  Masklin looked blank. And, for once, Grimma looked unsure.

  "I read about them in a book," she said. "There's this place, you see. Called South America. And there are these hills where it's hot and rains all the time, and in the rain forests there are these very tall trees and right in the top branches of the trees there are these, like, great big flowers called bromeliads and water gets into the flowers and makes little pools and there's a type of frog that lays eggs in the pools and tadpoles hatch and grow into new frogs and these little frogs live their whole lives in the flowers right at the top of the trees and don't even know about the ground and the world is full of things like that and now I know about them and I'm never ever going to be able to see them, and then you," she gulped for breath, "want me to come and live with you in a hole and wash your socks!"

  Masklin ran this sentence through his head again, in case it made any sense when he listened to it a second time.

  "But I don't wear socks," he pointed out.

  This was apparently not the right thing to say.

  Grimma prodded him in the stomach.

  "Masklin," she said, "you're a good nome and bright enough in your way, but there aren't any answers up in the sky. You need to have your feet on the ground, not your head in the air!"

  She swept away and shut the door behind her.

  Masklin felt his ears growing hot.

  "I can do both!" Masklin shouted after her. "At the same time!" He thought about it and added, "So can everyone!"

  He stamped off along the tunnel. Bright enough in his way! Gurder was right, universal education was not a good idea. He'd never understand women, he thought. Even if he lived to be ten.

  Gurder had turned over the leadership of the Stationeri to Nisodemus. Masklin felt less than happy about this. It wasn't that Nisodemus was stupid. Quite the reverse. He was clever in a bubbling, sideways way that Masklin distrusted; he always seemed to be bottling up excitement about something, and when he spoke the words always rushed out, with Nisodemus putting "ums" in the flow of words so that he could catch his breath without anyone having the chance to interrupt him. He made Masklin uneasy. He mentioned this to Gurder.

  "Nisodemus might be a bit overenthusiastic," said Gurder, "but his heart's in the right place."

  "What about his head?"

  "Listen," said Gurder. "We know each other well enough, don't we? We understand one another, wouldn't you say?"

  "Yes. Why?"

  "Then I'll let you make the decisions that affect all nomes' bodies," said Gurder, his voice just one step away from being threatening, "and you'll let me make the decisions that affect all nomes' souls. Fair enough?"

  And so they set off.

  The good-byes, the last-minute messages, the organization, and, because they were nomes, the hundred little arguments, are not important.

  They set off.

  Life at the quarry began to get back to something like normal. No more trucks came up to the gate.

  Dorcas sent a couple of his more agile young assistant engineers up the wire netting, just in case, to stuff the rusty padlock full of mud. He also ordered a team of nomes to twist wire around and around the gates as well.

  "Not that it'd hold them very long," he said. "Not if they were determined."

  The council, or what was left of it now, nodded wisely, although frankly none of them understood or cared much about mechanical things.

  The truck came back the same afternoon. The two nomes watching the truck hurried back into the quarry to report. The driver had fiddled with the padlock for a while, pulled at the wire, and then driven off.

  "And it said something," said Sacco.

  "Yes, it said something. Sacco heard it," said his partner, Nooty Kiddies-Klothes. She was a plump young nome who wore trousers and was good at Engineering and had actually volunteered to be a guard instead of staying at home learning how to cook; things were really changing in the quarry.

  "I heard it say something," said Sacco helpfully, in case the point hadn't sunk in.

  "That's right," said Nooty. "We both heard it, didn't we, Sacco?"

  "And what was it?" said Dorcas encouragingly. I don't really deserve this sort of thing, he thought. Not at my time of life. I'd rather be in my workshop, trying to get this radio business sorted out.

  "It said," Sacco took a deep breath, his eyes bulged, and he attempted the foghorn mooing that was human sound, " 'Bbbllllooooooooddddyyy kkiiiddddddssss!' "

  Dorcas looked at the others.

  "Anyone got any ideas?" he said. "It almost seems to mean something, doesn't it? I tell you, if only we could understand them –"

  "This must have been one of the stupid ones," said Nooty. "It was trying to get in!"

  "Then it'll come back," said Dorcas gloomily. He shook his head.

  "All right, you two," he said. "Well done. Get back on watch. Thank you."

  He watched them go off hand in hand, and then he wandered away across the quarry, heading for the old manager's office.

  I've seen Christmas Fayre come around six times, he thought. That's six whatd'youcall'ems, years.

  And almost one more, I think, although it's hard to be sure out here. No one puts up any signs to say what's happening, the heating just gets turned down. Seven years old. Just about the time when a nome ought to be taking it easy. And I'm out here, where there aren't any proper walls to the world, and the water goes cold and hard as glass some mornings, and the ventilation and heating systems are quite shockingly out of control. Of course – he pulled himself together a bit – as a scientist I find all these phenomena extremely interesting. It would just be nicer to find them extremely interesting from somewhere nice and snug, inside.

