Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians

by Corey Andrew

  Corey: A couple of your cleaner lines were great. The Kool-Aid line. (Lisa said, ‘My twat has been on more black men’s lips than purple Kool-Aid.’)

  Lisa: Wasn’t that funny? That’s absolutely true. The funniest things are true about the blacks. Absolutely. Didn’t you love the Carrot Top joke, too. Carrot Top, my God. Mr. Friend has got to get his shit together. How much do you hate yourself when you’re a prop guy with steroid problems? You know, ming!

  Corey: Do you get asked to do corporate gigs?

  Lisa: If I get asked to do them, I say I’ll only do them if I can be 100 percent myself, because I make so much money that I could turn anything down I want that doesn’t make me comfortable. Even for benefits I say, ‘Look man, I’m doing this shit for charity and you don’t like me to say “cunt.” Go fuck your mother. If you like me, why would you hire me? Hire some pussy. Rita Rudner is available.’ You know what I mean?

  I watched that thing with Kathy Griffin at that jeweler’s convention. I watched it, and I was crying. Every female comic I know watched that; we’ve all been through that. They kiss your ass to get you to do this shit and then stare at you. It’s like, ‘You fucking twats.’ What happened was, thank God, I watched that because I got a call and said, ‘Look. I’ll do your charity for your retard kids. I’ll tell you what, I won’t make fun of retard kids because that’s just mean, but I’m not gonna not say cunt or whatever I say, because that’s who I am.’ ‘Well couldn’t you just edit a couple of words?’ Absolutely not, because then the list becomes bigger and bigger. So I said, ‘Look bitch, I’ll write you a check instead,’ and I probably won’t send it, because they can go fuck themselves. They don’t want to hear cunt, they don’t get a check.

  Corey: Have you had an experience like she did?

  Lisa: Horrible! With her, I think it was a paid gig. Mine, it was a charity. You’re gonna die. This fucking cunt of a baseball player, this Lee Mazilli, used to be a coach for the Mets. He sponsors this diabetes event for children. OK. We’re all adults and friars. I’m killing and this motherfucker would not make eye contact after nor would he say, ‘Thank you.’ Everybody else got watches. I didn’t get shit. You know what, it wasn’t even a good watch, because I like Cartier, so you know you can go fuck your mother. But that is just mean to not look at me and not say thank you.

  I was fuming. This was like seven years ago. I’m fuming mad. Why do I put myself in this position? Every time now I say, ‘Do you know who I am? Do you know I’m gonna say “cunt” if I want? If you don’t like this, please just let me make a donation.’ I can’t be bothered with it. It hurts your feelings a lot. You go home and you’re all upset. I just wasted my whole night. I could have done a paid gig for these fucking losers with diabetes. ‘Hey, eat a fucking candy bar. Lick me.’ Am I right? See, I get angry. Thanks for the interview, you fucking asshole. These faggots, you’re always trying to ruin our good time.

  Corey: I did want to mention that a friend of mine noticed that you refer to yourself in the third person a lot.

  Lisa: Absolutely, Lisa Lampanelli refers to Lisa Lampanelli in the third person, because I’m the most important person in the world. And if nobody else will do it, I will. And you tell your fucking person, who I’m sure is a fucking faggot, too, because all you faggots stick together, that if he means that as criticism, then I am not doing his diabetes charity event either. You just tell him I said it.

  No, it just makes me laugh. Whatever makes me laugh, I figure is going to make the audience laugh eventually. It makes me laugh to go, ‘Lisa Lampanelli,’ like I’m a fucking celebrity. I was saying that when I was doing comedy a year. ‘Oh, she thinks she’s a big shot?’ It always cracked me up.

  Corey: As you put many people down, do you get a lot of groups point out someone you’re not hitting?

  Lisa: Oh yeah, I have to get these fucking dykes. These fucking dykes, they want to be included. But I learned early on the difference between gay men and dykes is gay men have a sense of humor. They used to be very easily offended so I didn’t bother with them. Now I have dykes who come to my show.

