Laugh Lines: Conversations With Comedians

by Corey Andrew

  Corey: What do you want for your legacy?

  Jeff: You’d think that would do it. Lord knows I’m still writing redneck jokes. I think the thing that’s made this thing fun—almost like a Rat Pack thing—everybody can perform on their own. Something about when we’re all together, it’s more fun. I don’t know … We’ve had people approach us about doing real movies.

  I don’t want to stay longer at the dance than I should, but as long as people are enjoying it and we’re having fun, I hope we get to do other stuff.

  Larry the Cable Guy

  Larry the Cable Guy isn’t real—but don’t tell that to his fans. He’s right up there with the Easter Bunny, Sasquatch and Mr. Snuffleupagus.

  When a rural Missouri teen helped foil the long-time kidnapping of Shawn Hornbeck, his statement to the crowd: “Git-r-done.”

  I didn’t get Dan Whitney in an interview, I got Larry—camo cap and sleeveless flannel to boot.

  Corey: Larry, how the hell are ya’?

  Larry the Cable Guy: I’m doin’ purty good. You?

  Corey: No major complaints.

  Larry: Good, me either. We all doin’ good.

  Corey: We’re a little bit into January. Did you make any New Year’s resolutions?

  Larry: Yeah, this year I’m gonna wreck the truck, get the insurance money to make the truck payment. That’s my resolution this year.

  Corey: You ain’t quite done that yet?

  Larry: I ain’t quite done that yet, but that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna quit eatin’ finger wieners.

  Corey: What are those?

  Larry: Those little barbecue finger wieners.

  Corey: That come in a can?

  Larry: Oh, good lord. That’s what I’m trying to get as a TV show, the next ‘Survivor.’ How many people can sit in a room with me after five finger wieners? I ate them the other day—I ain’t kiddin’ you— we was in the car, and I got them finger wiener farts. This is a true story. It was so bad the side air bag came out. Then we got a phone call from OnStar; they thought there was an explosion in the car and they wanted us to pull over, get out and tuck and roll, in case any of us was on fire.

  Corey: That’s not good.

  Larry: No, it’s been a whole tragic thing. I don’t want to get into it.

  Corey: I saw you in your bunk on the tour bus, and it looks like your travel diet isn’t the healthiest.

  Larry: I have been on a diet. I really got to do something. I am on a diet. Jared from Subway tried to sell me his old pants last week. I am dieting, though. I am gonna lose that weight. I’m on the Clay Aiken diet.

  Corey: How’s that one work?

  Larry: Just before you eat, you listen to a Clay Aiken CD and you try and keep food down.

  Corey: That might work for you. When you’re on tour, what does your craft services table look like?

  Larry: You know what, they used to have peaches, candy; we got it slimmed down now. We got it down to just pizza. Got it slimmed down pretty good.

  Corey: I imagine you have a big family. Did you get a chance to get together with them last year?

  Larry: Yeah, we got together. My brother won the Florida lottery.

  Corey: Fantastic.

  Larry: Well, eight bucks in scratch off. But he’s all cocky about it. I told him, I didn’t think he should have quit his job first. That was mistake one. I told him when he started winning that kind of money, you’re gonna find out who your real friends are. People wanting to borrow a quarter, 50 cents; it adds up.

  Corey: You played a lot of big theatres with the Blue Collar tour. Do you approach a show differently when you play a big theatre as opposed to a comedy club?

  Larry: Uh, I wear bigger clothes. I wear bigger clothes, and I just look bigger.

  Corey: There is going to be a rodeo around the same time you’re going to be here. Are you worried about losing some of your audience to that?

  Larry: No, you know what, I hope they go and support that rodeo. I’m a big fan of rodeo. I sponsor three guys in the PRCA (Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association). I got a bull in the professional bull riders. What is it, there a couple days?

  Corey: I believe so.

  Larry: Yeah, so they can go to the rodeo one night and come see me the next night. By all means, don’t miss the rodeo. You can see me another time.

  Corey: You’ve got a bull. How do you pick a bull?

  Larry: It’s actually my cousin; she’s a pretty big girl. And she’s pretty good. I think one guy stayed on her in the last six rounds. Sorry, no, there’s a guy who has a bull bucking company, and I just pay him to sponsor a bull. He named it after me.

  Corey: That’s nice. I didn’t know if you actually went down to where they are raised and find out what a good way to pick a bull is.

  Larry: Naw, it’s kind of like meat, you just kind of stick ’em a little bit and see what they’re like. No, he did that. I am thinking of getting in the bull business; buying some bucking bulls.

  Corey: I would imagine that would be an interesting business to get in.

  Larry: Yeah, I was thinking it would be kind of fun.

  Corey: I was looking at some of the commentary on your Web site, and I wasn’t expecting you to have a blog. Do you check out other people’s blogs?

  Larry: Blogs? What are you talking about?

  Corey: Sort of an online diary.