  Ah, inside. That was the place to be. Most of the older nomes suffered from the fear of the Outside, but no one liked to talk about it much. It wasn't too bad in the quarry, with its great walls of rock. If you didn't look up too much, or look toward the fourth side with its terribly huge views across the countryside, you could almost believe you were back in the Store. Even so, most of the older nomes preferred to stay in the sheds, or in the cozy gloom under the floorboards. That way you avoided this horrible exposed feeling, the dreadful sensation that the sky was watching you.

  The children seemed to quite like the Outside, though. They weren't really used to anything else.

  They could just about remember the Store, but it didn't mean much to them. They belonged Outside. They were used to it. And the young men who went out hunting and gathering... well, young men liked to show how brave they were, didn't they? Especially in front of other young men. And young women.

  Of course, Dorcas thou
ght, as a scientist and rational-thinking nome, I know we weren't really intended to live under floorboards the whole time. It's just that, as a nome who is probably seven years old and feeling a bit creaky, I've got to admit I'd find it sort of comforting to have a few of the good old signs around the place. "Amazing Reductions," perhaps, or just a little sign saying, "Mammoth Sales Start Tomorrow." It wouldn't hurt, and I'm sure I'd feel happier. Which is of course totally ridiculous, when you look at it rationally.

  It'd just be like Arnold Bros. (est. 1905), he thought sadly. I'm pretty sure he doesn't exist in the way I was taught he does, when I was young.

  But when you saw things like "If you do not see what you require, please ask" on the walls, you felt that everything was somehow all right.

  He thought: These are very wrong thoughts for a rational thinking nome.

  There was a crack in the woodwork by the door of the manager's office. Dorcas slipped into the familiar gloom under the floor and padded along until he found the switch.

  He was rather proud of this idea. There was a big red bell on the outside wall of the office, presumably so that humans could hear the telephone ring when the quarry was noisy. Dorcas had changed the wiring so that he could make it ring whenever he liked.

  He pressed the switch.

  Nomes came running from all corners of the quarry. Dorcas waited as the underfloor space filled up, and then dragged up an empty matchbox to stand on.

  "The human has been back," he announced. "It didn't get in, but it'll keep trying."

  "What about your wire?" said one of the nomes.

  "I'm afraid there are such things as wire cutters."

  "So much for your theory about, um, humans being intelligent. A intelligent human would know enough not to go, um, where it wasn't wanted," said Nisodemus sourly.

  Dorcas liked to see eagerness in a young nome, but Nisodemus vibrated with a peculiarly hungry kind of eagerness that was unpleasant to see. He gave him as sharp a look as he dared.

  "Humans out here might be different from the ones in the Store," he snapped. "Anyway –"

  "Order must have sent it," said Nisodemus. "It's a judgment, um, on us!"

  "None of that. It's just a human," said Dorcas.

  Nisodemus glared at him as he went on, "Now, we really should be sending some of the women and children to the –"

  There was the sound of running feet outside and the gate guards piled in through the crack.

  "It's back! It's back!" panted Sacco. "The human's back!"

  "All right, all right," said Dorcas. "Don't worry about it, it can't –"

  "No! No! No!" yelled Sacco, jumping up and down. "It's got a pair of cutter things! It's cut the wire and the chain that holds the gates shut and it –"

  They didn't hear the rest of it.

  They didn't need to.

  The sound of an engine coming closer said it all.

  It grew so loud that the shed shook, and then it stopped suddenly, leaving a nasty kind of silence that was worse than the noise. There was the crump of a metal door slamming. Then the rattle and squeak of the shed door.

  Then footsteps. The boards overhead buckled and dropped little clouds of dust as the great thumping steps wandered around the office.

  The nomes stood in absolute silence. They moved nothing except their eyes, but they moved in perfect time to the footsteps, marking the position, flicking backward and forward as the human crossed the room above. A baby started to whimper.

  There was some clicking, and then the muffled sound of a human voice making its usual incomprehensible noises. This went on for some time.

  Then the footsteps left the office again. The nomes could hear them crunching around outside, and then more noises. Nasty, clinking metal noises.

  A small nome said, "Mom, I want to go, Mom –"

  "I really mean it, Mom!"

  "Will you be quiet!"

  All the nomes stood stock-still as the noises went on around them. Well, nearly all. One small nome hopped from one foot to the other, going very red in the face.

  Eventually the noise stopped. There was the thunk of a truck door closing, the growl of its engine, and the motor noise died away.

  Dorcas said, very quietly, "I think perhaps we can relax now."

  Hundreds of nomes breathed a sigh of relief.

  "Mom!"

  "Yes, all right, off you go."

  And after the sigh of relief, the outbreak of babble. One voice rose above the rest.

  "It was never like this in the Store!" said Nisodemus, climbing onto half a brick. "I ask you, fellow nomes, is this what we were led, um, to expect?"

  There was a mumbled chorus of "nos" and "yesses" as Nisodemus went on. "A year ago we were safe in the Store. Do you remember what it was like at Christmas Fayre? Do you remember what it was like in the Food Hall? Anyone remember, um, roast beef and turkey?"