  Dude, I get lipstick lesbians; I don’t get ugly, hairy ones, so that’s kind of cool if I decide to jump on to the tuna boat. You never know. I’m like, ‘OK, I gotta hit the dykes more.’ I get so offended when women say, ‘You should make fun of men more.’ ‘OK, the 8,700 other hacky, crappy comics don’t do that enough for you? You fucking whore bag, now go home and get knocked up again like that’s a freakin talent.’ Oh yeah, make fun of men. I hate that shit. I also don’t like when someone comes up and says, ‘Yeah, you should make fun of white people more.’ ‘Yeah, here’s what I have to say to you. I make fun of faggots and that’s always white. I always make fun of bald people. That’s white. And fat people, that’s white and old people. That’s white.’ I make sure all my sub-groups are white people so they can’t bitch. What are you really gonna say about a white person? ‘Oh, how you doing bank president.’ We have jobs. We work. What’s there to say about us? Next. Did you like ‘Sex in the City?’

  Corey: Of course.

  Lisa: Did you like Mario Cantone on it? When they were looking at the wedding dresses and he’d go, ‘Next!’ and Charlotte would go, ‘I don’t think I liked …’ ‘Hated it!’ I love that.

  Corey: I just talked to Mario.

  Lisa: Did you cornhole him?

  Corey: No, it was over the phone.

  Lisa: So what, faggots will stick a dick in whatever. Oh yeah, how you people view your commitments. Do you have a faggot partner? What’s up with that? Why am I the only one without a partner? Boo hoo. Weeping. Look at how I’m sobbing openly.

  Corey: You travel with friends, right? They open for you?

  Lisa: My faggot, fucking gay Wendall, Big deal. He’s out blowing guys behind the Home Depot and I gotta suffer? He loves picking up Mexicans at Home Depot. Is that like a cliché or what? It’s hilarious but true. He has two in L.A. that he picked up at Home Depot. I just love those stories. I have no sex life at all because I’m taking a year off. He totally keeps me going with his fagotty sex escapades. I also have two girls with me, Tracy and Laura. I can’t bring straight guys with me anymore because I will way fuck them and it screws up the whole relationship and I admire them and send them home in a flourish like Joan Crawford in ‘Mommie Dearest.’ That’s what I did with the last one. I like sent him an e-mail with his plane ticket and was like, ‘You are hereby relieved of your duties.’ It was very Joan Crawford. Now I’ve got to just have straight women or gay men with me. I gotta get laid, dude.

  Corey: Is this a year of cleansing for you?

  Lisa: Emotional cleansing, if you will. What happened was I was with a string of sick individuals and said, ‘Oh my God, the only thing they have in common is me.’ And I’m weeping openly because my manager always tells me, ‘Don’t cry in interviews,’ so I’m pretending to cry to fuck with her. So yeah, I just decided to take a year off from dating so I can figure out how to stop attracting these losers, and I should really be dating well above my status. I mean, do you slum? Do you bang like blacks and things?

  Corey: Not in years.

  Lisa: If I guy can kill me or rape me, sign me up. I just go around and have fun, and I flirt occasionally, but other than that it’s gonna be ’til next June. L.L. is spanking it out in the hotel room after the show.

  Corey: Did you legitimately cry in several interviews?

  Lisa: No, it was just one. OK, it was Valentine’s Day, and I was all sad because the guy I was dating, I felt like he was cheating on me because I felt in my heart that he was. He was always emotionally unavailable, and he totally was always e-mailing other girls on his MySpace account. How gay is this that I’m 46 and give a shit who he’s talking to on MySpace? It’s really sad. I’m going to this guy’s place for Valentine’s Day, and it’s horrible because I know he’s not emotionally there, and I am.

  So the Washington Post of all places, the biggest newspaper in the country, calls me for an in
terview, and I’m like, ‘Blah.’ They asked, ‘Is it harder for a woman comic?’ I said, ‘Absolutely not, it’s easier because it’s easier to stand out, but the problem is the loneliness.’ So, of course, I start crying. I thought it made me very vulnerable, and I like that. As a comic, you need that vulnerable side.