  Larry: Oh, I just update everybody on what I’m doing. I tell them where I’m gonna be and a little wrap up of the week. My fans like to know what’s going on. I put some jokes on there, keep them occupied. As far as going on it, nothin’. I don’t do anything on it. Here’s the only thing I’ll go on: I’ll go on the rodeo and bull riding pages, Oriental whore and the Jerry Falwell page. But those are the only pages. And Huskerpedia, every now, to check up on the Cornhuskers. And check up on Nascar to see how Mikey is doing—Michael Waltrip, he’s a buddy of mine. I’ll check on them sites and the rodeo sites and that’s it. I don’t go to any Googles. I don’t read about myself. Anybody can say anything they want about you on them sites and 90 percent of it is a bunch of B.S.; it doesn’t do anything but get you upset. I ain’t been on them sites in a long time, and I told my mom to quit e-mailin’ on there. If she can’t say somethin’ nice, then don’t say nothin’ at all. I don’t know what she’s pissed about; I visit her twice a week—in the slammer.

  Corey: Do your fans get rowdy if they don’t hear the stuff they want to hear?

  Larry: No, I’ve got real good, respectful fans. And they like to listen to the jokes and laugh. You’ve got to really listen because I do so many quick one-liner jokes. If you laugh at one, you’re going to miss six or seven others.

  Corey: You prefer no laughter?

  Larry: You know what, I prefer them to sit there, not make a peep until the show is over. And then once the show is over, we’ll sit there for 30 minutes and just laugh our asses off.

  Corey: I saw a little of your guitar playing at the end of the ‘Blue Collar’ movie. Are you still working on that?

  Larry: Tell me that wouldn’t make Shriners riot. I’m not going to play the guitar much. I do have a song I would like to sing at the end of the show. I’m going to pick it up and danker around with it and do a little pickin’ and grinnin’ ‘Hee-Haw’ session with it. Who doesn’t like that?

  Corey: The ‘Git-R-Done’ slogan is very big; it’s on all your merchandise. What does the ‘R’ stand for?

  Larry: The ‘R’ stands for anything. When I created that phrase, I said it on the radio to sign off. Basically the meaning of ‘Git-R-Done’ is give 110 percent, don’t quit whatever you do, don’t bullshit about it, just ‘Git-R-Done.’ That’s basically what it is. Kind of like ‘cowboy up’ or ‘just do it.’ Of course, for people, ‘just do it’ can be a dirty phrase. It ain’t. People think it’s a dirty phrase. They think ‘Git-R’ means her, but if I meant get her, I woulda wrote, ‘get her.’ I wrote ‘R’ to mean anything.

  Corey: Were you able to get it copyright
ed like Donald Trump did with ‘You’re fired’?

  Larry: I got ‘Git-R-Done’ copyrighted, but not to the point where people can’t say it. Of course, you can’t do a commercial using that as your business slogan. You have to get permission to do that. There’s a lot of people who have it on their race cars and for their sports teams and that’s fine. You can’t sell any T-shirts with ‘Git-R-Done’ on it without going through us. But hey, I’d be an idiot if I didn’t copyright it. I’m only doing what anybody else would have done.

  Corey: You’ve got a lot a lot of nice merchandise on your Web site. I’m shopping for a female friend for her birthday. Would you recommend the ‘Git-R-Done’ thong?

  Larry: Oh, the ‘Git-R-Done’ thong is beautiful. I definitely would, male or female, they’re nice. I’m wearing one now, one of the blue ones. Nothin’ says, ‘I love you, sweetheart,’ like a ‘Git-R-Done’ thong. I got those because women were asking for them. I used to keep it simple. I used to sell hats and T-shirts, because I love my ‘Git-R-Done’ camo hat, and people ask where they can get them. Early on I just sold shirts and hats. Women said, ‘You’ve got to get some stuff for women. You know what would be really cool, the “Git-R-Done” thong.’ So we make ‘Git-R-Done’ thongs because people ask for ‘Git-R-Done’ thongs.

  Corey: You’ve got to give the people what they want.

  Larry: ‘Git-R-Done’ condoms, the rebel rubbers. You open ’em up; they play ‘Dixie.’ Three sizes, ‘Git,’ ‘Git-R,’ ‘Git-R-Done.’ That’s one of the big sellers.

  Dame Edna

  In a lovely turn of events, former talk show hostess Dame Edna interviewed me, in an attempt to get some material for her first headlining shows in St. Louis.

  Dame Edna: How are things in St. Louie? I’ve no idea what to expect. Is it in the desert? Are there cactuses? Is it called Midwest?

  Corey: Things are good here in St. Louis. It’s not quite the desert, though.

  Edna: People say to me, ‘How do you find out what’s going on in our city?’ I make a point of doing it because I don’t want the public looking at a generic show. It’s very interactive. I sing, I dance, I give lovely gifts.

  Corey: That sounds very nice. I wish I had some juicy news to share with you.

  Edna: Before I come to St. Louie, I’ll probably call you back for a bit of dirt or a little bit of the low-down.

  Corey: Will there be audience participation in your show?

  Edna: I involve the audience, probably a little too much. I mean, to me, I go to see a show every night, and the show I see is my public.

  Corey: This is billed as ‘The Show That Cares.’ What can we expect?