  There were one or two embarrassed cheers. Nisodemus looked triumphant. "And here we are at the same time of year – well, they tell us it's the same time of year," he said sarcastically, "and what we're expected to eat are knobbly things actually grown in dirt! Um. And the meat isn't proper meat at all, it's just dead animals cut up! Actual dead animals, actually cut up! Is this what you want your, um, children to get used to? Digging up their food? And now they tell us we might even have to go to some barn that hasn't got proper floorboards for us to live under as Arnold Bros. (est. 1905) intended. Where next?, we ask ourselves. Out in a field somewhere? Um. And do you know what is the worst thing about all of this? I'll tell you." He pointed a finger at Dorcas. "The people who seem to be giving us all the orders now are the very people who, um, got us into this trouble in the first place!"

  "Now, just you hold on –" Dorcas began.

  "You all know I'm right!" shouted Nisodemus.

  "Think about it, nomes! Why in the name of Arnold Bros. (est. 1905) did we have to leave the Store?"

  There were a few more vague cheers and several arguments broke out among the audience.

  "Don't be stupid," said Dorcas. "The Store was going to be demolished!"

  "We don't know that!" shouted Nisodemus.

  "Of course we do!" roared Dorcas. "Masklin and Gurder saw –"

  "And where are they now, eh?"

  "They've gone to... well, they've gone to..." Dorcas began. He wasn't much good at this, he knew. Why did it have to be him? He preferred messing around with wires and bolts and things. Bolts didn't keep shouting at you.

  "Yes, they've gone!" Nisodemus lowered his voice to a sort of angry hiss. "Think about it, you nomes! Use your, um, brains! In the Store we knew where we were, things worked, everything was exactly as Arnold Bros. (est. 1905) decreed. And suddenly we're out here. Remember how you used to despise Outsiders? Well, the Outsiders are us! Um. And now it's all panic again, and it always will be – until we mend our ways and Arnold Bros. (est.1905) graciously allows us back into the Store as better, wiser nomes!"

  "Let's just get this clear," said a nome. "Are you saying that the Abbot lied to us?"

  "I'm not saying anything like that," said Nisodemus, sniffing. "I'm just presenting you with the facts. Um. That's all I'm doing."

  "But... but... but the Abbot has gone to get help," said a lady nome uncertainly. "And... and... after all, I'm sure the Store was demolished. I mean, we wouldn't have gone to all this trouble otherwise, would we? Er." She looked desperate.

  "I know this, though," said the nome beside her, "Say what you like, but I don't fancy this old barn everyone's talking about. There's not even any electric there."

  "Yes, and it's in the middle of" – another nome began, and then lowered his voice – "you know. Things. You know what I'm talking about."

  "Yeah," said an elderly nome. "Things. I've seen 'em. My lad took me blackberryin' a month or two back, up above the quarry, and I seen 'em."

  "I don't mind seeing them a long way off," said the worried lady nome. "It's the thought of being in the middle of them that makes me come over
all shaky."

  They don't even like to say the words open fields, thought Dorcas. I know how they feel.

  "It's snug enough here, I'll grant you," said the first nome. "But all this stuff you get outside, what d'you call it, begins with an N –"

  "Nature?" said Dorcas weakly. Nisodemus was smiling madly, his eyes sparkling.

  "That's right," said the nome. "Well, it's not natural. And there's a sight too much of it. 'S not like a proper world at all. You've only got to look at it. The floor's all rough, 'n' it should be flat. There's hardly any walls. All them little starry lights that come out at night, well, they're not much help, are they? And now these humans go where they please, there's no proper regulations like there was in the Store."

  "That's why Arnold Bros. established the Store in 1905," said Nisodemus. "A proper place for, um, nomes to live."

  Dorcas gently grabbed Sacco's ear and pulled the young nome toward him.

  "Do you know where Grimma is?" he whispered.

  "Isn't she here?"

  "I'm quite sure she isn't," said Dorcas. "She'd have had something very sharp to say by now if she was. She may have stayed in the schoolhole with the children when the bell went off. It's just as well."

  Nisodemus has something on his mind, he thought. I'm not certain what it is, but it smells bad.

  And it got worse as the day wore on, especially since it began to rain. A nasty, freezing sort of rain.

  Sleet, according to Granny Morkie. It was soggy, not really water but not quite ice. Rain with bones.

  Somehow it seemed to find its way into places where ordinary rain hadn't managed to get. Dorcas organized younger nomes to dig drainage trenches and rigged up a few of the big lightbulbs for heat.

  The older nomes sat hunched around them, sneezing and grumbling.

  Granny Morkie did her best to cheer them up.

  Dorcas began to really wish the old woman wouldn't do that.

  "This ain't nothing," she said. "I remember the Great Flood. Made our hole cave right in, we was cold and drenched for days!" She cackled and rocked backward and forward. "Liked drownded rats, we was! Not a dry stitch on, you know, and no fire for a week. Talk about laugh!"