  Then the article gets syndicated to every single newspaper in the country. I got a call from ‘The Tonight Show.’ ‘Is Lisa OK. Are you OK?’ The article said ‘sobbed.’ I’ll be honest with you, dude; I’m a really honest person. I’d tell you if I sobbed. This bitch trumped it up. I was like, ‘It’s really hard.’ That’s not sobbing. It was a little teary thing. I was actually not that pissed. I think it showed a good side of me. For a sitcom to succeed, it needs that person.

  So my manager called and said we need to talk to you about sobbing in interviews. I go, ‘Maggie, it shows me to be vulnerable. And by the way, cry another fucking BMW I bought you. Lick it, bitch, you’re making 15 percent. Shove it up your cunt.’ Wrong or right, no boys for Lisa for a while.

  Corey: That’s a shame.

  Lisa: No it’s not; it’s good. I’ve been going from 12 to 46 without a break. Boy is my cunt tired. I’m writing ‘Codependency the Musical.’ The closing number is, ‘Boy is My Cunt Tired.’

  Corey: You’ve been doing this for a while. Are all comics damaged?

  Lisa: They’re all damaged goods. Who isn’t damaged goods? Aren’t newspaper reporters? Isn’t your faggot, dick-lick boyfriend damaged? We’re all damaged goods, mister. We’re more fucked up than a lot of people; I think we’re on par with anyone who considers themselves artistic and considers themselves more sensitive. Don’t you hate that? We’re more sensitive. ‘No you’re not; you say nigger for a living.’ We all have feelings. Wah fucking wah. I’ll never date a comic again. That was a huge downfall. Never date someone in your business. Like what does your faggot love do?

  Corey: He’s in human resources.

  Lisa: Oh, so he hires and fires blacks? Excellent, I love him already.

  Corey: I was surprised after reading your column in Instinct that you wrote for Rolling Stone for so long.

  Lisa: Isn’t that wild. I went to Syracuse for journalism school. Where did you go?

  Corey: I went to Southern Illinois U.

  Lisa: Ooh, sorry. You lose. Next. Delete. And you’re working on Homo Times. Did they hire you because you’re a homo? You wouldn’t hire a big, straight, strapping guy. You write about Lisa, Kathy Griffin and corn-holing. That’s your three fucking subjects. What else, the fact that you want to get married. I say we let you people get married but don’t let you get divorced and see how you like it. I have ideas, mister. You think I’m a vapid little fucking douche bag who refers to myself in the third person. Well, I am.

  Corey: What did you do for Rolling Stone?

  Lisa: Nothing. I did copy editing and a few little stories, but my big super cool rock and roll credit was I used to be the managing editor for Hit Parader magazine. I used to interview all the hair bands. So I interviewed Ozzy Osbourne, Bon Jovi, Cinderella, Slaughter, the list goes on and on. Ratt. I was at the video shoot for ‘Round and Round’ by Ratt. OK. So you’re not cool; I am. That’s the crap I did.

  Corey: When you were with Hit Parader were you one of those rock chicks?

  Lisa: Oh honey, I wish. No, I was a fat chick trying to interview bands, which is good because I never tried to bang them, I just really liked the music. I was really shy. I got to watch what is really making Jethro Tull tick. I actually took it seriously. ‘Lisa, come on, the people have one hit.’

  Corey: How did you make the transformation from journalism to comedy?

  Lisa: What had happened was, I felt like I had nothing left to give. I had interviewed every band I wanted. I was totally bored. I was a prog rock fag, so I loved Jethro Tull and Rush and all them. What’s next? I snapped. I said I want to help people. I went to grad school for teaching at Columbia—also better than yours. Hated student teaching because I really didn’t like kids. Oops.

  I was driving one day and I heard a thing on the air about rent a DJ, like go to weddings. And the karaoke craze just kicked in. ‘Oh my god, I want to do that.’ It can make me warm up to be a comic. I could talk on a microphone and get used to it. And then it all just blossomed from there. And now I’m talking to you. Is this a career ender? The roast yesterday, you today. This is charity.

