The Bromeliad Trilogy

by Terry Pratchett

  8

  SPACE: There are two types: a) something containing nothing and b) nothing containing everything. It is what you have left when you haven't got anything else. There is no air or gravity, which is what holds people onto things. If there weren't space, everything would be in one place. It is designed to be a place for satellites, shuttles, planets, and the Ship.

  From A Scientific Encyclopedia for the Enquiring Young Nome

  by Angalo de Haberdasheri.

  After some time, when the ground had stopped shaking, the nomes picked themselves up and stared blearily at one another.

  "!" said Gurder.

  "What?" said Masklin. His own voice sounded a long way away, and muffled.

  "?" said Gurder.

  "?" said Angalo.

  "What? I can't hear you! Can you hear me?"

  Masklin saw Gurder's lips move. He pointed to his own ears and shook his head. "We've gone deaf!"

  "?"

  "Deaf, I said." Masklin looked up.

  Smoke billowed overhead and out of it, rising fast even to a nome's high-speed senses, was a long, growing cloud tipped with fire. The noise dropped to something merely very loud and then, very quickly, disappeared.

  Masklin stuck a finger in his ear and wiggled it around.

  The absence of sound was replaced by the terrible hiss of silence.

  "Anyone listening?" he ventured. "Anyone hearing me?"

  "That," said Angalo, his voice sounding blurred and unnaturally calm, "was pretty loud. I don't reckon many things come much louder."

  Masklin nodded. He felt as though he'd been pounded hard by something.

  "You know about these things," he said weakly. "Humans ride on them, do they?"

  "Oh, yes. Right at the top."

  "No one makes them do it?"

  "Er. I don't think so," said Angalo. "I think the book said a lot of them want to do it."

  "They want to do it?"

  Angalo shrugged. "That's what it said."

  There was only a distant dot now, at the end of a widening white cloud of smoke.

  Masklin watched it.

  We must be mad, he thought. We're tiny and it's a big world and we never stop to learn enough about where we are before we go somewhere else. At least back when I lived in a hole I knew everything there was to know about living in a hole, and now it's a year later and I'm at a place so far away I don't even know how far away it is, watching something I don't understand go to a place so far up there is no down. And I can't go back. I've got to go right on to the end of whatever all this is, because I can't go back. I can't even stop.

  So that's what Grimma meant about the frogs. Once you know things, you're a different person. You can't help it.

  He looked back down. Something was missing.

  The Thing.

  He ran back the way they'd come.

  The little black box was where he'd left it. The rods had withdrawn into it, and there weren't any lights.

  "Thing?" he said uncertainly.

  One red light came on faintly. Masklin suddenly felt cold, despite the heat around him.

  "Are you all right?" he said.

  The light flickered.

  'Too quick. Used too much pow..." it said.

  "Pow?" said Masklin. He tried hard not to wonder why the word hadn't been much more than a growl.

  The light dimmed.

  "Thing? Thing?" He tapped gently on the box. "Did it work? Is the Ship coming? What do we do now? Wake up! Thing?"

  The light went out.

  Masklin picked the Thing up and turned it over and over in his hands.

  "Thing?"

  Masklin and Gurder hurried up, with Pion behind them.

  "Did it work?" said Angalo. "Can't see any Ship yet."

  Masklin turned his face toward them.

  "The Thing's stopped," he said.

  "Stopped?"

  "All the lights have gone out!"

  "Well, what does that mean?" Angalo started to look panicky.

  "I don't know!"

  "Is it dead?" said Gurder.

  "It can't die! It's existed for thousands of years!"

  Gurder shook his head. "Sounds like a good reason for dying," he said.

  "But it's a – a Thing."

  Angalo sat down with his arms around his knees.

  "Did it say if it got everything sorted out? When's the Ship coming?"

  "Listen, don't you care? It's run out of pow!"

  "Pow?"

  "It must mean electricity. It kind of sucks it out of wires and stuff. I think it can store it for a while too. And now it must have run out."