  Edna: I do not fill my show with a lot of four-letter words. Nor is it about heroin addiction. It’s about joy, the bonus of laughter that we need in times of extreme anxiety such as our present period of history.

  Corey: How many pairs of glasses do you have?

  Edna: I’ve got one for every frock, which is about 250 pairs. And you’ll find that in my last little newsletter on my Web site. You’re free to quote it. I like having my face furniture; it’s the frame to my eyes.

  Corey: How do you prepare for a show; any special regiment?

  Edna: I do a little dancing, a little stretching with my beautiful Ednaettes. With my musical director, a little voice training, some simple aerobics. I read the local papers, and I get the low-down. I’m not just doing the show. I’m in the shopping malls. I’m moving through the city.

  David Sedaris

  David Sedaris nursed me through spinal meningitis.

  Well, not personally, but while I was laid up in the hospital getting poked and prodded with needles every 15 minutes, I discovered the dark wit in his essays. My signed, first-edition of “Barrel Fever” is a cherished possession.

  Corey: I heard you have been involved with the Helping Hands organization. Have you always been interested in monkeys?

  David Sedaris: I’m just like anyone else; I’m impressed by the stuff that they can do: put food in a microwave and turn it on. Dial a telephone. Put a CD in the CD player.

  Corey: So you think working for people is a good life for these helpers?

  David: Yeah, the monkeys could be in a jungle somewhere dying of disease, and instead they’re making toast for people. I just think it’s funny, basically.

  Corey: When you visited them, did the monkeys seem to be happy?

  David: Um, yeah. I’m not the best judge, but they weren’t being tormented in any way. They were in school, learning, and they had dorms. Everyone had their own little room. They could watch TV anytime they wanted; it didn’t seem like a bad life.

  Corey: Any perks that come along with doing a benefit reading for the monkey organization?

  David: Probably if I got paralyzed in a car accident, I might cut ahead a few places in line. I know there’s a long waiting list for the monkeys.

  Corey: The tour you’re planning now, do you already have your pieces chosen?

  David: I always make a list of what I read in every particular city, because I don’t want to repeat myself. Sometimes people want to hear something they heard a couple times before, like on the radio or whatever. I understand wanting to hear something you already heard, like if I were to go to a concert or whatever. I would want them to do things on the album, and I would want it to sound exactly like it sounded on the album. That’s why I don’t go to concerts.

  Corey: Do you ever go back and look at the stories, from the first draft to the last and see what was changed?

  David: I often make marks while I’m reading, little, in the margin. I already proved I can get a laugh; see what happens.

  (Sirens in background)

  Corey: Is there an emergency going on?

  David: (calmly) Oh, yeah. There has been for two weeks. The French government passed this law which says if you’re 26 years or under, your boss can fire you.

  Corey: For no reason?

  David: They don’t have to give you a reason. After two years, if you’re under the age of 26, then your boss can let you go. It’s really hard to fire people here. Let’s say a small business would be apt to hire somebody. If they thought, ‘Well, if I make a mistake here, it’s not going to cost me 10s of thousands of dollars to get rid of them.’ It seems like a little thing. Protests have been going on for weeks. A week ago there were overturned cars on my street, windows broken. It’s hard to understand. It’s Ground Zero for a lot of the area. All these big trucks are filled with riot police when you hear those sirens.

  Corey: Do you avoid being on the street?

  David: There’s nothing to be afraid of.

  Corey: After your readings you also do signings. Have you gotten any strange requests from fans?

  David: Some people will say, ‘I don’t have your book on me, but will you sign this copy of “War and Peace?” Ha ha ha.’ They think it’s so original and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. I say I won’t sign a book I didn’t write, so I got out of it that way. You sort of want to say to people, ‘What gave you the idea to think that was original?’ That would just hurt or embarrass them.

  Corey: Is this your first book to be released in French?

  David: No, it is the fourth.

  Corey: Does anything get lost in translation?

  David: I just changed publishing houses and my last translator was African. And so the book sounded like it was written by an African. This translator is French, and I read with her. I did two readings with her. One thing she really did a great job at was capturing the rhythms of my sentences, which is usually one of the first things to go in another language. Like when you’re translated into German, every word is like 35 letters long. There’s more syllables in that word than there were in the entire paragraph before it was translated.

  This was a really good translation. I don’t speak any German, but I’ve been told the fellow who translated my first three books into German what a good translation it was. Because so many people in Germany also
speak English, they can go one way or the other. They could read the English book or the German book; makes no difference to them, that’s how good they are. Other countries, like the Korean translation, I just can’t say. And the book just came out in Greece and the same thing, I have no idea what the translation is like.

  Corey: Are you starting to become better known in Europe?

  David: It’s always hard when your book is translated because you’re basically starting over again. In America, I’m lucky because I’m on the radio. If I do a reading and people show up, I owe everything to Ira Glass. I’m conscious of that, and I think of that all the time. If you’re going to owe everything to a specific person, he’s a pretty good person to owe it to because he could lord it over you all the time, and he never does. I’m not on the radio in Europe, but I’m on the BBC sometimes. It’s basically starting over.