  Corey: How many years before people became interested and you started becoming known?

  Lisa: Before I became fabulously famous? Lisa Lampanelli? When I really started seeing audiences grow and sell out for me was after the Pam Anderson roast. I can remember walking into this club like a month after it aired and they’re like, ‘You’re sold out.’ I’m like, ‘Get out of here. Why would I sell out this place?’ I started being on Howard Stern a lot, ‘The Tonight Show,’ the Shatner (roast) thing. It all started snowballing. That Pam thing was huge.

  Corey: How old were you the first time you started?

  Lisa: Thirty, I think. Because I’m 46. Like 16 years.

  Corey: Was it an open mic night?

  Lisa: I took a class, because God forbid, I’d actually know how to stand up and talk. I took this class on how to write five minutes of material and blah blah. We all did it at the same time. It was a class graduation show. It was so fun. I was totally conceited because I did so good. I called in sick the next day at work.

  Corey: What happened to the other people you graduated with?

  Lisa: Nothin’, they’re all dead of AIDS. Actually, nothing. I don’t think anybody is still doing it. Nobody I started with is still doing comedy except Jim Gaffigan, who’s at my level. Some have gone on to be writers, because some comics are better writers than performers. Mine’s the opposite. I like the performing part. Most kind of quit. If you don’t have it, you don’t have it. Then you compare yourself to me, and you’re always gonna lose.

  Corey: It wouldn’t be too late for me?

  Lisa: If you weren’t a dirty faggot, I’d say yes, but you’re gay, so your time limit is very short. I would say it’s never too late. You know Rodney Dangerfield didn’t hit until he was 50. Some people just grow into it later. Whatever dude. I say just try it. I can see your fabulous personality. You’re good. I actually like you. You’re not boring me to death like most people do.

  Corey: You said the same thing last time.

  Lisa: Did I like you or hate you? I can’t say I remember or care. I’ll try to work it up for you next time.

  Now, comedy’s Loveable Queen of Mean is off the market and getting hitched.

  Does that mean Lisa Lampanelli has softened her blows?

  I think I caught her in a sweet mood. She was, after all, planning her big day with her fiancé, a restaurateur lovingly referred to as Jimmy Big Balls.

  Corey: Are you wedding planning today?

  Lisa: Believe it or not, I was at the Friar’s Club, where we are getting married, and met with the florist, the menu guy and it is so insane, but that’s OK.

  Corey: Is this going to be a big, wild wedding?

  Lisa: I think so. It’s not too big—only about 125 people—but it seems big at this point. At this point I’m thinking, ‘Why are we doing this? Oh, I get it. Show off that we have money. Yay!’

  Corey: Because this will be at the Friar’s Club, will this be less toasts, more roasts?

  Lisa: I’m too insecure to invite other comedians, except the ones who work for me. My friends and family are not funny, thank God.

  Corey: It’s not traditional that we see a bride give a toast every time, but because you are so outspoken, are you?

  Lisa: I’ve been reading every book and magazine about weddings and they say, ‘The bride and groom should give a little speech thanking their guests for coming.’ I’m sure we can’t do that without getting a laugh, because Jimmy gets laughs all the time, too.

  Corey: Is it a challenge being in a partnership with someone who is funny as well?

&nb
sp; Lisa: In my show I say, ‘I won’t give him a microphone, because there’s only one star in the Lisa Lampanelli relationship, and that’s me.’ It’s great that he is funny, because sometimes when I’m doing a radio show it’s so early in the morning and hard to be funny, I go ‘Right, Jimmy,’ and for two minutes he goes off. Then I get my thoughts together. He keeps the pressure off me.

  Corey: Very nice. Are you writing your own vows?

  Lisa: No, we’re both too emotionally unavailable to speak from the heart in front of people, so we’re going to have the officiant do the ‘Will you blah blah blah,’ and we’ll say, ‘We will.’ Otherwise, it would be too much like ‘Bethany Getting Married,’ and I just don’t want to get that emotional.