  They looked at the black box. It had spent thousands of years being handed down from nome to nome without ever saying a word or lighting a light. It had only woken up again when it had been brought into the Store, near electricity.

  "It looks creepy, sitting there doing nothing," said Angalo.

  "Can't we find it some electricity?" said Gurder.

  "Around here? There isn't any!" Angalo snapped. "We're in the middle of nowhere!"

  Masklin stood up and gazed around. It was just possible to see some buildings in the distance. There was a movement of vehicles around them.

  "What about the Ship?" said Angalo. "Is it on its way?"

  "I don't know!"

  "How will it find us?"

  "I don't know!"

  "Who's driving it?"

  "I don't –" Masklin stopped in horror. "Noone! I mean, who could be driving it? There hasn't been anyone on it for thousands of years!"

  "Who was going to bring it here, then?"

  "I don't know! The Thing, maybe?"

  "You mean it's on its way and no one's driving it?"

  "Yes! No! I don't know!"

  Angalo squinted up at the blue sky.

  "Oh, wow," he said glumly.

  "We need to find some electricity for the Thing," said Masklin. "Even if it's managed to summon the Ship, the Ship will still need to be told where we are."

  "If it summoned the Ship," said Gurder. "It might have run out of pow before it had time."

  "We can't be sure," said Masklin. "Anyway, we must help the Thing. I hate to see it like that."

  Pion, who had disappeared into the scrub, came back dragging a lizard.

  "Ah," said Gurder, without any enthusiasm. "Here comes lunch."

  "If the Thing were talking, we could tell Pion you can get awfully tired of lizard, in time," said Angalo.

  "In about two seconds," said Gurder.

  "Come on," said Masklin, wearily. "Let's go and find some shade and think up another plan."

  "Oh, a plan," Gurder said, as if that was worse than lizard. "I like plans."

  They ate – not very well – and lay back watching the sky. The brief sleep on the way hadn't been enough. It was easy to doze.

  "I must say these Floridians have got it all worked out," said Gurder lazily. "It's cold back home and here they've got the heating turned up just right."

  "I keep telling you, it's not the heating," said Angalo, straining his eyes for any sign of a descending Ship. "And the wind isn't the air conditioning, either. It's the sun that makes you warm."

  "I thought that was just for lighting," said Gurder.

  "And it's where all the heat comes from," said Angalo. "I read it in a book. It's a great ball of fire bigger than the world."

  Gurder eyed the sun suspiciously.

  "Oh, yes?" he said. "What keeps it up?"

  "Nothing. It's just kind of there."

  Gurder squinted at the sun again.

  "Is this generally known?" he said.

  "I suppose so. It was in the book."

  "For anyone to read? I call that irresponsible. That's the sort of thing that can really upset people."

  "There are thousands of suns up there, Masklin says."

  Gurder sniffed. "Yes, he's told me. It's called the glaxie, or something. Personally, I'm against it."

  Angalo chuckled.

  "I d
on't see what's so funny," said Gurder coldly.

  "Tell him, Masklin," said Angalo.

  "It's all very well for you," Gurder muttered. "You just want to drive things fast. I want to make sense of them. Maybe there are thousands of suns, but why?"

  "Can't see that it matters," said Angalo lazily.

  "It's the only thing that does matter. Tell him, Masklin."

  They both looked at Masklin.

  At least, where Masklin had been sitting.

  He'd gone.

  Beyond the top of the sky was the place the Thing had called the universe. It contained, according to the Thing, everything and nothing. And there was very little everything and more nothing than anyone could imagine.

  For example, it was often said that the sky was full of stars. It was untrue. The sky was full of sky. There were unlimited amounts of sky and, really, by comparison, very few stars.

  It was amazing, therefore, that they made such an impression.

  Thousands of them looked down now as something round and shiny drifted around the Earth.

  It had Arnsat-1 painted on its side, which was a bit of a waste of paint since stars can't read.

  It unfolded a silver dish.

  It should then have turned to face the planet below it, ready to beam down old movies and new news.

  It didn't. It had new orders.

  Little puffs of gas jetted out as it turned around and searched the sky for a new target.

  By the time it had found it, a lot of people in the old movies and new news business were shouting very angrily at one another on telephones, and some of them were feverishly trying to give it new instructions.

  But that didn't matter, because it wasn't listening anymore.

  Masklin galloped through the scrub.

  They'd argue and bicker, he thought. I've got to do this quickly. I don't think we've got a lot of time.

  It was the first time he'd been really alone since the days back when he'd lived in a hole and had to go out hunting by himself because there was no one else.

  Had it been better then? At least it had been simpler. You just had to try to eat without being eaten. Just getting through the day was a triumph. Everything had been bad, but at least it had been a kind of understandable, nome-sized badness.

  In those days the world ended at the highway on one side and the woods beyond the field at the other side. Now it had no kind of boundaries at all, and more problems than he knew what to do with.

  But at least he knew where to find electricity.

  You found it near buildings with humans in them.

  The scrub ahead of Masklin opened out onto a track.

  He turned onto it, and ran faster. Go along any track, and you'd find humans on it somewhere.

  There were footsteps behind him. He turned around, and saw Pion. The young Floridian gave him a worried smile.

  "Go away!" Masklin said. "Go on! Go! Go back! Why are you following me? Go away!"

  Pion looked hurt. He pointed up the track and said something.

  "I don't understand!" shouted Masklin.

  Pion stuck a hand high above his head, palm downward.

  "Humans?" Masklin guessed. "Yes. I know. I know what I'm doing. Go back!"

  Pion said something else.

  Masklin lifted up the Thing. "Talking box no go," he said helplessly. "Good grief, why should I have to speak like this? You must be at least as intelligent as me. Go on, go away. Go back to the others."

  He turned and ran. He looked back briefly, and saw Pion watching him.

  How much time have I got? he wondered. Thing once told me the Ship flies very fast. Maybe it could be here any minute. Maybe it's not coming at all.

  He saw figures looming over the scrub. Yes, follow any track, and sooner or later you find humans. They get everywhere.

  Yes, maybe the Ship isn't coming at all.

  If it isn't, he thought, then what I'm going to do now is probably the most stupid thing any nome has ever done anywhere in the total history of nomekind.

  He stepped out into a circle of gravel. A small truck was parked in it, with the name of the Floridian god NASA painted on the side. Close by, a couple of humans were bent over a piece of machinery on a tripod.

  They didn't notice Masklin. He walked closer, his heart thumping.

  He put down the Thing.

  We used to talk, he said. Well, maybe it's time to try again.

  He cupped his hands around his mouth.

  He tried to shout as clearly and as slowly as possible.

  "Hey, there! You! Hu-mans!"

  "He did what?" shouted Angalo. Pion ran through his pantomime of gestures again.

  "Talked to humans." said Angalo. "Went in a thing with wheels'?"

  "I thought I heard a truck engine," said Gurder. Angalo pounded a fist into his palm. "He was worried about the Thing," he said.

  "He wanted to find it some electricity!"

  "But we must be miles from any buildings!"

  said Gurder.

  "Not the way Masklin's going!" Angalo snarled.

  "I knew it would come to this!" Gurder moaned. "Showing ourselves to humans! We never used to do that sort of thing in the Store! What are we going to do?"

  Masklin thought, Up to now, it's not too bad. The humans hadn't really known what to do about him. They'd even backed away! And then one of them had rushed to the truck and talked into a machine on a string. Probably some sort of telephone, Masklin thought knowledgeably.

  When he hadn't moved, one of the humans had fetched a box out of the back of the truck and crept toward him as if expecting Masklin to explode. In fact, when he waved, the human jumped back clumsily.

  The other human said something, and the box was cautiously put down on the gravel a few feet from Masklin.

  Then both humans watched him expectantly. He kept smiling, to put them at their ease, and climbed into the box. Then he gave them another wave.

  One of the humans reached down gingerly and picked up the box, lifting it up in the air as though Masklin was something very rare and delicate. He was carried to the truck. The human got in, and still holding the box with exaggerated care, placed it on its knees. A radio crackled with deep human voices.

  Well, no going back now. Knowing that, Masklin very nearly relaxed. Perhaps it was best to look at it as just another step along life's sidewalk.

  They kept staring at him as if they didn't believe what they were seeing.

  The truck lurched off. After a while it turned onto a concrete road, where another truck was waiting. A human got out, spoke to the driver of Masklin's truck, laughed in a slow human way, looked down at Masklin, and stopped laughing very suddenly.

  It almost ran back to its own truck and started speaking into another telephone.

  I knew this would happen, Masklin thought. They don't know what to do with a real nome. Amazing.

  But just so long as they take me somewhere where there's the right kind of electricity.

  Dorcas, the engineer, had once tried to explain electricity to Masklin, but without much success because Dorcas wasn't too certain about it, either.

  There seemed to be two kinds, straight and wiggly. The straight kind was very boring and stayed in batteries. The wiggly kind was found in wires in the walls and things, and somehow the Thing could steal some of it if it was close enough. Dorcas used to talk about wiggly electricity in the same tone of voice Gurder used for talking about Arnold Bros. (est. 1905). He'd tried to study it back in the Store. If it was put into freezers it made things cold, but if the same electricity went into an oven it made things hot, so how did it know'?

  Dorcas used to talk, Masklin thought. I said "used to." I hope he still does.

  He felt light-headed and oddly optimistic. Part of him was saying: That's because if you for one second think seriously about the position you've put yourself in, you'll panic.

  Keep smiling.

  The truck purred along the road, with the other truck following it. Masklin saw a
third truck rattle down a side road and pull in behind them. There were a lot of humans on it, and most of them were watching the skies.

  They didn't stop at the nearest building, but drove on to a bigger one with many more vehicles outside. More humans were waiting for them.

  One of them opened the truck door, doing it very slowly even for a human.

  The human carrying Masklin got out of the truck.

  Masklin looked up at dozens of staring faces. He could see every eyeball, every nostril. Every one of them looked worried. At least, every eyeball did. The nostrils just looked like nostrils.

  They were worried about him.

  Keep smiling.

  He stared back up at them, and still almost giggling with repressed panic, said, "Can I help you, gentlemen?"

  9

  SCIENCE: A way of finding things out and then making them work. There is a lot more Science than you think.

  From A Scientific Encyclopedia for the Enquiring Young Nome

  by Angalo de Haberdasheri.

  Gurder, Angalo, and Pion sat under a bush. It gave them a bit of shade. The cloud of gloom over them was almost as big.

  "We'll never even get home without the Thing," said Gurder.

  "Then we'll get him out," said Angalo.

  "That'll take forever!"

  "Yeah? Well, that's nearly as long as we've got here, if we can't get home." Angalo had found a pebble that was almost the right shape to attach to a twig with strips torn off his coat; he'd never seen a stone ax in his life, but he had a definite feeling that there were useful things that could be done with a stone tied to the end of a stick.

  "I wish you'd stop fiddling with that thing," Gurder said. "What's the big plan, then? Us against the whole of Floridia?"

  "Not necessarily. You needn't come."

  "Calm down, Mr. To-the-rescue. One idiot's enough."

  "I don't hear you coming up with any better ideas." Angalo swished the ax through the air once or twice.

  "I haven't got any."

  A small red light started to flash on the Thing.

  After a while, a small square hole opened up and there was a tiny whirring sound as the Thing extended a little lens on a stick. This turned around slowly.

  Then the Thing spoke.

  "Where," it asked, "is this place?"

  It tilted the lens up and there was a pause while it surveyed the face of the human looking down at it.